Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm in a funk.  As if that wasn't obvious.  I'm sorry if this little ol' blog has turned into my venting station but I need to write my feelings out.  This blog is not dedicated to fashion and cupcakes, although I wish it was.

I've decided I'm not happy.  ::deep breath:: I'm not quite sure if there's much I can do about it either.  I mean, I'm sure there is, but at this point it seems so impossible.  When I first moved to Massachusetts I fell into a pretty good depression.  I would cry every single day and every morning it was a task to just make it through.

I think I'm at that point again. I feel the tears coming just typing this out and this morning, on the elevator up to work, I cried.  I don't hate my job, it's actually quite easy and the benefits are great. Some of the people are less than stellar but I should be able to handle it.  I don't hate my home life, I actually have it quite well.  I have a pretty nice apartment, a new car, a boyfriend, a dog, a flat screen (do people tally these things up?), so I feel like I SHOULD be happy, but if I could crawl in a hole and stay there for awhile, I would. Making it through a day without falling apart once is being obsolete.  My body just feels heavy, like I have to lug myself from destination to destination and if I didn't have a job, I probably wouldn't move.

Matt and I got in a fight last night about something stupid and I flipped my shit.  The littlest things set me off these days and heaven knows what will happen.  I furiously started looking for apartments on craigslist and then was hit with a slap of reality that nobody is going to take in me and my dog for what I can afford.  I also came to the realization that even if I left, who's to say my life would get happier?  I would still be dealing with the same shit that makes me unhappy.

I feel extremely overwhelmed and that doesn't help anything.  I feel overwhelmed at work, at home, on the train, walking, before I go to bed, when I wake up, there's rarely a moment when my mind isn't going crazy with stuff.  I talked with Matt today and I told him I feel so useless.  I get home and do nothing because my mind is so consumed that I'm literally frozen.  I hate that it falls on him to do laundry and dishes and cook dinner yet I don't help because I don't even know where to begin. 

So, because I can neither quit my job or quit my relationship, I need to start working towards feeling better.  I have a feeling school contributes a lot to my unhappiness but there really is no changing that either.  I need to start writing a daily list of like 3 tasks and complete them. 

I was able to eventually crawl out of this whole after a months when I first moved here and I'm anxiously awaiting for the time when I can crawl out of it this time.  So parden me while I work this shit out and take this blog for a ride.


  1. hey. i wish there was something i could do for you. you are one of strongest women i know... you always seem to pull yourself out of dark space you get in - your entire life... (and i've known you since you were very little). you will get through this. i'm not a quitter either, and i don't want to give you bad advice - but is it an option for you to postpone school for a bit? just a thought. wish i could give you a big hug. miss you.

  2. I don't really want to postpone school because I just want it to be over, but at this rate, I still won't be done until next December.

    It's my accounting class that is just running me into the ground but as long as I pass, that's all that matters. I don't care if I pass with a D, it's still passing.

    Thank you for your kind words too, I miss you guys as well! and thinking about you makes me smile :) So so so happy for you.