I don't want the weekends to end. I enjoy spending time with the boys so much. Of course it's nice to have some peace and quiet and time in my own space...but I'd rather be with them.

Matt had to work some of the time but yesterday he had the day off. We were planning on going to the common, walk around the gardens, look at the swan boats and then walk to Quincy market. The weather had other plans and decided to rain so we put those plans on hold and went bowling instead. We walked around Davis Square and went to Goodwill looking for figurines of Jesus. Even though both Matt and I are not religious in the slightest, we still appreciate the art of him? If that makes sense. We didn't find Jesus, but we did find a Johnny Cash record for 99 cents! The cover held a different album but I went searching through all of the loose vinyl and found Johnny. I was pretty proud of myself. Then we went to Harvard Square and walked around some more. I love this part of living in the city. No plans, just walking around different sections of the city.

We've been toying with the idea of moving in together in September. Or rather, I would move into his apartment. I know to some people that would seem crazy but I don't really care. We've kind of been mapping out what we want together and it seems to make the most sense. We would each be saving about $200 a month in rent which we would either use for a new car. We've toyed with the idea of also getting down to one car, which would also save money. If I get a job within Boston I could rely on public transportation. We ideally want to get our own place but financially speaking want to bank some money first.

I'm working three days this week, interning and hopefully hearing about an interview...fingers are still crossed!

Today was long. Dealing with a crabby, teething baby while you are pmsing is no fun. My schedule also got flipped all over the place. I thought I was going to be able to join Matt with his friend Hilary for lunch tomorrow in Chinatown but that's not going to happen. Ah well.

In order to get me in a somewhat better mood I picked up some de-fucking-licious vegan cupcakes from a little bakery down the street from work. I'm also going to pick up a movie and head over to Matt's. I don't have to go in to work until around noon so it's going to be an evening of cuddling and a nice slow morning tomorrow. Then a busy weekend!

These past few weeks have been so busy. I've been going non-stop. Tonight feels like the first night I can actually enjoy a solid 4 hours of nothing before going to bed.

Matt and I are getting back into the swing of things. I've definitely noticed an improvement in his actions and I'm improving mine as well. Most of the people in my life have wished me well in this. Some have been in this situation, some have not. Most want to see me happy but are a little skeptical because they don't want to see me get hurt again. Obviously I don't want to see that either. I've known since I met him that he is the one I want to spend my life with and this is what makes me happy.

Other than that aspect of my life, I've been submitting resumes consistently. The job I'm really waiting to hear from doesn't close until next Monday so I don't think I will hear about an interview until then. I just really hope I can line something up before Fall, if not, then I'm going to keep plugging away at classes. I plan to do that anyways but I just want a real job.

Spain is also probably not happening :( I'm extremely bummed but flights are around $1200 and I just can't justify spending that much money on plane ticket. Flights to China didn't even cost that much. Matt and I have been talking about Ireland so I think I'm going to save for that instead. It's much cheaper, only about $600, which would leave room for renting a car so we could drive around the country. I just need to leave the country and wanted to do so before the end of the year but January works too.

Alright, that's enough mindless bullshit for now.

Back to Yale for the weekend. It's nice to see the girls again and catch up and the money doesn't hurt either.

Some of that was spent buying tickets to



The three of us will be going in July. I bought the tickets for Matt for Father's Day. Haven't given them to him yet, but I'm stoked!

Waking up to three new text messages usually makes me worried in the morning.

Not when you open them and they say this:

I know you're sleeping, but I kinda wish you'd wake up. Also wish I wasn't working so early. I love you so much and I have this whole time. Guess it just scared me, but now I know more than ever that I truly love you and that I can't do this whole "life" thing without you. I love you.

What a nice way to start to the day. I also found this last night but it's only a design on shirts, I want it as a print for Matt.

Phew. It's been a wild week and a half.

Matt and I did finally hang out. We went to grab food, walked around Davis Square and went and saw a movie. I expected him to get in the car and just declare that "Yes, he missed me and wants to be with me". That didn't happen though. He said he was definitely feeling better about life and was almost to the point of being ready to be in a relationship again. We didn't really talk anymore about it and just got caught up on life in general. It was really fun and just made me realize how much I missed him.

He texted me the next day, and ended up coming over that night. I didn't really know what was going to happen. He came in and said I'm ready to do this. I wasn't expecting it. Of course this is what I've wanted for three months but I didn't think it was going to happen. He said he knows he wants to be with me and he wants this to be it. He's been seeing his counselor, which I believe helps immensely. I also kind of want to give his counselor a hug for making him pull his head out of his ass. He was explaining to his roommate yesterday the situation between us and Matt said, "I had this great girl who's smart, beautiful, loves me and is going places in her life and I let her go. I was stupid". That gave me warm fuzzies and I truly believe that he wants this to work.

We talked more about my reservations. I explained to him that I will do this again but that's it. We are working through things when they get tough and not just bailing.

I met with Kate the next day and we talked about things. I was deciphering whether I should tell him about me hooking up with someone while we were broken up. In the end, I decided to tell him. I was feeling sick all day thinking that once he heard he was just going to ask me to leave...but he didn't. He just said okay, I did hang out with a girl for about two weeks but she sucked so nothing happened. I feel much better knowing that we both told each other because I hate having secrets. While it really was none of his business what I did during the break, I couldn't keep it from him. Also why I can never cheat, that shit would just eat me up from the inside out.

Things are going really well. I'm learning to let go of some things, he's putting in the effort and now I'm just enjoying the moments.

Life feels a little surreal right now. I have an extremely busy weekend but I'll write more on Sunday.

I don't want to rehash the details of what happened but when a friend questions your intentions....feelings get hurt. I try to be the best friend/person I can be and of course I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I will openly admit when I did something wrong and apologize.

I don't want to dwell on what was said, what happened. I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I think both sides made mistakes and that's what happens in any relationship. Ups and downs.

Also, can I go here? Please?


I'm spending the night working on my resume and cover letter for an amazing job opportunity that makes me just giddy thinking about the possibilities. It's not going to be an easy gig to get but I'm thinking positive.

I was going to write a post this weekend about friendships and how they take work. Lately I feel like I've been putting in a lot of work for some of my friendships and not getting a fair share back. I didn't write it though because I told myself that we all have busy lives and this is just the point we are at now and I should be grateful for what I do have.

Maybe my subconscious knew something was brewing because I got slapped across the face with it today.

This weekend was a baptism for a little boy whom I consider my nephew. I woke up Saturday not feeling well but told myself I needed to go. I drove over an hour to get there with a stop to cry. I got the the church and watched the baptism and proceeded to the house for a BBQ. Still wasn't feeling good so after about 45 minutes when another friend needed to leave, I also excused myself. I didn't mention why I was leaving, they were both busy. Should I have shot them a message later explaining why I left? Probably. The thought didn't even cross my mind though. My mind was on getting home and going to home to bed. I could understand being upset with me if I skipped out and went to hang out with another friend but that wasn't the case at all.

I texted her this morning to see if she was at work. We usually get online in the mornings and have our few minutes of gossip fest before work but she wasn't online. She replied later with an email explaining that she was hurt. And then went into more details about how she feels the only time I hang out anymore is for a potential boy connection.


I'm still kind of reeling and don't think I can express what I need to right now, so that will be for another day.

I'm still trying to process the last week. Tuesday night I texted Matt asking if we were still going to hang out on Wednesday. I told him what had happened with Brit and how I just needed a hug and to be able to get my mind off things. The whole time we were in a relationship I never really needed him. I wanted him, of course, but this week I did need him.

And then he canceled. Texted me Wednesday saying he had gotten a new emulsion for screen-printing and that he wanted to try it out. The text was littered with smiley faces. I started crying, I was angry, emotional, and upset. We're not dating so it's probably my fault for putting this pressure on him to be there for me but I was hoping there would have been a change. He would have known that I really needed to hang out and would have made me a priority, for once.

He said he wants to go out tomorrow after he gets off of work but I'm not counting on that happening either.

My boss gave me Thursday off and I took Brit to the beach. We talked, lounged and ate some yummy food. She appears to be doing okay.

After writing that last post and feeling somewhat stoked on life, I got kicked in the stomach with more news.

I texted Brit earlier in the day to make sure she was doing okay. She texted me back that she would call me later, things had been pretty hectic. I assumed she was at work, so around 7:30 she finally called.

Her voice was shaky, I knew something was wrong. She had said that she had been in the hospital for a bit.

I thought she miscarried. My heart sank, but I also almost let out a sigh of relief. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person but considering how this situation panned out, it was my first reaction.

The baby was fine. She was not. She took pills Sunday night, couldn't do it anymore. She realized that she would be hurting the baby so called the ambulance almost immediately. They flushed her system but she was still in and out of consciousness.

I don't even know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I wish I could do something, anything but just be there.

It almost feels surreal. I can't even process what would be happening right now if she was successful.

I'm either sick or allergies are kicking my ass. Either way, I don't approve.

I did get some encouraging news. One of the paralegals I work with at my internship said that because of me they have had the most bankruptcy case referrals, which is awesome! She also said the referral paralegal is leaving in the fall to attend law school if I would be interesting in applying for his position. YES! She said over two hundred people applied last time but she would put a good word in for me with the higher ups.

My whole point of becoming a paralegal was to help people, in whatever form I could. This organization does that and more and I could totally seeing myself working there. I'll continue volunteering and see what happens when the position finally opens up.

Another weekend gone. I took a three hour nap today because apparently I don't like to sleep on the weekends.

Friday we went to Providence to celebrate Renee's birthday. We went to Julians, again. I liked their breakfast better but their dinner wasn't too shabby. We went bowling after, and I almost beat all 6 people but I choked on the 8th string. OF COURSE.

Brit and I also had some photo fun in my car before we went out. I need to start taking way more pictures of life. I've been slacking.




Saturday we woke up and got breakfast at Whole Foods. Went shopping, watched movies, napped and then went to AS220 for the Ruiner show. I don't care how cliche or cheesy it is, but this band has really made these past three months bearable. The drummer (whom I didn't know was the drummer because I have no idea who's who in bands) started talking to Brit and I before they went on. We talked a little bit about there experience in China and then I just told him about the past three months and how they are what's gotten me through. He said that's the first time a girl has said that to him, usually it's dudes, hahah. Something about reading their lyrics and realizing that you are not the only miserable person on the planet makes it better. They put on a good show. Not a lot of people were as into them so I actually got to stand pretty close and sing my little heart out.



Today I came back to Boston and took a nice walk to Symphony to grab some sushi at Whole Foods. Lazy day. Matt and I have been texting more and plan to hang out on Wednesday. That should be interesting.

Still haven’t hung out with Matt yet as ‘just friends’. We were both busy last week and this week is proving to be the same. We have texted some but not a whole lot. He did text me yesterday that driving to Newport is not the same without me. I replied that life isn’t the same and he agreed. I’m getting a gut feeling that us hanging out with him continuing to text me that he would eventually like things to work out between us. I could just be pulling that out of left field.

Nicole asked what I thought about the idea of us getting back together. Deep down I’m still in love with him and still care greatly for him. The love I feel for him now is not the same as when we were together and again, I’m not going in to this expecting us to date again. We both made mistakes, nobodys perfect. I do think there is a potential for both of us to change what needed to be fixed and work through it.

I’m really not letting these thoughts consume me though, I’m learning to just let things happen.

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a paralegal. It’s a huge relief knowing that’s out of the way but my associates degree still looms so I’m not entirely out of the woods yet. I did re-write my resume and have started sending it out so let’s hope there is some interest.

I might be making a huge mistake doing this but I'm going to start hanging out with Matt as friends.

After not responding to his texts this weekend I had these overwhelming thoughts of never talking to him again. I couldn't sleep, it was all I thought about.

He lives in Allston now (close) and I told him I'm tired of talking about what happened, we both know how each other feels and I just want to move on. I'm not expecting us to ever get back together and wouldn't right now but I still miss having him as a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like I try and over-analyze everything and I just need to let life happen.

I've been in a funk the past few days but I think I'm getting out of it. I've been missing him like crazy and the thought of never talking to him again has been getting me down. This love bullshit is so ridiculous.

I've also been a little bummed about Justin which is just me being a girl. He is now in another relationship and for one I feel like I'm never going to see him again because he's spending all his time with her, two it was so damn fast and i don't want to see him get hurt right before he deploys. I know we all make choices when it comes to love and some of them are not the smartest. I just hope for him that it works out and I still get to see my friend.

Things I need to focus on right now:
-Writing a new resume
-Getting an actual job
-Saving for Texas and Spain



photo from weheartit.com

Today is grumpy day. I don't know why, probably because on days like today I really miss having someone to do something with. Everyone else is out with their significant others and I'm sweating inside my apartment. He texted me again this weekend and I ignored it. It was extremely hard. :(

I went to see Comeback Kid/Title Fight/Set Your Goals/Make Do and Mend/Soul Control yesterday. Another amazing show. I've never seen a crowd response quite like that. I told the boys I was with that if Set Your Goals played To Be Continued for their last song I would go in and sing. They played it, we all went in. I'm feeling it today...I'm so old.

I no longer have another human in my bed. Yay! My bed crasher is gone and it feels nice. I don't know if I'll ever meet another person who is like Greg. The kid is fascinating and has provided me with a good amount of entertainment over the last month but he also drove me up the wall so I'm not sad he's gone. He's was going to live with us permanently but apparently he has moved on to sharing another room with someone else.

I had my 'hang-out' last night with Brian. I asked him out so I don't know if it was considered a date? We had a lot of fun, mostly talking about Greg, haha. He seems like a good kid so more hangouts will probably be in order.

This week has crawled by. School is coming to an end and I'm burning out. I'm actually skipping class today to work on homework which I should probably go do so I get it done.

Deleted his number.

Have a date this week.

Moving on.

I don't even know how to sum up this weekend. There was lot's of dancing. There was some alcohol. There was vegan breakfast with friends. There was random adventures. There was new friends that were met. There were tears.

One of my adventures was hanging out with these dudes



I was sitting at Justin's house and he was talking with his friend Emily. He said he was sad because he wasn't able to go to a show with her and she didn't want to go by herself, so I told him I would go if she wanted, I had nothing else going on. Come to find out, she is dating the singer from Four Year Strong. I'm not one to fall over 'celebrities' so them being a big band didn't really do anything for me but it was interesting to see the event from a backstage perspective.

Then more texts from Matt which just resulted in more tears. I just need to stop responding.

Woke up this morning to two texts from Matt.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.




Source

Right now I was supposed to be in a car, driving with the windows down through smelly Jersey on my way to Delaware. Needless to say, I'm sitting in my apartment looking out at the rain clouds.

I took my car in to the dealership on Tuesday because the check engine light was on. They charged me $95 to look at the damn thing and then told me my car needed $2000 worth of work. I was grumpy. Being that I have very limited funds right now I decided it was in my best interest not to go to Delaware this weekend. One being money and two being that I didn't want my car to explode. My car is now sitting in a different shop, hoping for a different outcome of how much it will cost to fix it.

I also went vegan this week. Dun dun dun. I've been thinking of making the switch for awhile, and finally decided it's what I want to do. I don't have any interest in converting anybody, I don't care what other people eat, I made this decision for myself. My roommate decided he wanted to start in on me but quickly changed his tune when the other people he talked to pretty much agreed with me. I loved every minute of it, I'm not going to lie.

My weekends need to stop being so fun because I'm running out of the funds to keep them going. Friday night Brit, Renee, and I decided to go to Hell and dance. We walked in to Big D and the Kids Table playing which was a nice surprise. After they were done we got to dancing. We danced by ourselves and with this group of guys during the night. One of them turned out to be pretty cool and just so happens to know Greg. I told him we should go grab beers sometime.

Saturday the three of us drove to Worcester. The whole ride there we listened to these boys



They make me extremely happy. Saturday night we went to another show. That was a lot of fun as well. Ran into a guy I went out on a date with last summer. We chatted for a few and it wasn't entirely awkward. Tried to go to Hell again that night but couldn't get in because one of the kids we were with was wearing shorts. We just went back to Brit's, hung out and then I came home and crashed. I'm only working today this week and then I'm driving to Delaware this weekend to see my friend. Yay!

Matt texted me yesterday, asking if I had heard from Kevin about the shirts. I told him that I asked someone else to do it and he went off the deep end. Saying I apparently want him to suffer and how could I do this to him, I don't want to get back together.......and then he said since I'm doing so well he's going to fuck off and die. Nice, right? I thought I kept myself collected during the exchange. I laughed during some parts because it was so dramatic but it also makes me sad. Something is obviously not going well in his life and maybe he just needs to take his frustration out on me. He sent me another text this morning about listening to H20's song "Unconditional". I didn't end up listening to it but I read the lyrics, and then started to shed some tears in class. I hate it.

Needless to say Ruiner was on repeat again all day. Thought I was ready to move on to happier music but he just keeps digging the knife in.

It's getting easier and easier. I'm kind of restless in life right now though. I feel like I need a change. Whether that be apartments or city, I don't know. I don't want him to be the reason I move but I might just need to get away from Boston for a year or so. Or I might not leave at all.

Picture from weheartit.com

I should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as just sending an email.

After I sent the email I texted my friend that I just wrote Matt a good-bye email and I was tired. :( Because my brain was mush and I was in Matt mode I ended up sending him that text. Ooof. I told him that was meant for a friend, sorry. He said wow, be sure to get me that artwork and have fun with your new boyfriend.

And that's when I flipped my shit. I replied, "you need to stop thinking about yourself for once. You left me with no other option but to say goodbye. You left me hanging. This is all on you. Greg is not nor will he ever be my boyfriend. This isn't about that. This is about you treating me like an asshole. Don't tell me to get you the artwork. I'm doing YOU a favor but fuck that. I'll tell Kevin he should have someone else do it. I was being nice but fuck you Matt."

He said sorry, I'm just sad. I told him I've been sad for two months and he hasn't given two shits....and that was the end of the conversation. Do I feel like I have closure? I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm glad I've finally had a say in this. I've been keeping my mouth shut way too much and I needed to let it out. Will I be contacting him again? No. Will he try and contact me? I have no idea. And if he does I have no idea what I will do. I say I'm done with him but I will always care about him, he was my first love.

I sent Matt an e-mail just now. I needed to say good-bye.

Matt-

I probably shouldn't be writing this e-mail but I need too. I need to share what's on my mind and be done with it.

For some reason I thought going to your apartment last Thursday would be a good idea. I would either get closure on this whole deal or you would have magically decided that you made a huge mistake and wanted me back in your life. Obviously neither of those things happened.

You keep saying that you want to be with me but you can't right now. I don't understand this logic. Either you 100 percent want to be with me and no matter what the circumstances are, will be with me, or you don't. It's unfair to me to be in this position of uncertainty.

This is has been the hardest thing I have gone through. You have hurt me more than I can describe, and yet, I will always care about you. After leaving your apartment Thursday I was numb. As a person who didn't do anything wrong, getting treated like I was a pile of shit was hard to swallow. If one day you wake up and think that you want to be with me and make it work then let me know. I'm not waiting anymore though, I need to move on with my life. I can't just be friends with you, as much as that kills me. It is either all or nothing, so if it never gets back to that point then I can't talk to you.

This is me saying good-bye Matt. The time I spent with you and the boy will never be forgotten. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whatever that may be.

-Heather

I've been thinking about Matt a lot this week. I don't necessarily know why, because apparently I love to make myself feel like a bag of shit.

I ended up texting Matt yesterday and went to his house for dinner. I don't even want to talk about what was said because it was the same old shit he's been saying forever. Wants to be with but can't. I'm so fucking tired of hearing it.

He learned that Greg was sharing a room with me and turned into a total dickbag. He said if there was even a glimmer of us getting back together it's now ruined by him. Excuse me? You and I are not dating therefore you really have no say what I'm doing. ALSO, as much as I had a crush on Greg things are just not going to go down that road which I'm perfectly fine with. Us sleeping in the same bed does not equal we have sex. I left his apartment, stormed out. I have done nothing wrong yet I still can't let go of the douchebag.

I'm tired. I was doing so well but I've never felt like I've gotten closure. I still don't feel like I have closure.

What I want to do this summer (in no particular order)

















-Whitewater rafting
-Weekend trip to NYC
-A camping trip
-Whale watching
-Spain
-Maine/Acadia National Park
-Paintballing
-Red Sox Game


All photos from weheartit.com

Lot's to catch up on!

Greg came up on Wednesday (Thursday?) night to hang out and chat more about him crashing here. We went and grabbed dinner and it was decided that he was going to move in. We came back, watched Lost for a bit and then when I was getting tired we cuddled. While cuddling he told me to turn around to hug him, which I did, and then he kissed me. We kissed for a bit more and the topic of me liking him came up. He said he thought I was attractive and liked me too but didn't want to be in a relationship right now and would be a shitty boyfriend. At that point I kind of said meh in my head. I'm not going to put anymore effort into it if that's how he feels. Been there/done that. Doesn't mean I still won't cuddling, that never killed anybody. He met Heather that night and instantly started me asking all kinds of questions about her and why I'm skeptical of her now. He seemed very intrigued by her and being a dude I'm sure he wants to get to know her better to make me jealous, but it won't, I just might think he's an idiot.

Friday we went to the Celtics game. We sat in the nosebleeds, drank a way overpriced beer and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Came home and crashed.

Saturday I helped him move stuff from his apartment in Providence to a storage unit down the street. We stopped at Brit's apartment after and drove around for a good three hours singing terribly out of tune and way too loud. I love days like that. Came back to Boston and rode with Greg to Cambridge to get some ice cream. Once we got back to the apartment again, Heather invited us back out for another bike ride. I declined, just because I don't enjoy the company she rides with, but told Greg to go for it. He asked if I would be made if I went. I told him of course not, and I'm really not. I think it's great for him to go out and meet new people in Boston. Just because I have a not so great opinion about these people doesn't mean I'm going to be angry if he hangs out with them. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

I went out with Jasmine and Chad, some people I met when I was tanked with Justin on St. Patty's Day. We had a few drinks at the Model. It's always nice to get out and meet new people, dance a little bit and tell entirely too much information about yourself in one night. Chad wants to take me on a Q'doba date and while I don't necessarily see myself dating him, I would be stupid to pass up a quesadilla.

Today was spent on the Cape and at a beach. I don't think of a better way to spend Easter. I went with Justin, we flew a kite, dipped my toes in the freezing ocean, walked along the beach and talked about boys, girls and how we are all stupid.









Drinking a corona and getting ready for the upcoming week. Lot's of hangouts with friends, a tattoo appointment and a girls night. It should be fun :)

I love that life throws you unexpected things your way, at least when those things could potentially be good.

Justin and I went to the movies last night and after the movie I turn my phone on to see a text from Greg that says I'm fucked. I asked him why and he said that his roommate is moving out and he has to be out of his apartment by the 10th and has nowhere to go. This is the part where a normal person would respond that sucks, but not me. NO, not me. I responded with if you need a place to crash, feel free to crash at my place. We talked back and forth for a bit and he might actually do it! He also asked if I cuddled, ohhhh, I cuddle alright.

I feel like this is crazy but you only live once and life is too short to be boring and safe. Life might juts be getting more interesting after all.

The weekends are such a tease, no work, no school. Just how life should be. Back to reality tomorrow so I need to soak in today.

Friday I drug Brit out to Lowell to go see a show. I've been listening to so much more hardcore since the break-up, plus I just wanted to get out of the house. We had a good time talking, she's a good date.

Saturday I poked around the apartment, texted Greg around 3 to see if we were still meeting up. I went to Providence around 7 to see him. We drove around looking for places to eat, ended up at a Mexican place but the wait was 50 minutes so we decided against that. Ended up at AS220. Brit took me here for the first time about a month and a half ago, I've since been back three times. Nice little place with good food and old time sodas.


Greg really liked it too. We talked about life, past relationships. It was a nice chat. Also went to the movies but since I don't have a tv I really don't know what's in theaters anymore. He recommended:

I was extremely skeptical but he kept saying it had gotten good reviews so I went with it. I am so glad I did. I laughed throughout the entire movie. I drove him home after, he asked when he was going to see me next. :) No kisses though, I'm such a baby when it comes to this stuff. I'm also in no rush (actually I kind of am, he's so good looking) but I also want to make sure it's not just me who has these feelings. He texted me as I was driving back to Boston that he had a good time, I'm a sweet girl and to drive safe.

I'm off to Nicole's house today. Old friends of hers are coming over and I'm crashing the party. We might even play some Chatroulette bingo, I sure as hell hope so!

Justin and I went for sushi on Wednesday night. Nothing like avocado rolls to make this girl happy. We came back, he made a cake (ha!) and watched a movie. Bringing up the whole 'what are we' topic was a little weird but I told him that since we both just got out of relationships this would probably be best as just a friendship thing. He totally agreed, he's going to be gone training a lot in the next few months and then deploying. We still agreed to go on lot's of adventures. He's a good dude so I definitely want to remain friends. He also brought me a Guns up record and hoodie so I am forever indebted to him.

Greg had to cancel tonight but we are possibly hanging out tomorrow. I also scored tickets to the Celtics game next Friday and invited him. Judging by the amount of !!!!!!'s used in his text reply he seems really excited to go. I've never been to a Celtic's game or any professional basketball game so I'm wicked pumped too. Even if the seats are shitty we will still have fun.

I'm not feeling too hot today, I don't know if it's the weather or eating too much french toast last night but I feel blah. I didn't go to class and didn't go to my internship. To make myself feel better I bought this:


I can't wait for it to arrive. With that, it's back to homework. Summer cannot come soon enough.

My life with boys was nothing short of boring before Matt and it's proving to be the same after.

Juggling two boys is not something I'm good at, I feel like one of them is going to get hurt, maybe all of us. I'm not tied down right now though so this is the point of my life when I should be doing this. Have to put yourself out there and if you end up getting hurt, at least you tried.

I'm hanging out with Justin on Wednesday, we are having a sushi 'date'/hangout? Justin and I have done more than just friends do, but at this point I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends. We've both recently gone through break-ups, he's going overseas for at least a year in August and I think that would just set us both up for disappointment.

I've been laying low with Greg seeing if he would contact me and he did. He texted me today wondering when we are going to hang out next. I told him Friday since my week is booked. He thought that was too far away but what can you do. This week shall prove to be interesting, that's for damn sure!

Matt texted me out of the blue yesterday, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and the boy. I wanted to throw up immediately, seeing his name just gives me that reaction. It was a beautiful yesterday and he wanted to know if I wanted to come to Castle Island. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, especially seeing the boy. I also asked if he had been thinking this week. He said yes but that he thought I already made up my mind. I told him I had no other choice, hanging on was hurting me too much. I told him he knows what he needs to do remedy this situation and this was on all him. In no way does that mean I'm still waiting for him, I've moved on. Also doesn't mean I would give him another chance but he knows what he needs to do for that to even be a possibility.

Greg ended up making it to show. We left for a bit and grabbed some food and then came back and hung out. I didn't want to come on too strong, he's so god damn good looking he could get any girl he wants. It's rather annoying. I figure if he is interested then maybe he should have to work a little bit :P

Got tattooed this morning, did 4 more outlines of postcards. The sleeve is finally coming together and after coloring these in, there isn't much room left for anything. Might go to the bar tonight with Nikki, that should be interesting.

Apparently the key for me to not think about Matt is to put my energy into different people. That doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right away but hanging out with new people just takes my mind off of him.

St. Patrick's day I met up with a friend on Nicole's at a bar in downtown. He was there with three of his friends. I had a lot of fun, drank some Irish car bombs and too many coronas. Tonight is the show which another friend is supposedly coming too. We texted back and forth yesterday and he was bummed on life/girls so I told him not to feel pressure to come. Last night right before bed he said he was going to come again. Boys.

It should be a fun weekend, I'm getting tattooed tomorrow and then seeing one of my favorite bands, Guns up, on Sunday. Plus the weather is supposed to be good. AHHHH I love Spring.

Monday afternoon, after jury duty, I came home and started picking up my room. While getting things organized I found a Christmas ornament. This jogged my memory into reminding myself that I left all of my ornaments in Matt's closest at his apartment. The only thing I left there. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Normally I would just consider them a wash but all of my childhood ornaments were in there, pretty much the only mementos I have from that time of my life. I felt like my only option was to contact him and see if I could get them back at some point.

I texted him Monday explaining the situation, no response. I texted him later that night saying that if he got my first text could he at least respond with an okay, no response. I called him Tuesday morning assuming he was going to be at work in which case I would leave a voicemail. It rang and rang but never kicked it over to voicemail. At this point I got worried and thoughts of him potentially hurting himself went through my brain. I was keeping in contact with Nicole and she insisted on calling his work, disguising herself, just to check to make sure he was in fact still alive. Irrational, I know, but with things he has said previously to me and him being potentially depressed, I needed to make sure. He answered but couldn't hear Nicole so she didn't even have to make up some elaborate story, but at least I knew he was there. Then the fact that he is probably just ignoring me came to be. I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if he responds, if not, I might e-mail him.

I think for me to really get over him, stop thinking about him and moving on is to start meeting and hanging out with new people. So that's what I'm going to do! Tonight to celebrate the fact that I am not Irish but I can pretend, I'm going to a bar in downtown with one of Nicole's friends. He just so happened to break up with his girlfriend this past weekend. Break ups everywhere! We will go drown our sorrows with some Irish car bombs. Who wouldn't want to hang out with us? Friday, I invited this boy whom I've had a secret crush on forever, to come out to a show at the skatepark. He agreed, so let's see if it actually happens.

I feel like it's been raining for weeks when in reality it's only been days. It's been non-stop for days, not nice rain. Brutal rain. It's now raining in my bedroom. Landlord better come and fix that soon.



Even though I feel better, I still constantly think about him. I wonder when the day will come that I don't. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he knows he made a mistake or is genuinely happy that we are no longer together. I try not to think about these things but I do. I'm ready for the day when these thoughts are not a part of me anymore.

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Friday and Saturday have been a success. Friday I had some work to do at the courthouse downtown as part of my interning. They kept introducing me as a paralegal and it took me by surprise that this is finally happening. In a few months I will actually be a paralegal. Then I do a little happy dance on the inside because weeeee! I met a cute lawyer that works the program I am also working with. I hope it's okay to secretly wish that we will someday be in the office together even though he's probably 9 years older than me. I'm going back to the courthouse this Friday to do some family law stuff which I am very excited about. Right now I'm feeling pulled into that area of the law.

Friday night included a hardcore show. I love going from being in a buttoned-up professional environment to this.



Hardcore show also included cute boys, one in particular. Can never have too many cute boys in your life. Another nice night to get out and have a few drinks and become ultra giggly with Nicole.

Today I went and hung out with Brit again. While we were going through our very similar break-up situation together, hers has now taken a turn that mine will not. I know she will come through it and I really want to be there to support her. We are SO similar, it's eerie, the way we think about life and the way we treat people. I know she will be okay.

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I feel like this past month of my emotional roller coaster is finally coming to an end.

Talking with him last night really showed me that he isn't putting forth the effort that is needed right now. I have given him plenty of time and space, held onto every ounce of hope that things would work out. After writing the post this morning and thinking more about it, I had to tell Matt that I was stepping away. I feel sad, sad that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. Sad that these two people whom I cared and loved deeply will not be a part of my future. I'm excited for the future though, for meeting new people and going on new adventures. It's still hard but I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was exactly a month ago. I'm letting go on my terms. I wished him the best and hope he gets the help that he needs.

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I texted Matt on Monday. Called him yesterday. No replies to both. Kind of said fuck it in my head and went about my day. He called back last night while I was sleeping. I answered, I asked him about my text Monday and how I would appreciate it if he would answer my texts, especially when I ask a question, which I did. He said he was sorry. I don't know, I'm kind of getting tired. I'm done chasing, if he wants to be with me then he will make the effort too.

Then we discussed why I called him in the first place, Thursday night. He had to re-do one of the hoodies for me and I suggested coming to his place Thursday night to pick it up. He said he was going to be in Boston around noon on Thursday so he would just drop it by, clearly not wanting me to come over Thursday night. Again, fuck it. I told him that he said we could start slowly progressing our relationship and I feel like we are just going backwards. Going to let him be the one to decide when to do something next.

I'm going to enjoy my weekend and I have some awesome new clothes coming in the mail.

After texting back and forth for a bit last night with Matt he said part of me wants to invite you over. I told him that maybe that part should, although he wondered if it would be a bad idea. I told him that if he wants things to work again between us I saw no harm in hanging out for a few hours. He said okay...leave now. So I did.

I got there and didn't really plan to talk about us but eventually the conversation flowed into that. We decided together that things need to start slowly progressing in the next few weeks to build back up our relationship and make it better than before. Then he made me snuggle with him and it was the best 30 minutes of snuggling I've ever had. Truly did not realize how much I would miss that until i didn't have it anymore.

I'm hopeful that things will work out the way they need to. I think this was a wake up call for him and showed him that I truly truly love him and the boy. Bit by bit everything will fall into place and I just need to enjoy the ride, as hard as that is sometimes.

Today was filled with sunshine

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and movies



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and gift certificates from a sister to a lovely cupcake shop down the street.



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Have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not going to think about my love life and just let things happen. I go back and forth so much and this blog is my diary so I can recount how crazy my thoughts are, but I just need to stop thinking about it. While writing this he texted me to see how I'm doing. GAH. I haven't texted him for days so maybe he really is trying to make an effort.

I'm spending my Saturday night puppy sitting. What an exciting life I lead. As much as the puppy can be a little asshole I'm excited to spend the evening in an apartment with heat and cable. I enjoy the simple things in life.

Last night I came out the skate park for a show. It was probably one of the best shows I've been too in awhile. Thoroughly enjoyed all of the bands and have some downloading of music to do.

Also got to talking more with John and Nicole about my situation and how they think I'm not making the smartest choice. They don't want to see me get strung along and John being a dude knows how other dudes think. They are right and I'm only doing this for a few weeks and then our relationship needs to start progressing again. Nicole has also found the next boy with whom I should be set up with it. I haven't completely said no to this idea, and the kid is somebody I would definitely be interested in. Matt and I had the agreement of not seeing or hooking up with other people while we are on this break but if I don't start seeing some sort of effort on his part, I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Met my friend Kate after work last night for some Mexican food. Kate is amazing, the kind of friend you want in your corner. She wanted to get caught up and make sure I was okay. Apparently her husband was also worried about me. They have done a lot for me during this process as have all of my friends. Since I have no family around, my friends are my family and mean the world to me.

Kate and I got talking about the latest news and I asked her if she had ever had her heart broken. I knew Michael was pretty much her first relationship. She said that in the first year of dating Michael they actually broke up. This is something I did not know so I was very intrigued. She broke up with him for a few months, they continued to talk during that time and they finally got back together because they both knew they couldn't live without each other. Awww. It was nice talking about that and realizing that these things do happen and sometimes you come out even stronger than before.

Picked up hoodies from Matt last night outside his work. Driving there and any time I have seen him in the past three weeks I get an instant urge to vomit. He comes walking out and my heart just races, he is so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.

He sat in my car and we talked some more about life. We laughed and joked around...things between us seemed better. Not as tense, not as emotional. I mentioned to him that a new vegan cafe opened in Davis Square and he said maybe someday he will take me there and buy me dinner. That would be nice.

There is something about this boy that I can't explain and it's not something I've had with anybody else. Even as a teenager in high school I didn't date, I never saw the point. Nobody held my interest long enough. My first boyfriend was at the age of 19 and even then, that was a shit show. I've been on countless dates with countless guys and even joked with my friends about writing a book about them. They accounted for a lot of laughs. This one is different and because this one is different I can't let him go that easy. I'm sure some people think I should just move on and forgot about this and hanging on is pathetic, and I probably would too if I wasn't in the situation. Until you are, it's so hard to know what to do.

This hasn't been easy but I feel I have a pretty level head on my shoulders when it comes to most things and at this point I think I'm doing the right thing. Time will only tell.

I'm ready for the weekend, it's supposed to be sunny and possibly hitting 50 degrees. And my morning would not be complete without stopping at this place first. Not for the donuts, but for the coffee. Boston has converted me, I don't think I could live without it now.


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**For all two of you who subscribe to me in reader, I changed my url so you might want to update that**

That accurately describes how I feel life is going at the moment. I talked to Matt last night. I just needed to know that in his heart, when all is said and done, he does want to be with me. If he was questioning it then I would have needed to move on.

He said he wants to be with me but right now he can't be. I can either move on or wait this out and see what happens. He has this cycle in his life where he starts dating someone, things going really well-he gets comfortable-and then they go to shit. He doesn't want to be like this anymore which is why he broke up with me before things became even more serious and my feelings would have been more hurt. He needs to work on himself and has been doing so the past few weeks, he feels a little better in his finances and his car situation was taken care of.

Our communication needed to be addressed because we obviously were not on the same page. I told him I didn't want to talk for a month a few days ago but I don't really want to go that long without talking, neither does he. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week for now, potential moving up to seeing one another in a month or so.

I feel better. It's still a roller coaster but at least I know for sure that he does want to be with me in the end and now we just have to move through this gross phase.

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I was so excited to change my calendar last night from February to March. Good-bye to the worst month of my life, I'm ready for a new one.

I'm ready for the weather to start getting a little nicer. I really can't take this raining for a week straight, but it is better than snow.



I'm keeping myself busy this month with tattoo appointments, going to shows (Guns up!), jury duty and lot's of girls nights.

March is going to be okay, I can feel it.

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I wasn't able to fully talk to Matt yet but I think we are just going to take a month of not talking to one another and see what happens from there. It will take the pressure off of both of us, he can focus on what he needs to work on and I won't be checking my phone every hour seeing if tried contacting me. One day at a time.

Before dating Matt I was very independent, didn’t need a guy to make me happy, could stand on my own two feet. While I am still very much that person he made me happier and a better version of myself. I don’t know if I was the same for him. After only talking to him this week through about six texts, all of them involving screen-printing, I think I can safely say that maybe he doesn’t want to work on this. This was hard for me to come to grips with and I needed to know for myself that I tried but I can only try so much. If the other person involved doesn’t want to try, then I need to move on.

That’s what I’m going to do. I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, who thinks the world of me and would do anything for me. He was that way for a little bit but then it stopped and I don’t want it to ever stop. With me stepping out of his life I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and learns to love himself. Learn that life isn’t about money or lack thereof. Life is about family and the people in it, the times you share together. I hope the next person he becomes involved with will love him the way I did and love that little boy as much as anyone could. I must not be that person and while that was hard to swallow, I’ve come to that conclusion. For myself, my feelings, my life, I need to see what else is out there. I’m going to focus on school and getting my career started. Make plans with friends to travel and see the world.

These past few months have been some of the greatest and some of the hardest. While I don’t want to forget about them, looking back is tough. I still can’t look at pictures without crying and I’m sure I won’t be able to for awhile. Those boys were an important part of my life and they taught me a lot about myself and how great love can be.


(I'm going to talk to him about this tonight but right now this is what I'm feeling. Who knows what will happen)

Another rough day, I do not think this forecast of rain forever is helping either. After talking with Matt on Sunday I felt good. I texted him Monday a question about the screenprint jobs and then left him be. Nothing else was said that day. I texted him twice yesterday (Tuesday) and no response. I'm frustrated, hurt, and this roller coaster of emotions I'm on is getting old. I'm tired. I know we are taking space and time apart but even just a two second reply to a text message would make my day and night so much better. We'll see what he says.

I kept myself pretty busy this weekend yet still had some down time. It was nice. On Friday I met up with my friend Brit who had started dating her boyfriend when Matt and I started dating. I sent her a message after Matt and I broke up and come to find out, her boyfriend did the same thing to her. We went out to a Hookah lounge in Providence and talked the rest of the night away. It was nice to be with someone going through pretty much the exact same situation, giving each other advice, while bitching about how stupid these dudes are.

Saturday morning I went chair hunting with Nicole, unsuccessfully. We will keep trying though! Saturday night Heather wanted me to go to dinner and get drinks with some director and film guys she is friends with. I didn't want to because I'm really into wanting to be a hermit but I agreed. We went and had pizza and then went for drinks. I really didn't drink but they did which provided some entertainment for me, along with the cover band that had me laughing so hard it hurt.


Sunday I met Kate and Michael, went and grabbed lunch and to the movies. I told them the situation with Matt and I and even they didn't know what they would do. Nobody wants to see me get hurt again, neither do I. I feel what I'm doing is right though, except we did forget to talk about something on Thursday. When couples go on 'breaks' that usually means the people can go hook-up with other people with no problem. I needed to clear this over with Matt because this was not happening. I called him last night to clear this up....I was afraid he was going to disagree, I don't know why, that is not the type of person he is. He just said obviously and kind of chuckled about it. Just said I needed to make sure and then we talked about the weekend and work. Getting my haircut this Saturday along with a girls night, now I just need to make it through the week.


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I had yesterday off of work so I sat in my room cleaning the whole day and going over what I was going to say to Matt. I rehearsed it, didn't cry, knew what I was going to say. I felt like I needed to tell him how I was feeling, go with my heart. My brain and heart having been telling me two different things this week and the heart won.

The talk almost didn't go down but after driving to Braintree, back to Boston and then back to Matt's apartment, it did. I just threw it out there that after thinking this week I love him too much to just let him go so easy. I'm willing to work on the things I can, support him while he gets help and start re-building. I needed to know if he was willing to do that or if I needed to be out of his life.

He said he's willing to work on things and he wants to be with me he just knows that he can be a better boyfriend and wants to make sure that happens first. We are still going to be taking time apart and have some space, but still keep in contact with each other. He asked when school is out this year and I said May. He wants May to potentially be the point where we can really start going ahead with things again. Then we just continued to talk for 2 hours about life and how we have both been miserable for the past week.

I'm optimistic that things will turn around and we can start an even better relationship. I asked if maybe next weekend I could come over and we could cook dinner with the boy and he agreed. Definitely taking things slow but I might actually be able to sleep at night now.

Today has been tough. Got to work and got slammed with running out again to get my boss Starbucks, a sick baby, having to deal with a playdate and know a baby won't sleep. Plus I'm seeing Matt tomorrow. I have money to give him from some screenprint jobs he is doing for me.

I just want to talk to him so bad. To see if we could start over, do things different. I realized this week that doing so much for him actually pushed him away, wish he would have told me that sooner because I would have stopped. I also think we spent too much time together. The only time I had to myself was when I was doing homework. I should have continued going out with friends on Friday night or doing something for myself Saturday. I want to talk but I'm afraid he's already done, and in other ways I just wish I could be done.

Matt called me last night to tell me the news he had found out about his taxes. While I was happy he called, it also stung a little bit. He sounded happy, like nothing was wrong, while my heart just sank. I texted him later that night saying while I want to support him in any way I can, I also need to think of myself. I asked him if he thought there would be a future for us because if not, I needed to take some time and not be communicating with him. He said he wouldn't be opposed to that and space really can heal pain. He also said he doesn't know what the future holds unfortunately. So for now, for my feelings and for me to really move on I can't talk to him.

Who does know what the future holds but it isn't fair to me to be communicating with him holding on to that one thought that maybe we would get back together someday. This relationship is over. I need to accept that, as much as it hurts, and move on. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get back to normal and I'll probably still have moments where it just hurts but that's okay.

I miss him, intensely. I just want to call him to hear his voice or see him and get a hug. I've never felt this way before and I never want to feel this way again. My chest hurts, sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want to go to sleep and wake up 2 months from now.

I can't sleep, tonight was rough. I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted but my brain won't shut off. The talk with Matt was hard but it was needed, I actually feel a tiny bit better.

When I first got there I handed him the bag of clothes and toys I had been getting A for Valentine's Day. I can't think about him without crying, so I don't. We then hugged and cried, it was so nice hugging him again.

He isn't happy with himself, or the way he is acting right now. He feels like he has put to much pressure on my to do things..i.e. take A to his Mom's house on Sunday. I've never really told him before but I like that time with A. When it's just us two in my car, telling ridiculous knock knock jokes to each other until we are both laughing so hard or playing I-Spy (even though I've explained to him 100 times it's so hard to play I-Spy in a car going 70 mph :p). He wants to get back to being as self reliant as he was before he met me and I can understand that.

He said this wasn't the end. He just needs some time to get better himself so he can be the boyfriend he wants to be. That doesn't mean I'm getting my hopes up that we will ever get back together. I'm going to take it one day at a time, I'll be there for him when he needs me while he will do the same. If things progress and we want to give it another shot then we will. If not, I hope we can be friends. To make things not as confusing for A, I'm just going to not be around for a few weeks and then we will all go to dinner or something. That way he knows I'm still here and I love him.

Going out dancing tonight, hoping it gets my mind off of things...I know it will. If nothing else Nicole and I can sit at the bar at people watch.

So this is what it feels like to get broken up with. 3 days before Valentine's day, when everything around me is all about love, hearts, kisses and bullshit. He was honestly my first love and now here I am. I got involved with someone who had a 3 year old, I opened myself up for the both of them. Loved them until it hurt, and now I've lost both in the same day.

I set my alarm extra early this morning so I could text him something cute before he went into work. At the exact same moment I sent my text, I got one from him. Pretty much said we need to talk, I've been thinking. I called him, I was going to wait until tonight to talk but I knew what was coming. I didn't want to have that pukey feeling all day, I'd rather know. He just said he's not happy, with himself. I'm doing everything right but he needs to work on himself before he is in a relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but it still doesn't make it easier. He said he still loves me, and I obviously still love him. Feelings just don't go away in a day. I'm meeting him tonight so we can talk in person and then life goes on.

Guess I spoke to soon about everything being okay with Matt.

We were texting back and forth yesterday morning after our normal wake up texts. I told him, just to let you know, Nicole and I are planning on going dancing Friday. Now normally when I tell him I'm going to do something with the girls he says, great, have fun! This time he just wrote back okay. This is also the first week that he has Friday and Saturday off so I texted him asking if he had any plans for us. He said nope. At that point I started to feel bad so I asked if he minded if I went.I should have just dropped it, but my feelings took over. He responded with I don't mind if you go. Do what you want. Was probably just going to sit home anyways.

This is when I thought, hmm...he doesn't want me to go. I over-analyzing everything, so I said I can go another weekend, I know you have Friday off. And then he blew up. Omg Heather! Just go!! I'm not a baby! I can handle being alone!!! That pretty much ended our conversation for the day. I was just trying to take his feelings into account, I know he can handle being alone but again, this was the first Friday and Saturday he's had off. I left it alone but texted him a few hours later saying that I was meeting with the Dean of my college tomorrow to talk about one of my Professors, and nothing. Not even an I hope it goes well.

I went to dinner last night with Kate and throughout dinner we were talking about it and I got my hopes up that he was going to call or text. 2 hours we sat there and still nothing. Came home, started painting that damn desk again, maybe he'll text me goodnight. Nope. Once again, going to bed with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't texted him since and don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me.

I don't know if he's going through something and just doesn't want to share. It's now day three of not really talking and it's all I think about. I've been crying all day, yesterday, last night, at the restaurant. I do so much for him and the boy. I love him more than I have loved anybody else in my life excluding my family. I'm just feeling very un-appreciated and un-wanted right now and I can't live like that. I realize people get depressed and in funks but you can't just not talk to your girlfriend for three days, because now I think it's all my fault when I really didn't do anything wrong. I need a little text during the day saying, hey hope your day is going well! or miss you! Something that lets me know that he actually is thinking about me. Eventually when I do talk to him I'm going to lay it out and if things don't change then I need to re-evaluate if this is the right thing for me.

So now the waiting begins, I'm not getting my hopes up for talking to him today.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on here is bitch. I feel like that is what a blog is good for though, bitching on it when I really don't want to bitch at other people. Getting my feelings out when I can't talk.

I know I pretty much only talk bad about Matt on here but he obviously is awesome or else I still wouldn't be with him. I just feel like we got thrown into this crazy relationship and have to work through it more so than other relationships. It's not easy going from being single to being a girlfriend and a 'step-mom'. That little boy puts this relationship into it's own category and while we don't ever fight about him, we always have to think about what we are doing and how it will affect him.

I talked with him yesterday and I was right, he just needed space. I didn't really feel like I was smothering him considering I had only seen him for Friday night and Saturday morning, but that's his deal. His work has been stressful lately, he's worried about money and his car is giving him problems. Add me in the that equation and I think he just shut down. So stepping back for awhile, not going to text as much or stay over. The texting is hard though because when I'm at work I have nothing else to do but just think and text. Maybe I need to start leaving my phone in the car or something, and switching gears.

Found this website today and the drawings are cracking me up. These are from Married to the Sea.

Sitting here typing as I'm waiting for paint to dry on my desk, got a itch to paint it today. $37 later (!!!)....the cats are also helping me, so I'm sure my bright green desk with have black cat hairs speckled throughout. Oh well.

The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm getting into somewhat of a routine with working 4 days a week and school 5 days a week. Still meeting with the criminal defense attorney, drafted up a few letters for him. Hopefully this Friday I will be meeting with an organization here in Boston, I think it might become a weekly thing and I'm very very excited for the opportunity.

Matt and I are doing okay. I'm starting to realize maybe I am spending and dedicating to much time to him. It's so hard because I love spending time with him and the boy but I also need to focus on me and what I need to do. His apartment has heat and cable which is so very tempting during these winter months. Today he told me that me being there without him makes him feel anxious and that he needs to rush home. I tried explaining to him that I really don't mind when he's not there and I've never told him he needed to rush home and see me. I don't mind being there without him. I understand he needs to do things, but he still feels anxious so I'm going to back off a bit. Hence why I'm painting today.

I did get tattooed Friday, the sleeve is a few more sittings away from being done. Yay! I think I've been working on it for 3 years now, I'm ready for it to be DONE. Already have my plans for the next sleeve and my ribs and feet, if only I was a millionaire.

(Thanks for the feedback on the last post. I don't know who you guys are but I do appreciate it, especially from an outsiders perspective, so thanks!)