My life with boys was nothing short of boring before Matt and it's proving to be the same after.

Juggling two boys is not something I'm good at, I feel like one of them is going to get hurt, maybe all of us. I'm not tied down right now though so this is the point of my life when I should be doing this. Have to put yourself out there and if you end up getting hurt, at least you tried.

I'm hanging out with Justin on Wednesday, we are having a sushi 'date'/hangout? Justin and I have done more than just friends do, but at this point I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends. We've both recently gone through break-ups, he's going overseas for at least a year in August and I think that would just set us both up for disappointment.

I've been laying low with Greg seeing if he would contact me and he did. He texted me today wondering when we are going to hang out next. I told him Friday since my week is booked. He thought that was too far away but what can you do. This week shall prove to be interesting, that's for damn sure!

Matt texted me out of the blue yesterday, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and the boy. I wanted to throw up immediately, seeing his name just gives me that reaction. It was a beautiful yesterday and he wanted to know if I wanted to come to Castle Island. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, especially seeing the boy. I also asked if he had been thinking this week. He said yes but that he thought I already made up my mind. I told him I had no other choice, hanging on was hurting me too much. I told him he knows what he needs to do remedy this situation and this was on all him. In no way does that mean I'm still waiting for him, I've moved on. Also doesn't mean I would give him another chance but he knows what he needs to do for that to even be a possibility.

Greg ended up making it to show. We left for a bit and grabbed some food and then came back and hung out. I didn't want to come on too strong, he's so god damn good looking he could get any girl he wants. It's rather annoying. I figure if he is interested then maybe he should have to work a little bit :P

Got tattooed this morning, did 4 more outlines of postcards. The sleeve is finally coming together and after coloring these in, there isn't much room left for anything. Might go to the bar tonight with Nikki, that should be interesting.

Apparently the key for me to not think about Matt is to put my energy into different people. That doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right away but hanging out with new people just takes my mind off of him.

St. Patrick's day I met up with a friend on Nicole's at a bar in downtown. He was there with three of his friends. I had a lot of fun, drank some Irish car bombs and too many coronas. Tonight is the show which another friend is supposedly coming too. We texted back and forth yesterday and he was bummed on life/girls so I told him not to feel pressure to come. Last night right before bed he said he was going to come again. Boys.

It should be a fun weekend, I'm getting tattooed tomorrow and then seeing one of my favorite bands, Guns up, on Sunday. Plus the weather is supposed to be good. AHHHH I love Spring.

Monday afternoon, after jury duty, I came home and started picking up my room. While getting things organized I found a Christmas ornament. This jogged my memory into reminding myself that I left all of my ornaments in Matt's closest at his apartment. The only thing I left there. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Normally I would just consider them a wash but all of my childhood ornaments were in there, pretty much the only mementos I have from that time of my life. I felt like my only option was to contact him and see if I could get them back at some point.

I texted him Monday explaining the situation, no response. I texted him later that night saying that if he got my first text could he at least respond with an okay, no response. I called him Tuesday morning assuming he was going to be at work in which case I would leave a voicemail. It rang and rang but never kicked it over to voicemail. At this point I got worried and thoughts of him potentially hurting himself went through my brain. I was keeping in contact with Nicole and she insisted on calling his work, disguising herself, just to check to make sure he was in fact still alive. Irrational, I know, but with things he has said previously to me and him being potentially depressed, I needed to make sure. He answered but couldn't hear Nicole so she didn't even have to make up some elaborate story, but at least I knew he was there. Then the fact that he is probably just ignoring me came to be. I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if he responds, if not, I might e-mail him.

I think for me to really get over him, stop thinking about him and moving on is to start meeting and hanging out with new people. So that's what I'm going to do! Tonight to celebrate the fact that I am not Irish but I can pretend, I'm going to a bar in downtown with one of Nicole's friends. He just so happened to break up with his girlfriend this past weekend. Break ups everywhere! We will go drown our sorrows with some Irish car bombs. Who wouldn't want to hang out with us? Friday, I invited this boy whom I've had a secret crush on forever, to come out to a show at the skatepark. He agreed, so let's see if it actually happens.

I feel like it's been raining for weeks when in reality it's only been days. It's been non-stop for days, not nice rain. Brutal rain. It's now raining in my bedroom. Landlord better come and fix that soon.



Even though I feel better, I still constantly think about him. I wonder when the day will come that I don't. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he knows he made a mistake or is genuinely happy that we are no longer together. I try not to think about these things but I do. I'm ready for the day when these thoughts are not a part of me anymore.

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Friday and Saturday have been a success. Friday I had some work to do at the courthouse downtown as part of my interning. They kept introducing me as a paralegal and it took me by surprise that this is finally happening. In a few months I will actually be a paralegal. Then I do a little happy dance on the inside because weeeee! I met a cute lawyer that works the program I am also working with. I hope it's okay to secretly wish that we will someday be in the office together even though he's probably 9 years older than me. I'm going back to the courthouse this Friday to do some family law stuff which I am very excited about. Right now I'm feeling pulled into that area of the law.

Friday night included a hardcore show. I love going from being in a buttoned-up professional environment to this.



Hardcore show also included cute boys, one in particular. Can never have too many cute boys in your life. Another nice night to get out and have a few drinks and become ultra giggly with Nicole.

Today I went and hung out with Brit again. While we were going through our very similar break-up situation together, hers has now taken a turn that mine will not. I know she will come through it and I really want to be there to support her. We are SO similar, it's eerie, the way we think about life and the way we treat people. I know she will be okay.

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I feel like this past month of my emotional roller coaster is finally coming to an end.

Talking with him last night really showed me that he isn't putting forth the effort that is needed right now. I have given him plenty of time and space, held onto every ounce of hope that things would work out. After writing the post this morning and thinking more about it, I had to tell Matt that I was stepping away. I feel sad, sad that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. Sad that these two people whom I cared and loved deeply will not be a part of my future. I'm excited for the future though, for meeting new people and going on new adventures. It's still hard but I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was exactly a month ago. I'm letting go on my terms. I wished him the best and hope he gets the help that he needs.

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I texted Matt on Monday. Called him yesterday. No replies to both. Kind of said fuck it in my head and went about my day. He called back last night while I was sleeping. I answered, I asked him about my text Monday and how I would appreciate it if he would answer my texts, especially when I ask a question, which I did. He said he was sorry. I don't know, I'm kind of getting tired. I'm done chasing, if he wants to be with me then he will make the effort too.

Then we discussed why I called him in the first place, Thursday night. He had to re-do one of the hoodies for me and I suggested coming to his place Thursday night to pick it up. He said he was going to be in Boston around noon on Thursday so he would just drop it by, clearly not wanting me to come over Thursday night. Again, fuck it. I told him that he said we could start slowly progressing our relationship and I feel like we are just going backwards. Going to let him be the one to decide when to do something next.

I'm going to enjoy my weekend and I have some awesome new clothes coming in the mail.

After texting back and forth for a bit last night with Matt he said part of me wants to invite you over. I told him that maybe that part should, although he wondered if it would be a bad idea. I told him that if he wants things to work again between us I saw no harm in hanging out for a few hours. He said okay...leave now. So I did.

I got there and didn't really plan to talk about us but eventually the conversation flowed into that. We decided together that things need to start slowly progressing in the next few weeks to build back up our relationship and make it better than before. Then he made me snuggle with him and it was the best 30 minutes of snuggling I've ever had. Truly did not realize how much I would miss that until i didn't have it anymore.

I'm hopeful that things will work out the way they need to. I think this was a wake up call for him and showed him that I truly truly love him and the boy. Bit by bit everything will fall into place and I just need to enjoy the ride, as hard as that is sometimes.

Today was filled with sunshine

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and movies



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and gift certificates from a sister to a lovely cupcake shop down the street.



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Have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not going to think about my love life and just let things happen. I go back and forth so much and this blog is my diary so I can recount how crazy my thoughts are, but I just need to stop thinking about it. While writing this he texted me to see how I'm doing. GAH. I haven't texted him for days so maybe he really is trying to make an effort.

I'm spending my Saturday night puppy sitting. What an exciting life I lead. As much as the puppy can be a little asshole I'm excited to spend the evening in an apartment with heat and cable. I enjoy the simple things in life.

Last night I came out the skate park for a show. It was probably one of the best shows I've been too in awhile. Thoroughly enjoyed all of the bands and have some downloading of music to do.

Also got to talking more with John and Nicole about my situation and how they think I'm not making the smartest choice. They don't want to see me get strung along and John being a dude knows how other dudes think. They are right and I'm only doing this for a few weeks and then our relationship needs to start progressing again. Nicole has also found the next boy with whom I should be set up with it. I haven't completely said no to this idea, and the kid is somebody I would definitely be interested in. Matt and I had the agreement of not seeing or hooking up with other people while we are on this break but if I don't start seeing some sort of effort on his part, I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Met my friend Kate after work last night for some Mexican food. Kate is amazing, the kind of friend you want in your corner. She wanted to get caught up and make sure I was okay. Apparently her husband was also worried about me. They have done a lot for me during this process as have all of my friends. Since I have no family around, my friends are my family and mean the world to me.

Kate and I got talking about the latest news and I asked her if she had ever had her heart broken. I knew Michael was pretty much her first relationship. She said that in the first year of dating Michael they actually broke up. This is something I did not know so I was very intrigued. She broke up with him for a few months, they continued to talk during that time and they finally got back together because they both knew they couldn't live without each other. Awww. It was nice talking about that and realizing that these things do happen and sometimes you come out even stronger than before.

Picked up hoodies from Matt last night outside his work. Driving there and any time I have seen him in the past three weeks I get an instant urge to vomit. He comes walking out and my heart just races, he is so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.

He sat in my car and we talked some more about life. We laughed and joked around...things between us seemed better. Not as tense, not as emotional. I mentioned to him that a new vegan cafe opened in Davis Square and he said maybe someday he will take me there and buy me dinner. That would be nice.

There is something about this boy that I can't explain and it's not something I've had with anybody else. Even as a teenager in high school I didn't date, I never saw the point. Nobody held my interest long enough. My first boyfriend was at the age of 19 and even then, that was a shit show. I've been on countless dates with countless guys and even joked with my friends about writing a book about them. They accounted for a lot of laughs. This one is different and because this one is different I can't let him go that easy. I'm sure some people think I should just move on and forgot about this and hanging on is pathetic, and I probably would too if I wasn't in the situation. Until you are, it's so hard to know what to do.

This hasn't been easy but I feel I have a pretty level head on my shoulders when it comes to most things and at this point I think I'm doing the right thing. Time will only tell.

I'm ready for the weekend, it's supposed to be sunny and possibly hitting 50 degrees. And my morning would not be complete without stopping at this place first. Not for the donuts, but for the coffee. Boston has converted me, I don't think I could live without it now.


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**For all two of you who subscribe to me in reader, I changed my url so you might want to update that**

That accurately describes how I feel life is going at the moment. I talked to Matt last night. I just needed to know that in his heart, when all is said and done, he does want to be with me. If he was questioning it then I would have needed to move on.

He said he wants to be with me but right now he can't be. I can either move on or wait this out and see what happens. He has this cycle in his life where he starts dating someone, things going really well-he gets comfortable-and then they go to shit. He doesn't want to be like this anymore which is why he broke up with me before things became even more serious and my feelings would have been more hurt. He needs to work on himself and has been doing so the past few weeks, he feels a little better in his finances and his car situation was taken care of.

Our communication needed to be addressed because we obviously were not on the same page. I told him I didn't want to talk for a month a few days ago but I don't really want to go that long without talking, neither does he. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week for now, potential moving up to seeing one another in a month or so.

I feel better. It's still a roller coaster but at least I know for sure that he does want to be with me in the end and now we just have to move through this gross phase.

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I was so excited to change my calendar last night from February to March. Good-bye to the worst month of my life, I'm ready for a new one.

I'm ready for the weather to start getting a little nicer. I really can't take this raining for a week straight, but it is better than snow.



I'm keeping myself busy this month with tattoo appointments, going to shows (Guns up!), jury duty and lot's of girls nights.

March is going to be okay, I can feel it.

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I wasn't able to fully talk to Matt yet but I think we are just going to take a month of not talking to one another and see what happens from there. It will take the pressure off of both of us, he can focus on what he needs to work on and I won't be checking my phone every hour seeing if tried contacting me. One day at a time.

Before dating Matt I was very independent, didn’t need a guy to make me happy, could stand on my own two feet. While I am still very much that person he made me happier and a better version of myself. I don’t know if I was the same for him. After only talking to him this week through about six texts, all of them involving screen-printing, I think I can safely say that maybe he doesn’t want to work on this. This was hard for me to come to grips with and I needed to know for myself that I tried but I can only try so much. If the other person involved doesn’t want to try, then I need to move on.

That’s what I’m going to do. I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, who thinks the world of me and would do anything for me. He was that way for a little bit but then it stopped and I don’t want it to ever stop. With me stepping out of his life I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and learns to love himself. Learn that life isn’t about money or lack thereof. Life is about family and the people in it, the times you share together. I hope the next person he becomes involved with will love him the way I did and love that little boy as much as anyone could. I must not be that person and while that was hard to swallow, I’ve come to that conclusion. For myself, my feelings, my life, I need to see what else is out there. I’m going to focus on school and getting my career started. Make plans with friends to travel and see the world.

These past few months have been some of the greatest and some of the hardest. While I don’t want to forget about them, looking back is tough. I still can’t look at pictures without crying and I’m sure I won’t be able to for awhile. Those boys were an important part of my life and they taught me a lot about myself and how great love can be.


(I'm going to talk to him about this tonight but right now this is what I'm feeling. Who knows what will happen)

Another rough day, I do not think this forecast of rain forever is helping either. After talking with Matt on Sunday I felt good. I texted him Monday a question about the screenprint jobs and then left him be. Nothing else was said that day. I texted him twice yesterday (Tuesday) and no response. I'm frustrated, hurt, and this roller coaster of emotions I'm on is getting old. I'm tired. I know we are taking space and time apart but even just a two second reply to a text message would make my day and night so much better. We'll see what he says.

I kept myself pretty busy this weekend yet still had some down time. It was nice. On Friday I met up with my friend Brit who had started dating her boyfriend when Matt and I started dating. I sent her a message after Matt and I broke up and come to find out, her boyfriend did the same thing to her. We went out to a Hookah lounge in Providence and talked the rest of the night away. It was nice to be with someone going through pretty much the exact same situation, giving each other advice, while bitching about how stupid these dudes are.

Saturday morning I went chair hunting with Nicole, unsuccessfully. We will keep trying though! Saturday night Heather wanted me to go to dinner and get drinks with some director and film guys she is friends with. I didn't want to because I'm really into wanting to be a hermit but I agreed. We went and had pizza and then went for drinks. I really didn't drink but they did which provided some entertainment for me, along with the cover band that had me laughing so hard it hurt.


Sunday I met Kate and Michael, went and grabbed lunch and to the movies. I told them the situation with Matt and I and even they didn't know what they would do. Nobody wants to see me get hurt again, neither do I. I feel what I'm doing is right though, except we did forget to talk about something on Thursday. When couples go on 'breaks' that usually means the people can go hook-up with other people with no problem. I needed to clear this over with Matt because this was not happening. I called him last night to clear this up....I was afraid he was going to disagree, I don't know why, that is not the type of person he is. He just said obviously and kind of chuckled about it. Just said I needed to make sure and then we talked about the weekend and work. Getting my haircut this Saturday along with a girls night, now I just need to make it through the week.


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I had yesterday off of work so I sat in my room cleaning the whole day and going over what I was going to say to Matt. I rehearsed it, didn't cry, knew what I was going to say. I felt like I needed to tell him how I was feeling, go with my heart. My brain and heart having been telling me two different things this week and the heart won.

The talk almost didn't go down but after driving to Braintree, back to Boston and then back to Matt's apartment, it did. I just threw it out there that after thinking this week I love him too much to just let him go so easy. I'm willing to work on the things I can, support him while he gets help and start re-building. I needed to know if he was willing to do that or if I needed to be out of his life.

He said he's willing to work on things and he wants to be with me he just knows that he can be a better boyfriend and wants to make sure that happens first. We are still going to be taking time apart and have some space, but still keep in contact with each other. He asked when school is out this year and I said May. He wants May to potentially be the point where we can really start going ahead with things again. Then we just continued to talk for 2 hours about life and how we have both been miserable for the past week.

I'm optimistic that things will turn around and we can start an even better relationship. I asked if maybe next weekend I could come over and we could cook dinner with the boy and he agreed. Definitely taking things slow but I might actually be able to sleep at night now.

Today has been tough. Got to work and got slammed with running out again to get my boss Starbucks, a sick baby, having to deal with a playdate and know a baby won't sleep. Plus I'm seeing Matt tomorrow. I have money to give him from some screenprint jobs he is doing for me.

I just want to talk to him so bad. To see if we could start over, do things different. I realized this week that doing so much for him actually pushed him away, wish he would have told me that sooner because I would have stopped. I also think we spent too much time together. The only time I had to myself was when I was doing homework. I should have continued going out with friends on Friday night or doing something for myself Saturday. I want to talk but I'm afraid he's already done, and in other ways I just wish I could be done.

Matt called me last night to tell me the news he had found out about his taxes. While I was happy he called, it also stung a little bit. He sounded happy, like nothing was wrong, while my heart just sank. I texted him later that night saying while I want to support him in any way I can, I also need to think of myself. I asked him if he thought there would be a future for us because if not, I needed to take some time and not be communicating with him. He said he wouldn't be opposed to that and space really can heal pain. He also said he doesn't know what the future holds unfortunately. So for now, for my feelings and for me to really move on I can't talk to him.

Who does know what the future holds but it isn't fair to me to be communicating with him holding on to that one thought that maybe we would get back together someday. This relationship is over. I need to accept that, as much as it hurts, and move on. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get back to normal and I'll probably still have moments where it just hurts but that's okay.

I miss him, intensely. I just want to call him to hear his voice or see him and get a hug. I've never felt this way before and I never want to feel this way again. My chest hurts, sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want to go to sleep and wake up 2 months from now.

I can't sleep, tonight was rough. I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted but my brain won't shut off. The talk with Matt was hard but it was needed, I actually feel a tiny bit better.

When I first got there I handed him the bag of clothes and toys I had been getting A for Valentine's Day. I can't think about him without crying, so I don't. We then hugged and cried, it was so nice hugging him again.

He isn't happy with himself, or the way he is acting right now. He feels like he has put to much pressure on my to do things..i.e. take A to his Mom's house on Sunday. I've never really told him before but I like that time with A. When it's just us two in my car, telling ridiculous knock knock jokes to each other until we are both laughing so hard or playing I-Spy (even though I've explained to him 100 times it's so hard to play I-Spy in a car going 70 mph :p). He wants to get back to being as self reliant as he was before he met me and I can understand that.

He said this wasn't the end. He just needs some time to get better himself so he can be the boyfriend he wants to be. That doesn't mean I'm getting my hopes up that we will ever get back together. I'm going to take it one day at a time, I'll be there for him when he needs me while he will do the same. If things progress and we want to give it another shot then we will. If not, I hope we can be friends. To make things not as confusing for A, I'm just going to not be around for a few weeks and then we will all go to dinner or something. That way he knows I'm still here and I love him.

Going out dancing tonight, hoping it gets my mind off of things...I know it will. If nothing else Nicole and I can sit at the bar at people watch.

So this is what it feels like to get broken up with. 3 days before Valentine's day, when everything around me is all about love, hearts, kisses and bullshit. He was honestly my first love and now here I am. I got involved with someone who had a 3 year old, I opened myself up for the both of them. Loved them until it hurt, and now I've lost both in the same day.

I set my alarm extra early this morning so I could text him something cute before he went into work. At the exact same moment I sent my text, I got one from him. Pretty much said we need to talk, I've been thinking. I called him, I was going to wait until tonight to talk but I knew what was coming. I didn't want to have that pukey feeling all day, I'd rather know. He just said he's not happy, with himself. I'm doing everything right but he needs to work on himself before he is in a relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but it still doesn't make it easier. He said he still loves me, and I obviously still love him. Feelings just don't go away in a day. I'm meeting him tonight so we can talk in person and then life goes on.

Guess I spoke to soon about everything being okay with Matt.

We were texting back and forth yesterday morning after our normal wake up texts. I told him, just to let you know, Nicole and I are planning on going dancing Friday. Now normally when I tell him I'm going to do something with the girls he says, great, have fun! This time he just wrote back okay. This is also the first week that he has Friday and Saturday off so I texted him asking if he had any plans for us. He said nope. At that point I started to feel bad so I asked if he minded if I went.I should have just dropped it, but my feelings took over. He responded with I don't mind if you go. Do what you want. Was probably just going to sit home anyways.

This is when I thought, hmm...he doesn't want me to go. I over-analyzing everything, so I said I can go another weekend, I know you have Friday off. And then he blew up. Omg Heather! Just go!! I'm not a baby! I can handle being alone!!! That pretty much ended our conversation for the day. I was just trying to take his feelings into account, I know he can handle being alone but again, this was the first Friday and Saturday he's had off. I left it alone but texted him a few hours later saying that I was meeting with the Dean of my college tomorrow to talk about one of my Professors, and nothing. Not even an I hope it goes well.

I went to dinner last night with Kate and throughout dinner we were talking about it and I got my hopes up that he was going to call or text. 2 hours we sat there and still nothing. Came home, started painting that damn desk again, maybe he'll text me goodnight. Nope. Once again, going to bed with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't texted him since and don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me.

I don't know if he's going through something and just doesn't want to share. It's now day three of not really talking and it's all I think about. I've been crying all day, yesterday, last night, at the restaurant. I do so much for him and the boy. I love him more than I have loved anybody else in my life excluding my family. I'm just feeling very un-appreciated and un-wanted right now and I can't live like that. I realize people get depressed and in funks but you can't just not talk to your girlfriend for three days, because now I think it's all my fault when I really didn't do anything wrong. I need a little text during the day saying, hey hope your day is going well! or miss you! Something that lets me know that he actually is thinking about me. Eventually when I do talk to him I'm going to lay it out and if things don't change then I need to re-evaluate if this is the right thing for me.

So now the waiting begins, I'm not getting my hopes up for talking to him today.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on here is bitch. I feel like that is what a blog is good for though, bitching on it when I really don't want to bitch at other people. Getting my feelings out when I can't talk.

I know I pretty much only talk bad about Matt on here but he obviously is awesome or else I still wouldn't be with him. I just feel like we got thrown into this crazy relationship and have to work through it more so than other relationships. It's not easy going from being single to being a girlfriend and a 'step-mom'. That little boy puts this relationship into it's own category and while we don't ever fight about him, we always have to think about what we are doing and how it will affect him.

I talked with him yesterday and I was right, he just needed space. I didn't really feel like I was smothering him considering I had only seen him for Friday night and Saturday morning, but that's his deal. His work has been stressful lately, he's worried about money and his car is giving him problems. Add me in the that equation and I think he just shut down. So stepping back for awhile, not going to text as much or stay over. The texting is hard though because when I'm at work I have nothing else to do but just think and text. Maybe I need to start leaving my phone in the car or something, and switching gears.

Found this website today and the drawings are cracking me up. These are from Married to the Sea.

Sitting here typing as I'm waiting for paint to dry on my desk, got a itch to paint it today. $37 later (!!!)....the cats are also helping me, so I'm sure my bright green desk with have black cat hairs speckled throughout. Oh well.

The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm getting into somewhat of a routine with working 4 days a week and school 5 days a week. Still meeting with the criminal defense attorney, drafted up a few letters for him. Hopefully this Friday I will be meeting with an organization here in Boston, I think it might become a weekly thing and I'm very very excited for the opportunity.

Matt and I are doing okay. I'm starting to realize maybe I am spending and dedicating to much time to him. It's so hard because I love spending time with him and the boy but I also need to focus on me and what I need to do. His apartment has heat and cable which is so very tempting during these winter months. Today he told me that me being there without him makes him feel anxious and that he needs to rush home. I tried explaining to him that I really don't mind when he's not there and I've never told him he needed to rush home and see me. I don't mind being there without him. I understand he needs to do things, but he still feels anxious so I'm going to back off a bit. Hence why I'm painting today.

I did get tattooed Friday, the sleeve is a few more sittings away from being done. Yay! I think I've been working on it for 3 years now, I'm ready for it to be DONE. Already have my plans for the next sleeve and my ribs and feet, if only I was a millionaire.

(Thanks for the feedback on the last post. I don't know who you guys are but I do appreciate it, especially from an outsiders perspective, so thanks!)

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

Eep, that last post was such a bummer. It's normal in life to get down and feel like nothing is ever going to go right or things will never change. I have so many good things going on in my life though, and those are the things I need to focus on. I made up some goals that I want to put my energy into, whenever I feel like life is just getting too out of control, I just need to be reminded what I'm reaching for.

-Get my paralegal certificate...assuming nothing drastic happens I will achieve this in May. I was also under the impression that my current nanny job was ending in May but my boss let me know last week that that will not be happening. She said there family can't live without me. That gives me a big relief knowing that I have some time to find a paralegal job or continue on my way to getting my associates.

-Land a paying job in the paralegal field...once I get my certificate I will start looking.

-Learn to knit...I wanted to start last year but really had no time. I have no time right now but maybe during the summer somebody will teach me.

-Take another vacation...this is what keeps me going during the year, knowing that I have tickets booked to a different place. A place to explore new cultures, food, atmospheres, everything. Matt and I have been talking about going to San Francisco during the end of the summer. We want to take A and have also been talking with my family about possibly meeting them down there. San Francisco is one of my favorite cities besides Boston and I know it will be hard to pull Matt and I away from it.

That's it for now. I'm sure I have more, but I don't want to overwhelm myself ;).

Matt and I headed to Vegas last week. What a way to start the New Year. It was nice to get away with Matt away from life, but unfortunately, now we are back and life just dumps more on you.

School starts next week, I have classes everyday along with work 4 days a week and a potential internship one day a week. I'm already feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Throughout the day all that I think about is everything I need to get done and how busy I've made myself. I really have no other choice though. I've told myself I would also be able to financially support myself with whatever comes my way and becoming a paralegal is doing that. Would it be easier to give up? Yes. Do I want to give up? Sometimes. It's just so daunting thinking about the future. Will I get a job in May....I really really hope so.

My car is still broken. I googled the problem today and apparently other Jetta owners have also been experiencing the same thing. They mentioned it could be the brake light switch and come to find out, that was recalled. I have an appointment Thursday and if it doesn't get fixed Thursday I think I might actually strangle somebody. My windshield washer fluid also decided that it doesn't want to come out. It's not blocked, there is plenty of washer fluid in it, it just doesn't spray high enough up. Almost like a hose is disconnected or somethingt, which the people at Midas have also told me. I told Heather today I was having problems with it and she piped in that she put more fluid in it. THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM. You can put as much damn fluid as you want in there, it just pours out of the bottom of the car. She also told me she figured out the parking release issue. Who knew she was a mechanic? She said she found a way to get around it, I don't want a way to get around it. I want the issue fixed. I'm so done with her. Really.

Breathe Breathe Breath.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. REALLLLYYYY. Time can stop now, thank you.

(picture from www.weheartit.com....loving this site!)

Christmas is over. It's amazing how fast it goes, the anticipation building up for the months before and then -bam- it's over.


Matt and I talked things out, he agreed to be more sensitive of my feelings and I agreed to try not to be so crazy. Haha. He told me a story of another new girl that is going to be working with him at the new store who is boy crazy. Apparently she has gotten pretty close to crossing the friend zone line and he had a talk with her about it. He told her that their relationship is going to be purely work based and it wouldn't go beyond that. Makes me feel good that he shared that with me and actually put up those boundaries.

Back to Christmas. Christmas Eve we made cookies with Adrian and set them out for Santa and then Matt and I exchanged our gifts with each other. I knew Matt was strapped for cash so I didn't expect much and that didn't bother me. He did get me a few things but the card he got for me did me in. Wasn't the card per say-but what he wrote inside. It said:
Heather, I just wanna say thanks. Thanks for buying me dinner and things I don't need. Thanks for taking care of A. Thanks for being vegetarian. Thanks for sometimes being the big spoon. Thanks for putting up with my shit...even if you don't have family here, you can be happy with me! So smile, I love you! Merry Freakin' Christmas!

And then I cried and melted into a big pile of goo. We went to his parents house for Christmas day, got Grasshopper that night and just hung out.

I took my last final last night and school is over until January. That is one stress off of my plate.

These last few days have torn me up and it's really hard for me to get excited about Christmas this year. I'm not spending it with my family , along with all of the stress leading up to it just makes me want to sleep until it's over. I really hate feeling this way and tried so hard to get into the spirit. Also knowing that my relationship is on the rocks hurts. We texted a bit last night and I'm going to have the chance to talk to him tonight and I know things will get better. We both have a ton on our plate right now and have gotten thrown into this whirl-wind relationship pretty fast.

I don't know what's next in my life. I wanted 2009 to be an amazing year, and it was but it was also filled with a lot of tears. I'm kind of glad 2010 is right around the corner, a fresh start, time to breath and get ready for even more insanity that lies ahead.

I've decided to start back up on birth control again, as much as I hate to do it. It really levels my hormones out and I'm sick of being all over the place. This past month I've felt like I've been pmsing non-stop. I know guys don't understand it and it's hard to explain how you go from wanting to rip someones head off, to crying, to perfectly happy all in the span of 5 minutes. I also need to start getting over my trust issues, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that. I fear that he will leave me, I fear that everyone will leave me, which after both of your 'fathers' don't want anything to do with you it's pretty hard not to have that fear. All the experts say I need to forgive them so I can move on, but I'll never forgive them. I try to forget and pretend that everything is fine in my life but there will always be that hole.

::sigh::

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn difficult. Matt and I were great and one thing is ruining it, another girl.

He went on an interview at this girls store about 2 months ago. She thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, talked him up to people above them and continues to talk to him. Mind you, he was also told that this girl had a reputation of being a whore. She's the one who invited him to her Thanksgiving party for friends, she's the one who texted him asking for a picture to show her friends 'his stretched ears', she's the one who invited us over for a holiday party and then proceeded to kiss him on the cheek when we left. GUESS WHAT? I don't trust the bitch. She's married and investing way to much time in my boyfriend, something is not right and I've had this gut feeling something is not right since the beginning. I haven't been able to eat, Matt and I got in a huge fight and he pretty much told me that if I don't accept him being friends with these people than I should break up with him.

In my heart I know I'm not the girl that cares if he has 'girl' friends. He has other girl friends that I don't care if he talks with or hangs out with, but this one...something about her. I've had this happen personally in my life twice, and it ended badly both times. Also, one of the women was married so her being married has no bearing on what she is capable of.

I have finals today, I'm a wreck, I don't know what to do. I want to be able to not think about it and just let them be friends. Nikki gave me some good advice to just ride it out and see what happens but I'm afraid. The girl he's going to be working with all the time also texts him and calls him but I don't get any 'I want him' vibes from her.

I love him so much and to think that he would throw this away to be friends with her also eats me up. I don't know if he was just saying that because he was pissed anyways, I don't know.

Still haven't seen Matt and it is absolutely killing me. I know that's pathetic and I never really understood people who missed their significant others while they were gone but I GET IT now.

We had a lovely phone 'discussion' and then I clarified tonight some things I had been feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn't planning things with work as a way to distance himself from me. He was taken aback by this and told me in no way shape or form was that the case. This week just got to be crazy scheduling wise.

I get to see him tomorrow night if all goes as planned and I can't wait to smother him with kisses.

Got a lot of my Christmas present shopping done today. Bought my nieces some unique fun gifts, wish I could be there when they opened them :(

Last week of school before finals, have another meeting with the lawyer, a doctors appointment and potentially NYC on Saturday. Can't believe this year is almost over and I'm also 23. Eek!

In order to not say really mean things to a certain person I love, I'm going to vent here. Cute boy and I have been getting along swimmingly. Things were good, busy, hectic, but good. I try my hardest to spend quality time with him and admittedly it was usually at least 5 nights a week.

This week I've seen him once, and that was at 11 o'clock at night, right before I had to go to bed.

I'm frustrated, pmsing, hurt and angry.

On Sunday night we talked about going over to Nicoles house for a vegan potluck for Snak. We had these plans for about 3 weeks. Matt gets an e-mail shortly after from one of his co-workers (at another store-whom I think has a crush on him) that she is having an after Thanksgiving party. Higher ups were going to be there so he felt that it was important for him to go. Fine, go.

Monday he worked in Brighton, literally 10 minutes from my house. He was supposed to get off of work at 10, called me at 10:45 saying he was just leaving. Guess he had to tie up some loose ends.

Tuesday...I had a date night with Heather scheduled so I didn't see him. He had a man-date with his friend.

Wednesday I felt like I got hit by a bus because of my cold. I had been texting Matt throughout the day and agreed to go to his house at 8, when he would be getting home from work. He called me later saying that he agreed to drive something up to the Medford store from Providence. That means he drives literally 5 minutes from my apartment. I texted him and asked him if he would come snuggle after he was done just for a few and maybe bring me something hot to eat, i.e. soup. He said he didn't know if he had enough money for gas and food. I said forget about it, don't even come if you don't have gas. So he didn't. Secretly I just wished he would of. I know if he was sick I would do everything I could to help him feel better.

Thursday we made plans with John and Nicole to go see the Christmas lights display they have at Stoneham zoo. I thought Adrian would really enjoy it and we would get to hang out, just have fun. He called me in the middle of the day saying someone wanted to switch shifts with him so he would now be opening tomorrow, meaning he has to get up really early so he can't go out. I had to cancel the plans with John and Nicole and not see him for another night.

Friday, today. I'm babysitting until around 9 pm. I asked him if I could come over after because I really want to see him. He said sure but he's probably just going to go to bed. I asked him so when I come over you are just going to go to bed. He said yeah. At this point my head exploded. That's what you say to me?!?!? Couldn't you have just pretended you were really excited to see me and couldn't wait?!?!!? So fuck that, I think I'm going to go drink wine with Nicole.

Won't see him Saturday because I'm busy all day and babysitting tomorrow night. Sunday he has work and then needs to screenprint. I said maybe I'll come 'help' you screenprint and he said no because his friend Tom is coming over to see how it's done. Well fuck me. You tell me when you want to hang out next becomes I'm spent.

Again...still pmsing. Also found out today that I might have a cyst which I'm not too worried about but it would be nice to see my boyfriend. ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH.

I hate playing games but I'm about ready to become an ice queen and too busy to see him next week.

This weekend included the fun filled task of getting the Christmas tree! Growing up picking out the correct tree was also a process. We would hike into the woods and wouldn't leave until the perfect tree was found. While this seems fun, it usually ended in someone being upset and all of us with frozen toes.

This year was different. It was rainy and gross out so we walked into home depot and picked out the first tree was saw. It was already wrapped so we were hoping when we got home that it didn't have any gaping holes. We set it up, put some lights on, threw Batman on top instead of a star and it looks great. Adrian was ecstatic,which is the best part of the whole thing. We did have one mishap though, when Matt and I were tying it to my car we tied it with my doors closed so we tied ourselves out. We had to climb through the windows which was an interesting experience.

2 more crazy weeks and then I'll have a nice little break. This week is busy, next week is busy, then finals and I'm DONE.

Thanksgiving eve. It's still tough being so far away from family for holidays. I'm spending Thanksgiving this year with Matt's family. His two brothers, their wives, his sister, parents and two nieces. I think that's it, who knows who will show up.

I see everybody saying what they are thankful for and it's always family, friends and health. My family means more to me than they will probably ever realize. I know I can count on them for anything. Same goes for my friends. They are my family over here.

I need this break, from school...work...life.

This week has been flying by. Tomorrow is Friday, I'm still not caught up with last weekend.

On Friday Matt had to work and his parents were in Vegas so I offered to hang out with Adrian for the day. We went to the aquarium, rode the subway, bought a 'penguin' to hatch, watched a movie together and sat in traffic. I also lost the key to Matt's apartment in my car somewhere during this time and had a momentary freak out, but maintenance let me in and cut a new key. Kate went with us to the aquarium, had a fun time hanging out.




On Saturday the three of us went up to Rockport to go to Halibut Point State Park. The boys had fun throwing rocks in the quarry and I think I had 479 heart attacks thinking Adrian was going to fall in. We also played on the ocean rocks, Matt got himself soaked when he was standing on one rock and a wave came in. No photo proof because I was laughing my ass off.









Agenda for this weekend: Relax, thrift store shop, Matt's brothers birthday, Relax. We'll see how that goes.

We've only been dating for around 2 months and I can already tell that this relationship is so much different than my last, or any of all those other dates I've been on.

We were laying in bed last night and watching some documentary about truck drivers and he just breaks out into his truck driver accent and starts making out with me. It continued for a good 15 minutes and my sides were hurting from laughing so hard.

Life is going incredibly well right now and I am a lucky lucky girl.

California was fun...it was nice to see that side of the coast again, to watch the sunset over the ocean. I miss that so much. Plus the palm trees, ohhhh, the palm trees. But I also remember why I left, everything looks the same..beige and boring.

'

I had a good time hanging out with Heathers friends. We drove around LA in Trudy, the awesome car, went to the beach, In and Out, had the Halloween party, dug through the Goodwill in downtown, ate the most amazing donuts, and laughed. It was a nice weekend away. Plus the weather.......sigh.


For the Halloween party, I went dressed up as Octo-Mom! It was amazing, if I can say that. Being in a relationship at a party without that person is interesting and not as fun. I stayed and chatted with the other girls in the same situation, yet still managed to get hit on by 'actors'. It was pretty funny and just showed me how image and status are what it's all about in this town.



Then it was time to come home and back to the real world. Also back home to THIS....



That is Dan Aykroyd and I have fallen madly in love with this little lump of fur. He bounces and jumps to greet me when I get home, snuggles in my lap and cuddles with my back. He's just the best!

Sitting close to downtown LA right now, still on Boston time, enjoying some coffee while everyone else is sleeping. Heather and I flew out for the weekend to attend a Halloween party with her friends. Yesterday we went and got breakfast, drove around looking for plastic babies, saw cardboard couches, saw Snak, drove around dead ends and saw amazing skyline scenery, and had wig parties while dancing in the kitchen.

I bought the cutest little instant camera that I have a feeling is going to be draining my bank account. Film for that little sucker is expensive but SO CUTE. Can't wait to scan the pictures.

This weather is making me very sad and just wanting to crawl into bed and not move. There was snow yesterday in Mass..WAY to early. I took a mental health day yesterday, clear my head, get caught up, relax. It was the first time since I've been going to school that I missed a day and I hated it. Heather borrowed my car though and walking to the train in 30 degree weather when I'm getting sick just didn't sound appealing.

Had some insane drama over the weekend. Let's just say when your friend doesn't like your boyfriend, shit will usually hit the fan. I think that drama is over though and hopefully people will actually get to know him before they write him off. Things in that department are good though, couldn't ask for anything more right now.

Wednesday night Kate, Heather and I went and got treated to this.

Dean Mans Bones. Amazing! The album is perfect for fall, spooky yet inspiring. He had a kids choir with him as well and they made the show even better. Boston was their first show ever and seeing Ryan Gosling in person was nicceee.

Working today, tonight Nicole and I are getting our party on and tomorrow will be a nice relaxing day...carving pumpkins with Matt and the boy, baking apple treats and watching movies under blankies. I'm so excited.

October, holy fucking christ. This year can slow down anytime. This is my favorite month and my favorite time of year though so I’m trying to enjoy every single minute of it.

Apply picking with the boys went remarkable well. Matt’s son is adorable and very much a three year old. He was very well behaved until it came to testing out Ikea couches and then he was all over the place. That’s to be expected though. Jumping on couches that do not belong to me is also really tempting.



I brought Matt out to meet John and Nicole this past week, I needed some more opinions besides heathers. It was a quick visit and I think it went well. I’ve never brought a guy out to meet my friends that they didn’t already know so I was a little nervous. We are not official yet, don’t know exactly when or really care when that will be but I’d say we are dating and having a snuggle partner in time for the winter is awesome.

Today is heathers birthday so debauchery I’m sure will be done. We are going to go ride bikes (of course) and bar hop, with a stop off at the other side café to get some vegan chocolate cake. Dora and I are also making her vegan chocolate cupcakes, you can never have too much of that.

Weekend is busy, more apple picking, taking the little boy to his first movie ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) hopefully that is succesfull, more movies with other friends and lots of homework. Joy.

Can't get enough of her album. It's been on repeat for weeks now.


Sitting here procrastinating starting my homework. I have a pumpkin candle burning, iced coffee and Converge on. Ready to get down into some Family Law.

The boy and I are going apple picking tomorrow. Finally going to take some pictures. I feel like I haven't used my camera in forever. I'm also meeting his son. Dun Dun DUN.

I can’t believe fall is already here and it’s the middle of September. This is my favorite season and I hope I can drag it out as long as possible before the dreaded winter hits. School started two weeks ago and I have a feeling it’s going to keep me fairly busy this semester, along with boys. And friends. And work. After the whole fallout with the last boy I decided to join a dating website.



In my whole entire life, I never would have though I would be one to do that but fuck it, I did.
I was running out of boys to date in my circle, school doesn’t have the greatest selection and when I do go out im usually to nervous to talk to them. Anyways- I got quite a few messages from guys interested but none of them really did anything for me. Then about 3 days later this guy messaged me. He had tattoos, plugs, right up my alley. We met last Monday, talked at his apartment for a good 4 hours. He has a son which puts a whole new spin on things but I don’t want to discredit him just for that. Our second date, if you want to call it that, we went bowling, out to the other side café for some vegan food and then sat in a parking lot and talked for over an hour. I’m liking this guy. He’s funny and loud which I need but also very thoughtful and considerate which is something I’m not used to. I’m only thinking about the future ever so slightly, but for now I’m enjoying what is going on in the present. I believe things happen for a reason and maybe those 15 bad dates were getting me ready for this one. And if this one doesn’t work out….I really am becoming a crazy cat lady.

Dating! It is so much fun but so confusing. Things were going especially well with the boy, we spent a week together and it was awesome.

Then my mom came and he went to Vermont for the week. I said something joking to him and the joke went to far and I ended up saying things I did mean, but probably shouldn't have said to him. I was tore up the whole week about it. He came back from Vermont and we saw each other that night to talk about it. We talked it over, I explained myself, he explained what he was thinking and everything was good. I stayed there until 4 in the morning and then drove home. I also stayed over the next night. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday he wouldn't really talk to me. I invited him to come hang out....but he didn't want to. No big deal.

I texted him yesterday (thursday) to see how he was. I asked what he was doing that night and he said staying in because he was heading to Nova Scotia tomorrow with this girl friend of his.

????????

I was fine with that, but it almost seems to me like he is trying to piss me off and make me say crazy shit. We texted some more and I told him to let me know when he wants to hang out again because inviting him on all these hangouts only to be rejected is hurting my ego. I meant this in a totally lighthearted way but realized after I said it that he might take it the wrong way. Just like the last time. And he did, and he told me that I must be riding a ten speed bike with all of this backpeddling I'm doing. At that point I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I refrained.

I gently explained that I don't lie, it was a joke and he could make of it what he wanted. I also asked him if I did something this week that I am unaware of. Haven't heard anything back and at this point I'm so done. Done Done Done.

To celebrate this joyous occasion, Heather and I bought some big beers and headed to Dora's house for some chocolate eating, drinking and bitching about boys. It did the trick. I had a blast.

I'm also done being the pursuer in boys for awhile. They can come after me if they want it.
PHEW.

What a week. Last Saturday was my date and suffice to say it was amazing. The boy is amazing, we click, laugh, and I can't wait to see where it goes. We've hung out a few more times and will spend tomorrow together.

Delaware was fun, I always wish I could stay longer. Micah is getting cuter and cuter and I loved playing with him. That age is so fun. Of course it was nice to see Erika too ;).

Today I am meeting up with Nicole, Nikki and little Lucas. We are going shopping, I am getting tattooed, Nikki is babysitting with me and then hopefully the three of us are going to the club. I hope it happens!

And on Sunday my Mom comes....I'm so excited!

Summer needs to seriously slow down. It's already almost two weeks into August, ahhh!

Germany was amazing. There really are no words to describe how much I love Europe. I'll make a big post about that later.

For now, I've just been riding my bike and going on dates. Judd was back in town last weekend and we went out to see Doomriders. He stayed the night, we kissed and cuddled and then went to Autozone in the morning. My dates are so romantic. I don't know what's going on there.

I also have a date tomorrow with a boy I've never met. Heather set it up but Nicoles knows him as well. I'm excited! He asked if I wanted to help him move a tv to Maine and while there we are going to mini-golf, get some ice cream, play on the beach and look around. I think the house up there is empty and it also has a pool so who knows what will happen. I'm going to play it by 'year'.

I'm ready for school to start though, back to a normal schedule which my brain will enjoy.

I don't know when I got it into my head that whitewater rafting sound fun. I guess I just didn't think it would be that scary, just kind of floating along the river and encountering some little rapids. I was wrong. Heather told us to go to the Penobscot in Maine because all of the other rivers were 'boring'. That should have been our first clue that this trip would be nuts.

Heather had to go and get lyme disease the day before we left so she wasn't able to come with us :( We got to the rafting place bright and early at 7 am. There was this group of dirty old men that were there too and Kate and I kept joking about how we would probably get stuck with them. Out of the 150 people that went rafting that day, we got stuck with them. Ha! Just our luck.



It was actually probably the best thing that could have happened. These 6 guys were there for a bachelor party. They were crude, rude, tattooed and we all had a blast. We had an awesome chick guide named Jamie who fit right in as well.

We dropped in at the dam and were told we would be hitting our first class 5 rapid about 10 seconds downstream. Sink or swim time. I can't really explain what it's like to be paddling down a river, go over some water and look like your falling into a hole of water. It's awesome but scary and gets the adrenaline pumping. I paddled like crazy because there was no fucking way I was falling out of that boat. We hit more class 5 rapids, a waterfall and I didn't fall out once. We even surfed the rapids which was also a blast. I definitely want to go again.

The rest of camping was fun. Kate and I were so dead tired after rafting that we just ate some s'mores, had a beer, did some light painting and headed to bed.



We woke up Sunday, made pancakes and headed to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. That place attracts the trashiest people, it's awesome. I want to go there and just people watch. We ate seafood, had a few beers (shocker) and headed home.



Last night I went on a double date! It was the Stanchis and then Jeremy and I. We wanted to see the Sail Boston boats that came into town but only managed to see one. Right as we got to the pier to see it, it started leaving. Haha. So we went to the Barking Crab for some appetizers and headed over to see Bruno. That movie had me in stitches. Okay, got to get stuff done. 5 more days until Germany.

I've come to realize the past few weeks that I am most certainly a person who needs a schedule. This schedule can and should have moments of spontaneity, but there needs to be somewhat of a routine.

This summer there has been no schedule. Because of that I feel like my life is still spinning out of control. I feel like I'm forgetting to pay bills (I'm not) and get caught up on any sort of project. This week I have been slowly getting caught up on just little shit that has needed to get done. This also means that my summer has been extremely busy which is a good thing. I've been doing a lot of things at night, hanging out with friends and laughing.

This past Saturday was the fourth of July so Kate, Michael and I went to Alysons apartment in East Boston. There are pictures but I think I look like hell in all of them. I'm anxiously awaiting for Kate to put them up. I drank way to much vodka, ate some little hamburger cupcakes, watched the Boston fireworks from the roof deck, listened to impromptu guitar songs and helped clean up a broken smashed back window. It was one of the more memorable fourths I've had in a long time.

This weekend I'm headed up to Maine to camp, roast marshmellows, white water raft (!!!) and have more laughs with friends.

I haven't even started writing this post and I'm getting teary eyed. It's been an emotional day, even more emotional for me I think then when my blood nieces and nephews were born. I think it's just a different relationship with Nicole.

I consider Nicole one of my best friends but more than that. Everything is not always rainbows and butterflies with us which makes us more like sisters. We have been through a lot and at times I've wanted to strangle her, haha. I'm sure she's wanted to do the same. But we get through it and we still continue on. I love her like my sister and seeing her becoming a mom today was wild.

Got the call last night that her water broke and headed to the hospital a few hours later. We were told it was going to be 10 to 20 hours, I didn't believe them and was going to wait it out. At like 2 o'clock in the morning we all decided to head home, get a few hours of sleep and head back. I woke up at 7 and headed back to the hospital. Little did I know that 30 minutes after I arrived she would have the baby. We didn't find out until about an hour and half later.



John finally came out and told us all that a little Lucas Matthew was born. I was shocked, I thought all along it was a little girl. The family is so equipped for boys though and I can't imagine a little boy that wouldn't dream of growing up in a skate park.

Nicole looked amazing when I saw her, like she was on cloud nine. Didn't even seem like she just pushed a baby out!



I'm heading back up tomorrow to see them and visit a little longer. I'm so proud of Nicole and so excited for her and John and honored to be a part of this. I hope this little boy is ready for a life filled with crazy friends and family.

Why are guys so silly? I don't get them and they seem to be pretty simple creatures. It's been a year since I've broken up with B and I've been on a few dates and have hung out with a good amount of guys. Obviously, none of them have worked. One looked like Kurt Cobain except he was really quiet. One was just hot and a douchebag. One, okay a few, were way to clingy. And then I met another one Friday night and today he proceeds to send pictures of himself to my e-mail address? WHY? I can only laugh because....really? He seems like a nice guy, kind of cute and then BAM had to send me pictures of himself.

I do have a blind date Friday. I'm excited. We texted for a bit and the boy seems to actually have a brain. And can use big words! It's going to be a late date though so we're going to go to the movies...Transformers? Do hardcore boys like that? No idea, tough shit.

If this doesn't work out I'm just going to marry my new baby...the D200. I'm in love.

I don't really know what to think about today. I sign into my e-mail this morning and start reading the updated blogs. They all have these super wonderful fathers day posts written out. It makes me teary eyed and sick to my stomach all at once.

It's been 5 years since I've talked to me Dad.

I wonder what he's doing today. If he ever thinks of what he lost.