Thursday, May 27, 2010

Life feels a little surreal right now. I have an extremely busy weekend but I'll write more on Sunday.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I don't want to rehash the details of what happened but when a friend questions your intentions....feelings get hurt. I try to be the best friend/person I can be and of course I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I will openly admit when I did something wrong and apologize.

I don't want to dwell on what was said, what happened. I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I think both sides made mistakes and that's what happens in any relationship. Ups and downs.

Also, can I go here? Please?

I'm spending the night working on my resume and cover letter for an amazing job opportunity that makes me just giddy thinking about the possibilities. It's not going to be an easy gig to get but I'm thinking positive.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I was going to write a post this weekend about friendships and how they take work. Lately I feel like I've been putting in a lot of work for some of my friendships and not getting a fair share back. I didn't write it though because I told myself that we all have busy lives and this is just the point we are at now and I should be grateful for what I do have.

Maybe my subconscious knew something was brewing because I got slapped across the face with it today.

This weekend was a baptism for a little boy whom I consider my nephew. I woke up Saturday not feeling well but told myself I needed to go. I drove over an hour to get there with a stop to cry. I got the the church and watched the baptism and proceeded to the house for a BBQ. Still wasn't feeling good so after about 45 minutes when another friend needed to leave, I also excused myself. I didn't mention why I was leaving, they were both busy. Should I have shot them a message later explaining why I left? Probably. The thought didn't even cross my mind though. My mind was on getting home and going to home to bed. I could understand being upset with me if I skipped out and went to hang out with another friend but that wasn't the case at all.

I texted her this morning to see if she was at work. We usually get online in the mornings and have our few minutes of gossip fest before work but she wasn't online. She replied later with an email explaining that she was hurt. And then went into more details about how she feels the only time I hang out anymore is for a potential boy connection.

I'm still kind of reeling and don't think I can express what I need to right now, so that will be for another day.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I'm still trying to process the last week. Tuesday night I texted Matt asking if we were still going to hang out on Wednesday. I told him what had happened with Brit and how I just needed a hug and to be able to get my mind off things. The whole time we were in a relationship I never really needed him. I wanted him, of course, but this week I did need him.

And then he canceled. Texted me Wednesday saying he had gotten a new emulsion for screen-printing and that he wanted to try it out. The text was littered with smiley faces. I started crying, I was angry, emotional, and upset. We're not dating so it's probably my fault for putting this pressure on him to be there for me but I was hoping there would have been a change. He would have known that I really needed to hang out and would have made me a priority, for once.

He said he wants to go out tomorrow after he gets off of work but I'm not counting on that happening either.

My boss gave me Thursday off and I took Brit to the beach. We talked, lounged and ate some yummy food. She appears to be doing okay.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

After writing that last post and feeling somewhat stoked on life, I got kicked in the stomach with more news.

I texted Brit earlier in the day to make sure she was doing okay. She texted me back that she would call me later, things had been pretty hectic. I assumed she was at work, so around 7:30 she finally called.

Her voice was shaky, I knew something was wrong. She had said that she had been in the hospital for a bit.

I thought she miscarried. My heart sank, but I also almost let out a sigh of relief. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person but considering how this situation panned out, it was my first reaction.

The baby was fine. She was not. She took pills Sunday night, couldn't do it anymore. She realized that she would be hurting the baby so called the ambulance almost immediately. They flushed her system but she was still in and out of consciousness.

I don't even know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I wish I could do something, anything but just be there.

It almost feels surreal. I can't even process what would be happening right now if she was successful.
I'm either sick or allergies are kicking my ass. Either way, I don't approve.

I did get some encouraging news. One of the paralegals I work with at my internship said that because of me they have had the most bankruptcy case referrals, which is awesome! She also said the referral paralegal is leaving in the fall to attend law school if I would be interesting in applying for his position. YES! She said over two hundred people applied last time but she would put a good word in for me with the higher ups.

My whole point of becoming a paralegal was to help people, in whatever form I could. This organization does that and more and I could totally seeing myself working there. I'll continue volunteering and see what happens when the position finally opens up.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Another weekend gone. I took a three hour nap today because apparently I don't like to sleep on the weekends.

Friday we went to Providence to celebrate Renee's birthday. We went to Julians, again. I liked their breakfast better but their dinner wasn't too shabby. We went bowling after, and I almost beat all 6 people but I choked on the 8th string. OF COURSE.

Brit and I also had some photo fun in my car before we went out. I need to start taking way more pictures of life. I've been slacking.

Saturday we woke up and got breakfast at Whole Foods. Went shopping, watched movies, napped and then went to AS220 for the Ruiner show. I don't care how cliche or cheesy it is, but this band has really made these past three months bearable. The drummer (whom I didn't know was the drummer because I have no idea who's who in bands) started talking to Brit and I before they went on. We talked a little bit about there experience in China and then I just told him about the past three months and how they are what's gotten me through. He said that's the first time a girl has said that to him, usually it's dudes, hahah. Something about reading their lyrics and realizing that you are not the only miserable person on the planet makes it better. They put on a good show. Not a lot of people were as into them so I actually got to stand pretty close and sing my little heart out.

Today I came back to Boston and took a nice walk to Symphony to grab some sushi at Whole Foods. Lazy day. Matt and I have been texting more and plan to hang out on Wednesday. That should be interesting.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Still haven’t hung out with Matt yet as ‘just friends’. We were both busy last week and this week is proving to be the same. We have texted some but not a whole lot. He did text me yesterday that driving to Newport is not the same without me. I replied that life isn’t the same and he agreed. I’m getting a gut feeling that us hanging out with him continuing to text me that he would eventually like things to work out between us. I could just be pulling that out of left field.

Nicole asked what I thought about the idea of us getting back together. Deep down I’m still in love with him and still care greatly for him. The love I feel for him now is not the same as when we were together and again, I’m not going in to this expecting us to date again. We both made mistakes, nobodys perfect. I do think there is a potential for both of us to change what needed to be fixed and work through it.

I’m really not letting these thoughts consume me though, I’m learning to just let things happen.

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a paralegal. It’s a huge relief knowing that’s out of the way but my associates degree still looms so I’m not entirely out of the woods yet. I did re-write my resume and have started sending it out so let’s hope there is some interest.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

I might be making a huge mistake doing this but I'm going to start hanging out with Matt as friends.

After not responding to his texts this weekend I had these overwhelming thoughts of never talking to him again. I couldn't sleep, it was all I thought about.

He lives in Allston now (close) and I told him I'm tired of talking about what happened, we both know how each other feels and I just want to move on. I'm not expecting us to ever get back together and wouldn't right now but I still miss having him as a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like I try and over-analyze everything and I just need to let life happen.

Monday, May 03, 2010

I've been in a funk the past few days but I think I'm getting out of it. I've been missing him like crazy and the thought of never talking to him again has been getting me down. This love bullshit is so ridiculous.

I've also been a little bummed about Justin which is just me being a girl. He is now in another relationship and for one I feel like I'm never going to see him again because he's spending all his time with her, two it was so damn fast and i don't want to see him get hurt right before he deploys. I know we all make choices when it comes to love and some of them are not the smartest. I just hope for him that it works out and I still get to see my friend.

Things I need to focus on right now:
-Writing a new resume
-Getting an actual job
-Saving for Texas and Spain

photo from

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Today is grumpy day. I don't know why, probably because on days like today I really miss having someone to do something with. Everyone else is out with their significant others and I'm sweating inside my apartment. He texted me again this weekend and I ignored it. It was extremely hard. :(

I went to see Comeback Kid/Title Fight/Set Your Goals/Make Do and Mend/Soul Control yesterday. Another amazing show. I've never seen a crowd response quite like that. I told the boys I was with that if Set Your Goals played To Be Continued for their last song I would go in and sing. They played it, we all went in. I'm feeling it today...I'm so old.