Thursday, April 26, 2012

Emma seems to be doing well in her new home. Her new owner has been texting me quite a bit keeping me updated.  I guess they are all bonding with each other and Emma is being her usual lovable self.  It makes me feel good but man do I miss her.

I've been keeping myself busy. I have 3 days left in my apartment so I'm busy packing, finishing up homework  and having the occasional margarita (or two) with friends.  I've also been pulling things together for my new room, it's so exciting!  No more boy shit and scarface posters.

This is going to be good, I can feel it!  Things may or may not be quiet around here, I'm not sure.  I'm going to be couch surfing for about three weeks before moving into the new place but I might get wicked bored so we'll see.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I took Emma to (hopefully) her new home last night.  Waking up this morning without her snuggly butt in my face was quite weird. 

This family contacted me through a mutual friend because they had been thinking about getting a dog for sometime.  When they saw her picture they started considering it more seriously but when they learned I only had a week left to find her a good home, they wanted to meet her.

I packed up all of her belongings last night and her and I took the hour drive out of the city to the suburbs.  She was whining pretty much the whole way, she really doesn't do well in the car.  She would rest her head on the side of my seat and I would reach over and scratch her chin, something I would do quite often.

We got to the house and she was extremely excited. I let her run around the backyard a bit before bringing the family out.  Once she stretched her legs, they came out and she went running over in all of her wiggling butt glory.  She played and played for over an hour with the kids and then we went inside to let her sniff around.  I typed out a page about every little thing I could think of about her.  How she likes to sleep, how she loves jumping in the tub after you shower, all of the things I've come to love over the past year. We sat and chatted more about her little quirks. 

I shed more than a few tears and eventually said goodbye.  I came home to a quiet apartment, it's just weird without her there.  I really hope she blends into this family.  I know how much work she is and I think they are ready to take that on. They do have cats and Emma managed to chase one up a tree but maybe her and the cats will just stay away from each other.  I'm nervous that she'll be too much work and they'll be calling me in a week saying they can't take her.  I can't really take her back as much as I would love to.  Sigh.  I'm staying positive that it will work out though.

I love you little Emma.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Can I take back that post about wanting the best for Matt and hoping he finds happiness?  Because dammit if I haven't been slapped across the face the past few weeks.

He no longer communicates with me, which is fine, but the only time I want to communicate with him is about Emma.  Apparently he's totally okay with just dropping her.  I'm taking her to meet a lady and her kids on Tuesday so I'm crossing my fingers that they will be a good fit. I have a week left in my place so my anxiety is in high gear.

I just went down to talk to my neighbor and she asked me how I was doing.  I explained the communication issue and she agreed it was best to just distance myself.  She also informed me that Matt used to text her at night after I had gone to bed because he was "bored".  I'm still sitting here quite shocked.  When we first started dating I had my fair share of trust issues and gut feelings about things.  Over time those quickly faded and I fully trusted him. To learn this just makes me sick to my stomach.  I know it could be nothing but no guy needs to be texting his attractive neighbor at all hours of the night because he was bored. Makes me wonder what else he was doing.  Maybe I don't want to know.

What a fucking douchebag. I really hope i don't ever have to see him again because I'm disgusted.  Completely disgusted.  His loss though.  I'm too good for him.  Yep, I said it.  Good luck buddy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Isn't that the truth.

Matt was MIA again last night.  I needed the last four of his social so I could split up our T-Mobile accounts but from about 3 pm on, he was nowhere to be found. I could give two shits less what he's doing or who he's doing it with, but while we are still living together and tying up loose ends, it would be nice for him to at least respond when I ask him a question. I'm not asking him to get back together, far from it.  I just want to get everything squared away so I can peace out.

I slept on the couch but he didn't come home so that was a wasted effort.  Guess he went over to his 'friends' house, left his phone in the car and fell asleep. Uh huh.  And I was born yesterday. Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not but disappearing twice in the matter of week is slightly suspicious.  If I still didn't have the responsibility of dealing with Emma, my shit would be packed so fast but he's apparently washed his hands of her as well.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Why is my life filled with a bunch of useless men who can't do anything? I'm so irritated with ALL OF THEM.

My landlord for one has been a complete piece of shit this whole time.  It started with him giving me 4 hours notice that he was showing the place.  I got into it with him on the sidewalk because I told him that wouldn't work, yet he completely disregarded that fact and has been an asshole ever since.  He says he'll keep our deposit if he can't get the place rented. HA.  Good luck buddy.  Yesterday he texted me that people are interested in the apartment but are turned off by the dark colors.  Uh, the living room is gray?  AND IT'S PAINT. For the love of Christ, we can paint over it before we move out but I sure as hell am not painting it now between trying to wrangle a dog and pack.  He eventually called Matt because he didn't like the answers he was getting from me because I can't take his shit.  He picked the wrong person in the relationship to be a dick to.

Matt, oh Matt.  I've been trying to deal with him civilly and I think I've done a pretty good job but why am I the only that has to drop everything and re-arrange my schedule when we have apartment showings?  He's out gallivanting around town doing God knows what, won't even respond to a pretty important text message, while I'm trying to pick up all the pieces.  I have my own shit to do but I guess that's not important. 

This needs to be over soon before I fucking murder someone.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I have a place to live!  I got word this morning that the girls in the apartment I went to look out would love to have me. I'm so relieved and excited.  It will be a fresh start, I'll (hopefully) make some new friends and things will be okay.  I still have a long list of things to accomplish but at least that's over with.

Last night I went out with an old coworker.   We always have a great time bitching about men and drinking margaritas.  She's a big music fan and usually drags me along to great shows.  We went and saw Snow Patrol.  Their music takes me back to road tripping across the US with my ex, him sleeping the whole fucking way and me being left alone with my thoughts on long dark roads. 

Of course I sat behind the two biggest lovebirds in the whole place.  She couldn't stop touching his butt and sucking his face.  After awhile it was comical because it was SO over the top. He went to grab a beer at one point and I didn't think he would come back. But he did.  Snow Patrol put on a great show though.  Some of their songs give me chills...

Emma and I are having a date night tonight.  It saddens me that my days of snuggling her are getting fewer :( 

Saturday I have some appointments and then will be going to a basement hardcore show.  I plan to get a little tipsy with Nicole and stay over.  Maybe paint our nails in between bottles of wine, we'll see.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Nothing has changed.  No home for Emma, no home for me. 

My days are filled with tears because I'm barely hanging on.  This is way way too much change at once.  I go between moments of being incredibly angry at Matt to just completely exhausted with no emotion. I'm not mad at him for breaking up with me, but right now?  The timing couldn't have been more worse.  I'm getting closer to the end of school which means finals and my work is slammed. Plus that whole doing this all in three weeks thing.

I haven't even started packing and I still need to sell a lot of furniture but I don't want to sell the big stuff until sooner to the move, but then what if I don't sell it?  Tons of money just down the shitter which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.

Algebra has me incredibly tense.  It's so difficult to concentrate with all of this going on.

I hope things start falling into place soon.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Now I'm getting stressed.  In 3 weeks I'll need to be out of my apartment but I have yet to find a new place, find a new home for Emma, pack, sell furniture, all while staying on top of my schoolwork and functioning at my job.

I also got a lovely email from my insurance company this morning that any money above the $15/day I have for rental coverage is my responsibility. Huh? I went over this and over this with them.  Some drunk bitch hit me, her insurance will have to pay.  Yet, that's not happening?  So help me God, I'm going to strangle someone through my phone. My boss already said we would send her insurance company a letter if they dick around so, yay for working for a law firm! I shouldn't have to pay over $200 so some twat can walk away from an accident and be all set.  (Yes, I said twat)

Things might be a little quiet around here for awhile but come May, please send lot's of alcohol.

Friday, April 06, 2012

Amazingly, I'm feeling pretty peaceful about this whole situation.  It's quite weird. 
(Minus the stuff to do with Emma.  I don't like thinking/talking about her, it makes me cry).

This is so different from last time.  Maybe because I've been  through it before? I don't know.  Although, this time there is a lot more stuff to figure out.  We've furnished an apartment together, merged health insurance, phones, etc., so dividing all of that up is going to be a fun task.  As well as trying to move an apartment worth of stuff into a room.  I can't afford a place in Boston by myself so I'm going to have to go back to living with roommates.  Sigh.

I woke up this morning and things felt normal.  I came out of the bedroom and Emma leaped off the couch doing her little tail wags, unbeknownst to her that things are going to drastically change soon. Things in our relationship have been kind of rocky for the past few months and I just kept on trudging on.  I thought maybe things would eventually change or our stresses would start to die now and we'd be okay.  Writing about your shitty relationship isn't something that's normally done, nor is talking about it, so while this break up may not be as much of a shock to me, most of my friends and family are. My friends have been great and I think it's during times like these that you really find out what you are capable of.

I hope Matt comes out okay too.  I hope he finds what he's looking for in life and can find happiness. 

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

The joke about Matt being single if he won wasn't a joke I guess.  He didn't win but now I'm single.

I spent my whole day planning out A's birthday party.  I was excitedly chatting with Nicole all during work as we came up with a thousand fun ideas.  I texted Matt and emailed him my plans but no response.  He texted me when he got off of work that he was sorry, he was just having a crazy day and we would talk when I got home.  Something felt off about this text message so I asked him if everything was okay.  He said yes.

I walked in the door and he was sitting in the bedroom.  Just sitting.  He said we needed to talk.  Everybody on the face of the earth knows what that means.

So, that's it. I didn't melt down like before.  I almost feel okay, like I need to power through it.  We are practically married, having everything intertwined in our lives besides the legal aspects so that sucks.  Also, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep Emma which absolutely rips me apart.  I just know she deserves more than I'm going to be able to give her by myself.  I think that's what I'm most sad about now.

I'll never do this again though.  I'm jaded.  Extremely extremely jaded.  I will never ever date a man who already has a child.  It's not for the weak and I'm not weak but we still couldn't make it.