OH this gets me excited. Do you see that? 80 degree weekend in October? This is what I live in Boston for, even though I was cursing under my breath yesterday because it was so cold outside.

This weekend is going to be good. I can feel it. Tomorrow, Matt and I have a date. We are going to go whale watching! I've never been and neither has he. I hope we get to see some cute little whales flopping around in the ocean. We might have dinner with his friend who recently told us she's having a baby girl! So exciting. Other than that, I think we are just going to relax and enjoy our time. We are going to save apple picking for next weekend when we have A because that's our tradition and it wouldn't be the same without him.

So here's to a great Friday and hopefully I'll be back with some pictures of whale butts!

I seem to attract the crazies.  Normally in the morning, the train is filled with people heading to work, most of them zoned out into some electronic device or book.  This is usually me as well and was this morning.

I walked onto a particularly empty train and took a seat near the front and sat down.  A man got on a few stops later and stood right in front of me.  I noticed he was mumbling a little to himself but didn't think anything of it.  And then it happened.  My foot brushed his pants.  (!!!!!!!!) I shit you not. This guy went off.

He wasn't speaking English though but he wasn't speaking any other language I could figure out either, so I assume he was speaking his own language.   This went on for a few seconds and then asked him what the fuck his problem was.  Now, there were no kids around and I apparently have no class, so yes, I said "fuck" on public transportation.  He started speaking his own language again, making faces, making fun of me, and all around being a great guy.  I got up, told him to get the fuck out of my way.  People were staring.  I'm not sure if they were staring at me thinking I was crazy, or the actual crazy guy and I got off the train.

Public transportation in the city if tough y'all. I also learned that maybe sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut and be blissfully unaware.  BUT, if you know me, I'm not very good at keeping my mouth shut.  Need a friend to open her mouth and tell someone off?  I'm your girl.

I read an article in the Boston Globe this morning that got me thinking and if you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed that I responded to the author.  I wish I would have seen her tweets asking for people who are vegan to participate because I would have jumped at the chance.

Whenever I hear people talking about vegans, I start to cringe a little bit because it's usually not met with kind words.  For some reason, people are fascinated by them, extremely critical of them, and can never imagine themselves being one. My answer = so don't?

I went into this article thinking it was going to be an informative piece, potentially inspiring those who are curious and looking at veganism as a good thing.  It was not that kind of piece.  The author didn't even ask any vegans their thoughts.  She interviewed a guy who was vegan for two weeks but gave it up, a person who wants to go vegan but didn't exactly know why and more people who thought it would be a pain in the ass, which it is, at times.

Boston is an extremely friendly vegan city though.  Vegan restaurants are a plenty and we have numerous Whole Foods/Trader Joes to choose food from.  It's not like we live in the middle of Nebraska with nothing.

This whole phenomenon is weird to me.  I could really give two shits what you eat but for some reason, everyone cares what vegans eat or why they do it and then like to critique it.  I like to answer questions about being vegan and why I've chosen to do so, but not when people are being condescending about it.  I think that goes for anything though in regards to ones lifestyle, religion, politics, etc. 

Honestly, if you eat a cheeseburger in front of me, I won't care.

I missed my stop on the subway this morning. I was dozing off into daydreaming land and looked out the window as we started going, leaving my stop behind. I just laughed. It's Monday.

I walked the extra 5 minutes to work and was a frazzled frizzy mess by the time I got here. How do these women keep themselves looking perfect during the commute? I fail miserably.

I also need a new purse. I've needed a new purse for awhile.  It's starting to fall apart.  My trusty purse has been on countless adventures though, to Europe and back, Puerto Rico and back, potentially even China?  I can't remember.

Here are some choices, I'm hitting the buy button on one of them.

Source

 

Source 

Source

 

Source

That mustard color is really calling my name and the price-tag is budget friendly.  Hmm...

I'm so confused as to what I want to do with my life now.

I'm making an appointment tomorrow to speak with my doctor about possible depression. I'm not quite sure what to think of it, but I need help. I'm not quite sure how I'm still functioning or moving along when all I want to do is not do anything. My stomach is in knots and has been for months. There hasn't been a moment of peace.

I told Matt today that I feel like a failure. I feel like the worst step-mom that has ever lived and at sometimes, I get tired of being one. It's an incredible amount of pressure just stacked upon all of the other pressure I have. Matt thinks this is because I'm unhappy with myself and if I fix that then the other things will fix themselves. He says he'll be here for me and only wants to see me happy. Then a few hours later we're fighting and he utters the words of "move out".

This is reality. I'm not sugar-coating it and I may regret it but fuck it. I know he says things he doesn't mean when he's angry and I do too. He's said this before, and many people may find that fucked up too, which it probably is. I'm not quite sure where to go from here besides my doctor but I wish I could just drive away from it all.

A and I went to the movies today and they showed this Chipotle commercial before the movie started. For one, Willie Nelson is covering Coldplay, and two...just watch. I wanted to stand up in the theater and start clapping but I refrained.

Today is a gorgeous day in the city and it reminds me why I love living here.  As much as I think winter sort of depresses me, I almost need it.  I don't know if I could live in a climate with one or two seasons, I need them all.  If winter only lasted like 2 weeks, that would make me happier but I don't think that exists anywhere.

The air has a slight crisp to it but the sun is still shining bright enough to warm you up.  LOVE IT. It's a great way to start a Friday. 

This weekend I need to take an accounting quiz and test.  I asked my Professor through one of our discussion boards where I could find the information about a particularly issue I was having with a problem.  She said the book didn't discuss it, that we we're just "supposed to know".  That left me feeling reassured.

We also have A this weekend but the weather is not supposed to be very nice so I'm going to try and think of something fun to do.  I don't want to spend my whole weekend with my nose in a textbook and pulling my hair out stressed. 

Sunday is also Matt and I's 2nd anniversary. (kinda) Minus those few months of a break, but I guess we don't count them.  I'll write more about that later but I still can't believe it's only been 2 years.  It feels like a lifetime.

I'm feeling a bit better today.  Talk about mood swings and roller coasters of emotions. 


I've been seeing a lot more people complain about school and people calling it the "sophomore slump".  Only I'm like a super super sophomore and this slump has been going on for years. I need to look forward to the end though, by next December I'll have my associate of science, no student loans and I'll be done with school forever if I want!  I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself then.

I was talking to a friend last night about blogs and she asked me if I read Matt Longelin's blog. I said I did shortly after they lost Liz but hadn't checked in in awhile.  I sat there on my couch pouring over entries and crying my eyes out.  I read and read and will probably go home tonight and read some more.  This man has been through one of the most horrific things life can throw at you, along with getting a precious little girl out of it.  It also reminded me that I should be grateful for what I have going on in my life and being sad is kind of stupid.

I have so many things going for me, I should be proud of how far I've come and what's ahead.  Thinking about it kind of gets me excited.  This really is only the beginning.  This tough part of life is only the stepping stone and getting through these few years will all be worth and I'll come out stronger. I don't want to pat myself on the back too much but I should be proud of how far I've come considering my circumstances.

I plan to write more about that later today for journal day, which I've haven't done before.

I'm in a funk.  As if that wasn't obvious.  I'm sorry if this little ol' blog has turned into my venting station but I need to write my feelings out.  This blog is not dedicated to fashion and cupcakes, although I wish it was.

I've decided I'm not happy.  ::deep breath:: I'm not quite sure if there's much I can do about it either.  I mean, I'm sure there is, but at this point it seems so impossible.  When I first moved to Massachusetts I fell into a pretty good depression.  I would cry every single day and every morning it was a task to just make it through.

I think I'm at that point again. I feel the tears coming just typing this out and this morning, on the elevator up to work, I cried.  I don't hate my job, it's actually quite easy and the benefits are great. Some of the people are less than stellar but I should be able to handle it.  I don't hate my home life, I actually have it quite well.  I have a pretty nice apartment, a new car, a boyfriend, a dog, a flat screen (do people tally these things up?), so I feel like I SHOULD be happy, but if I could crawl in a hole and stay there for awhile, I would. Making it through a day without falling apart once is being obsolete.  My body just feels heavy, like I have to lug myself from destination to destination and if I didn't have a job, I probably wouldn't move.

Matt and I got in a fight last night about something stupid and I flipped my shit.  The littlest things set me off these days and heaven knows what will happen.  I furiously started looking for apartments on craigslist and then was hit with a slap of reality that nobody is going to take in me and my dog for what I can afford.  I also came to the realization that even if I left, who's to say my life would get happier?  I would still be dealing with the same shit that makes me unhappy.

I feel extremely overwhelmed and that doesn't help anything.  I feel overwhelmed at work, at home, on the train, walking, before I go to bed, when I wake up, there's rarely a moment when my mind isn't going crazy with stuff.  I talked with Matt today and I told him I feel so useless.  I get home and do nothing because my mind is so consumed that I'm literally frozen.  I hate that it falls on him to do laundry and dishes and cook dinner yet I don't help because I don't even know where to begin. 

So, because I can neither quit my job or quit my relationship, I need to start working towards feeling better.  I have a feeling school contributes a lot to my unhappiness but there really is no changing that either.  I need to start writing a daily list of like 3 tasks and complete them. 

I was able to eventually crawl out of this whole after a months when I first moved here and I'm anxiously awaiting for the time when I can crawl out of it this time.  So parden me while I work this shit out and take this blog for a ride.

I wasn't as bummed out about today being Monday as I usually am.  Yesterday was awful, so I'm liking the fresh start to this week. 

Saturday started off well.  I took Emma to daycare and to say she was STOKED would be an understatement. Apparently we are just not as fun as running around with 30 other dogs.   After dropping her off I headed out to the 'burbs to get my hair did.  I promptly arrived 45 MINUTES early and sat in my car.  I'm so annoyed with how early I need to be to things. 

My hair looks fabulous!  That is why I drive the hour outside of the city to get it done because I love love love my hair stylist.  I would have taken a picture of it this morning but as soon as I walked outside it looked like I had just ran a 10 mile race.  I think I curse humidity more than I curse anything else.  Maybe I'll be able to take a picture come November, or December.

After my hair appointment, my friend Nicole and I stopped at a thrift store.  I grabbed 2 cute dresses, a skirt, a shirt and a Mary & Jesus plaque.  I don't care if I never wear these clothes, they were like 50 cents each.  Can't beat that! 

After coming back home I started to tackle my homework.  Most of my management class is busywork which is so mind-numbing it's painful .  Accounting on the other hand, I feel like a broken record.  It ruined my Sunday.  It ruins EVERYDAY.  It's a good thing Matt was at work because I wouldn't have been surprised if he just packed his shit up and left.  I was a mess.  A mess.

13/12 more weeks.  I hope I can hold on without needed to check myself into the looney bin.

I was able to relax last night though and watch some tv, Amazing Race and Sister Wives!  My friend and I are going to submit an application to be on the next Amazing Race (I'm serious Nicole).  And the more I watch Sister Wives, the more I think these women are absolute geniuses! Free babysitting and you only have to deal with your husband every 4 days or so!  Sounds like the perfect life to me.  Of course I have a tendency to get a bit jealous so I'd probably claw some bitches eyeballs out but, whatever.

Here's to a non-shitty Monday!  (crossing my fingers)

A day in my wicked awesome life.I thought it would be fun to look back in a few years and see if anything changes. For my sake, I hope they do.

My morning starts out at 6:30 am so that I can take the dog out.  In case you haven't noticed, my life revolves around this dog. I walk her around the block and let her sniff to her hearts content.  I'm usually walking in a haze behind her looking like a disheveled mess.

I start getting ready for work when I come back inside.  The humidity yesterday and today has been off the charts, leaving me in the bathroom about ready to take Matt's buzzers to my head Britney Spears style.

I walk to the train and take the subway into downtown which takes about 8 minutes. I grab a coffee because there is a dunkin donuts smack in the middle of the station, I can't resist.  After switching trains, which by the way are extremely crowded now that college kids have moved back into the city, I walk the three minutes to work, right across the street from this lovely view.

Then I'm at work from 9-5 as a paralegal.  But I'm also considered an IT person as evidenced this morning when my boss couldn't figure out how to log-in to Rhapsody.  This week has been so incredible busy.  I think I need to work 4 days a week.  By Friday by patience is worn so thin, it's a wonder how I make it through the day.

After work, I hop back on the train and join the rat race home.

 

Only to be greeted by this smushy face!  As much as she drives me crazy with her not-listening-to-her-mother-skills, I love her. I try and take her to the dog park providing their isn't a fat lazy pug just chillin' there.  We play fetch and she gets tired after 5 minutes.  I drag her home, only to have her get a second and third and fourth burst of energy resulting in her not actually laying down until 11pm.

Since Matt wasn't home last night, I had to cook dinner myself.  He's the chef.  I am not.  I cook my favorite meal of vegan mac n' cheese.  This stuff is to die for.  He actually bought me a case of it because I eat it so much.  I probably shouldn't be telling people that.

And then my night involves homework but I usually get sidetracked by tv, such as last night's X-factor.  If Matt's home, he usually plays guitar while I sit there crying over my accounting homework. 

So, that's it!  Nothing too earth shattering.  If we have A, our schedule shifts but not by much.  We usually try and do fun things on the weekends to break up the monotony.

By the way, I succumbed to the pressure of Twitter yesterday.  You can add me if you want!  My name thingy is @whatheathersaid. 

Back to work.  I have title orders coming out of my ass.

Saturday, I'm getting my hair cut and colored.  If you saw what my hair looks like now, you would be saying hallelujah!  It's an absolute mess.  I can't remember the last time I had it done. I had an appointment booked for the end of July but had to cancel due to low funds. Needless to say, it's been awhile.

I'm a natural blonde although I have no idea what shade of blonde I would be these days.  I've been brunette, black, red, pink, purple, blue but have settled on red.  I love red hair. I've been growing my hair out since I've been born but once it gets to my shoulders I usually have a freak out and cut it.  Right now, the ends are around my bra strap, hot. It's naturally wavy but doesn't look good natural but sometimes I let it go because I'm lazy.

These are my two inspirations

I might even walk around doing the 'rawr' pose for fun.  Both look un-fussy yet extremely adorable. I'm excited for whatever because anything is better than what I'm walking around with.

.................................................................................................................

In more important news, it's my friends sweet baby girls one year birthday today.  She was sadly only here for a few months before passing away.  In her short few months here, she touched a whole lot of people. Happy Birthday Hannah. We miss you <3

The whole blogging world is like a world in and of itself.  It's its own special culture with rules and other shit.

There are extremely popular blogs and then some measly little ones like mine.  I'm totally fine with my blog being a little speck of dust in the blogging world.  I started this thing like 4 years ago to write out my adventures and I'm so happy to have it.  I look back on some entries with a smile on my face and then I go back and read some and my heart kind of breaks for myself again. I share the good and the bad, the cute and the ugly.

Anyways, that's not why I started this. On some of the blogs I visit, they share their sponsors whom I sometimes go and check out.  I like reading new blogs.  I like seeing how other people live in their little parts of the world.  I've also been trying to reach out to more people lately and leave comments, get to know them, send some feelers out.  Let them know that in fact, someone is reading what they are writing.  I know I like to see that sometimes.

What disheartens me though is when I leave a comment and then the blogger responds in a not-so-nice way.  I usually try to keep my comments nice and sweet, so it confuses me.  Is it because my blog isn't popular enough?  Does she not like my hair? Ack, WHAT?  I also realize that some of these bloggers get hundreds of comments and they can't possibly respond to everyone and pat their heads but when I was the only comment in days, was it necessary to be bitchy about my innocent question? I thought that's why you sponsored other blogs, so new people could come see your little space on the internet.  But, if you are going to be a bitch to those new people, well, I'll just excuse myself and never come back.

It reminds me of high school and the cliques and why I am so glad I left that behind.

p.s. If you are a reader or commenter of this blog, thanks, to all 5 of you :) This rant is not about anyone who has posted a comment here or of the other lovely blogs I read.  This was a one and done scenario.

(This thing has been floating around the blogging world so in the interest of being one of the cool kids, I thought I would do it too.  Or I'm just bored and have nothing to share.  This week has been pretty event-less, which is sometimes a good thing.)

A. Age: 24
B. Bed size: Queen, I think?
C. Chore that you hate: All of them, HA.  The worst is probably folding laundry. HATE HATE HATE.
D. Dogs: One Staffordshire named Emma who's smushy kisses and doggy breath I adore
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee on the weekdays but I usually don't get it until I'm on my way to work
F. Favorite color: Yellow
G. Gold or Silver: Silver but pretty gold rings have been growing on me
H. Height: 5'7"
I. Instruments you play: I used to be able to play the flute but no idea if I could still rock it
J. Job title: Paralegal, Attorney bitch, dog-walker
K. Kids:Step-'mom' to one 5 year old boy
L. Live: Boston
M. Mother’s name: Lori
N. Nicknames: ChuChu,
O. Overnight hospital stays: Never
P. Pet peeves: Slow drivers in the fast lane, slow drivers anywhere for that matter, people who walk slow and stop right in my path
Q. Quote from a movie: I'm really bad with movie quotes. Matt spouts them off to me all the time and I have no idea what he's talking about.  My brain has no room for that shit!
R. Right or left handed: Right handed
S. Siblings: Older sister and older brother
U. Underwear: Yes, I wear underwear
V. Vegetable you hate: Sauerkraut, is that a vegetable?
W. What makes you run late: I hate being late so if I am, it would either be traffic or a slow moving subway
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth, Lungs
Y. Yummy food that you make:HAHA! Mac n Cheese-vegan, out of a box, I'm no chef
Z. Zoo animal: Zoo's make me sad but I do love zebras, giraffes and hippos

Fall is definitely here as was evident this weekend. Temps did a nosedive and the heater kicked on.  We celebrated Matt's nieces 4th birthday and because having eight  3-6 year olds wasn't enough, we decided to bring Emma. It was her first long-ish car ride and she did alright.  There was a shit-ton of traffic where she got a little fidgety but we made it to Meme's house without her shitting all over the backseat, and to me, that's a WIN.

Emma behaved okay at the birthday party.  She really just wanted to run and play but in the interest of keeping peace with the children, we had her on a line with her leash attached.  Every so often we let her off and when everyone went inside for cake, we played fetch. (Emma doesn't understand the fetch concept so it's more like throw the ball and see if she comes back).  When we got back into the car to come home she promptly fell asleep and stayed the way for the rest of the night.  Few things are cuter than a dog all snuggled up in the backseat snoring.

Sunday, we lounged around in the morning.  I worked on homework, which is my life now and will continue to be for the next 13 weeks. 

5 more hours until the weekend.  Can you feel my excitement?!?

We have Matt's neices birthday party to attend tomorrow.  I haven't even bought her a gift yet.  I really am the worst Aunt.  If birthdays didn't slap me across the face, I probably wouldn't remember them.  The only way I remember mine is because it's the first day of the year.

It's also Emma's birthday tomorrow, she will be 1 year old!  We actually don't know the exact date she was birthed but the vet picked this day so we went with it.  That's how Matt and I do a lot of things, we just pick days.  We didn't know when our anniversary was (it's complicated) so we just picked one.

In honor of puppies, here are some pics I've found via Pinterest.  I would re-pin them all but I will come off as looking like a crazy dog lady, which I am.

And a picture of Ryan Gosling with his dog to get this weekend started out right:

I think I have figured out my annoyance with my life. 

My job.



Hmpf.


I realized when I started my schooling to become a paralegal and eventually landing a job that I would probably be helping the attorneys a lot.  What I didn't realize would be the fact that once you get the title of attorney, you suddenly lose all ability to do anything for yourself.  It's maddening, really.  They would rather spend 3 hours handwriting 27 pages of a complaint with scribbles and non-sense and hand it to me to type instead of typing it themselves.  Does that seem ass backwards to anybody else?  Wouldn't typing it to begin with be so much easier and faster?.  It takes me 5 hours to decipher the damn thing while typing it, only to give it back to them, after which it bounces back and forth. It seems like such a waste of time.  And then they get huffy when I don't have it done right away.  Don't get huffy with me asshole, I'll move your shit to the bottom of my to-do pile.


This job does have its perks, but when its bad, I want to bash my head into the desk. I hate being talked down to, like I'm a peon because I didn't attend law school.  I'm not dumb, I'm actually quite smart, hence why I didn't attend law school.

I think I'm going to start sneaking wine in my water bottle in the morning to get me through the day. Why wasn't I born a trust fund baby.  :(

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I have a little pep in my step.  I threw on a cute dress, cardigan, cute shoes and was out the door. Decided to head to Starbucks instead of my usual Dunkin Donuts. (Change is good I tell myself)

Ordering at Starbucks is always a chore because they usually look at me like I'm friggin crazy. I order a Grande (bleh) Lite Ice Peppermint Soy Chai.  I can't partake in Pumpkin Spice Lattes because I believe the syrup has dairy in it.  Tear.  Anyways, my order must be uber complicated because I had to explain to the nice lady ringing be up when I ordered about 7 times.  The line was extremely long, I was getting embarrassed, I shouldn't have to endure this torture for a $5 drink.  Hence why I will probably go back to my trusty ol' ice coffee tomorrow.


That picture up there looked a lot better on my little phone display, ha

This weekend I was this close to packing my bags and driving off into the sunset.  Last week I was hanging on by a thread.  I think we all get to that point at some point in our lives, and if you haven't, well bless you.

Sometimes I get so stressed and I start to take out my stresses on the people I love.  They do one thing wrong and I blow a fuse, a big huge messy fuse.  I try not to vent about Matt to my friends because I don't want it to color their view of him but sometimes you just need to let it out.  So that's what I did.  I packed a bag and drove to my friends house.  Out of the city, away from my responsibilities.  We drank a bottle of wine, gossiped, and I let everything go.  It felt good and was much needed.  I think it was exactly what I needed because I feel at peace today.  I still have a million things going on but I feel a little more in control.

We had a trip planned to Brimfield for awhile and we were not about to let a little life meltdown to get in the way.  I can't even explain how BIG Brimfield is.  I think we are going to go for a weekend next year because there is so much to see.  We also need to save money.  Neither of us had money to drop on vintage things but we wanted to!

Yesterday was spent getting all of my school work organized and the first week completed. I feel much better after spending a few hours hammering everything out.  Emma went to daycare and was absolutely pooped which made things easier.

I did take some time yesterday and watch some amazing stories of the people of 9/11.  Rising: The Rebuilding of Ground Zero was one of the best pieces I've seen thus far about this horrific day.  I had tears in my eyes through most of it but also let out some smiles.  We will move on, as hard as it is somedays.

The last few days have be rainy and gross making me feel gross. Weather really affects my mood, as does sleep and pretty much everything else.

School started yesterday and I logged on only to want to log back out and go cry in a corner.  I'm taking two online classes, Accounting 2 and Business Management, of which neither has to do with my degree.  I find them to be pointless and just eating away money for nothing. I'm already working in the paralegal field and I have yet to use any of this useless shit.  Accounting 1 and I had a battle last semester.  It was not pretty.  I did so incredibly well with my legal classes and then going into Accounting, I was holding on by a thread.  I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, to get A's.  I've always been that way.  If I can't do it well then I may as well not do it.

I've had a few classes in college that have knocked me down a few pegs.  I put so much time and energy into them to barely pass.  After many tears and hair pulling and fights with the computer and anything else that would fight back, I said Fuck It. Nobody in an interview is going to ask how well I did in my "History of World Religions" class with my nutty super feminist professor.  Nobody.  I exert all of this energy for nothing, really.  I want my GPA to be great but at the end of the day, as long as I pass and get my degree, that's all that matters. 

Both of my classes are online this year and they say on average I'm going to have to dedicate between 12 to 16 hours a week to them.  I'm not exactly sure where I'm going to pull that time out of but I'll try.  Working full time and going to school part time is not for the faint of heart.  I'm not sure how people work full time and go to school full time without relying heavily on medication, alcohol or both.

I about had a mental breakdown yesterday looking at all the crap I have to go through and assignments that are already needing to be done but I'll get through it. It may not be pretty and I may not be happy about it but I'll do it.