Friday, April 30, 2010

I no longer have another human in my bed. Yay! My bed crasher is gone and it feels nice. I don't know if I'll ever meet another person who is like Greg. The kid is fascinating and has provided me with a good amount of entertainment over the last month but he also drove me up the wall so I'm not sad he's gone. He's was going to live with us permanently but apparently he has moved on to sharing another room with someone else.

I had my 'hang-out' last night with Brian. I asked him out so I don't know if it was considered a date? We had a lot of fun, mostly talking about Greg, haha. He seems like a good kid so more hangouts will probably be in order.

This week has crawled by. School is coming to an end and I'm burning out. I'm actually skipping class today to work on homework which I should probably go do so I get it done.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Deleted his number.

Have a date this week.

Moving on.
I don't even know how to sum up this weekend. There was lot's of dancing. There was some alcohol. There was vegan breakfast with friends. There was random adventures. There was new friends that were met. There were tears.

One of my adventures was hanging out with these dudes

I was sitting at Justin's house and he was talking with his friend Emily. He said he was sad because he wasn't able to go to a show with her and she didn't want to go by herself, so I told him I would go if she wanted, I had nothing else going on. Come to find out, she is dating the singer from Four Year Strong. I'm not one to fall over 'celebrities' so them being a big band didn't really do anything for me but it was interesting to see the event from a backstage perspective.

Then more texts from Matt which just resulted in more tears. I just need to stop responding.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Woke up this morning to two texts from Matt.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Right now I was supposed to be in a car, driving with the windows down through smelly Jersey on my way to Delaware. Needless to say, I'm sitting in my apartment looking out at the rain clouds.

I took my car in to the dealership on Tuesday because the check engine light was on. They charged me $95 to look at the damn thing and then told me my car needed $2000 worth of work. I was grumpy. Being that I have very limited funds right now I decided it was in my best interest not to go to Delaware this weekend. One being money and two being that I didn't want my car to explode. My car is now sitting in a different shop, hoping for a different outcome of how much it will cost to fix it.

I also went vegan this week. Dun dun dun. I've been thinking of making the switch for awhile, and finally decided it's what I want to do. I don't have any interest in converting anybody, I don't care what other people eat, I made this decision for myself. My roommate decided he wanted to start in on me but quickly changed his tune when the other people he talked to pretty much agreed with me. I loved every minute of it, I'm not going to lie.

Monday, April 19, 2010

My weekends need to stop being so fun because I'm running out of the funds to keep them going. Friday night Brit, Renee, and I decided to go to Hell and dance. We walked in to Big D and the Kids Table playing which was a nice surprise. After they were done we got to dancing. We danced by ourselves and with this group of guys during the night. One of them turned out to be pretty cool and just so happens to know Greg. I told him we should go grab beers sometime.

Saturday the three of us drove to Worcester. The whole ride there we listened to these boys

They make me extremely happy. Saturday night we went to another show. That was a lot of fun as well. Ran into a guy I went out on a date with last summer. We chatted for a few and it wasn't entirely awkward. Tried to go to Hell again that night but couldn't get in because one of the kids we were with was wearing shorts. We just went back to Brit's, hung out and then I came home and crashed. I'm only working today this week and then I'm driving to Delaware this weekend to see my friend. Yay!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Matt texted me yesterday, asking if I had heard from Kevin about the shirts. I told him that I asked someone else to do it and he went off the deep end. Saying I apparently want him to suffer and how could I do this to him, I don't want to get back together.......and then he said since I'm doing so well he's going to fuck off and die. Nice, right? I thought I kept myself collected during the exchange. I laughed during some parts because it was so dramatic but it also makes me sad. Something is obviously not going well in his life and maybe he just needs to take his frustration out on me. He sent me another text this morning about listening to H20's song "Unconditional". I didn't end up listening to it but I read the lyrics, and then started to shed some tears in class. I hate it.

Needless to say Ruiner was on repeat again all day. Thought I was ready to move on to happier music but he just keeps digging the knife in.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's getting easier and easier. I'm kind of restless in life right now though. I feel like I need a change. Whether that be apartments or city, I don't know. I don't want him to be the reason I move but I might just need to get away from Boston for a year or so. Or I might not leave at all.

Picture from

Monday, April 12, 2010

I should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as just sending an email.

After I sent the email I texted my friend that I just wrote Matt a good-bye email and I was tired. :( Because my brain was mush and I was in Matt mode I ended up sending him that text. Ooof. I told him that was meant for a friend, sorry. He said wow, be sure to get me that artwork and have fun with your new boyfriend.

And that's when I flipped my shit. I replied, "you need to stop thinking about yourself for once. You left me with no other option but to say goodbye. You left me hanging. This is all on you. Greg is not nor will he ever be my boyfriend. This isn't about that. This is about you treating me like an asshole. Don't tell me to get you the artwork. I'm doing YOU a favor but fuck that. I'll tell Kevin he should have someone else do it. I was being nice but fuck you Matt."

He said sorry, I'm just sad. I told him I've been sad for two months and he hasn't given two shits....and that was the end of the conversation. Do I feel like I have closure? I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm glad I've finally had a say in this. I've been keeping my mouth shut way too much and I needed to let it out. Will I be contacting him again? No. Will he try and contact me? I have no idea. And if he does I have no idea what I will do. I say I'm done with him but I will always care about him, he was my first love.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I sent Matt an e-mail just now. I needed to say good-bye.


I probably shouldn't be writing this e-mail but I need too. I need to share what's on my mind and be done with it.

For some reason I thought going to your apartment last Thursday would be a good idea. I would either get closure on this whole deal or you would have magically decided that you made a huge mistake and wanted me back in your life. Obviously neither of those things happened.

You keep saying that you want to be with me but you can't right now. I don't understand this logic. Either you 100 percent want to be with me and no matter what the circumstances are, will be with me, or you don't. It's unfair to me to be in this position of uncertainty.

This is has been the hardest thing I have gone through. You have hurt me more than I can describe, and yet, I will always care about you. After leaving your apartment Thursday I was numb. As a person who didn't do anything wrong, getting treated like I was a pile of shit was hard to swallow. If one day you wake up and think that you want to be with me and make it work then let me know. I'm not waiting anymore though, I need to move on with my life. I can't just be friends with you, as much as that kills me. It is either all or nothing, so if it never gets back to that point then I can't talk to you.

This is me saying good-bye Matt. The time I spent with you and the boy will never be forgotten. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whatever that may be.


Friday, April 09, 2010

I've been thinking about Matt a lot this week. I don't necessarily know why, because apparently I love to make myself feel like a bag of shit.

I ended up texting Matt yesterday and went to his house for dinner. I don't even want to talk about what was said because it was the same old shit he's been saying forever. Wants to be with but can't. I'm so fucking tired of hearing it.

He learned that Greg was sharing a room with me and turned into a total dickbag. He said if there was even a glimmer of us getting back together it's now ruined by him. Excuse me? You and I are not dating therefore you really have no say what I'm doing. ALSO, as much as I had a crush on Greg things are just not going to go down that road which I'm perfectly fine with. Us sleeping in the same bed does not equal we have sex. I left his apartment, stormed out. I have done nothing wrong yet I still can't let go of the douchebag.

I'm tired. I was doing so well but I've never felt like I've gotten closure. I still don't feel like I have closure.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

What I want to do this summer (in no particular order)

-Whitewater rafting
-Weekend trip to NYC
-A camping trip
-Whale watching
-Maine/Acadia National Park
-Red Sox Game

All photos from

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Lot's to catch up on!

Greg came up on Wednesday (Thursday?) night to hang out and chat more about him crashing here. We went and grabbed dinner and it was decided that he was going to move in. We came back, watched Lost for a bit and then when I was getting tired we cuddled. While cuddling he told me to turn around to hug him, which I did, and then he kissed me. We kissed for a bit more and the topic of me liking him came up. He said he thought I was attractive and liked me too but didn't want to be in a relationship right now and would be a shitty boyfriend. At that point I kind of said meh in my head. I'm not going to put anymore effort into it if that's how he feels. Been there/done that. Doesn't mean I still won't cuddling, that never killed anybody. He met Heather that night and instantly started me asking all kinds of questions about her and why I'm skeptical of her now. He seemed very intrigued by her and being a dude I'm sure he wants to get to know her better to make me jealous, but it won't, I just might think he's an idiot.

Friday we went to the Celtics game. We sat in the nosebleeds, drank a way overpriced beer and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Came home and crashed.

Saturday I helped him move stuff from his apartment in Providence to a storage unit down the street. We stopped at Brit's apartment after and drove around for a good three hours singing terribly out of tune and way too loud. I love days like that. Came back to Boston and rode with Greg to Cambridge to get some ice cream. Once we got back to the apartment again, Heather invited us back out for another bike ride. I declined, just because I don't enjoy the company she rides with, but told Greg to go for it. He asked if I would be made if I went. I told him of course not, and I'm really not. I think it's great for him to go out and meet new people in Boston. Just because I have a not so great opinion about these people doesn't mean I'm going to be angry if he hangs out with them. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

I went out with Jasmine and Chad, some people I met when I was tanked with Justin on St. Patty's Day. We had a few drinks at the Model. It's always nice to get out and meet new people, dance a little bit and tell entirely too much information about yourself in one night. Chad wants to take me on a Q'doba date and while I don't necessarily see myself dating him, I would be stupid to pass up a quesadilla.

Today was spent on the Cape and at a beach. I don't think of a better way to spend Easter. I went with Justin, we flew a kite, dipped my toes in the freezing ocean, walked along the beach and talked about boys, girls and how we are all stupid.

Drinking a corona and getting ready for the upcoming week. Lot's of hangouts with friends, a tattoo appointment and a girls night. It should be fun :)