Monday, January 30, 2012

I woke up at 6:30 today to my alarm going off like I do every day. I look at my phone and see that I have a voicemail, presumably from my Mom since I missed her call.

I groggily listen to the voicemail but instantly wake up when I can tell she's been crying. She tells me through tears that I need to call my sister as soon as possible. My mind starts racing about possible things that may have happened. Did she get hurt? Did one of the girls get hurt? Did her fiance leave?

I call my sister but no answer. I take Emma out to go to the bathroom, come back inside to a text that says she'll call me in a few, she's just getting the girls to bed. I do the math in my head, it's almost 2 am there, something is wrong. But she's texting and it seems that both girls are at least still here. I sigh a little thinking that it must not be too bad but just a bump in the road.

I was wrong.

She called me back and I ask her what's wrong. She answers but I don't understand what she's saying. I ask her to repeat that, and I hear, "Ken passed away."

It takes a minute to sink in. My sister's seemingly healthy, under 30 fiance, died. WHAT?! I don't get it. I sit there for a few minutes just stunned, shocked. I stay on the phone and just let her talk. I can hear my niece in the background saying she's scared. She was there when he wouldn't wake up from his nap. She was there when the ambulance was called and the EMT's tried CPR. She saw all of this. And now she lost him.

I text Matt and e-mail my boss that I'm going to be a little late coming in and explained the circumstances. I get myself out the door and onto the train. Tears start coming but I try to hide them. I get my kindle out and start reading. I flip the pages but I'm not absorbing the words, I'm just in my own thoughts.

I grab a coffee and something to eat although my body has no interest in doing either of those things. I can't get this out of my head. He's gone. This shouldn't be happening. I take the elevator up to work and feel a heaviness. I don't want to go in there. I walk in and nothing is said.

Instead of asking me if I'm okay, he wants to talk about going to the zoo this weekend. Really? My sister just lost her fucking fiance and you want to talk about the ZOO? Work is piling up on my desk yet I'm in a fog. The hurt is so fresh. My heart breaks for my sister and for her kids, for his family as well.

I may head home at lunch. I don't know if I can handle being here.


  1. : ( i am horribly sad for them all. for YOU all. that is such horrible heartache everyone. i hate thinking about how she & the girls had to experience this trauma...makes me cry. i'll send you a message soon. love you.

  2. I am so, so sorry. For your sister, for all the family involved, especially for the little girls. We had a really similar situation two years ago in my family with the kids present and I know how much of a nightmare that is. Geez, I'm sorry is so not enough. At very least know that I'm thinking of all of you guys so much, in the least scary weirdo you don't know from the internet sort of way.

  3. I am so, so sorry! Sudden deaths hit you like a rocket in the stomach. You feel sick and like your spinning out of control.
    Sending positive vibes to you, your sister, and his family. I wish I could say something more comforting but I know that everything sucks right now but time will sadly ease things.