Why are guys so silly? I don't get them and they seem to be pretty simple creatures. It's been a year since I've broken up with B and I've been on a few dates and have hung out with a good amount of guys. Obviously, none of them have worked. One looked like Kurt Cobain except he was really quiet. One was just hot and a douchebag. One, okay a few, were way to clingy. And then I met another one Friday night and today he proceeds to send pictures of himself to my e-mail address? WHY? I can only laugh because....really? He seems like a nice guy, kind of cute and then BAM had to send me pictures of himself.

I do have a blind date Friday. I'm excited. We texted for a bit and the boy seems to actually have a brain. And can use big words! It's going to be a late date though so we're going to go to the movies...Transformers? Do hardcore boys like that? No idea, tough shit.

If this doesn't work out I'm just going to marry my new baby...the D200. I'm in love.

I don't really know what to think about today. I sign into my e-mail this morning and start reading the updated blogs. They all have these super wonderful fathers day posts written out. It makes me teary eyed and sick to my stomach all at once.

It's been 5 years since I've talked to me Dad.

I wonder what he's doing today. If he ever thinks of what he lost.

I think I've been at my new job about a month now and everything is going splendidly. I went through my archives a few days ago and read some of the old posts about my former nanny jobs. I can't imagine working for that again and I'm finally glad I decided to grow some balls and stand up for myself.

I spent yesterday playing with my adorable little Ellie outside. When I first met her she cried and cried and cried but now I think we are figuring each other out. She usually only cries if she is hungry or tired. Plus those smiles she gives me right before she falls asleep, love them!



We had one nice day of weather and now gross rain for days. But this makes me happy! Mmmmmmm



Rode last night to the common the see The Hangover. OMG. I about peed myself from laughing so hard. Plus the preview for Bruno looks just as laugh inducing, have to go see that.

I booked my flight to Germany! I'm really excited and even more excited that it's only a month away.

Another busy weekend. Friday I went and met new baby Scho. He is so adorable and slept pretty much the entire time. Also had a nice chat with Mary. Usually they are running out the door or I am when I go to babysit so it was fun to sit and talk. Had lunch with Nicole and then came back to the city to meet Kate. We went thrift store shopping in Davis Square. Didn't find anything though :(

Went up with Dan, Heather and the boys at Picco in the South End. We had pizza and ice cream and way to many inappropriate stories. Also learned how to catch face lice, gag, and almost passed out.



After THAT, Heather and I headed to JP for the Nesop graduation party. Had a beer, talked with people and walked home around 2 am. Such a busy day. Last night Heather and I went bike riding and it kicked my ass. I went to bed at 10 pm and couldn't drag myself out this morning until almost 1. So pathetic.

The weekends of having something planned everyday are over. Hooray! Finally time to enjoy some camping, bbqing, and the nice weather.

............

Sorry, got distracted. Heather texted saying she had carrot cake so I hauled ass on my bike over there to get some. Delicious! I also made Conor give me a ride on his motorcycle around Boston. That thing was so much fun!

Anyways-Friday night I babysat for a couple from California. The parents were a riot, we had a good time and the kids were insanely good. After that I went over to the hostel where Colin works. He's spending the summer in Nebraska so we had a little going away party for him. We went to the dive bar TC's, I did two shots and had a stoli and sprite. I was done. Went back to Heather's house and fell asleep cuddling with Juddy. Gah, that boy. He's moving back to Boston and I would love for it to go somewhere but knowing my luck it won't. So I'm not getting my hopes up and just letting things happen when they happen.

I went riding tonight by myself down to the Charles river to look at the skyline. So nice and peaceful. I really really love this city.

Seasons keep me in check. Winter is there to remind me that mother nature sucks and also to truly enjoy the other months. Summer is not my favorite season but I love nights like tonight. Perfect sunset, a cool breeze and driving home during twilight. Watching Boston light up. This is what makes winter worth it.

Heather came over last night and we chatted about life. She thinks come September that she is going to pack up all over her stuff and move to Taos for a month and then after that who knows. Of course this makes me incredibly sad. I feel like since I've moved here all of the people whom I've grown to really care about move away. The nannies all went back to Europe and now Heather is leaving. I have also been starting to hang out with Kate more and her and Mike are thinking of moving to San Fran next Summer. It just bums me out.

I would love to be able to pack up my stuff and just move on but I don't feel like I have that urgency yet. I know before I can go anywhere I need to finish school. I would also like to put in a few years as a paralegal just to get some experience. If, after that, I feel like I need to go somewhere I will.

I've traveled through almost all of the states and have seen a few countries. For some reason Boston just feels like home to me. Even though I'm sad that my friends are leaving I know I will continue to make new ones and as long as I feel at home here, I'll probably stay.

The road trip was fast, furious and really fun. We left a little later than we wanted to on Thursday night but we were still able to make it to the border of Pennsylvania. We slept in the car the first night at some rest stop. Actually Heather slept in the car and I tossed and turned the whole time.

Pennsylvania's roads were pretty much tore up all throughout the state. We would go through 15 miles of construction, get a one mile break and then another 15 miles. It made for a long day but we survived and passed into West Virgina. I was pleasantly surprised with this state. It was so green and beautiful. The people were interesting but the state was nice. Kentucky was beautiful too. Rolling green hills. We stopped in Lexington for some dinner and drinks. We were driving around and saw tattooed people sitting outside a bar so we decided to go there. They recommended getting a 'hot brown' from this restaurant down the street so we did. I had never heard of that but is is

"The Hot Brown is an open-faced sandwich of turkey and bacon, covered in Mornay sauce and baked or broiled until the bread is crisp and the sauce begins to brown. Many Hot Browns also include ham with the turkey, and either pimentos or tomatoes over the sauce...

sounds disgusting, but it was actually really good. We went back to the bar and got to hang out with the locals. There accents were so thick, it was funny to talk to them. They were nice but we hit the road again. I couldn't handle another night of sleeping or rather not sleeping in the car so we drove to Elizabethtown and I paid for a dumpy motel room. We went through Tennessee the next day and ate at Sonic and drove straight through Arkansas. From what I saw out of the car windows, Arkansas didn't look to pleasant.

We were going to stop in Oklahoma city to do the dinner and drinks thing again but right as we were coming into the city we got hit with a huge storm. The rain started and it was pretty heavy so people started stopping underneath highway overpasses. I kind of laughed at them, and we kept driving. Then the hail hit. The hail was hitting the car so hard we though the windshield was going to break. We got off the highway and stopped on a little driveway into an apartment complex. The complex was chained off so we couldn't go any farther. About 5 minutes later the street was completely flooded and we needed to get out of their before we were stuck. Heather had to jump out and make sure the car wasn't on the chain while I backed up into a gigantic water puddle. It was insane and we were both shaking by the end of it. We made it to Oklahoma City and had dinner and drinks at some local dive, The Biting Sow. We walked around after trying to find some hipper places but they all charged a cover fee. It was crazy, you walked into a bar that had 3 whole people in it and they wanted a $7 cover fee. Boston doesn't even have those so we just watched some street performers and hit the road again. We got a hotel again and ate at some cute diner the next morning. I thought Oklahoma was gorgeous. Flat, rolling hills with lots of wheat. Reminded me of Western Montana. Huge skies were you could see for miles, I loved it.

We drove through Amarillo in the morning and stopped at the Cadillac Ranch on the way out of town. We also stopped at the biggest cross west of something. The jesus billboards, jesus radio stations and jesus gas stations were all a little much for me. Actually it made me quite uncomfortable. I'm all for freedom of religion but don't push it down my throat and anyone else that happens to drive down the road. They have to realize that not everyone believes in the same religion they do, right? Probably not. We then got to New Mexico. We were both extremely tired at this point so we just drove around Albuquerque. We stopped to have some real Mexican food and I'm still thinking about it. It was delicious.

We also grabbed a coffee before Heather dropped me off at the airport. She still had three hours to drive so I had her drop me off around 10 pm even though my flight wasn't until 6 am. I thought I would be able to sleep. I thought wrong. I pulled an all nighter and I'm still paying for it. My body didn't know what the hell was going on.

Now I'm trying to get back into somewhat of a routine. I feel so off with changing jobs and school ending. I have more busy weekends ahead but then hopefully it slows down so I can get back to normal.

Tomorrow I am driving to New Mexico with Heather. We have 4 days to get there and then I'm flying home bright and early on Monday morning to be back to work on Tuesday.

I bought my ticket home last night, nothing like waiting until the last minute, but when you don't know you are leaving until two days before you leave, that happens.

Hopefully we both make it home alive without killing each other and with lot's of pictures and stories about southern boys.

I feel like every post I start has something to do with how busy I feel and this one is no different. This weekend was extremely busy. On Friday I went and met Nicole at her doctors office. We went out to lunch, bj's, and then I ran some other extra errands. I hate running errands, so mundane. Her shower was on Saturday so I had to get all the little things down.

Saturday was her shower. We got up and got breakfast and then went to work. I didn't want her there because I knew she would help and she did. I don't think I could have gotten everything together though without her. Some guests showed up 45 minutes early which threw me for a little loop and then trying to wrangle everyone outside was also fun. Other than that, I think it went okay. I didn't sit down once and was running all over the place so I didn't get to enjoy it as much but I hope everyone else enjoyed themselves.





I had to babysit on Sunday so I just stayed over at Nicole's again. Maddie was great as always and Mary is getting ready to have the baby any day. Rob thinks it's going to be this week. I just want to know what it is.

Tomorrow I don't have to work until 4 so I'm going to ride my bike, grocery shop and sleeeeep.

The weekend was a blur and it's so nice to have today off to catch up and get ready for my first day of work tomorrow at my new job.

Friday my bosses had a BBQ for me, except with pizza. Rich is an amazing cook. We also had sangria, lots and lots of sangria. It was nice hanging out with them for a few hours, not having to worry about work or the kids. They gave me an incredibly sweet card and we had our exchange of tears. Rich and Barry also told me they thought of me as their little sister and I'm part of the family now. I'm going to miss them.



Friday night I was going to stay in, but decided to go out instead. We went and say Catie's band Sway at the Plough and the Stars in Central Square. It was nice, the band is so cute. Not to mention hot lawyer-in-training is in the band. Yum.

Saturday Heather and I went bike shopping. After living in the city I have come to realize why people ride bikes. Biking is much faster, cheaper and gives you a nice ass to boot. I bought my little Torker, he's so cute.



That night we went back to Central Square to celebrate Ann-Marie's birthday at the Pheonix Landing. Heather and I decided to ride our bikes there. We got all cute and dressed up and then it started pouring. We sat in my apartment for a second until the rain stopped. We thought it was safe but we were wrong. It started pouring while we were riding to Cambridge. I was in a skirt and tights and looked like a drowned rat by the time we got there. It wasn't a pretty sight. We still danced all night long, even getting up on the benches to dance for some awesome 80's music.

Sunday-Mother's Day, didn't do a damn thing. I think I laid in my bed for 10 hours, I was so sore.

Busy busy weekend and busy busy week.

So this is it. My last day of work with my boys is tomorrow. I've been tearing up all week thinking about it. I thought about it even more while walking tonight and I know this time was coming but it's hard. This is the first time I've actually felt that the people I work for appreciated me. I didn't mind coming to work, I had fun with them. I think of them as my family know and I know this is not the end.

I have homework due tomorrow that I am currently not doing. Take that computer class!

This weekend was fun. On Saturday I went with Nicole to Stephanie's bridal shower. I think those events are more fun when it's not actually your family. You can stand back and watch the drama unfold and not have to actively be a part of if. Until on of the Aunts explains to you that her photographer ruined her wedding. What a pleasant thing to say to the very very amateur photographer...aka me...of this wedding. After the shower we went and get pedi's. It was amazing and something that I will have to do more often.

Yesterday I went with Kate and Justin to the arboretum in Jamaica Plain. That place is beautiful! I want to take Nicole there to get some maternity shots. Here are some of the shots she took.







I am super critical of myself, but I think these turned out okay. We had a lot of fun. We ended the day with a trip to the movies to see X-Men Origins. I have not seen the rest of the X-Men movies but I really enjoyed it. Going to have to watch the other ones now.

2 more days with my boys :( They are having a BBQ for me on Friday, coming home from work early so we can grill. I got teary eyed tonight when Barry was telling me the plan, asking me what kind of food I want to eat. I don't want this to be the end. I am excited to start a new adventure with a new family though and I'll always remain friends with these guys.

I think all of Massachusetts heard me let a big huge SIGH today because I got the JOB!

Yay Yay Yay Yay Yay Yay

I start May 12th. Just looking at the boys today made me tear up, I am going to miss them so much. Even on the days they are little shits, they are still MY little shits and I love them :( 5 more days together. I need to think of something to get their parents...hmm....ideas?

I needed this weekend. The weather was amazing, even though I'm sweating like a pig. I had a great night out for Conor's birthday. We went out to Charlies Kitchen in Harvard Square. It's a little dive bar with amazing burgers and okay drinks. I had a total of three drinks and could barely walk, I'm such a lightweight. The guys were all extremely funny and I almost laughed until I cried on numerous occasions, along with almost peeing myself. Colin tried to get me to make out with him the whole night and at the very end he got a kiss on the cheek. Lucky dude!



Today I had two interviews. They both went extremely well and now I'm afraid I'll be offered two jobs and have to decline one :( They are both pretty much the same thing and I like both families equally so the we'll see what happens. By the end of the week I hope to finally know if I have a job. I'm treating myself to a pedicure when I get one and I need a pedicure BAD.

Is this week over yet? Between school, work, trying to find a job, being sick and trying to find a job, I'm spent. Seriously spent. I don't know at what point my body and mind start mentally breaking down but I feel like it's close, and it scares me. I have a working interview with a family in Belmont on Sunday and before that I have an interview with a family in Lexington. I also have one on Monday with some family somewhere else. Still, I'm scared. I just want this whole thing to be over so I can move on with my life and stop stressing about every little thing. Less than two weeks to go.

This weekend was interesting. I had a lovely Friday night with Nicole. We went to dinner and shopping. Got caught up on all of the gossip that we needed to. It was nice to hang out and her pregnant belly is pretty damn adorable. So weird seeing your good friends pregnant. On Saturday morning I drove down to New Jersey to see the boy. I get there and he wants to take his truck to the car wash, no big deal. Then he comes home and wants to vacuum out the fucking thing. I am literally sitting on the steps of his house for a good hour, hour and a half while he vacuums. We went for a long drive after that and chatted a bit. It was at this point that he started to become distant I guess? It was weird. We went back to his house and he played video games and then we ate dinner with his family. I adored his parents, they were amazing.

After dinner we decided to go out to a bar with one of his friends. In Nicks words, he wanted to get fucked up. Lovely, eh? Have a nice girl visiting from another state and you want to get completely smashed. We're sitting at dinner and I'm chatting with his friend about life and what not. While we're talking, Nick starts talking to the two girls that are sitting at the table next to us. I seriously was speechless. I'm still speechless and want to know what the fuck was running through that boys head. We went to his friends house to hang out, we were there for all of 20 minutes when Nick needed to go home because he was plastered.

He came home, passed out on the futon and that was it. I should have just left then but I had had some drinks so that was out. I woke up in the morning, he started cleaning his room for a house showing and then I left. He hasn't talked to me all week and I sure as hell am not initiating conversation with him. He wanted to come up this weekend since his friends were but I doubt that is going to happen. Don't know if I even really want to see him anyways. I would like to talk to him to see what the fuck is going on.

Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea. I'm not wasting my time on someone like that.

I'm just sayin', getting complimented by a suicide girl when your tattoos are not even visible will really boost your confidence.


I went to Heathers art show tonight in Southie. It was really really fun. I went with Dan and all of his roommates who kept me laughing the entire time. Tears rolling down my face laughing.

I was talking to one of Heathers friends and this group of people was standing next to us, four of them. They kept looking over at me and then looking away. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I was getting very embarrassed because I thought they were making fun of me and honestly had no idea why. :( I walked over to Heather and asked if she knew them, of course she did. She went to talk to them and the girl came over and said they kept looking at me because they thought I was adorable. Serious self confidence booster!

I need to go to bed, but I'm still pumped from tonight. Might be heading to Jersey this weekend and dinner date tomorrow with Nicole!

All of a sudden my life has been throw into busy mode. I'm not liking it, I probably shouldn't even be writing this because I have so much to do.

I just had to jot down my first time ever getting pulled over. It's a historic moment in many peoples lives and mine was no different. Heather needed me to drive her to Southie to drop of some prints for her show next weekend. Of course I said yes. We're driving along and hit a red light. It turns green and the car in front of me just starts inching forward, I wait, he sits there so I honk and drive around him. This was legal because it was a one way street. Not even two seconds later he flips on his lights. I don't think I registered at this point that I was getting pulled over because, seriously, who gets pulled over for honking. Especially considering I always drive at least 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, I guess they don't care about that. The officer got out of his car and gave me a nice little chat about exactly what a horn is used for. Apparently it's not allowed to be used to tell people to "get the eff out of my way". I'm still cracking up about it.

Thursday night is free night at the ICA so we went. Shepard Fairy's art exhibit is being shown right now. He is the one that did the very popular Obama print.



I hadn't seen very much of his work before this but I'm in love with it! It's amazing. They had this huge piece of a little girl smelling a rose out of a grenade and I think it might be my favorite. The print in the show looked different than this but I like how he pastes them in cities.



Back to work. I have an interview today that I'm feeling very hopeful about, I really really need this job so I need it to go well.

**Warning, vent ahead**

If you don't want to know my true feelings than turn back now. This is the reason I have a blog. For me to get my thoughts out. I don't give my blog address to family or very many friends because frankly, some times I need to bitch about them.

This is one of those times.



After the break-up of Bob and I, he admittedly took it harder than I did. Does that mean that I didn't hurt? No, I did. I cried through a good week for him. I felt like a total bitch hurting him but I didn't love him and needed to move on. I had never experienced a break up before and thought that my friends would come running with pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and movies for us to watch. They didn't. I made it through that time by myself. I remember on one occasion asking to go to a club to get my mind off of things. That didn't happen. A party was thrown but since Bob was there, I wasn't invited. I totally understand that he doesn't want to hang out with me, especially at his house. I just thought maybe my friend would say screw the party, want to go to dinner? I sat at home that night crying again.

I'm not used to this kind of 'friendship'. Growing up I had a very very few select people who I called my friend. I would bend over fucking backwards for these people if they ever needed me. I know they would do the same. Coming here it's been quite a shock to the system because that isn't necessarily happening.

So, since Nicole's birthday is right around the corner and her being what I would consider one of my best friends, I wanted to celebrate it with her. Especially since this is her last childless birthday. It's kind of a big one. I had been talking to her about it for awhile. I even mentioned once planning something if John wasn't going to. I was assured that John had it handled and I didn't need to worry about it. I have been bugging her for a few weeks, let me know what the plan is. I also told her to let me know if Bob was going to be there. This was when I thought Nick might be coming down and that would be awkward for all involved, but I highly doubt he's coming so now I don't care if Bob will be there.

Imagine my surprise when today I'm informed that me, Nicole, John and possibly Heather can go to dinner. Then they are going to Bobs house for a party, but I'm not invited. I wasn't going to get offended or hurt, but it happened. I'm human. So that's it. I'm going to spend an hour at dinner with them and then come home.

Why does this upset me so much? Because I've been there for Nicole a lot. We used to spend pretty much every single day together and now that I'm living in Boston that hasn't been happening. She see's Bob all of the time now so I don't quite understand why it's of the up most importance to spend the evening with a bunch of fucking underage drunken teenagers. It makes me feel like shit. I'll probably spend the evening planning her baby shower where I see hundreds and hundreds of dollars flying out of my bank account and absolutely no business spending that kind of money. But I want to. Because that's what friends do. Or so I thought.

Yesterday I called my mom and told her that I wanted to try and contact my read dad.

This is something I have been thinking about for awhile but watching Dr. Phil yesterday made me make the call. He had families on who from the help of The Locater, had been re-united.

When I was younger I always said I never had any interest in knowing him. But as I've gotten older, I've been more curious. What is he like? What personality traits of mine did I get from him? I know I have half-siblings, what are they like? Do they even know I exist?

I don't know if I'll even been able to find him, or talk to him, but I'm going to try.