Monday, January 30, 2012

I woke up at 6:30 today to my alarm going off like I do every day. I look at my phone and see that I have a voicemail, presumably from my Mom since I missed her call.

I groggily listen to the voicemail but instantly wake up when I can tell she's been crying. She tells me through tears that I need to call my sister as soon as possible. My mind starts racing about possible things that may have happened. Did she get hurt? Did one of the girls get hurt? Did her fiance leave?

I call my sister but no answer. I take Emma out to go to the bathroom, come back inside to a text that says she'll call me in a few, she's just getting the girls to bed. I do the math in my head, it's almost 2 am there, something is wrong. But she's texting and it seems that both girls are at least still here. I sigh a little thinking that it must not be too bad but just a bump in the road.

I was wrong.

She called me back and I ask her what's wrong. She answers but I don't understand what she's saying. I ask her to repeat that, and I hear, "Ken passed away."

It takes a minute to sink in. My sister's seemingly healthy, under 30 fiance, died. WHAT?! I don't get it. I sit there for a few minutes just stunned, shocked. I stay on the phone and just let her talk. I can hear my niece in the background saying she's scared. She was there when he wouldn't wake up from his nap. She was there when the ambulance was called and the EMT's tried CPR. She saw all of this. And now she lost him.

I text Matt and e-mail my boss that I'm going to be a little late coming in and explained the circumstances. I get myself out the door and onto the train. Tears start coming but I try to hide them. I get my kindle out and start reading. I flip the pages but I'm not absorbing the words, I'm just in my own thoughts.

I grab a coffee and something to eat although my body has no interest in doing either of those things. I can't get this out of my head. He's gone. This shouldn't be happening. I take the elevator up to work and feel a heaviness. I don't want to go in there. I walk in and nothing is said.

Instead of asking me if I'm okay, he wants to talk about going to the zoo this weekend. Really? My sister just lost her fucking fiance and you want to talk about the ZOO? Work is piling up on my desk yet I'm in a fog. The hurt is so fresh. My heart breaks for my sister and for her kids, for his family as well.

I may head home at lunch. I don't know if I can handle being here.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I'm supposed to be doing a lot of this:


But that's looks so incredibly boring that I've been doing more of this:


Why didn't anyone tell me about this show? and that it's awesome? and it makes me want to go sing karaoke?

It kind of makes me want to go back to high school, but only if these two were involved:


(yes, that's me in the middle) (i'll take them both)

Friday, January 20, 2012

I don't handle stress well, as if that is not evident enough. Sometimes I need to wig out so that I can return my brain to feeling normal. This includes going off the deep end or having crying outbursts. The other night I wanted to have a good cry in the shower and my tear ducts would not work. Do you know how frustrating that is? I wanted to cry so bad just to get it out and I couldn't. I'm happy to report my tear ducts are working again and I feel a little more in control.

Boston was finally hit with like an inch of snow last night. Last year I think we had about 96 feet at this point so I'm welcoming the break. Although I do love looking at this beautiful city with a layer of snow on top. It covers up all the gross, dead looking trees and drab landscape. I also would rather have a few inches of snow than freezing cold temperatures, thankyouverymuch.

Tomorrow marks 6 years since I moved to Massachusetts. That's so crazy for me to think about. I can still remember landing at Logan Airport and feeling so completely out of place. I had never even been to this part of the country, yet here I was making myself a new home. I didn't know a single person and now I can say I have met some pretty amazing people and have wonderful friends. It's been a trip, that's for sure.

This weekend will be spent with dragging kids to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D so I can relive some of my days when I was child. A group of my friends are also supposed to get together on Sunday for breakfast and gossip. Come Monday, school starts again. I'm trying to go in with an open mind, we'll see how long that lasts.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I live my day to day life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Wondering what's going to hit us next.  I don't think I should be living this way, but that's life.  All of these little annoyances build and build and build and I'm just supposed to keep flinging them off. 

I'm getting tired though.  Work is stressful, home is stressful, school is stressful.  There's no peace.  Something is always happening, life can never 'just be'. I'm treading this water as hard as I can but I wonder how long it will last.  At some point you just kind of have to give up.

I'm trying to take this day by day and I guess that's all I can do.  It just sucks.  Sometimes life just fucking sucks.   I wonder if it will all be worth it.  Working my ass off going to work full time, school part time, stretching myself so thin that I can barely function.  It's disheartening, that's for damn sure and I wonder if in 10 years I'll be proud.  I'm not sure.

Monday, January 16, 2012

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed that I was attempting a DIY project. Over the course of the past few months I kept seeing these rugs where you paint them yourself.  After researching the cost of rugs and gasping out loud ($300+), I decided to go for it.

Matt and I ventured to IKEA where we bought what I thought was a $40 rug but it was actually a $60 rug. It was the bigger version which I'm actually glad we went with because we'd have a bath-mat if I went with the $40 one.  We picked up paint and supplies for around $25, so $85 total.  That's pretty good.

If it wasn't for Matt, this project probably wouldn't have been finished.  I sat at the kitchen table Saturday night trying to figure out exactly how to tape this rug up.  I'm okay with math but my head was spinning.  We laid the rug out and after arguing for 15 minutes, I took up residence on the couch and let him do it.  If you ever need a relationship tester or want to fight with your significant other, do a DIY project.  Or try to put together a piece of furniture from IKEA.  One of you will end up leaving.

First step was the taping, this was probably the worst part and it took a few hours.  I Matt used the green painters tape because it's apparently better than the blue tape.  It did come up very easily.  I choose the very popular chevron pattern that is in right now.


I used regular latex paint with an eggshell base.  It is a little stiff but I'm interested to see how it will hold up over the next few months. Then I started painting.  I did two coats, and it took about 3 hours.  My ass is sore (in case you wanted to know).  Emma was also at daycare during all of this shiz because there is no way I was going to do this with a wild dog around.


I let it dry for about 5 hours before we positioned it under the couch.  We had to go pick up the beast (Emma) 


I was a little nervous to peel the tape up but I think it turned out great!  


I was going to get the living room "photo ready" but Emma is zonked out from daycare so I didn't have the heart to kick her off the couch. 


That's it!

Today's plan was to make the curtain for the windows in these pictures that are naked but my iron (aka hair straightener) has decided it doesn't want to turn on so chaos is happening in my apartment. 

Sorry for the crappy pictures, the light in my apartment sucks and differs greatly throughout the day.  

Monday, January 09, 2012


I think this is my life motto. 

I'm not sure where it went, but it's gone y'all.  My patience went and packed its bags and moved elsewhere.  If there was one resolution I should have made for the New Year, it would be to have more patience.  But, I'm not foolin' myself.  As soon as I get in a situation where it's needed, I completely lose my shit.

Saturday, I was going to my friend's son's birthday party and it was quite a ways out of the city.  We needed air in the tires and I wanted to get them filled before I left.  Matt said it was really easy so off I went with my 75 cents.  I did everything correct and when I went to put the air machine into the tire, the pressure meter started going down. WTF. I went off.  I started checking the other tires, flailing around on the ground, calling Matt in a fury, whipping the air hose was quite the scene I'm sure.  I should have just politely screwed the caps back on, went home and asked Matt to go take care of it.  Instead, I made an ass out of myself. 

Yesterday we went to the mall (UGH) because I needed to return two shirts that Matt brought me for Christmas.  I walked into Forever 21, and the line was wrapped around the store, yet there was about 17 employees standing in a group yapping their lips off.  I went to the second floor check out counter and asked if I needed to return something downstairs.  The girl said this counter was closed.   I told her I wasn't standing in that fucking line and walked out.  I was fuming.  I think I probably had steam coming out of my ears.  When there is that many people waiting to check out, tell your employees to get the fuck to work and open up another register. We went to Target, I got myself a coffee and I said I would go try again.  This was the last possible day for me to return these shirts, so I had to do it.  

I walked back in the store and the line was much more manageable, about 6 people.  I get up to the counter and the girl working calls over the manager to do the return and it was the exact. same. girl. from. upstairs who I just said fuck too. HAH. Maybe she got my message and actually opened up another counter.  I gave her the stink eye the whole time.  

I wish I could be one of those people who lets this kind of stuff just roll of their backs, but I realized, I'm not. I used to be when I was birth control, but I also realized I was pretty devoid of emotions at that point. 

So I guess I need to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Being absolutely bat shit crazy insane or a zombie.

Friday, January 06, 2012

A few weeks ago we learned that neighbor upstairs would be moving out. 

I didn't think anything of it until Matt went upstairs to see the apartment this past week and excitedly came running back downstairs and told us we needed to move up there. It's completely remolded, has 2 bedrooms, an open concept kitchen/living room, and a little deck.  They were only paying $70 more in rent then we are. 

I told him fine, text the landlord, don't get your hopes up, blah blah blah. I then found the listing on Craigslist and saw that they had now listed the apartment for $200 more than what the other guy was paying!  I had gotten my hopes up.  I started envisioning the layout of the place and got excited about a fresh start.  I really do like the apartment we are in now but we kind of just came in and slapped things on the walls and have never really "decorated". Most of the shit on the wall come's from Matt's bachelor days and if I could throw it in the trash, it would be gone in a heartbeat.

Our landlord eventually texted us back saying that the apartment had been rented.  Sad trombone.  Whoever is moving in there is getting ripped off though, no way that apartment should be rented for $1,375.  I also hope they are not loud people and walk around like elephants or play music loudly at 11 pm.  Joys of apartment living!

I decided though that it's about darn time to fix up our apartment though, yah know, with all of this money that doesn't exist.  First order of business is a DIY rug from IKEA.  I'll let you know how it goes and how many swear words exit my mouth when I'm attempting some chevron stripe shit.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Oh hey 2012!

I thoroughly enjoyed my 4 day weekend from work.  Wish those would happen all the time, I could get used to it. 

The past few days I turned 25 (!!!), ate too much Chinese food, took way too many naps, snuggled my pup, didn't really clean, watched some movies, saw Young Adult, oh, and saw AMERICAN NIGHTMARE.

Standing outside in the freezing cold for an hour, not being able to feel my toes was so worth it. There was also a rumor of Ryan Gosling being in attendance but I didn't even notice.  In case you have never been to a hardcore show, this is what you are missing out on:

Probably one of the greatest nights. 

My google reader is bursting, my work email is overflowing, so I need to get my bum in gear.