I woke up at 6:30 today to my alarm going off like I do every day. I look at my phone and see that I have a voicemail, presumably from my Mom since I missed her call.

I groggily listen to the voicemail but instantly wake up when I can tell she's been crying. She tells me through tears that I need to call my sister as soon as possible. My mind starts racing about possible things that may have happened. Did she get hurt? Did one of the girls get hurt? Did her fiance leave?

I call my sister but no answer. I take Emma out to go to the bathroom, come back inside to a text that says she'll call me in a few, she's just getting the girls to bed. I do the math in my head, it's almost 2 am there, something is wrong. But she's texting and it seems that both girls are at least still here. I sigh a little thinking that it must not be too bad but just a bump in the road.

I was wrong.

She called me back and I ask her what's wrong. She answers but I don't understand what she's saying. I ask her to repeat that, and I hear, "Ken passed away."

It takes a minute to sink in. My sister's seemingly healthy, under 30 fiance, died. WHAT?! I don't get it. I sit there for a few minutes just stunned, shocked. I stay on the phone and just let her talk. I can hear my niece in the background saying she's scared. She was there when he wouldn't wake up from his nap. She was there when the ambulance was called and the EMT's tried CPR. She saw all of this. And now she lost him.

I text Matt and e-mail my boss that I'm going to be a little late coming in and explained the circumstances. I get myself out the door and onto the train. Tears start coming but I try to hide them. I get my kindle out and start reading. I flip the pages but I'm not absorbing the words, I'm just in my own thoughts.

I grab a coffee and something to eat although my body has no interest in doing either of those things. I can't get this out of my head. He's gone. This shouldn't be happening. I take the elevator up to work and feel a heaviness. I don't want to go in there. I walk in and nothing is said.

Instead of asking me if I'm okay, he wants to talk about going to the zoo this weekend. Really? My sister just lost her fucking fiance and you want to talk about the ZOO? Work is piling up on my desk yet I'm in a fog. The hurt is so fresh. My heart breaks for my sister and for her kids, for his family as well.

I may head home at lunch. I don't know if I can handle being here.

I'm supposed to be doing a lot of this:



But that's looks so incredibly boring that I've been doing more of this:



Why didn't anyone tell me about this show? and that it's awesome? and it makes me want to go sing karaoke?

It kind of makes me want to go back to high school, but only if these two were involved:



(yes, that's me in the middle) (i'll take them both)

I don't handle stress well, as if that is not evident enough. Sometimes I need to wig out so that I can return my brain to feeling normal. This includes going off the deep end or having crying outbursts. The other night I wanted to have a good cry in the shower and my tear ducts would not work. Do you know how frustrating that is? I wanted to cry so bad just to get it out and I couldn't. I'm happy to report my tear ducts are working again and I feel a little more in control.

Boston was finally hit with like an inch of snow last night. Last year I think we had about 96 feet at this point so I'm welcoming the break. Although I do love looking at this beautiful city with a layer of snow on top. It covers up all the gross, dead looking trees and drab landscape. I also would rather have a few inches of snow than freezing cold temperatures, thankyouverymuch.

Tomorrow marks 6 years since I moved to Massachusetts. That's so crazy for me to think about. I can still remember landing at Logan Airport and feeling so completely out of place. I had never even been to this part of the country, yet here I was making myself a new home. I didn't know a single person and now I can say I have met some pretty amazing people and have wonderful friends. It's been a trip, that's for sure.

This weekend will be spent with dragging kids to go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D so I can relive some of my days when I was child. A group of my friends are also supposed to get together on Sunday for breakfast and gossip. Come Monday, school starts again. I'm trying to go in with an open mind, we'll see how long that lasts.

I live my day to day life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Wondering what's going to hit us next.  I don't think I should be living this way, but that's life.  All of these little annoyances build and build and build and I'm just supposed to keep flinging them off. 

I'm getting tired though.  Work is stressful, home is stressful, school is stressful.  There's no peace.  Something is always happening, life can never 'just be'. I'm treading this water as hard as I can but I wonder how long it will last.  At some point you just kind of have to give up.

I'm trying to take this day by day and I guess that's all I can do.  It just sucks.  Sometimes life just fucking sucks.   I wonder if it will all be worth it.  Working my ass off going to work full time, school part time, stretching myself so thin that I can barely function.  It's disheartening, that's for damn sure and I wonder if in 10 years I'll be proud.  I'm not sure.

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed that I was attempting a DIY project. Over the course of the past few months I kept seeing these rugs where you paint them yourself.  After researching the cost of rugs and gasping out loud ($300+), I decided to go for it.

Matt and I ventured to IKEA where we bought what I thought was a $40 rug but it was actually a $60 rug. It was the bigger version which I'm actually glad we went with because we'd have a bath-mat if I went with the $40 one.  We picked up paint and supplies for around $25, so $85 total.  That's pretty good.

If it wasn't for Matt, this project probably wouldn't have been finished.  I sat at the kitchen table Saturday night trying to figure out exactly how to tape this rug up.  I'm okay with math but my head was spinning.  We laid the rug out and after arguing for 15 minutes, I took up residence on the couch and let him do it.  If you ever need a relationship tester or want to fight with your significant other, do a DIY project.  Or try to put together a piece of furniture from IKEA.  One of you will end up leaving.

First step was the taping, this was probably the worst part and it took a few hours.  I Matt used the green painters tape because it's apparently better than the blue tape.  It did come up very easily.  I choose the very popular chevron pattern that is in right now.

I used regular latex paint with an eggshell base.  It is a little stiff but I'm interested to see how it will hold up over the next few months. Then I started painting.  I did two coats, and it took about 3 hours.  My ass is sore (in case you wanted to know).  Emma was also at daycare during all of this shiz because there is no way I was going to do this with a wild dog around.

I let it dry for about 5 hours before we positioned it under the couch.  We had to go pick up the beast (Emma) 

I was a little nervous to peel the tape up but I think it turned out great!  

I was going to get the living room "photo ready" but Emma is zonked out from daycare so I didn't have the heart to kick her off the couch. 

That's it!

Today's plan was to make the curtain for the windows in these pictures that are naked but my iron (aka hair straightener) has decided it doesn't want to turn on so chaos is happening in my apartment. 

Sorry for the crappy pictures, the light in my apartment sucks and differs greatly throughout the day.  

I think this is my life motto. 

I'm not sure where it went, but it's gone y'all.  My patience went and packed its bags and moved elsewhere.  If there was one resolution I should have made for the New Year, it would be to have more patience.  But, I'm not foolin' myself.  As soon as I get in a situation where it's needed, I completely lose my shit.

Saturday, I was going to my friend's son's birthday party and it was quite a ways out of the city.  We needed air in the tires and I wanted to get them filled before I left.  Matt said it was really easy so off I went with my 75 cents.  I did everything correct and when I went to put the air machine into the tire, the pressure meter started going down. WTF. I went off.  I started checking the other tires, flailing around on the ground, calling Matt in a fury, whipping the air hose around...it was quite the scene I'm sure.  I should have just politely screwed the caps back on, went home and asked Matt to go take care of it.  Instead, I made an ass out of myself. 

Yesterday we went to the mall (UGH) because I needed to return two shirts that Matt brought me for Christmas.  I walked into Forever 21, and the line was wrapped around the store, yet there was about 17 employees standing in a group yapping their lips off.  I went to the second floor check out counter and asked if I needed to return something downstairs.  The girl said this counter was closed.   I told her I wasn't standing in that fucking line and walked out.  I was fuming.  I think I probably had steam coming out of my ears.  When there is that many people waiting to check out, tell your employees to get the fuck to work and open up another register. We went to Target, I got myself a coffee and I said I would go try again.  This was the last possible day for me to return these shirts, so I had to do it.  

I walked back in the store and the line was much more manageable, about 6 people.  I get up to the counter and the girl working calls over the manager to do the return and it was the exact. same. girl. from. upstairs who I just said fuck too. HAH. Maybe she got my message and actually opened up another counter.  I gave her the stink eye the whole time.  

I wish I could be one of those people who lets this kind of stuff just roll of their backs, but I realized, I'm not. I used to be when I was birth control, but I also realized I was pretty devoid of emotions at that point. 

So I guess I need to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Being absolutely bat shit crazy insane or a zombie.

A few weeks ago we learned that neighbor upstairs would be moving out. 

I didn't think anything of it until Matt went upstairs to see the apartment this past week and excitedly came running back downstairs and told us we needed to move up there. It's completely remolded, has 2 bedrooms, an open concept kitchen/living room, and a little deck.  They were only paying $70 more in rent then we are. 

I told him fine, text the landlord, don't get your hopes up, blah blah blah. I then found the listing on Craigslist and saw that they had now listed the apartment for $200 more than what the other guy was paying!  I had gotten my hopes up.  I started envisioning the layout of the place and got excited about a fresh start.  I really do like the apartment we are in now but we kind of just came in and slapped things on the walls and have never really "decorated". Most of the shit on the wall come's from Matt's bachelor days and if I could throw it in the trash, it would be gone in a heartbeat.

Our landlord eventually texted us back saying that the apartment had been rented.  Sad trombone.  Whoever is moving in there is getting ripped off though, no way that apartment should be rented for $1,375.  I also hope they are not loud people and walk around like elephants or play music loudly at 11 pm.  Joys of apartment living!

I decided though that it's about darn time to fix up our apartment though, yah know, with all of this money that doesn't exist.  First order of business is a DIY rug from IKEA.  I'll let you know how it goes and how many swear words exit my mouth when I'm attempting some chevron stripe shit.

Oh hey 2012!

I thoroughly enjoyed my 4 day weekend from work.  Wish those would happen all the time, I could get used to it. 

The past few days I turned 25 (!!!), ate too much Chinese food, took way too many naps, snuggled my pup, didn't really clean, watched some movies, saw Young Adult, oh, and saw AMERICAN NIGHTMARE.

Standing outside in the freezing cold for an hour, not being able to feel my toes was so worth it. There was also a rumor of Ryan Gosling being in attendance but I didn't even notice.  In case you have never been to a hardcore show, this is what you are missing out on:

Source

Probably one of the greatest nights. 

My google reader is bursting, my work email is overflowing, so I need to get my bum in gear. 

Do you ever listen to music and get instantly transformed to a certain time in your life?  I do. 



I put on Pandora at work yesterday and this song came on, along with a few others from the same album and it brought me back to a few years ago, sitting in my huge Mission Hill apartment bedroom, huddled under the blankets because we couldn't afford to turn the heat past 60 and being heartbroken because Matt had broken up with me. I'm not sure why this album was such a great break-up album but I listened to it over and over again and haven't really listened to it much since then.  Felt weird hearing it yesterday.

This year is ending on a different note.  On Monday I'll be turning 25 and there's something about that age that is definitely no longer in young adult territory and now it's moving toward you better start getting your shit together territory. I waver back and forth between thinking that this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life.  We only get one chance at this thing and I laid awake last night wondering it this was it for me.  I'm not exactly sure where to go from here, and I know that's vague, but maybe I'll find the words in a bit.

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas. I sure did. It was just Matt and I (and Emma) in the morning. Matt kept hinting the night before that this years stocking was the most expensive stocking ever, which made me believe there might be some jewelry in there, but there wasn't.  It was a gift card to the camera store.  BOYS. I'm not sure what exactly $25 is going to get me at a store where the cheapest thing is like $300, but, he tried.  He also bought me a Kindle which I love love love.  I didn't want the newest one with internet stuff because I know I would just surf the net instead of actually reading.

He about shit his pants when he opened his gift.  He loved it and even knew a guy that was featured in the book, pretty damn cool.  We spent Christmas afternoon at his parents house.  I always enjoy time with his family.  His new sister-in-law has declared a war on Christmas though and doesn't want her infant son believing in Santa.  What in the holy hell are you supposed to say to that?  I just looked at her with a smile and walked away.  

Anyways- since the New Year is 4 days away I figured I would re-visit my goals from last year and see if I actually accomplished anything.

This past years list included:
-Land a job closer to/in Boston: Done!  Landed a job IN Boston.
-Get out of debt: Uhhh, I think I actually accumulated more debt on one credit card but paid down another.
-Learn to knit: Nope.  Matt's Grandmother talked to me a few days ago about it though so I think I'm going to start soon.
-Take more pictures:  I think I did!
-Scrapbook more: Complete fail.
-Travel outside the United States: Yes!  If Puerto Rico counts, which it does. We need to get Matt a passport so we can start going other places.  And win the lottery.


On to this years list:

-Finish school and get my degree
-Seriously get out of debt
-Travel out of the state, maybe take a mini road trip
-Try to cook more

That's it, I think.

Christmas is finally here!  I can't wait until tomorrow morning.  I think I'm more excited than the kids.

Today, we let A open up his Wii console and games since we won't have him tomorrow morning.   He was pretty excited and has been playing ever since.  I just can't wait to watch Netflix on my couch. So far this month we have decorated the tree, had a gingerbread house making night with A's cousin, mailed cards, watched the Grinch and Elf, and tomorrow we will soak up this holiday with family. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.







(I won those cards through a giveaway and they were adorable. Check out the shop: Ribbons & Bluebirds)

I normally try not to discuss the workings of our relationship with A's mother because I'm not exactly sure that a personal blog is the place to air the dirty laundry so I'm going to approach this topic as lightly as I can.

We try our very very best not to say anything bad about his mother, her significant other and anything that may go on in their home.  I'm not quite sure that respect is reversed but we try not to fall into little games. Holidays are always challenging because according to their court agreement, each parent has time with A, but the beginning time is not specified.  To make things easier, and to try and be conscious of Christmas, we offered to meet with A's mom on Christmas Eve so that he could wake up at her house and do all the Christmas hoopla and then we would take him from 1-6. This seemed fine and dandy, but yesterday, she changed the plans and we would only be getting him from 3-6. 

Before I met Matt, he would have probably just said okay and left it at that.  BUT, I don't play that game.  They have a court agreement stating that we get to see A from 1-6 and technically, we don't have to drop A off on Christmas Eve but were doing so to be nice.  See what being nice gets you? 

This whole situation is extremely frustrating for me because most people don't see this side of things.  They don't see the perspective from the dad's side and automatically assume he's some deadbeat asshole who wants nothing to do with his child.  But Matt does.  He pays more than he's supposed to in child support, wants to see A regularly, would love to have A full time, yet keeps getting shit on over and over again.  There's this manipulation game that keeps going on and we try our best to stay out of it but it grates on you.  How fun is it that you may have to call the local authorities on Christmas because the mother of child is in contempt of court and won't hand your son over.

Luckily, I don't think that will be happening because we went back to our original agreement.  But, I don't understand the need for drama.  Why can't things just be?  Things are going well, we are trying to compromise, make the best decisions for A, and when it looks like things might actually be going okay....BAM.  Shit hits the fan.

We are not going to let this little blip ruin our Christmas though and we will try and make A one very happy boy.  We know he will have fun at his mom's house and we want that for him, we just wish that she wanted the same at our house.

It's over!  WAHOO.

It's probably going to take a few days for it to sink in and by then, my next semester will be starting.  I passed Accounting and hopefully I never ever ever have to take a course again.  Next semester I'm taking Micro-economics and Algebra, snooze fest. 5 more classes for my degree, 5 more.

Now, onto Christmas!



Loving that song right now, along with Sufjan Stevens Christmas stuff.  Dare I say, She & Him has taken a back seat. Matt and I are going to try and finish up shopping tonight and then that will be done.  He invited some friends over for a Christmas party on Christmas Eve. Bless his heart. It doesn't sound like too many people will be able to attend, duh, so it may just be us, TBS and Ralphie and his BB gun.

3 more days of work before spending way too much time on the couch begins.

So, you know what's even more effed up the having an accounting final on Monday?  Having a quiz and an exam a few days before!  Seriously.  Because I didn't already want to peel my face off. 
I never really suffered from anxiety before but I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.  I have SO much riding on this accounting final and I'm terrified.  My memory is shot to shit and trying to remember everything is, impossible.  Next Monday at 8 pm it will all be over and hopefully I will pass and never have to take another accounting class in my life. I also need to finish up my management class which won't be difficult, it's just a bunch of 'busy work' which I also hate.

Anyways-I'm digging my way out of this hole and hope to be back soon with something more exicting than talk of higher education. I even have some pictures!

It's already hump day.  That's what I like to hear. I feel as though the next two weeks are going to fly by, mainly due to the fact that my accounting final is on the 19th, and eeeeeeeeek!

This past weekend was lovely though and I'm trying to keep focused on not going absolutely haywire. Matt was rather bummed when I brought up the idea of no tree, so I caved in and we now have a tree in the living room.  Of course I love all of the cliche things, such as watching Teen Mom 2 while admiring the glowing lights, it makes my heart full.

But, with the addition of this tree, comes the addition of Emma's curiosity.  I already knew she was going to be infatuated but I can't keep her away from the damn thing. She loves going over to sniff it, which is cute, but then the needles fall off and then she starts digging her head in a little deeper, starts drinking from the base, licking the presents, rolling around, etc.  By the end of the month, I predict our tree will be bare from about waist height down.

We also took A to see Santa at the mall.  As we we're walking in, Santa was just coming out of his room and going up the escalator and A got his first peek at the big man.  He sat on Santa's lap, made the goofiest face ever, and told Santa he wanted "wolverine hands".  Shit.  Didn't buy him those.  Hopefully his mom comes through.

I have pictures of all of this crap and I know I'm a bad blogger because I didn't post pictures but I leave my house when it's dark and get home when it's dark so pictures will have to wait until the weekend.  Stay tuned.

Tonight, my downstairs neighbor invited me down to have a girls night with wine and salad, so wine for dinner it is!

Last Friday, Matt and I both had the day off so we decided to pack up the child kid and dog kid and take them to a new park.




A is a bit of a wiener when it comes to things that may get the adrenaline pumping so he didn't partake of the really cool zipline that this new park offers, or the rope climbing structure that leads to a huge slide, but he seemed to enjoy himself.  I spent most of the time walking with Emma and looking at birds in the water.    If she wasn't on her leash, she would have been swimming with those birds.

Yesterday, I got word that I won a contest for some Christmas cards so once they arrive, I will share them.  I guess my last post of not being able to send out cards will be damned.  Matt also was whining last night about getting a tree so I might just be a big fat liar about that too.

Right now I'm listening to Against Me, about ready to start on a DIY gift for our parents and will spend the rest of the day wrapping gifts, doing a little homework and cleaning.

It doesn't appear that this year I will be sending out Christmas cards or getting a Christmas tree. 

The weeks are just flying by and I can't seem to get my crap together. By now, even if we did take pictures, order prints, etc for the cards, by the time people got them, it would too late.  I'm also not sure if the hassle of a tree is worth it.  Sigh.

We won't have A for Christmas morning and will probably open gifts at Matt's moms house so he won't miss anything.  It does make me a little sad though but I literally don't have the energy or mental capacity to try and fit those tasks in. 

Accounting is in full gear and the final is on the 19th.  I can't wait for it to be over. Maybe next year when my school load doesn't stress me out completely, holiday traditions will resume. (fingers crossed)

I have been doing some holiday shopping though and am probably about half done.  All of it online, checking multiple websites to get the best deals, it's been fun. I scored a black Wii for A for $99.  He has one at his Mom's house (it seems like he has every toy under the sun there) but I'm hoping he still gets really excited about it. I'm also stoked because now we will be able to watch Netflix in the living room.  Win Win.

I really love holidays.  I love spending time with family, even if it's not mine.  Matt's family has welcomed me with open arms and this is my third Thanksgiving with them.  There's 4 siblings total, and their kids, so the environment is always fun and exciting with lot's of laughing and poking fun at each other.

I woke up yesterday and took Emma to daycare.  She was not invited to Thanksgiving and I wanted her to be able to get out and exercise a bit before we left her home. I came home with a coffee and set to work on my vegan pumpkin whoopie pies.  They turned out great!  I may have eaten three already today. Matt tried his hand at individual apple pies but ended up stabbing them all with a fork and throwing them in the trash, guess they didn't turn out.

We left around 1 for his moms and sat in traffic for like 2 hours.  There is always always always traffic going out of the city but it was pure torture yesterday. We finally made it, cooked some more, ate some great food and played with a cute baby.  And for those people, like my Aunt, who think I eat only lettuce  for meals, take a look at that plate of food.  Mmmmm, it's making me hungry again.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, as if you needed a reminder, but holy shit.

I'm in charge of making vegan pumpkin whoopie pies, of which I have yet to buy the ingredients for.  Good thing my boyfriend works at a grocery store!  How convenient.  Last time I tried to bake something this past summer, it ended with me in tears and a cake in the garbage.  I'm crossing my fingers it goes better.

I have so much to be thankful for.  Of course the usual family, friends, jobs, homes and sometimes I forget how lucky I am.  I don't have much but I don't need a lot.  Insert awkward segway into this funny picture...

Happy field roast day tomorrow!

Today I was actually a little excited about coming to work.  The only reason being, I would be able to get a coffee. I've had a horrible headache the past two days of which I think belongs to not having a coffee in the morning. I hate taking medicine unless I absolutely need it so I sat around both days with my head hurting and did absolutely nothing.

Matt was away both days working and screen-printing and I think Emma didn't feel very good either because she was such a snuggle bug on Saturday.  Normally she's bouncing off the walls but she couldn't bury herself under the blankets fast enough.

I did go out on Saturday night though.  Two days this week in which I ventured out of the house.  Amazing and tiring. My old-coworker invited me to go see the Kooks with her on the guest list. Ooohh. We grabbed a drink before we headed in and I'm always amused by the type of crowd certain bands bring in.  I was not expecting the crowd I saw.  It was what appeared to be a bunch of bro guys and sorority girls. Now, I don't really know the Kooks so maybe I have no idea what fan base they attract but their fans were entertaining.  I had this guy in front of me there with his date who was probably the most obnoxious person ever.  He danced more than I've ever seen any guy before and he kept trying to do a British accent like the singer. In between songs, his date and him would have these all out make out sessions. It was weird.

3 day work week. I'm pumped. We are going to Matt's moms house for Thanksgiving. I have no family around so we always spend our time there and I really like them so it's fun. Of course, I would love to spend some time with my family too but a plane ticket across the country and the hassle to do so is out of my budget.