Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

4 comments:

  1. a couple things i want to say : ) because you are my friend. and i care so much about you! i, for one, believe that counseling is a great thing- it has been SO helpful to me. it's a really really good thing (if you find a good one, that you are comfortable with). the 2nd thing i wanted to say is that i personally would feel weird about another woman moving in w/ my man. regardless of "never being attracted to her", it just doesn't sound very good. you are NOT weird for thinking there's something wrong with that. even if he has "every good intention", that's a set up for disaster. i'm not recommending you "lose him" -if you love him, and want this relationship to work, seeking help from a counselor is a great thing. those are my opinions - thought i'd share w/ you...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I struggle with the same insecurities. Im starting to realize that I need to set up my own rules for these sorts of situations. It is not ok with me for my man to live with another woman. You have to decide for yourself, are you ok with it or not? If you arent, then it is your responsibility to bring it up in a healthy way with your boyfriend. If it means the end of your relationship, then it would have ended eventually anyway. Just one girls experience.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i can relate to your insecurities. trust is such a big thing for me and yes, i have been hurt in the past. but i also realised that i cannot let this insecurity take control of my life because in a way, it was. and that is not how we should live our lives.

    as for your relationship issue, communication is everything. to be honest, i would have felt the exact same way as you would. in fact, i felt your pain as i was reading your blog. so my advise is for you to talk to matt, and tell him how it makes you feel. i mean, i am sure there are other ways he can help darcy too.

    all the best and i wish you well

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Trust your gut instinct.

    ReplyDelete