Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Eep, that last post was such a bummer. It's normal in life to get down and feel like nothing is ever going to go right or things will never change. I have so many good things going on in my life though, and those are the things I need to focus on. I made up some goals that I want to put my energy into, whenever I feel like life is just getting too out of control, I just need to be reminded what I'm reaching for.

-Get my paralegal certificate...assuming nothing drastic happens I will achieve this in May. I was also under the impression that my current nanny job was ending in May but my boss let me know last week that that will not be happening. She said there family can't live without me. That gives me a big relief knowing that I have some time to find a paralegal job or continue on my way to getting my associates.

-Land a paying job in the paralegal field...once I get my certificate I will start looking.

-Learn to knit...I wanted to start last year but really had no time. I have no time right now but maybe during the summer somebody will teach me.

-Take another vacation...this is what keeps me going during the year, knowing that I have tickets booked to a different place. A place to explore new cultures, food, atmospheres, everything. Matt and I have been talking about going to San Francisco during the end of the summer. We want to take A and have also been talking with my family about possibly meeting them down there. San Francisco is one of my favorite cities besides Boston and I know it will be hard to pull Matt and I away from it.

That's it for now. I'm sure I have more, but I don't want to overwhelm myself ;).

Monday, January 11, 2010

Matt and I headed to Vegas last week. What a way to start the New Year. It was nice to get away with Matt away from life, but unfortunately, now we are back and life just dumps more on you.

School starts next week, I have classes everyday along with work 4 days a week and a potential internship one day a week. I'm already feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Throughout the day all that I think about is everything I need to get done and how busy I've made myself. I really have no other choice though. I've told myself I would also be able to financially support myself with whatever comes my way and becoming a paralegal is doing that. Would it be easier to give up? Yes. Do I want to give up? Sometimes. It's just so daunting thinking about the future. Will I get a job in May....I really really hope so.

My car is still broken. I googled the problem today and apparently other Jetta owners have also been experiencing the same thing. They mentioned it could be the brake light switch and come to find out, that was recalled. I have an appointment Thursday and if it doesn't get fixed Thursday I think I might actually strangle somebody. My windshield washer fluid also decided that it doesn't want to come out. It's not blocked, there is plenty of washer fluid in it, it just doesn't spray high enough up. Almost like a hose is disconnected or somethingt, which the people at Midas have also told me. I told Heather today I was having problems with it and she piped in that she put more fluid in it. THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM. You can put as much damn fluid as you want in there, it just pours out of the bottom of the car. She also told me she figured out the parking release issue. Who knew she was a mechanic? She said she found a way to get around it, I don't want a way to get around it. I want the issue fixed. I'm so done with her. Really.

Breathe Breathe Breath.