Today has been tough. Got to work and got slammed with running out again to get my boss Starbucks, a sick baby, having to deal with a playdate and know a baby won't sleep. Plus I'm seeing Matt tomorrow. I have money to give him from some screenprint jobs he is doing for me.

I just want to talk to him so bad. To see if we could start over, do things different. I realized this week that doing so much for him actually pushed him away, wish he would have told me that sooner because I would have stopped. I also think we spent too much time together. The only time I had to myself was when I was doing homework. I should have continued going out with friends on Friday night or doing something for myself Saturday. I want to talk but I'm afraid he's already done, and in other ways I just wish I could be done.

Matt called me last night to tell me the news he had found out about his taxes. While I was happy he called, it also stung a little bit. He sounded happy, like nothing was wrong, while my heart just sank. I texted him later that night saying while I want to support him in any way I can, I also need to think of myself. I asked him if he thought there would be a future for us because if not, I needed to take some time and not be communicating with him. He said he wouldn't be opposed to that and space really can heal pain. He also said he doesn't know what the future holds unfortunately. So for now, for my feelings and for me to really move on I can't talk to him.

Who does know what the future holds but it isn't fair to me to be communicating with him holding on to that one thought that maybe we would get back together someday. This relationship is over. I need to accept that, as much as it hurts, and move on. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get back to normal and I'll probably still have moments where it just hurts but that's okay.

I miss him, intensely. I just want to call him to hear his voice or see him and get a hug. I've never felt this way before and I never want to feel this way again. My chest hurts, sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want to go to sleep and wake up 2 months from now.

I can't sleep, tonight was rough. I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted but my brain won't shut off. The talk with Matt was hard but it was needed, I actually feel a tiny bit better.

When I first got there I handed him the bag of clothes and toys I had been getting A for Valentine's Day. I can't think about him without crying, so I don't. We then hugged and cried, it was so nice hugging him again.

He isn't happy with himself, or the way he is acting right now. He feels like he has put to much pressure on my to do things..i.e. take A to his Mom's house on Sunday. I've never really told him before but I like that time with A. When it's just us two in my car, telling ridiculous knock knock jokes to each other until we are both laughing so hard or playing I-Spy (even though I've explained to him 100 times it's so hard to play I-Spy in a car going 70 mph :p). He wants to get back to being as self reliant as he was before he met me and I can understand that.

He said this wasn't the end. He just needs some time to get better himself so he can be the boyfriend he wants to be. That doesn't mean I'm getting my hopes up that we will ever get back together. I'm going to take it one day at a time, I'll be there for him when he needs me while he will do the same. If things progress and we want to give it another shot then we will. If not, I hope we can be friends. To make things not as confusing for A, I'm just going to not be around for a few weeks and then we will all go to dinner or something. That way he knows I'm still here and I love him.

Going out dancing tonight, hoping it gets my mind off of things...I know it will. If nothing else Nicole and I can sit at the bar at people watch.

So this is what it feels like to get broken up with. 3 days before Valentine's day, when everything around me is all about love, hearts, kisses and bullshit. He was honestly my first love and now here I am. I got involved with someone who had a 3 year old, I opened myself up for the both of them. Loved them until it hurt, and now I've lost both in the same day.

I set my alarm extra early this morning so I could text him something cute before he went into work. At the exact same moment I sent my text, I got one from him. Pretty much said we need to talk, I've been thinking. I called him, I was going to wait until tonight to talk but I knew what was coming. I didn't want to have that pukey feeling all day, I'd rather know. He just said he's not happy, with himself. I'm doing everything right but he needs to work on himself before he is in a relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but it still doesn't make it easier. He said he still loves me, and I obviously still love him. Feelings just don't go away in a day. I'm meeting him tonight so we can talk in person and then life goes on.

Guess I spoke to soon about everything being okay with Matt.

We were texting back and forth yesterday morning after our normal wake up texts. I told him, just to let you know, Nicole and I are planning on going dancing Friday. Now normally when I tell him I'm going to do something with the girls he says, great, have fun! This time he just wrote back okay. This is also the first week that he has Friday and Saturday off so I texted him asking if he had any plans for us. He said nope. At that point I started to feel bad so I asked if he minded if I went.I should have just dropped it, but my feelings took over. He responded with I don't mind if you go. Do what you want. Was probably just going to sit home anyways.

This is when I thought, hmm...he doesn't want me to go. I over-analyzing everything, so I said I can go another weekend, I know you have Friday off. And then he blew up. Omg Heather! Just go!! I'm not a baby! I can handle being alone!!! That pretty much ended our conversation for the day. I was just trying to take his feelings into account, I know he can handle being alone but again, this was the first Friday and Saturday he's had off. I left it alone but texted him a few hours later saying that I was meeting with the Dean of my college tomorrow to talk about one of my Professors, and nothing. Not even an I hope it goes well.

I went to dinner last night with Kate and throughout dinner we were talking about it and I got my hopes up that he was going to call or text. 2 hours we sat there and still nothing. Came home, started painting that damn desk again, maybe he'll text me goodnight. Nope. Once again, going to bed with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't texted him since and don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me.

I don't know if he's going through something and just doesn't want to share. It's now day three of not really talking and it's all I think about. I've been crying all day, yesterday, last night, at the restaurant. I do so much for him and the boy. I love him more than I have loved anybody else in my life excluding my family. I'm just feeling very un-appreciated and un-wanted right now and I can't live like that. I realize people get depressed and in funks but you can't just not talk to your girlfriend for three days, because now I think it's all my fault when I really didn't do anything wrong. I need a little text during the day saying, hey hope your day is going well! or miss you! Something that lets me know that he actually is thinking about me. Eventually when I do talk to him I'm going to lay it out and if things don't change then I need to re-evaluate if this is the right thing for me.

So now the waiting begins, I'm not getting my hopes up for talking to him today.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on here is bitch. I feel like that is what a blog is good for though, bitching on it when I really don't want to bitch at other people. Getting my feelings out when I can't talk.

I know I pretty much only talk bad about Matt on here but he obviously is awesome or else I still wouldn't be with him. I just feel like we got thrown into this crazy relationship and have to work through it more so than other relationships. It's not easy going from being single to being a girlfriend and a 'step-mom'. That little boy puts this relationship into it's own category and while we don't ever fight about him, we always have to think about what we are doing and how it will affect him.

I talked with him yesterday and I was right, he just needed space. I didn't really feel like I was smothering him considering I had only seen him for Friday night and Saturday morning, but that's his deal. His work has been stressful lately, he's worried about money and his car is giving him problems. Add me in the that equation and I think he just shut down. So stepping back for awhile, not going to text as much or stay over. The texting is hard though because when I'm at work I have nothing else to do but just think and text. Maybe I need to start leaving my phone in the car or something, and switching gears.

Found this website today and the drawings are cracking me up. These are from Married to the Sea.

Sitting here typing as I'm waiting for paint to dry on my desk, got a itch to paint it today. $37 later (!!!)....the cats are also helping me, so I'm sure my bright green desk with have black cat hairs speckled throughout. Oh well.

The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm getting into somewhat of a routine with working 4 days a week and school 5 days a week. Still meeting with the criminal defense attorney, drafted up a few letters for him. Hopefully this Friday I will be meeting with an organization here in Boston, I think it might become a weekly thing and I'm very very excited for the opportunity.

Matt and I are doing okay. I'm starting to realize maybe I am spending and dedicating to much time to him. It's so hard because I love spending time with him and the boy but I also need to focus on me and what I need to do. His apartment has heat and cable which is so very tempting during these winter months. Today he told me that me being there without him makes him feel anxious and that he needs to rush home. I tried explaining to him that I really don't mind when he's not there and I've never told him he needed to rush home and see me. I don't mind being there without him. I understand he needs to do things, but he still feels anxious so I'm going to back off a bit. Hence why I'm painting today.

I did get tattooed Friday, the sleeve is a few more sittings away from being done. Yay! I think I've been working on it for 3 years now, I'm ready for it to be DONE. Already have my plans for the next sleeve and my ribs and feet, if only I was a millionaire.

(Thanks for the feedback on the last post. I don't know who you guys are but I do appreciate it, especially from an outsiders perspective, so thanks!)

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

Eep, that last post was such a bummer. It's normal in life to get down and feel like nothing is ever going to go right or things will never change. I have so many good things going on in my life though, and those are the things I need to focus on. I made up some goals that I want to put my energy into, whenever I feel like life is just getting too out of control, I just need to be reminded what I'm reaching for.

-Get my paralegal certificate...assuming nothing drastic happens I will achieve this in May. I was also under the impression that my current nanny job was ending in May but my boss let me know last week that that will not be happening. She said there family can't live without me. That gives me a big relief knowing that I have some time to find a paralegal job or continue on my way to getting my associates.

-Land a paying job in the paralegal field...once I get my certificate I will start looking.

-Learn to knit...I wanted to start last year but really had no time. I have no time right now but maybe during the summer somebody will teach me.

-Take another vacation...this is what keeps me going during the year, knowing that I have tickets booked to a different place. A place to explore new cultures, food, atmospheres, everything. Matt and I have been talking about going to San Francisco during the end of the summer. We want to take A and have also been talking with my family about possibly meeting them down there. San Francisco is one of my favorite cities besides Boston and I know it will be hard to pull Matt and I away from it.

That's it for now. I'm sure I have more, but I don't want to overwhelm myself ;).

Matt and I headed to Vegas last week. What a way to start the New Year. It was nice to get away with Matt away from life, but unfortunately, now we are back and life just dumps more on you.

School starts next week, I have classes everyday along with work 4 days a week and a potential internship one day a week. I'm already feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Throughout the day all that I think about is everything I need to get done and how busy I've made myself. I really have no other choice though. I've told myself I would also be able to financially support myself with whatever comes my way and becoming a paralegal is doing that. Would it be easier to give up? Yes. Do I want to give up? Sometimes. It's just so daunting thinking about the future. Will I get a job in May....I really really hope so.

My car is still broken. I googled the problem today and apparently other Jetta owners have also been experiencing the same thing. They mentioned it could be the brake light switch and come to find out, that was recalled. I have an appointment Thursday and if it doesn't get fixed Thursday I think I might actually strangle somebody. My windshield washer fluid also decided that it doesn't want to come out. It's not blocked, there is plenty of washer fluid in it, it just doesn't spray high enough up. Almost like a hose is disconnected or somethingt, which the people at Midas have also told me. I told Heather today I was having problems with it and she piped in that she put more fluid in it. THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM. You can put as much damn fluid as you want in there, it just pours out of the bottom of the car. She also told me she figured out the parking release issue. Who knew she was a mechanic? She said she found a way to get around it, I don't want a way to get around it. I want the issue fixed. I'm so done with her. Really.

Breathe Breathe Breath.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. REALLLLYYYY. Time can stop now, thank you.

(picture from www.weheartit.com....loving this site!)

Christmas is over. It's amazing how fast it goes, the anticipation building up for the months before and then -bam- it's over.


Matt and I talked things out, he agreed to be more sensitive of my feelings and I agreed to try not to be so crazy. Haha. He told me a story of another new girl that is going to be working with him at the new store who is boy crazy. Apparently she has gotten pretty close to crossing the friend zone line and he had a talk with her about it. He told her that their relationship is going to be purely work based and it wouldn't go beyond that. Makes me feel good that he shared that with me and actually put up those boundaries.

Back to Christmas. Christmas Eve we made cookies with Adrian and set them out for Santa and then Matt and I exchanged our gifts with each other. I knew Matt was strapped for cash so I didn't expect much and that didn't bother me. He did get me a few things but the card he got for me did me in. Wasn't the card per say-but what he wrote inside. It said:
Heather, I just wanna say thanks. Thanks for buying me dinner and things I don't need. Thanks for taking care of A. Thanks for being vegetarian. Thanks for sometimes being the big spoon. Thanks for putting up with my shit...even if you don't have family here, you can be happy with me! So smile, I love you! Merry Freakin' Christmas!

And then I cried and melted into a big pile of goo. We went to his parents house for Christmas day, got Grasshopper that night and just hung out.

I took my last final last night and school is over until January. That is one stress off of my plate.

These last few days have torn me up and it's really hard for me to get excited about Christmas this year. I'm not spending it with my family , along with all of the stress leading up to it just makes me want to sleep until it's over. I really hate feeling this way and tried so hard to get into the spirit. Also knowing that my relationship is on the rocks hurts. We texted a bit last night and I'm going to have the chance to talk to him tonight and I know things will get better. We both have a ton on our plate right now and have gotten thrown into this whirl-wind relationship pretty fast.

I don't know what's next in my life. I wanted 2009 to be an amazing year, and it was but it was also filled with a lot of tears. I'm kind of glad 2010 is right around the corner, a fresh start, time to breath and get ready for even more insanity that lies ahead.

I've decided to start back up on birth control again, as much as I hate to do it. It really levels my hormones out and I'm sick of being all over the place. This past month I've felt like I've been pmsing non-stop. I know guys don't understand it and it's hard to explain how you go from wanting to rip someones head off, to crying, to perfectly happy all in the span of 5 minutes. I also need to start getting over my trust issues, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that. I fear that he will leave me, I fear that everyone will leave me, which after both of your 'fathers' don't want anything to do with you it's pretty hard not to have that fear. All the experts say I need to forgive them so I can move on, but I'll never forgive them. I try to forget and pretend that everything is fine in my life but there will always be that hole.

::sigh::

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn difficult. Matt and I were great and one thing is ruining it, another girl.

He went on an interview at this girls store about 2 months ago. She thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, talked him up to people above them and continues to talk to him. Mind you, he was also told that this girl had a reputation of being a whore. She's the one who invited him to her Thanksgiving party for friends, she's the one who texted him asking for a picture to show her friends 'his stretched ears', she's the one who invited us over for a holiday party and then proceeded to kiss him on the cheek when we left. GUESS WHAT? I don't trust the bitch. She's married and investing way to much time in my boyfriend, something is not right and I've had this gut feeling something is not right since the beginning. I haven't been able to eat, Matt and I got in a huge fight and he pretty much told me that if I don't accept him being friends with these people than I should break up with him.

In my heart I know I'm not the girl that cares if he has 'girl' friends. He has other girl friends that I don't care if he talks with or hangs out with, but this one...something about her. I've had this happen personally in my life twice, and it ended badly both times. Also, one of the women was married so her being married has no bearing on what she is capable of.

I have finals today, I'm a wreck, I don't know what to do. I want to be able to not think about it and just let them be friends. Nikki gave me some good advice to just ride it out and see what happens but I'm afraid. The girl he's going to be working with all the time also texts him and calls him but I don't get any 'I want him' vibes from her.

I love him so much and to think that he would throw this away to be friends with her also eats me up. I don't know if he was just saying that because he was pissed anyways, I don't know.

Still haven't seen Matt and it is absolutely killing me. I know that's pathetic and I never really understood people who missed their significant others while they were gone but I GET IT now.

We had a lovely phone 'discussion' and then I clarified tonight some things I had been feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn't planning things with work as a way to distance himself from me. He was taken aback by this and told me in no way shape or form was that the case. This week just got to be crazy scheduling wise.

I get to see him tomorrow night if all goes as planned and I can't wait to smother him with kisses.

Got a lot of my Christmas present shopping done today. Bought my nieces some unique fun gifts, wish I could be there when they opened them :(

Last week of school before finals, have another meeting with the lawyer, a doctors appointment and potentially NYC on Saturday. Can't believe this year is almost over and I'm also 23. Eek!

In order to not say really mean things to a certain person I love, I'm going to vent here. Cute boy and I have been getting along swimmingly. Things were good, busy, hectic, but good. I try my hardest to spend quality time with him and admittedly it was usually at least 5 nights a week.

This week I've seen him once, and that was at 11 o'clock at night, right before I had to go to bed.

I'm frustrated, pmsing, hurt and angry.

On Sunday night we talked about going over to Nicoles house for a vegan potluck for Snak. We had these plans for about 3 weeks. Matt gets an e-mail shortly after from one of his co-workers (at another store-whom I think has a crush on him) that she is having an after Thanksgiving party. Higher ups were going to be there so he felt that it was important for him to go. Fine, go.

Monday he worked in Brighton, literally 10 minutes from my house. He was supposed to get off of work at 10, called me at 10:45 saying he was just leaving. Guess he had to tie up some loose ends.

Tuesday...I had a date night with Heather scheduled so I didn't see him. He had a man-date with his friend.

Wednesday I felt like I got hit by a bus because of my cold. I had been texting Matt throughout the day and agreed to go to his house at 8, when he would be getting home from work. He called me later saying that he agreed to drive something up to the Medford store from Providence. That means he drives literally 5 minutes from my apartment. I texted him and asked him if he would come snuggle after he was done just for a few and maybe bring me something hot to eat, i.e. soup. He said he didn't know if he had enough money for gas and food. I said forget about it, don't even come if you don't have gas. So he didn't. Secretly I just wished he would of. I know if he was sick I would do everything I could to help him feel better.

Thursday we made plans with John and Nicole to go see the Christmas lights display they have at Stoneham zoo. I thought Adrian would really enjoy it and we would get to hang out, just have fun. He called me in the middle of the day saying someone wanted to switch shifts with him so he would now be opening tomorrow, meaning he has to get up really early so he can't go out. I had to cancel the plans with John and Nicole and not see him for another night.

Friday, today. I'm babysitting until around 9 pm. I asked him if I could come over after because I really want to see him. He said sure but he's probably just going to go to bed. I asked him so when I come over you are just going to go to bed. He said yeah. At this point my head exploded. That's what you say to me?!?!? Couldn't you have just pretended you were really excited to see me and couldn't wait?!?!!? So fuck that, I think I'm going to go drink wine with Nicole.

Won't see him Saturday because I'm busy all day and babysitting tomorrow night. Sunday he has work and then needs to screenprint. I said maybe I'll come 'help' you screenprint and he said no because his friend Tom is coming over to see how it's done. Well fuck me. You tell me when you want to hang out next becomes I'm spent.

Again...still pmsing. Also found out today that I might have a cyst which I'm not too worried about but it would be nice to see my boyfriend. ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH.

I hate playing games but I'm about ready to become an ice queen and too busy to see him next week.

This weekend included the fun filled task of getting the Christmas tree! Growing up picking out the correct tree was also a process. We would hike into the woods and wouldn't leave until the perfect tree was found. While this seems fun, it usually ended in someone being upset and all of us with frozen toes.

This year was different. It was rainy and gross out so we walked into home depot and picked out the first tree was saw. It was already wrapped so we were hoping when we got home that it didn't have any gaping holes. We set it up, put some lights on, threw Batman on top instead of a star and it looks great. Adrian was ecstatic,which is the best part of the whole thing. We did have one mishap though, when Matt and I were tying it to my car we tied it with my doors closed so we tied ourselves out. We had to climb through the windows which was an interesting experience.

2 more crazy weeks and then I'll have a nice little break. This week is busy, next week is busy, then finals and I'm DONE.

Thanksgiving eve. It's still tough being so far away from family for holidays. I'm spending Thanksgiving this year with Matt's family. His two brothers, their wives, his sister, parents and two nieces. I think that's it, who knows who will show up.

I see everybody saying what they are thankful for and it's always family, friends and health. My family means more to me than they will probably ever realize. I know I can count on them for anything. Same goes for my friends. They are my family over here.

I need this break, from school...work...life.

This week has been flying by. Tomorrow is Friday, I'm still not caught up with last weekend.

On Friday Matt had to work and his parents were in Vegas so I offered to hang out with Adrian for the day. We went to the aquarium, rode the subway, bought a 'penguin' to hatch, watched a movie together and sat in traffic. I also lost the key to Matt's apartment in my car somewhere during this time and had a momentary freak out, but maintenance let me in and cut a new key. Kate went with us to the aquarium, had a fun time hanging out.




On Saturday the three of us went up to Rockport to go to Halibut Point State Park. The boys had fun throwing rocks in the quarry and I think I had 479 heart attacks thinking Adrian was going to fall in. We also played on the ocean rocks, Matt got himself soaked when he was standing on one rock and a wave came in. No photo proof because I was laughing my ass off.









Agenda for this weekend: Relax, thrift store shop, Matt's brothers birthday, Relax. We'll see how that goes.

We've only been dating for around 2 months and I can already tell that this relationship is so much different than my last, or any of all those other dates I've been on.

We were laying in bed last night and watching some documentary about truck drivers and he just breaks out into his truck driver accent and starts making out with me. It continued for a good 15 minutes and my sides were hurting from laughing so hard.

Life is going incredibly well right now and I am a lucky lucky girl.

California was fun...it was nice to see that side of the coast again, to watch the sunset over the ocean. I miss that so much. Plus the palm trees, ohhhh, the palm trees. But I also remember why I left, everything looks the same..beige and boring.

'

I had a good time hanging out with Heathers friends. We drove around LA in Trudy, the awesome car, went to the beach, In and Out, had the Halloween party, dug through the Goodwill in downtown, ate the most amazing donuts, and laughed. It was a nice weekend away. Plus the weather.......sigh.


For the Halloween party, I went dressed up as Octo-Mom! It was amazing, if I can say that. Being in a relationship at a party without that person is interesting and not as fun. I stayed and chatted with the other girls in the same situation, yet still managed to get hit on by 'actors'. It was pretty funny and just showed me how image and status are what it's all about in this town.



Then it was time to come home and back to the real world. Also back home to THIS....



That is Dan Aykroyd and I have fallen madly in love with this little lump of fur. He bounces and jumps to greet me when I get home, snuggles in my lap and cuddles with my back. He's just the best!

Sitting close to downtown LA right now, still on Boston time, enjoying some coffee while everyone else is sleeping. Heather and I flew out for the weekend to attend a Halloween party with her friends. Yesterday we went and got breakfast, drove around looking for plastic babies, saw cardboard couches, saw Snak, drove around dead ends and saw amazing skyline scenery, and had wig parties while dancing in the kitchen.

I bought the cutest little instant camera that I have a feeling is going to be draining my bank account. Film for that little sucker is expensive but SO CUTE. Can't wait to scan the pictures.

This weather is making me very sad and just wanting to crawl into bed and not move. There was snow yesterday in Mass..WAY to early. I took a mental health day yesterday, clear my head, get caught up, relax. It was the first time since I've been going to school that I missed a day and I hated it. Heather borrowed my car though and walking to the train in 30 degree weather when I'm getting sick just didn't sound appealing.

Had some insane drama over the weekend. Let's just say when your friend doesn't like your boyfriend, shit will usually hit the fan. I think that drama is over though and hopefully people will actually get to know him before they write him off. Things in that department are good though, couldn't ask for anything more right now.

Wednesday night Kate, Heather and I went and got treated to this.

Dean Mans Bones. Amazing! The album is perfect for fall, spooky yet inspiring. He had a kids choir with him as well and they made the show even better. Boston was their first show ever and seeing Ryan Gosling in person was nicceee.

Working today, tonight Nicole and I are getting our party on and tomorrow will be a nice relaxing day...carving pumpkins with Matt and the boy, baking apple treats and watching movies under blankies. I'm so excited.

October, holy fucking christ. This year can slow down anytime. This is my favorite month and my favorite time of year though so I’m trying to enjoy every single minute of it.

Apply picking with the boys went remarkable well. Matt’s son is adorable and very much a three year old. He was very well behaved until it came to testing out Ikea couches and then he was all over the place. That’s to be expected though. Jumping on couches that do not belong to me is also really tempting.



I brought Matt out to meet John and Nicole this past week, I needed some more opinions besides heathers. It was a quick visit and I think it went well. I’ve never brought a guy out to meet my friends that they didn’t already know so I was a little nervous. We are not official yet, don’t know exactly when or really care when that will be but I’d say we are dating and having a snuggle partner in time for the winter is awesome.

Today is heathers birthday so debauchery I’m sure will be done. We are going to go ride bikes (of course) and bar hop, with a stop off at the other side café to get some vegan chocolate cake. Dora and I are also making her vegan chocolate cupcakes, you can never have too much of that.

Weekend is busy, more apple picking, taking the little boy to his first movie ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) hopefully that is succesfull, more movies with other friends and lots of homework. Joy.

Can't get enough of her album. It's been on repeat for weeks now.


Sitting here procrastinating starting my homework. I have a pumpkin candle burning, iced coffee and Converge on. Ready to get down into some Family Law.

The boy and I are going apple picking tomorrow. Finally going to take some pictures. I feel like I haven't used my camera in forever. I'm also meeting his son. Dun Dun DUN.

I can’t believe fall is already here and it’s the middle of September. This is my favorite season and I hope I can drag it out as long as possible before the dreaded winter hits. School started two weeks ago and I have a feeling it’s going to keep me fairly busy this semester, along with boys. And friends. And work. After the whole fallout with the last boy I decided to join a dating website.



In my whole entire life, I never would have though I would be one to do that but fuck it, I did.
I was running out of boys to date in my circle, school doesn’t have the greatest selection and when I do go out im usually to nervous to talk to them. Anyways- I got quite a few messages from guys interested but none of them really did anything for me. Then about 3 days later this guy messaged me. He had tattoos, plugs, right up my alley. We met last Monday, talked at his apartment for a good 4 hours. He has a son which puts a whole new spin on things but I don’t want to discredit him just for that. Our second date, if you want to call it that, we went bowling, out to the other side café for some vegan food and then sat in a parking lot and talked for over an hour. I’m liking this guy. He’s funny and loud which I need but also very thoughtful and considerate which is something I’m not used to. I’m only thinking about the future ever so slightly, but for now I’m enjoying what is going on in the present. I believe things happen for a reason and maybe those 15 bad dates were getting me ready for this one. And if this one doesn’t work out….I really am becoming a crazy cat lady.

Dating! It is so much fun but so confusing. Things were going especially well with the boy, we spent a week together and it was awesome.

Then my mom came and he went to Vermont for the week. I said something joking to him and the joke went to far and I ended up saying things I did mean, but probably shouldn't have said to him. I was tore up the whole week about it. He came back from Vermont and we saw each other that night to talk about it. We talked it over, I explained myself, he explained what he was thinking and everything was good. I stayed there until 4 in the morning and then drove home. I also stayed over the next night. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday he wouldn't really talk to me. I invited him to come hang out....but he didn't want to. No big deal.

I texted him yesterday (thursday) to see how he was. I asked what he was doing that night and he said staying in because he was heading to Nova Scotia tomorrow with this girl friend of his.

????????

I was fine with that, but it almost seems to me like he is trying to piss me off and make me say crazy shit. We texted some more and I told him to let me know when he wants to hang out again because inviting him on all these hangouts only to be rejected is hurting my ego. I meant this in a totally lighthearted way but realized after I said it that he might take it the wrong way. Just like the last time. And he did, and he told me that I must be riding a ten speed bike with all of this backpeddling I'm doing. At that point I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I refrained.

I gently explained that I don't lie, it was a joke and he could make of it what he wanted. I also asked him if I did something this week that I am unaware of. Haven't heard anything back and at this point I'm so done. Done Done Done.

To celebrate this joyous occasion, Heather and I bought some big beers and headed to Dora's house for some chocolate eating, drinking and bitching about boys. It did the trick. I had a blast.

I'm also done being the pursuer in boys for awhile. They can come after me if they want it.
PHEW.

What a week. Last Saturday was my date and suffice to say it was amazing. The boy is amazing, we click, laugh, and I can't wait to see where it goes. We've hung out a few more times and will spend tomorrow together.

Delaware was fun, I always wish I could stay longer. Micah is getting cuter and cuter and I loved playing with him. That age is so fun. Of course it was nice to see Erika too ;).

Today I am meeting up with Nicole, Nikki and little Lucas. We are going shopping, I am getting tattooed, Nikki is babysitting with me and then hopefully the three of us are going to the club. I hope it happens!

And on Sunday my Mom comes....I'm so excited!

Summer needs to seriously slow down. It's already almost two weeks into August, ahhh!

Germany was amazing. There really are no words to describe how much I love Europe. I'll make a big post about that later.

For now, I've just been riding my bike and going on dates. Judd was back in town last weekend and we went out to see Doomriders. He stayed the night, we kissed and cuddled and then went to Autozone in the morning. My dates are so romantic. I don't know what's going on there.

I also have a date tomorrow with a boy I've never met. Heather set it up but Nicoles knows him as well. I'm excited! He asked if I wanted to help him move a tv to Maine and while there we are going to mini-golf, get some ice cream, play on the beach and look around. I think the house up there is empty and it also has a pool so who knows what will happen. I'm going to play it by 'year'.

I'm ready for school to start though, back to a normal schedule which my brain will enjoy.

I don't know when I got it into my head that whitewater rafting sound fun. I guess I just didn't think it would be that scary, just kind of floating along the river and encountering some little rapids. I was wrong. Heather told us to go to the Penobscot in Maine because all of the other rivers were 'boring'. That should have been our first clue that this trip would be nuts.

Heather had to go and get lyme disease the day before we left so she wasn't able to come with us :( We got to the rafting place bright and early at 7 am. There was this group of dirty old men that were there too and Kate and I kept joking about how we would probably get stuck with them. Out of the 150 people that went rafting that day, we got stuck with them. Ha! Just our luck.



It was actually probably the best thing that could have happened. These 6 guys were there for a bachelor party. They were crude, rude, tattooed and we all had a blast. We had an awesome chick guide named Jamie who fit right in as well.

We dropped in at the dam and were told we would be hitting our first class 5 rapid about 10 seconds downstream. Sink or swim time. I can't really explain what it's like to be paddling down a river, go over some water and look like your falling into a hole of water. It's awesome but scary and gets the adrenaline pumping. I paddled like crazy because there was no fucking way I was falling out of that boat. We hit more class 5 rapids, a waterfall and I didn't fall out once. We even surfed the rapids which was also a blast. I definitely want to go again.

The rest of camping was fun. Kate and I were so dead tired after rafting that we just ate some s'mores, had a beer, did some light painting and headed to bed.



We woke up Sunday, made pancakes and headed to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. That place attracts the trashiest people, it's awesome. I want to go there and just people watch. We ate seafood, had a few beers (shocker) and headed home.



Last night I went on a double date! It was the Stanchis and then Jeremy and I. We wanted to see the Sail Boston boats that came into town but only managed to see one. Right as we got to the pier to see it, it started leaving. Haha. So we went to the Barking Crab for some appetizers and headed over to see Bruno. That movie had me in stitches. Okay, got to get stuff done. 5 more days until Germany.

I've come to realize the past few weeks that I am most certainly a person who needs a schedule. This schedule can and should have moments of spontaneity, but there needs to be somewhat of a routine.

This summer there has been no schedule. Because of that I feel like my life is still spinning out of control. I feel like I'm forgetting to pay bills (I'm not) and get caught up on any sort of project. This week I have been slowly getting caught up on just little shit that has needed to get done. This also means that my summer has been extremely busy which is a good thing. I've been doing a lot of things at night, hanging out with friends and laughing.

This past Saturday was the fourth of July so Kate, Michael and I went to Alysons apartment in East Boston. There are pictures but I think I look like hell in all of them. I'm anxiously awaiting for Kate to put them up. I drank way to much vodka, ate some little hamburger cupcakes, watched the Boston fireworks from the roof deck, listened to impromptu guitar songs and helped clean up a broken smashed back window. It was one of the more memorable fourths I've had in a long time.

This weekend I'm headed up to Maine to camp, roast marshmellows, white water raft (!!!) and have more laughs with friends.

I haven't even started writing this post and I'm getting teary eyed. It's been an emotional day, even more emotional for me I think then when my blood nieces and nephews were born. I think it's just a different relationship with Nicole.

I consider Nicole one of my best friends but more than that. Everything is not always rainbows and butterflies with us which makes us more like sisters. We have been through a lot and at times I've wanted to strangle her, haha. I'm sure she's wanted to do the same. But we get through it and we still continue on. I love her like my sister and seeing her becoming a mom today was wild.

Got the call last night that her water broke and headed to the hospital a few hours later. We were told it was going to be 10 to 20 hours, I didn't believe them and was going to wait it out. At like 2 o'clock in the morning we all decided to head home, get a few hours of sleep and head back. I woke up at 7 and headed back to the hospital. Little did I know that 30 minutes after I arrived she would have the baby. We didn't find out until about an hour and half later.



John finally came out and told us all that a little Lucas Matthew was born. I was shocked, I thought all along it was a little girl. The family is so equipped for boys though and I can't imagine a little boy that wouldn't dream of growing up in a skate park.

Nicole looked amazing when I saw her, like she was on cloud nine. Didn't even seem like she just pushed a baby out!



I'm heading back up tomorrow to see them and visit a little longer. I'm so proud of Nicole and so excited for her and John and honored to be a part of this. I hope this little boy is ready for a life filled with crazy friends and family.

Why are guys so silly? I don't get them and they seem to be pretty simple creatures. It's been a year since I've broken up with B and I've been on a few dates and have hung out with a good amount of guys. Obviously, none of them have worked. One looked like Kurt Cobain except he was really quiet. One was just hot and a douchebag. One, okay a few, were way to clingy. And then I met another one Friday night and today he proceeds to send pictures of himself to my e-mail address? WHY? I can only laugh because....really? He seems like a nice guy, kind of cute and then BAM had to send me pictures of himself.

I do have a blind date Friday. I'm excited. We texted for a bit and the boy seems to actually have a brain. And can use big words! It's going to be a late date though so we're going to go to the movies...Transformers? Do hardcore boys like that? No idea, tough shit.

If this doesn't work out I'm just going to marry my new baby...the D200. I'm in love.

I don't really know what to think about today. I sign into my e-mail this morning and start reading the updated blogs. They all have these super wonderful fathers day posts written out. It makes me teary eyed and sick to my stomach all at once.

It's been 5 years since I've talked to me Dad.

I wonder what he's doing today. If he ever thinks of what he lost.

I think I've been at my new job about a month now and everything is going splendidly. I went through my archives a few days ago and read some of the old posts about my former nanny jobs. I can't imagine working for that again and I'm finally glad I decided to grow some balls and stand up for myself.

I spent yesterday playing with my adorable little Ellie outside. When I first met her she cried and cried and cried but now I think we are figuring each other out. She usually only cries if she is hungry or tired. Plus those smiles she gives me right before she falls asleep, love them!



We had one nice day of weather and now gross rain for days. But this makes me happy! Mmmmmmm



Rode last night to the common the see The Hangover. OMG. I about peed myself from laughing so hard. Plus the preview for Bruno looks just as laugh inducing, have to go see that.

I booked my flight to Germany! I'm really excited and even more excited that it's only a month away.

Another busy weekend. Friday I went and met new baby Scho. He is so adorable and slept pretty much the entire time. Also had a nice chat with Mary. Usually they are running out the door or I am when I go to babysit so it was fun to sit and talk. Had lunch with Nicole and then came back to the city to meet Kate. We went thrift store shopping in Davis Square. Didn't find anything though :(

Went up with Dan, Heather and the boys at Picco in the South End. We had pizza and ice cream and way to many inappropriate stories. Also learned how to catch face lice, gag, and almost passed out.



After THAT, Heather and I headed to JP for the Nesop graduation party. Had a beer, talked with people and walked home around 2 am. Such a busy day. Last night Heather and I went bike riding and it kicked my ass. I went to bed at 10 pm and couldn't drag myself out this morning until almost 1. So pathetic.

The weekends of having something planned everyday are over. Hooray! Finally time to enjoy some camping, bbqing, and the nice weather.

............

Sorry, got distracted. Heather texted saying she had carrot cake so I hauled ass on my bike over there to get some. Delicious! I also made Conor give me a ride on his motorcycle around Boston. That thing was so much fun!

Anyways-Friday night I babysat for a couple from California. The parents were a riot, we had a good time and the kids were insanely good. After that I went over to the hostel where Colin works. He's spending the summer in Nebraska so we had a little going away party for him. We went to the dive bar TC's, I did two shots and had a stoli and sprite. I was done. Went back to Heather's house and fell asleep cuddling with Juddy. Gah, that boy. He's moving back to Boston and I would love for it to go somewhere but knowing my luck it won't. So I'm not getting my hopes up and just letting things happen when they happen.

I went riding tonight by myself down to the Charles river to look at the skyline. So nice and peaceful. I really really love this city.

Seasons keep me in check. Winter is there to remind me that mother nature sucks and also to truly enjoy the other months. Summer is not my favorite season but I love nights like tonight. Perfect sunset, a cool breeze and driving home during twilight. Watching Boston light up. This is what makes winter worth it.

Heather came over last night and we chatted about life. She thinks come September that she is going to pack up all over her stuff and move to Taos for a month and then after that who knows. Of course this makes me incredibly sad. I feel like since I've moved here all of the people whom I've grown to really care about move away. The nannies all went back to Europe and now Heather is leaving. I have also been starting to hang out with Kate more and her and Mike are thinking of moving to San Fran next Summer. It just bums me out.

I would love to be able to pack up my stuff and just move on but I don't feel like I have that urgency yet. I know before I can go anywhere I need to finish school. I would also like to put in a few years as a paralegal just to get some experience. If, after that, I feel like I need to go somewhere I will.

I've traveled through almost all of the states and have seen a few countries. For some reason Boston just feels like home to me. Even though I'm sad that my friends are leaving I know I will continue to make new ones and as long as I feel at home here, I'll probably stay.

The road trip was fast, furious and really fun. We left a little later than we wanted to on Thursday night but we were still able to make it to the border of Pennsylvania. We slept in the car the first night at some rest stop. Actually Heather slept in the car and I tossed and turned the whole time.

Pennsylvania's roads were pretty much tore up all throughout the state. We would go through 15 miles of construction, get a one mile break and then another 15 miles. It made for a long day but we survived and passed into West Virgina. I was pleasantly surprised with this state. It was so green and beautiful. The people were interesting but the state was nice. Kentucky was beautiful too. Rolling green hills. We stopped in Lexington for some dinner and drinks. We were driving around and saw tattooed people sitting outside a bar so we decided to go there. They recommended getting a 'hot brown' from this restaurant down the street so we did. I had never heard of that but is is

"The Hot Brown is an open-faced sandwich of turkey and bacon, covered in Mornay sauce and baked or broiled until the bread is crisp and the sauce begins to brown. Many Hot Browns also include ham with the turkey, and either pimentos or tomatoes over the sauce...

sounds disgusting, but it was actually really good. We went back to the bar and got to hang out with the locals. There accents were so thick, it was funny to talk to them. They were nice but we hit the road again. I couldn't handle another night of sleeping or rather not sleeping in the car so we drove to Elizabethtown and I paid for a dumpy motel room. We went through Tennessee the next day and ate at Sonic and drove straight through Arkansas. From what I saw out of the car windows, Arkansas didn't look to pleasant.

We were going to stop in Oklahoma city to do the dinner and drinks thing again but right as we were coming into the city we got hit with a huge storm. The rain started and it was pretty heavy so people started stopping underneath highway overpasses. I kind of laughed at them, and we kept driving. Then the hail hit. The hail was hitting the car so hard we though the windshield was going to break. We got off the highway and stopped on a little driveway into an apartment complex. The complex was chained off so we couldn't go any farther. About 5 minutes later the street was completely flooded and we needed to get out of their before we were stuck. Heather had to jump out and make sure the car wasn't on the chain while I backed up into a gigantic water puddle. It was insane and we were both shaking by the end of it. We made it to Oklahoma City and had dinner and drinks at some local dive, The Biting Sow. We walked around after trying to find some hipper places but they all charged a cover fee. It was crazy, you walked into a bar that had 3 whole people in it and they wanted a $7 cover fee. Boston doesn't even have those so we just watched some street performers and hit the road again. We got a hotel again and ate at some cute diner the next morning. I thought Oklahoma was gorgeous. Flat, rolling hills with lots of wheat. Reminded me of Western Montana. Huge skies were you could see for miles, I loved it.

We drove through Amarillo in the morning and stopped at the Cadillac Ranch on the way out of town. We also stopped at the biggest cross west of something. The jesus billboards, jesus radio stations and jesus gas stations were all a little much for me. Actually it made me quite uncomfortable. I'm all for freedom of religion but don't push it down my throat and anyone else that happens to drive down the road. They have to realize that not everyone believes in the same religion they do, right? Probably not. We then got to New Mexico. We were both extremely tired at this point so we just drove around Albuquerque. We stopped to have some real Mexican food and I'm still thinking about it. It was delicious.

We also grabbed a coffee before Heather dropped me off at the airport. She still had three hours to drive so I had her drop me off around 10 pm even though my flight wasn't until 6 am. I thought I would be able to sleep. I thought wrong. I pulled an all nighter and I'm still paying for it. My body didn't know what the hell was going on.

Now I'm trying to get back into somewhat of a routine. I feel so off with changing jobs and school ending. I have more busy weekends ahead but then hopefully it slows down so I can get back to normal.

Tomorrow I am driving to New Mexico with Heather. We have 4 days to get there and then I'm flying home bright and early on Monday morning to be back to work on Tuesday.

I bought my ticket home last night, nothing like waiting until the last minute, but when you don't know you are leaving until two days before you leave, that happens.

Hopefully we both make it home alive without killing each other and with lot's of pictures and stories about southern boys.

I feel like every post I start has something to do with how busy I feel and this one is no different. This weekend was extremely busy. On Friday I went and met Nicole at her doctors office. We went out to lunch, bj's, and then I ran some other extra errands. I hate running errands, so mundane. Her shower was on Saturday so I had to get all the little things down.

Saturday was her shower. We got up and got breakfast and then went to work. I didn't want her there because I knew she would help and she did. I don't think I could have gotten everything together though without her. Some guests showed up 45 minutes early which threw me for a little loop and then trying to wrangle everyone outside was also fun. Other than that, I think it went okay. I didn't sit down once and was running all over the place so I didn't get to enjoy it as much but I hope everyone else enjoyed themselves.





I had to babysit on Sunday so I just stayed over at Nicole's again. Maddie was great as always and Mary is getting ready to have the baby any day. Rob thinks it's going to be this week. I just want to know what it is.

Tomorrow I don't have to work until 4 so I'm going to ride my bike, grocery shop and sleeeeep.

The weekend was a blur and it's so nice to have today off to catch up and get ready for my first day of work tomorrow at my new job.

Friday my bosses had a BBQ for me, except with pizza. Rich is an amazing cook. We also had sangria, lots and lots of sangria. It was nice hanging out with them for a few hours, not having to worry about work or the kids. They gave me an incredibly sweet card and we had our exchange of tears. Rich and Barry also told me they thought of me as their little sister and I'm part of the family now. I'm going to miss them.



Friday night I was going to stay in, but decided to go out instead. We went and say Catie's band Sway at the Plough and the Stars in Central Square. It was nice, the band is so cute. Not to mention hot lawyer-in-training is in the band. Yum.

Saturday Heather and I went bike shopping. After living in the city I have come to realize why people ride bikes. Biking is much faster, cheaper and gives you a nice ass to boot. I bought my little Torker, he's so cute.



That night we went back to Central Square to celebrate Ann-Marie's birthday at the Pheonix Landing. Heather and I decided to ride our bikes there. We got all cute and dressed up and then it started pouring. We sat in my apartment for a second until the rain stopped. We thought it was safe but we were wrong. It started pouring while we were riding to Cambridge. I was in a skirt and tights and looked like a drowned rat by the time we got there. It wasn't a pretty sight. We still danced all night long, even getting up on the benches to dance for some awesome 80's music.

Sunday-Mother's Day, didn't do a damn thing. I think I laid in my bed for 10 hours, I was so sore.

Busy busy weekend and busy busy week.

So this is it. My last day of work with my boys is tomorrow. I've been tearing up all week thinking about it. I thought about it even more while walking tonight and I know this time was coming but it's hard. This is the first time I've actually felt that the people I work for appreciated me. I didn't mind coming to work, I had fun with them. I think of them as my family know and I know this is not the end.

I have homework due tomorrow that I am currently not doing. Take that computer class!

This weekend was fun. On Saturday I went with Nicole to Stephanie's bridal shower. I think those events are more fun when it's not actually your family. You can stand back and watch the drama unfold and not have to actively be a part of if. Until on of the Aunts explains to you that her photographer ruined her wedding. What a pleasant thing to say to the very very amateur photographer...aka me...of this wedding. After the shower we went and get pedi's. It was amazing and something that I will have to do more often.

Yesterday I went with Kate and Justin to the arboretum in Jamaica Plain. That place is beautiful! I want to take Nicole there to get some maternity shots. Here are some of the shots she took.







I am super critical of myself, but I think these turned out okay. We had a lot of fun. We ended the day with a trip to the movies to see X-Men Origins. I have not seen the rest of the X-Men movies but I really enjoyed it. Going to have to watch the other ones now.

2 more days with my boys :( They are having a BBQ for me on Friday, coming home from work early so we can grill. I got teary eyed tonight when Barry was telling me the plan, asking me what kind of food I want to eat. I don't want this to be the end. I am excited to start a new adventure with a new family though and I'll always remain friends with these guys.

I think all of Massachusetts heard me let a big huge SIGH today because I got the JOB!

Yay Yay Yay Yay Yay Yay

I start May 12th. Just looking at the boys today made me tear up, I am going to miss them so much. Even on the days they are little shits, they are still MY little shits and I love them :( 5 more days together. I need to think of something to get their parents...hmm....ideas?

I needed this weekend. The weather was amazing, even though I'm sweating like a pig. I had a great night out for Conor's birthday. We went out to Charlies Kitchen in Harvard Square. It's a little dive bar with amazing burgers and okay drinks. I had a total of three drinks and could barely walk, I'm such a lightweight. The guys were all extremely funny and I almost laughed until I cried on numerous occasions, along with almost peeing myself. Colin tried to get me to make out with him the whole night and at the very end he got a kiss on the cheek. Lucky dude!



Today I had two interviews. They both went extremely well and now I'm afraid I'll be offered two jobs and have to decline one :( They are both pretty much the same thing and I like both families equally so the we'll see what happens. By the end of the week I hope to finally know if I have a job. I'm treating myself to a pedicure when I get one and I need a pedicure BAD.

Is this week over yet? Between school, work, trying to find a job, being sick and trying to find a job, I'm spent. Seriously spent. I don't know at what point my body and mind start mentally breaking down but I feel like it's close, and it scares me. I have a working interview with a family in Belmont on Sunday and before that I have an interview with a family in Lexington. I also have one on Monday with some family somewhere else. Still, I'm scared. I just want this whole thing to be over so I can move on with my life and stop stressing about every little thing. Less than two weeks to go.

This weekend was interesting. I had a lovely Friday night with Nicole. We went to dinner and shopping. Got caught up on all of the gossip that we needed to. It was nice to hang out and her pregnant belly is pretty damn adorable. So weird seeing your good friends pregnant. On Saturday morning I drove down to New Jersey to see the boy. I get there and he wants to take his truck to the car wash, no big deal. Then he comes home and wants to vacuum out the fucking thing. I am literally sitting on the steps of his house for a good hour, hour and a half while he vacuums. We went for a long drive after that and chatted a bit. It was at this point that he started to become distant I guess? It was weird. We went back to his house and he played video games and then we ate dinner with his family. I adored his parents, they were amazing.

After dinner we decided to go out to a bar with one of his friends. In Nicks words, he wanted to get fucked up. Lovely, eh? Have a nice girl visiting from another state and you want to get completely smashed. We're sitting at dinner and I'm chatting with his friend about life and what not. While we're talking, Nick starts talking to the two girls that are sitting at the table next to us. I seriously was speechless. I'm still speechless and want to know what the fuck was running through that boys head. We went to his friends house to hang out, we were there for all of 20 minutes when Nick needed to go home because he was plastered.

He came home, passed out on the futon and that was it. I should have just left then but I had had some drinks so that was out. I woke up in the morning, he started cleaning his room for a house showing and then I left. He hasn't talked to me all week and I sure as hell am not initiating conversation with him. He wanted to come up this weekend since his friends were but I doubt that is going to happen. Don't know if I even really want to see him anyways. I would like to talk to him to see what the fuck is going on.

Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea. I'm not wasting my time on someone like that.

I'm just sayin', getting complimented by a suicide girl when your tattoos are not even visible will really boost your confidence.


I went to Heathers art show tonight in Southie. It was really really fun. I went with Dan and all of his roommates who kept me laughing the entire time. Tears rolling down my face laughing.

I was talking to one of Heathers friends and this group of people was standing next to us, four of them. They kept looking over at me and then looking away. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I was getting very embarrassed because I thought they were making fun of me and honestly had no idea why. :( I walked over to Heather and asked if she knew them, of course she did. She went to talk to them and the girl came over and said they kept looking at me because they thought I was adorable. Serious self confidence booster!

I need to go to bed, but I'm still pumped from tonight. Might be heading to Jersey this weekend and dinner date tomorrow with Nicole!