The past few days have been rough for me. Life just sometimes gets you down and then just kicks you in the stomach while you are on the ground. It could also be the fact that I'm pmsing. Yeah....that's probably it. I also feel like I'm always pmsing.

Going to school and working full time is hard. really hard. It takes a lot of time and when I get home from work I go straight to the computer to do school and sit here for hours. So when I get online to view my grades and see that my professors have graded me much lower than I expected I start to fume. I become even more enraged when one professor decides to state on my paper that this was 'probably not my best work'. I'm also not one of those people who doesn't give a fuck, because I do. It broke me. Here I am putting hours upon hours of work into my assignments only to get non-appreciative responses. My classes are also online which makes things a lot harder to get anything accomplished when it comes to questions or problems. Having seen this has now lit a fire under my ass and now I'm going to have to put even more effort into school. I wanted to quit this weekend but I can't, I really can't.

Other than that the only worry is money. Always. I don't think that will never not be a worry in my life so I just deal with it. I'm apparently going to be getting some financial aid this semester which will help a ton but who knows when that will come in.

This weekend was nice. Matt had Saturday off for us to attend the wedding and what a weird wedding it was! The ceremony was approximately 1 minute and then nothing else was announced. People ate food, the couple cut the cake and did the first dance with not a lot of people watching. I'm glad Matt was able to see his friend again and he/we talked with someone he used to know but hasn't seen forever. She was actually friends with some people I knew so we chatted a bit as well.

After the wedding we went to Louis C.K. and, man, he is inappropriate. I think he says things that most of us think but being that we have filters we don't say them. He does and I love him for that. It was a nice change of pace for us since we've been stuck in the house a lot.

Sunday we woke up and literally snuggled until 1:30 pm. We never have that chance and it was nice. Those moments are needed, especially when I'm going through breakdown mode in my brain.

I've completed the homework I wanted to today so now I'm going to relax and watch Teen Mom. That show makes me feel better about life, that's for damn sure. Garyyyyyyyyyyyy.

My amazing friend had a baby this week. It's a time of happiness but also one that is filled with concern and worry. Sweet baby Hannah has some medical issues that need to be addressed. My friend asked if I would be a part of Hannah's arrival day and of course I wanted to be. She trusted me enough to be there through this difficult period and I was honored. Unfortunately I wasn't able to make the trip down south for it. I have been kicking myself for it but it just wasn't possible. Hopefully I'll be able to come down soon to take some pictures of her squishyness but for now they are in my thoughts.

I have to say, working a full time job makes time go by so much faster. I can't believe it's almost October, I feel like I say that everytime I blog. Time just needs to stop for a bit and let me get caught up.

Matt and I have a nice weekend planned. We are attending a tattoo artists wedding tomorrow which should be fun and entertaining. After that is Louis C.K., we both need to laugh a bit. Sunday is a whole day off for me. This is the first Sunday is who knows how long that I'll be able to actually do nothing. Of course I won't, I have homework and housework to do but still...doing nothing will probably happen at some point and I'm going to cherish every minute of it.

Matt just sat down and started rubbing my legs only to be met by a massive amount of prickly hairs. I think the best describes my life right now, I don't even have to time or energy to shave. We are backed up at work so they approved me for some overtime so we can try to get caught up. Now when work is over I really just want to come over and head to the couch. I did have Kate over last night and it was nice to get caught up but she didn't stay too long because we were both beat.

I just keep telling myself that this is going to be the hardest part. I'm really putting in all of this effort now for things to eventually be worth it, and it will be. This is the starting point. Waking up so early, commuting, school...it's all part of the bigger picture.

I had baby fever for about a year not to long ago and I didn't think it would happen but it's completely gone. A girl at work just found out she was pregnant very unexpectedly and I kept thinking what if that was me. A few months ago I would have been excited but now I think I would be not so excited.

And now I'm going to go shave my legs so my boyfriend and I can smush. Actually we probably won't but I love that word now thanks to the jersey shore..which I love more and more everyday.

I'm still alive, hanging on by a thread. We survived the move minus the rental truck company calling us 45 minutes before we were supposed to pick up the truck to tell us that they had went on strike. I thought I was on a radio prank show because *really*. It was all worth it though. We are slowly making this place our home and things are coming together nicely. Matt comes home and cooks me dinner every night and their is $1 laundry is the basement. City living at it's best.

During the move process I also started school. Because my plate isn't quite full enough I decided to throw that on top. I'm taking two online classes. My critical thinking class should be manageable but I'm taking a humanities class dealing with world religions and the professor seems all over the place so that should be interesting. I've also been sick all weekend. Whine Whine Whine.

I was able to go see Ellie on Sunday and babysit for a bit. She has gotten so big, it makes me so sad. She's walking up a storm, saying my name and I love you's. It was adorable. Ann wants me to potentially come back this weekend and I'll probably oblige seeing as how extra money is most welcome right now since that move nearly wiped me out.

Next few weekends are busy with a nieces birthday party, a wedding, seeing Louis C.K. with Matt and friends and working more on the apartment. I really can't believe it's already September. Ick.

We move tomorrow and I am SO READY. This past weekend was hell. Matt had been receiving very harassing texts from the roommates and I was -- that close to walking down to the police station and getting them charged. We are all adults and for us to feel unsafe in our own home is unacceptable, especially when it all boiled down to painting a fucking room.

But it will all be over tomorrow and then I never have to worry about them again.

I'll head to work in the morning and Matt and his recruitment's will move all of our shit. I don't who wins in that situation.

A week and a half until we move and I can't freaking wait.

I've been needing some inspiration since we are going to be decorating this place and sadly, that Scarface poster of Matt's is not allowed, which will be news to him. Mwahaha.





When blogger is being a pooface so there you have my two inspiration ideas

We found a place and it is such a relief to know that we have someplace to go that is going to be all our own. No roommates, no bullshit, just each other to aggravate.

We looked at about 10 apartments and after seeing shithole after shithole, this one was perfect. The outside looks like an old brownstown and the inside has these little touches that I love, such as a marble fireplace in our bedroom. It's a two bedroom walkthrough so you have to walkthrough our bedroom to get to Adrian's room. Considering we have been sharing a room with him all of this time, we are so excited that he is going to have his own space. It will be so good for us and equally for him.

We move in September first and will be paying out the ass for rent, but that's the city. I'm so ready, he's so ready and I think it will be really good for us.

Now I'm waiting for him to get home with some burritos and it can't happen any sooner. I do love this boy.

Oh life, you are a silly little bitch sometimes

I moved in with Matt this past weekend. We decided to live together with his old roommates, save money, share some space and then next year look for a place by ourselves.

That plan all came crashing down when his roommates decided that they "hated living with a four year old" so we needed to find another place to live. I don't think there are words to describe how angry I am. Matt has lived here for 4 months, had already signed the lease for another year, and if A had been such a problem they should have told us sooner. We could be assholes and stay for the year since he is on the lease but we don't want to deal with them so we are looking for a place.

In September.

In Boston.

Miserable. There is absolutely nothing for $1200 for a two bedroom near to where he's living now unless we want to live in a slum so we are looking a little further outside the city which means our commutes are now going to be worse.

I'm trying to look to the positive that we will have a place that is all our own but until we find something I'm just a ball of stress.

This is the first time I've gotten a chance to write anything in the past few days. This weekend was busy busy. Took Adrian to the frog pond, movies, the waterfront and the library.

I also started my new job. I've been there three days now and I'm starting to get the swing of things. They have their own intense computer system and one wrong button push could send out arrest warrant letters so I have to be verrrry careful with what I'm doing. I can also listen to my music while I work which is awesome.

Another busy weekend lined up...possible bowling tomorrow, Red Sox Friday and Matt has Saturday off so we want to do something fun. Hopefully the weather co-operates.

I'm sticky, sweaty and cranky. Not exactly what I wanted my last week of work to be filled with. I'm also working 10 hours a day in a house with no a.c. Ellie's room does have a.c. but you can only sit in a room so long before you start going stir-crazy. I have one more day left and then it's the end.

Last night I went out to dinner with the family I used to nanny for in California. Coincidentally they are the reason I started this blog...to bitch about them. We had a good time though. Now that I am not their 'employee' things were much more casual and relaxed. They seemed to enjoy Matt and he was on his best behavior :) The kids have grown so much and it's crazy to think about it. I don't feel as though I've aged that much but I must have.

4 more hours of work...I'm hoping to go get a burrito once Ellie wakes up. I've been forgetting to eat since it's been so hot, not that forgetting to eat is going to kill me.

New York. The trip almost didn't happen. We had planned this trip for a few weeks in advance, so the morning finally comes, we wake up early and take the subway to catch the bus. Not even thinking I just assume that the bus departs from Back Bay. We are sitting outside, about a half hour early, just us. I walk inside to grab an iced tea and come back out...still nobody else there. I thought..huh, that's weird, usually people would be here by now. I look at the tickets...they said "Gate 9", another huh moment. Back Bay doesn't have gates...and then it clicked! Oh shit! The bus is departing from South Station, not Back Bay, and it's 6:43, our bus is supposed to leave at 7.

We rush to the subway again and pretty much run through Boston knowing that we were not going to make it...and we didn't. I was so aggravated. I've never missed anything travel wise in my life and I hate being late. I was snippy with Matt, he was snippy with me and we almost just turned around and came home. BUT...I reserved a shitty hotel for half our life savings so we WERE going and we WERE going to have fun. We made it on the next bus which left only a half hour later and all was okay...until Matt threw up on the bus. Luckily he had a bag.

OHhhhhhhh.... poor guy. He gets motion sickness so easily.

Once we actually got to NY, we had a blast. We walked for miles, ate some yummy vegan food, saw Avenue Q and saw the sites. Matt had been to NY once with school and saw the Statue of Liberty so it was fun showing him all of the other stuff. Times Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park and we went to the top of the rock.

It's nice to be able to go do things like this alone. While we both love having time with A, we also need to have time for ourselves, for our relationship. Matt actually texted me today that he's been meaning to tell me that he fell in love with me all over again on the trip, and then my heart turned to mush.

What a week! Matt and I enjoyed two days in NYC, but that's a whole other post in itself.

BUT...for now...I GOT A REAL JOB. I'm so excited, I've been smiling all day yesterday and today. This wasn't the job through my internship but with another law firm entirely. I went for the interview on Wednesday and they said they would get back to me next week. They called me the next day and offered me the position! I'm officially a legal assistant in the court results department and I start in a week. It's full time with really great benefits. It feels so good to have worked hard and now see things finally start coming together.

It's also bittersweet. To think I only have a week left watching Ellie makes me incredibly sad. I've been with her since she was six weeks old. We have so much fun together and even when I'm having a terrible day, I know her laughs and smiles will brighten it up. I know I'll still see them every now and then but not seeing her 4 days a week is going to be an adjustment. I've been doing this nanny gig for 6 years now and it's time for me to start my career. I'm excited!!

Matt's schedule can be unpredictable...such is life when working in retail. Because of this, I sometimes watch Adrian during the weekend. Matt had to work Friday this week so Adrian and I went on some adventures. We hiked in the JP Arboretum to the top where you get this awesome view of Boston. I want to go back at night...although I don't know if you can do that. He was all tuckered out, hence why he looks so thrilled.




After that we went to a few 'water' parks and shopped a bit. I came home and cooked vegan lasagna..which was the first time I've ever cooked dinner for Matt. Eep! He's such a good cook and I just don't enjoy cooking but I feel like I have to contribute every once in awhile. It actually came out really really good.

Saturday I had to babysit for 11 hours and I felt crappy....what a day that was.

Sunday was Father's Day so Adrian and I got to give Matt his surprises! Adrian made Matt cry with his gift of a little frisbee so he could "play with daddy." He also loved the Red Sox tickets, so all in all it was a successful day!

I don't want the weekends to end. I enjoy spending time with the boys so much. Of course it's nice to have some peace and quiet and time in my own space...but I'd rather be with them.

Matt had to work some of the time but yesterday he had the day off. We were planning on going to the common, walk around the gardens, look at the swan boats and then walk to Quincy market. The weather had other plans and decided to rain so we put those plans on hold and went bowling instead. We walked around Davis Square and went to Goodwill looking for figurines of Jesus. Even though both Matt and I are not religious in the slightest, we still appreciate the art of him? If that makes sense. We didn't find Jesus, but we did find a Johnny Cash record for 99 cents! The cover held a different album but I went searching through all of the loose vinyl and found Johnny. I was pretty proud of myself. Then we went to Harvard Square and walked around some more. I love this part of living in the city. No plans, just walking around different sections of the city.

We've been toying with the idea of moving in together in September. Or rather, I would move into his apartment. I know to some people that would seem crazy but I don't really care. We've kind of been mapping out what we want together and it seems to make the most sense. We would each be saving about $200 a month in rent which we would either use for a new car. We've toyed with the idea of also getting down to one car, which would also save money. If I get a job within Boston I could rely on public transportation. We ideally want to get our own place but financially speaking want to bank some money first.

I'm working three days this week, interning and hopefully hearing about an interview...fingers are still crossed!

Today was long. Dealing with a crabby, teething baby while you are pmsing is no fun. My schedule also got flipped all over the place. I thought I was going to be able to join Matt with his friend Hilary for lunch tomorrow in Chinatown but that's not going to happen. Ah well.

In order to get me in a somewhat better mood I picked up some de-fucking-licious vegan cupcakes from a little bakery down the street from work. I'm also going to pick up a movie and head over to Matt's. I don't have to go in to work until around noon so it's going to be an evening of cuddling and a nice slow morning tomorrow. Then a busy weekend!

These past few weeks have been so busy. I've been going non-stop. Tonight feels like the first night I can actually enjoy a solid 4 hours of nothing before going to bed.

Matt and I are getting back into the swing of things. I've definitely noticed an improvement in his actions and I'm improving mine as well. Most of the people in my life have wished me well in this. Some have been in this situation, some have not. Most want to see me happy but are a little skeptical because they don't want to see me get hurt again. Obviously I don't want to see that either. I've known since I met him that he is the one I want to spend my life with and this is what makes me happy.

Other than that aspect of my life, I've been submitting resumes consistently. The job I'm really waiting to hear from doesn't close until next Monday so I don't think I will hear about an interview until then. I just really hope I can line something up before Fall, if not, then I'm going to keep plugging away at classes. I plan to do that anyways but I just want a real job.

Spain is also probably not happening :( I'm extremely bummed but flights are around $1200 and I just can't justify spending that much money on plane ticket. Flights to China didn't even cost that much. Matt and I have been talking about Ireland so I think I'm going to save for that instead. It's much cheaper, only about $600, which would leave room for renting a car so we could drive around the country. I just need to leave the country and wanted to do so before the end of the year but January works too.

Alright, that's enough mindless bullshit for now.

Back to Yale for the weekend. It's nice to see the girls again and catch up and the money doesn't hurt either.

Some of that was spent buying tickets to



The three of us will be going in July. I bought the tickets for Matt for Father's Day. Haven't given them to him yet, but I'm stoked!

Waking up to three new text messages usually makes me worried in the morning.

Not when you open them and they say this:

I know you're sleeping, but I kinda wish you'd wake up. Also wish I wasn't working so early. I love you so much and I have this whole time. Guess it just scared me, but now I know more than ever that I truly love you and that I can't do this whole "life" thing without you. I love you.

What a nice way to start to the day. I also found this last night but it's only a design on shirts, I want it as a print for Matt.

Phew. It's been a wild week and a half.

Matt and I did finally hang out. We went to grab food, walked around Davis Square and went and saw a movie. I expected him to get in the car and just declare that "Yes, he missed me and wants to be with me". That didn't happen though. He said he was definitely feeling better about life and was almost to the point of being ready to be in a relationship again. We didn't really talk anymore about it and just got caught up on life in general. It was really fun and just made me realize how much I missed him.

He texted me the next day, and ended up coming over that night. I didn't really know what was going to happen. He came in and said I'm ready to do this. I wasn't expecting it. Of course this is what I've wanted for three months but I didn't think it was going to happen. He said he knows he wants to be with me and he wants this to be it. He's been seeing his counselor, which I believe helps immensely. I also kind of want to give his counselor a hug for making him pull his head out of his ass. He was explaining to his roommate yesterday the situation between us and Matt said, "I had this great girl who's smart, beautiful, loves me and is going places in her life and I let her go. I was stupid". That gave me warm fuzzies and I truly believe that he wants this to work.

We talked more about my reservations. I explained to him that I will do this again but that's it. We are working through things when they get tough and not just bailing.

I met with Kate the next day and we talked about things. I was deciphering whether I should tell him about me hooking up with someone while we were broken up. In the end, I decided to tell him. I was feeling sick all day thinking that once he heard he was just going to ask me to leave...but he didn't. He just said okay, I did hang out with a girl for about two weeks but she sucked so nothing happened. I feel much better knowing that we both told each other because I hate having secrets. While it really was none of his business what I did during the break, I couldn't keep it from him. Also why I can never cheat, that shit would just eat me up from the inside out.

Things are going really well. I'm learning to let go of some things, he's putting in the effort and now I'm just enjoying the moments.

Life feels a little surreal right now. I have an extremely busy weekend but I'll write more on Sunday.

I don't want to rehash the details of what happened but when a friend questions your intentions....feelings get hurt. I try to be the best friend/person I can be and of course I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I will openly admit when I did something wrong and apologize.

I don't want to dwell on what was said, what happened. I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I think both sides made mistakes and that's what happens in any relationship. Ups and downs.

Also, can I go here? Please?


I'm spending the night working on my resume and cover letter for an amazing job opportunity that makes me just giddy thinking about the possibilities. It's not going to be an easy gig to get but I'm thinking positive.

I was going to write a post this weekend about friendships and how they take work. Lately I feel like I've been putting in a lot of work for some of my friendships and not getting a fair share back. I didn't write it though because I told myself that we all have busy lives and this is just the point we are at now and I should be grateful for what I do have.

Maybe my subconscious knew something was brewing because I got slapped across the face with it today.

This weekend was a baptism for a little boy whom I consider my nephew. I woke up Saturday not feeling well but told myself I needed to go. I drove over an hour to get there with a stop to cry. I got the the church and watched the baptism and proceeded to the house for a BBQ. Still wasn't feeling good so after about 45 minutes when another friend needed to leave, I also excused myself. I didn't mention why I was leaving, they were both busy. Should I have shot them a message later explaining why I left? Probably. The thought didn't even cross my mind though. My mind was on getting home and going to home to bed. I could understand being upset with me if I skipped out and went to hang out with another friend but that wasn't the case at all.

I texted her this morning to see if she was at work. We usually get online in the mornings and have our few minutes of gossip fest before work but she wasn't online. She replied later with an email explaining that she was hurt. And then went into more details about how she feels the only time I hang out anymore is for a potential boy connection.


I'm still kind of reeling and don't think I can express what I need to right now, so that will be for another day.

I'm still trying to process the last week. Tuesday night I texted Matt asking if we were still going to hang out on Wednesday. I told him what had happened with Brit and how I just needed a hug and to be able to get my mind off things. The whole time we were in a relationship I never really needed him. I wanted him, of course, but this week I did need him.

And then he canceled. Texted me Wednesday saying he had gotten a new emulsion for screen-printing and that he wanted to try it out. The text was littered with smiley faces. I started crying, I was angry, emotional, and upset. We're not dating so it's probably my fault for putting this pressure on him to be there for me but I was hoping there would have been a change. He would have known that I really needed to hang out and would have made me a priority, for once.

He said he wants to go out tomorrow after he gets off of work but I'm not counting on that happening either.

My boss gave me Thursday off and I took Brit to the beach. We talked, lounged and ate some yummy food. She appears to be doing okay.

After writing that last post and feeling somewhat stoked on life, I got kicked in the stomach with more news.

I texted Brit earlier in the day to make sure she was doing okay. She texted me back that she would call me later, things had been pretty hectic. I assumed she was at work, so around 7:30 she finally called.

Her voice was shaky, I knew something was wrong. She had said that she had been in the hospital for a bit.

I thought she miscarried. My heart sank, but I also almost let out a sigh of relief. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person but considering how this situation panned out, it was my first reaction.

The baby was fine. She was not. She took pills Sunday night, couldn't do it anymore. She realized that she would be hurting the baby so called the ambulance almost immediately. They flushed her system but she was still in and out of consciousness.

I don't even know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I wish I could do something, anything but just be there.

It almost feels surreal. I can't even process what would be happening right now if she was successful.

I'm either sick or allergies are kicking my ass. Either way, I don't approve.

I did get some encouraging news. One of the paralegals I work with at my internship said that because of me they have had the most bankruptcy case referrals, which is awesome! She also said the referral paralegal is leaving in the fall to attend law school if I would be interesting in applying for his position. YES! She said over two hundred people applied last time but she would put a good word in for me with the higher ups.

My whole point of becoming a paralegal was to help people, in whatever form I could. This organization does that and more and I could totally seeing myself working there. I'll continue volunteering and see what happens when the position finally opens up.

Another weekend gone. I took a three hour nap today because apparently I don't like to sleep on the weekends.

Friday we went to Providence to celebrate Renee's birthday. We went to Julians, again. I liked their breakfast better but their dinner wasn't too shabby. We went bowling after, and I almost beat all 6 people but I choked on the 8th string. OF COURSE.

Brit and I also had some photo fun in my car before we went out. I need to start taking way more pictures of life. I've been slacking.




Saturday we woke up and got breakfast at Whole Foods. Went shopping, watched movies, napped and then went to AS220 for the Ruiner show. I don't care how cliche or cheesy it is, but this band has really made these past three months bearable. The drummer (whom I didn't know was the drummer because I have no idea who's who in bands) started talking to Brit and I before they went on. We talked a little bit about there experience in China and then I just told him about the past three months and how they are what's gotten me through. He said that's the first time a girl has said that to him, usually it's dudes, hahah. Something about reading their lyrics and realizing that you are not the only miserable person on the planet makes it better. They put on a good show. Not a lot of people were as into them so I actually got to stand pretty close and sing my little heart out.



Today I came back to Boston and took a nice walk to Symphony to grab some sushi at Whole Foods. Lazy day. Matt and I have been texting more and plan to hang out on Wednesday. That should be interesting.

Still haven’t hung out with Matt yet as ‘just friends’. We were both busy last week and this week is proving to be the same. We have texted some but not a whole lot. He did text me yesterday that driving to Newport is not the same without me. I replied that life isn’t the same and he agreed. I’m getting a gut feeling that us hanging out with him continuing to text me that he would eventually like things to work out between us. I could just be pulling that out of left field.

Nicole asked what I thought about the idea of us getting back together. Deep down I’m still in love with him and still care greatly for him. The love I feel for him now is not the same as when we were together and again, I’m not going in to this expecting us to date again. We both made mistakes, nobodys perfect. I do think there is a potential for both of us to change what needed to be fixed and work through it.

I’m really not letting these thoughts consume me though, I’m learning to just let things happen.

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a paralegal. It’s a huge relief knowing that’s out of the way but my associates degree still looms so I’m not entirely out of the woods yet. I did re-write my resume and have started sending it out so let’s hope there is some interest.

I might be making a huge mistake doing this but I'm going to start hanging out with Matt as friends.

After not responding to his texts this weekend I had these overwhelming thoughts of never talking to him again. I couldn't sleep, it was all I thought about.

He lives in Allston now (close) and I told him I'm tired of talking about what happened, we both know how each other feels and I just want to move on. I'm not expecting us to ever get back together and wouldn't right now but I still miss having him as a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like I try and over-analyze everything and I just need to let life happen.

I've been in a funk the past few days but I think I'm getting out of it. I've been missing him like crazy and the thought of never talking to him again has been getting me down. This love bullshit is so ridiculous.

I've also been a little bummed about Justin which is just me being a girl. He is now in another relationship and for one I feel like I'm never going to see him again because he's spending all his time with her, two it was so damn fast and i don't want to see him get hurt right before he deploys. I know we all make choices when it comes to love and some of them are not the smartest. I just hope for him that it works out and I still get to see my friend.

Things I need to focus on right now:
-Writing a new resume
-Getting an actual job
-Saving for Texas and Spain



photo from weheartit.com

Today is grumpy day. I don't know why, probably because on days like today I really miss having someone to do something with. Everyone else is out with their significant others and I'm sweating inside my apartment. He texted me again this weekend and I ignored it. It was extremely hard. :(

I went to see Comeback Kid/Title Fight/Set Your Goals/Make Do and Mend/Soul Control yesterday. Another amazing show. I've never seen a crowd response quite like that. I told the boys I was with that if Set Your Goals played To Be Continued for their last song I would go in and sing. They played it, we all went in. I'm feeling it today...I'm so old.

I no longer have another human in my bed. Yay! My bed crasher is gone and it feels nice. I don't know if I'll ever meet another person who is like Greg. The kid is fascinating and has provided me with a good amount of entertainment over the last month but he also drove me up the wall so I'm not sad he's gone. He's was going to live with us permanently but apparently he has moved on to sharing another room with someone else.

I had my 'hang-out' last night with Brian. I asked him out so I don't know if it was considered a date? We had a lot of fun, mostly talking about Greg, haha. He seems like a good kid so more hangouts will probably be in order.

This week has crawled by. School is coming to an end and I'm burning out. I'm actually skipping class today to work on homework which I should probably go do so I get it done.

Deleted his number.

Have a date this week.

Moving on.

I don't even know how to sum up this weekend. There was lot's of dancing. There was some alcohol. There was vegan breakfast with friends. There was random adventures. There was new friends that were met. There were tears.

One of my adventures was hanging out with these dudes



I was sitting at Justin's house and he was talking with his friend Emily. He said he was sad because he wasn't able to go to a show with her and she didn't want to go by herself, so I told him I would go if she wanted, I had nothing else going on. Come to find out, she is dating the singer from Four Year Strong. I'm not one to fall over 'celebrities' so them being a big band didn't really do anything for me but it was interesting to see the event from a backstage perspective.

Then more texts from Matt which just resulted in more tears. I just need to stop responding.

Woke up this morning to two texts from Matt.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.




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Right now I was supposed to be in a car, driving with the windows down through smelly Jersey on my way to Delaware. Needless to say, I'm sitting in my apartment looking out at the rain clouds.

I took my car in to the dealership on Tuesday because the check engine light was on. They charged me $95 to look at the damn thing and then told me my car needed $2000 worth of work. I was grumpy. Being that I have very limited funds right now I decided it was in my best interest not to go to Delaware this weekend. One being money and two being that I didn't want my car to explode. My car is now sitting in a different shop, hoping for a different outcome of how much it will cost to fix it.

I also went vegan this week. Dun dun dun. I've been thinking of making the switch for awhile, and finally decided it's what I want to do. I don't have any interest in converting anybody, I don't care what other people eat, I made this decision for myself. My roommate decided he wanted to start in on me but quickly changed his tune when the other people he talked to pretty much agreed with me. I loved every minute of it, I'm not going to lie.

My weekends need to stop being so fun because I'm running out of the funds to keep them going. Friday night Brit, Renee, and I decided to go to Hell and dance. We walked in to Big D and the Kids Table playing which was a nice surprise. After they were done we got to dancing. We danced by ourselves and with this group of guys during the night. One of them turned out to be pretty cool and just so happens to know Greg. I told him we should go grab beers sometime.

Saturday the three of us drove to Worcester. The whole ride there we listened to these boys



They make me extremely happy. Saturday night we went to another show. That was a lot of fun as well. Ran into a guy I went out on a date with last summer. We chatted for a few and it wasn't entirely awkward. Tried to go to Hell again that night but couldn't get in because one of the kids we were with was wearing shorts. We just went back to Brit's, hung out and then I came home and crashed. I'm only working today this week and then I'm driving to Delaware this weekend to see my friend. Yay!

Matt texted me yesterday, asking if I had heard from Kevin about the shirts. I told him that I asked someone else to do it and he went off the deep end. Saying I apparently want him to suffer and how could I do this to him, I don't want to get back together.......and then he said since I'm doing so well he's going to fuck off and die. Nice, right? I thought I kept myself collected during the exchange. I laughed during some parts because it was so dramatic but it also makes me sad. Something is obviously not going well in his life and maybe he just needs to take his frustration out on me. He sent me another text this morning about listening to H20's song "Unconditional". I didn't end up listening to it but I read the lyrics, and then started to shed some tears in class. I hate it.

Needless to say Ruiner was on repeat again all day. Thought I was ready to move on to happier music but he just keeps digging the knife in.

It's getting easier and easier. I'm kind of restless in life right now though. I feel like I need a change. Whether that be apartments or city, I don't know. I don't want him to be the reason I move but I might just need to get away from Boston for a year or so. Or I might not leave at all.

Picture from weheartit.com

I should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as just sending an email.

After I sent the email I texted my friend that I just wrote Matt a good-bye email and I was tired. :( Because my brain was mush and I was in Matt mode I ended up sending him that text. Ooof. I told him that was meant for a friend, sorry. He said wow, be sure to get me that artwork and have fun with your new boyfriend.

And that's when I flipped my shit. I replied, "you need to stop thinking about yourself for once. You left me with no other option but to say goodbye. You left me hanging. This is all on you. Greg is not nor will he ever be my boyfriend. This isn't about that. This is about you treating me like an asshole. Don't tell me to get you the artwork. I'm doing YOU a favor but fuck that. I'll tell Kevin he should have someone else do it. I was being nice but fuck you Matt."

He said sorry, I'm just sad. I told him I've been sad for two months and he hasn't given two shits....and that was the end of the conversation. Do I feel like I have closure? I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm glad I've finally had a say in this. I've been keeping my mouth shut way too much and I needed to let it out. Will I be contacting him again? No. Will he try and contact me? I have no idea. And if he does I have no idea what I will do. I say I'm done with him but I will always care about him, he was my first love.

I sent Matt an e-mail just now. I needed to say good-bye.

Matt-

I probably shouldn't be writing this e-mail but I need too. I need to share what's on my mind and be done with it.

For some reason I thought going to your apartment last Thursday would be a good idea. I would either get closure on this whole deal or you would have magically decided that you made a huge mistake and wanted me back in your life. Obviously neither of those things happened.

You keep saying that you want to be with me but you can't right now. I don't understand this logic. Either you 100 percent want to be with me and no matter what the circumstances are, will be with me, or you don't. It's unfair to me to be in this position of uncertainty.

This is has been the hardest thing I have gone through. You have hurt me more than I can describe, and yet, I will always care about you. After leaving your apartment Thursday I was numb. As a person who didn't do anything wrong, getting treated like I was a pile of shit was hard to swallow. If one day you wake up and think that you want to be with me and make it work then let me know. I'm not waiting anymore though, I need to move on with my life. I can't just be friends with you, as much as that kills me. It is either all or nothing, so if it never gets back to that point then I can't talk to you.

This is me saying good-bye Matt. The time I spent with you and the boy will never be forgotten. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whatever that may be.

-Heather

I've been thinking about Matt a lot this week. I don't necessarily know why, because apparently I love to make myself feel like a bag of shit.

I ended up texting Matt yesterday and went to his house for dinner. I don't even want to talk about what was said because it was the same old shit he's been saying forever. Wants to be with but can't. I'm so fucking tired of hearing it.

He learned that Greg was sharing a room with me and turned into a total dickbag. He said if there was even a glimmer of us getting back together it's now ruined by him. Excuse me? You and I are not dating therefore you really have no say what I'm doing. ALSO, as much as I had a crush on Greg things are just not going to go down that road which I'm perfectly fine with. Us sleeping in the same bed does not equal we have sex. I left his apartment, stormed out. I have done nothing wrong yet I still can't let go of the douchebag.

I'm tired. I was doing so well but I've never felt like I've gotten closure. I still don't feel like I have closure.

What I want to do this summer (in no particular order)

















-Whitewater rafting
-Weekend trip to NYC
-A camping trip
-Whale watching
-Spain
-Maine/Acadia National Park
-Paintballing
-Red Sox Game


All photos from weheartit.com

Lot's to catch up on!

Greg came up on Wednesday (Thursday?) night to hang out and chat more about him crashing here. We went and grabbed dinner and it was decided that he was going to move in. We came back, watched Lost for a bit and then when I was getting tired we cuddled. While cuddling he told me to turn around to hug him, which I did, and then he kissed me. We kissed for a bit more and the topic of me liking him came up. He said he thought I was attractive and liked me too but didn't want to be in a relationship right now and would be a shitty boyfriend. At that point I kind of said meh in my head. I'm not going to put anymore effort into it if that's how he feels. Been there/done that. Doesn't mean I still won't cuddling, that never killed anybody. He met Heather that night and instantly started me asking all kinds of questions about her and why I'm skeptical of her now. He seemed very intrigued by her and being a dude I'm sure he wants to get to know her better to make me jealous, but it won't, I just might think he's an idiot.

Friday we went to the Celtics game. We sat in the nosebleeds, drank a way overpriced beer and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Came home and crashed.

Saturday I helped him move stuff from his apartment in Providence to a storage unit down the street. We stopped at Brit's apartment after and drove around for a good three hours singing terribly out of tune and way too loud. I love days like that. Came back to Boston and rode with Greg to Cambridge to get some ice cream. Once we got back to the apartment again, Heather invited us back out for another bike ride. I declined, just because I don't enjoy the company she rides with, but told Greg to go for it. He asked if I would be made if I went. I told him of course not, and I'm really not. I think it's great for him to go out and meet new people in Boston. Just because I have a not so great opinion about these people doesn't mean I'm going to be angry if he hangs out with them. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

I went out with Jasmine and Chad, some people I met when I was tanked with Justin on St. Patty's Day. We had a few drinks at the Model. It's always nice to get out and meet new people, dance a little bit and tell entirely too much information about yourself in one night. Chad wants to take me on a Q'doba date and while I don't necessarily see myself dating him, I would be stupid to pass up a quesadilla.

Today was spent on the Cape and at a beach. I don't think of a better way to spend Easter. I went with Justin, we flew a kite, dipped my toes in the freezing ocean, walked along the beach and talked about boys, girls and how we are all stupid.









Drinking a corona and getting ready for the upcoming week. Lot's of hangouts with friends, a tattoo appointment and a girls night. It should be fun :)

I love that life throws you unexpected things your way, at least when those things could potentially be good.

Justin and I went to the movies last night and after the movie I turn my phone on to see a text from Greg that says I'm fucked. I asked him why and he said that his roommate is moving out and he has to be out of his apartment by the 10th and has nowhere to go. This is the part where a normal person would respond that sucks, but not me. NO, not me. I responded with if you need a place to crash, feel free to crash at my place. We talked back and forth for a bit and he might actually do it! He also asked if I cuddled, ohhhh, I cuddle alright.

I feel like this is crazy but you only live once and life is too short to be boring and safe. Life might juts be getting more interesting after all.

The weekends are such a tease, no work, no school. Just how life should be. Back to reality tomorrow so I need to soak in today.

Friday I drug Brit out to Lowell to go see a show. I've been listening to so much more hardcore since the break-up, plus I just wanted to get out of the house. We had a good time talking, she's a good date.

Saturday I poked around the apartment, texted Greg around 3 to see if we were still meeting up. I went to Providence around 7 to see him. We drove around looking for places to eat, ended up at a Mexican place but the wait was 50 minutes so we decided against that. Ended up at AS220. Brit took me here for the first time about a month and a half ago, I've since been back three times. Nice little place with good food and old time sodas.


Greg really liked it too. We talked about life, past relationships. It was a nice chat. Also went to the movies but since I don't have a tv I really don't know what's in theaters anymore. He recommended:

I was extremely skeptical but he kept saying it had gotten good reviews so I went with it. I am so glad I did. I laughed throughout the entire movie. I drove him home after, he asked when he was going to see me next. :) No kisses though, I'm such a baby when it comes to this stuff. I'm also in no rush (actually I kind of am, he's so good looking) but I also want to make sure it's not just me who has these feelings. He texted me as I was driving back to Boston that he had a good time, I'm a sweet girl and to drive safe.

I'm off to Nicole's house today. Old friends of hers are coming over and I'm crashing the party. We might even play some Chatroulette bingo, I sure as hell hope so!

Justin and I went for sushi on Wednesday night. Nothing like avocado rolls to make this girl happy. We came back, he made a cake (ha!) and watched a movie. Bringing up the whole 'what are we' topic was a little weird but I told him that since we both just got out of relationships this would probably be best as just a friendship thing. He totally agreed, he's going to be gone training a lot in the next few months and then deploying. We still agreed to go on lot's of adventures. He's a good dude so I definitely want to remain friends. He also brought me a Guns up record and hoodie so I am forever indebted to him.

Greg had to cancel tonight but we are possibly hanging out tomorrow. I also scored tickets to the Celtics game next Friday and invited him. Judging by the amount of !!!!!!'s used in his text reply he seems really excited to go. I've never been to a Celtic's game or any professional basketball game so I'm wicked pumped too. Even if the seats are shitty we will still have fun.

I'm not feeling too hot today, I don't know if it's the weather or eating too much french toast last night but I feel blah. I didn't go to class and didn't go to my internship. To make myself feel better I bought this:


I can't wait for it to arrive. With that, it's back to homework. Summer cannot come soon enough.

My life with boys was nothing short of boring before Matt and it's proving to be the same after.

Juggling two boys is not something I'm good at, I feel like one of them is going to get hurt, maybe all of us. I'm not tied down right now though so this is the point of my life when I should be doing this. Have to put yourself out there and if you end up getting hurt, at least you tried.

I'm hanging out with Justin on Wednesday, we are having a sushi 'date'/hangout? Justin and I have done more than just friends do, but at this point I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends. We've both recently gone through break-ups, he's going overseas for at least a year in August and I think that would just set us both up for disappointment.

I've been laying low with Greg seeing if he would contact me and he did. He texted me today wondering when we are going to hang out next. I told him Friday since my week is booked. He thought that was too far away but what can you do. This week shall prove to be interesting, that's for damn sure!

Matt texted me out of the blue yesterday, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and the boy. I wanted to throw up immediately, seeing his name just gives me that reaction. It was a beautiful yesterday and he wanted to know if I wanted to come to Castle Island. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, especially seeing the boy. I also asked if he had been thinking this week. He said yes but that he thought I already made up my mind. I told him I had no other choice, hanging on was hurting me too much. I told him he knows what he needs to do remedy this situation and this was on all him. In no way does that mean I'm still waiting for him, I've moved on. Also doesn't mean I would give him another chance but he knows what he needs to do for that to even be a possibility.

Greg ended up making it to show. We left for a bit and grabbed some food and then came back and hung out. I didn't want to come on too strong, he's so god damn good looking he could get any girl he wants. It's rather annoying. I figure if he is interested then maybe he should have to work a little bit :P

Got tattooed this morning, did 4 more outlines of postcards. The sleeve is finally coming together and after coloring these in, there isn't much room left for anything. Might go to the bar tonight with Nikki, that should be interesting.

Apparently the key for me to not think about Matt is to put my energy into different people. That doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right away but hanging out with new people just takes my mind off of him.

St. Patrick's day I met up with a friend on Nicole's at a bar in downtown. He was there with three of his friends. I had a lot of fun, drank some Irish car bombs and too many coronas. Tonight is the show which another friend is supposedly coming too. We texted back and forth yesterday and he was bummed on life/girls so I told him not to feel pressure to come. Last night right before bed he said he was going to come again. Boys.

It should be a fun weekend, I'm getting tattooed tomorrow and then seeing one of my favorite bands, Guns up, on Sunday. Plus the weather is supposed to be good. AHHHH I love Spring.

Monday afternoon, after jury duty, I came home and started picking up my room. While getting things organized I found a Christmas ornament. This jogged my memory into reminding myself that I left all of my ornaments in Matt's closest at his apartment. The only thing I left there. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Normally I would just consider them a wash but all of my childhood ornaments were in there, pretty much the only mementos I have from that time of my life. I felt like my only option was to contact him and see if I could get them back at some point.

I texted him Monday explaining the situation, no response. I texted him later that night saying that if he got my first text could he at least respond with an okay, no response. I called him Tuesday morning assuming he was going to be at work in which case I would leave a voicemail. It rang and rang but never kicked it over to voicemail. At this point I got worried and thoughts of him potentially hurting himself went through my brain. I was keeping in contact with Nicole and she insisted on calling his work, disguising herself, just to check to make sure he was in fact still alive. Irrational, I know, but with things he has said previously to me and him being potentially depressed, I needed to make sure. He answered but couldn't hear Nicole so she didn't even have to make up some elaborate story, but at least I knew he was there. Then the fact that he is probably just ignoring me came to be. I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if he responds, if not, I might e-mail him.

I think for me to really get over him, stop thinking about him and moving on is to start meeting and hanging out with new people. So that's what I'm going to do! Tonight to celebrate the fact that I am not Irish but I can pretend, I'm going to a bar in downtown with one of Nicole's friends. He just so happened to break up with his girlfriend this past weekend. Break ups everywhere! We will go drown our sorrows with some Irish car bombs. Who wouldn't want to hang out with us? Friday, I invited this boy whom I've had a secret crush on forever, to come out to a show at the skatepark. He agreed, so let's see if it actually happens.

I feel like it's been raining for weeks when in reality it's only been days. It's been non-stop for days, not nice rain. Brutal rain. It's now raining in my bedroom. Landlord better come and fix that soon.



Even though I feel better, I still constantly think about him. I wonder when the day will come that I don't. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he knows he made a mistake or is genuinely happy that we are no longer together. I try not to think about these things but I do. I'm ready for the day when these thoughts are not a part of me anymore.

Picture source

Friday and Saturday have been a success. Friday I had some work to do at the courthouse downtown as part of my interning. They kept introducing me as a paralegal and it took me by surprise that this is finally happening. In a few months I will actually be a paralegal. Then I do a little happy dance on the inside because weeeee! I met a cute lawyer that works the program I am also working with. I hope it's okay to secretly wish that we will someday be in the office together even though he's probably 9 years older than me. I'm going back to the courthouse this Friday to do some family law stuff which I am very excited about. Right now I'm feeling pulled into that area of the law.

Friday night included a hardcore show. I love going from being in a buttoned-up professional environment to this.



Hardcore show also included cute boys, one in particular. Can never have too many cute boys in your life. Another nice night to get out and have a few drinks and become ultra giggly with Nicole.

Today I went and hung out with Brit again. While we were going through our very similar break-up situation together, hers has now taken a turn that mine will not. I know she will come through it and I really want to be there to support her. We are SO similar, it's eerie, the way we think about life and the way we treat people. I know she will be okay.

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I feel like this past month of my emotional roller coaster is finally coming to an end.

Talking with him last night really showed me that he isn't putting forth the effort that is needed right now. I have given him plenty of time and space, held onto every ounce of hope that things would work out. After writing the post this morning and thinking more about it, I had to tell Matt that I was stepping away. I feel sad, sad that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. Sad that these two people whom I cared and loved deeply will not be a part of my future. I'm excited for the future though, for meeting new people and going on new adventures. It's still hard but I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was exactly a month ago. I'm letting go on my terms. I wished him the best and hope he gets the help that he needs.

Source

I texted Matt on Monday. Called him yesterday. No replies to both. Kind of said fuck it in my head and went about my day. He called back last night while I was sleeping. I answered, I asked him about my text Monday and how I would appreciate it if he would answer my texts, especially when I ask a question, which I did. He said he was sorry. I don't know, I'm kind of getting tired. I'm done chasing, if he wants to be with me then he will make the effort too.

Then we discussed why I called him in the first place, Thursday night. He had to re-do one of the hoodies for me and I suggested coming to his place Thursday night to pick it up. He said he was going to be in Boston around noon on Thursday so he would just drop it by, clearly not wanting me to come over Thursday night. Again, fuck it. I told him that he said we could start slowly progressing our relationship and I feel like we are just going backwards. Going to let him be the one to decide when to do something next.

I'm going to enjoy my weekend and I have some awesome new clothes coming in the mail.

After texting back and forth for a bit last night with Matt he said part of me wants to invite you over. I told him that maybe that part should, although he wondered if it would be a bad idea. I told him that if he wants things to work again between us I saw no harm in hanging out for a few hours. He said okay...leave now. So I did.

I got there and didn't really plan to talk about us but eventually the conversation flowed into that. We decided together that things need to start slowly progressing in the next few weeks to build back up our relationship and make it better than before. Then he made me snuggle with him and it was the best 30 minutes of snuggling I've ever had. Truly did not realize how much I would miss that until i didn't have it anymore.

I'm hopeful that things will work out the way they need to. I think this was a wake up call for him and showed him that I truly truly love him and the boy. Bit by bit everything will fall into place and I just need to enjoy the ride, as hard as that is sometimes.

Today was filled with sunshine

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and movies



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and gift certificates from a sister to a lovely cupcake shop down the street.



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Have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not going to think about my love life and just let things happen. I go back and forth so much and this blog is my diary so I can recount how crazy my thoughts are, but I just need to stop thinking about it. While writing this he texted me to see how I'm doing. GAH. I haven't texted him for days so maybe he really is trying to make an effort.

I'm spending my Saturday night puppy sitting. What an exciting life I lead. As much as the puppy can be a little asshole I'm excited to spend the evening in an apartment with heat and cable. I enjoy the simple things in life.

Last night I came out the skate park for a show. It was probably one of the best shows I've been too in awhile. Thoroughly enjoyed all of the bands and have some downloading of music to do.

Also got to talking more with John and Nicole about my situation and how they think I'm not making the smartest choice. They don't want to see me get strung along and John being a dude knows how other dudes think. They are right and I'm only doing this for a few weeks and then our relationship needs to start progressing again. Nicole has also found the next boy with whom I should be set up with it. I haven't completely said no to this idea, and the kid is somebody I would definitely be interested in. Matt and I had the agreement of not seeing or hooking up with other people while we are on this break but if I don't start seeing some sort of effort on his part, I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Met my friend Kate after work last night for some Mexican food. Kate is amazing, the kind of friend you want in your corner. She wanted to get caught up and make sure I was okay. Apparently her husband was also worried about me. They have done a lot for me during this process as have all of my friends. Since I have no family around, my friends are my family and mean the world to me.

Kate and I got talking about the latest news and I asked her if she had ever had her heart broken. I knew Michael was pretty much her first relationship. She said that in the first year of dating Michael they actually broke up. This is something I did not know so I was very intrigued. She broke up with him for a few months, they continued to talk during that time and they finally got back together because they both knew they couldn't live without each other. Awww. It was nice talking about that and realizing that these things do happen and sometimes you come out even stronger than before.

Picked up hoodies from Matt last night outside his work. Driving there and any time I have seen him in the past three weeks I get an instant urge to vomit. He comes walking out and my heart just races, he is so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.

He sat in my car and we talked some more about life. We laughed and joked around...things between us seemed better. Not as tense, not as emotional. I mentioned to him that a new vegan cafe opened in Davis Square and he said maybe someday he will take me there and buy me dinner. That would be nice.

There is something about this boy that I can't explain and it's not something I've had with anybody else. Even as a teenager in high school I didn't date, I never saw the point. Nobody held my interest long enough. My first boyfriend was at the age of 19 and even then, that was a shit show. I've been on countless dates with countless guys and even joked with my friends about writing a book about them. They accounted for a lot of laughs. This one is different and because this one is different I can't let him go that easy. I'm sure some people think I should just move on and forgot about this and hanging on is pathetic, and I probably would too if I wasn't in the situation. Until you are, it's so hard to know what to do.

This hasn't been easy but I feel I have a pretty level head on my shoulders when it comes to most things and at this point I think I'm doing the right thing. Time will only tell.

I'm ready for the weekend, it's supposed to be sunny and possibly hitting 50 degrees. And my morning would not be complete without stopping at this place first. Not for the donuts, but for the coffee. Boston has converted me, I don't think I could live without it now.


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**For all two of you who subscribe to me in reader, I changed my url so you might want to update that**

That accurately describes how I feel life is going at the moment. I talked to Matt last night. I just needed to know that in his heart, when all is said and done, he does want to be with me. If he was questioning it then I would have needed to move on.

He said he wants to be with me but right now he can't be. I can either move on or wait this out and see what happens. He has this cycle in his life where he starts dating someone, things going really well-he gets comfortable-and then they go to shit. He doesn't want to be like this anymore which is why he broke up with me before things became even more serious and my feelings would have been more hurt. He needs to work on himself and has been doing so the past few weeks, he feels a little better in his finances and his car situation was taken care of.

Our communication needed to be addressed because we obviously were not on the same page. I told him I didn't want to talk for a month a few days ago but I don't really want to go that long without talking, neither does he. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week for now, potential moving up to seeing one another in a month or so.

I feel better. It's still a roller coaster but at least I know for sure that he does want to be with me in the end and now we just have to move through this gross phase.

photo source

I was so excited to change my calendar last night from February to March. Good-bye to the worst month of my life, I'm ready for a new one.

I'm ready for the weather to start getting a little nicer. I really can't take this raining for a week straight, but it is better than snow.



I'm keeping myself busy this month with tattoo appointments, going to shows (Guns up!), jury duty and lot's of girls nights.

March is going to be okay, I can feel it.

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I wasn't able to fully talk to Matt yet but I think we are just going to take a month of not talking to one another and see what happens from there. It will take the pressure off of both of us, he can focus on what he needs to work on and I won't be checking my phone every hour seeing if tried contacting me. One day at a time.