Sunday, October 02, 2011

I'm so confused as to what I want to do with my life now.

I'm making an appointment tomorrow to speak with my doctor about possible depression. I'm not quite sure what to think of it, but I need help. I'm not quite sure how I'm still functioning or moving along when all I want to do is not do anything. My stomach is in knots and has been for months. There hasn't been a moment of peace.

I told Matt today that I feel like a failure. I feel like the worst step-mom that has ever lived and at sometimes, I get tired of being one. It's an incredible amount of pressure just stacked upon all of the other pressure I have. Matt thinks this is because I'm unhappy with myself and if I fix that then the other things will fix themselves. He says he'll be here for me and only wants to see me happy. Then a few hours later we're fighting and he utters the words of "move out".

This is reality. I'm not sugar-coating it and I may regret it but fuck it. I know he says things he doesn't mean when he's angry and I do too. He's said this before, and many people may find that fucked up too, which it probably is. I'm not quite sure where to go from here besides my doctor but I wish I could just drive away from it all.


  1. Oh hun, I wish I had advice :( I don`t know what to tell you though. Humans suck because we DO say things out of anger and regret them. I hope talking to your doctor helps love! Things will get better, and you're not a horrible step mom, you're a fantastic one!


  2. It's pretty normal (at least in my life) to utter some pretty horrible things while in arguments. I think that as long as you both verbalize that you didn't mean what was said, then everything is "fixable" - if that makes sense.
    Let me know what you need, and I'm here. I know you don't know what you need, but if you find yourself needing something, I'm here.
    Love you, be healthy!

  3. OH also, I love your new masthead/layout. I haven't actually clicked out of reader in a while!

  4. I think I need wine. Lot's and lot's of wine.


  5. I'm a firm believer that the shittier things get in your life that within 6-8 months it will be 100 times better. My 24th year SUCKED. I mean, it was one for the books epically bad but now things are pretty damn swell.
    So, hopefully, the same will happen for you.
    And yeah, we all get in fights with our long-term boyfriends like that. Totally normal but still feels shitty. Sorry, girl.