Isn't that the truth.

Matt was MIA again last night.  I needed the last four of his social so I could split up our T-Mobile accounts but from about 3 pm on, he was nowhere to be found. I could give two shits less what he's doing or who he's doing it with, but while we are still living together and tying up loose ends, it would be nice for him to at least respond when I ask him a question. I'm not asking him to get back together, far from it.  I just want to get everything squared away so I can peace out.

I slept on the couch but he didn't come home so that was a wasted effort.  Guess he went over to his 'friends' house, left his phone in the car and fell asleep. Uh huh.  And I was born yesterday. Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not but disappearing twice in the matter of week is slightly suspicious.  If I still didn't have the responsibility of dealing with Emma, my shit would be packed so fast but he's apparently washed his hands of her as well.

Why is my life filled with a bunch of useless men who can't do anything? I'm so irritated with ALL OF THEM.

My landlord for one has been a complete piece of shit this whole time.  It started with him giving me 4 hours notice that he was showing the place.  I got into it with him on the sidewalk because I told him that wouldn't work, yet he completely disregarded that fact and has been an asshole ever since.  He says he'll keep our deposit if he can't get the place rented. HA.  Good luck buddy.  Yesterday he texted me that people are interested in the apartment but are turned off by the dark colors.  Uh, the living room is gray?  AND IT'S PAINT. For the love of Christ, we can paint over it before we move out but I sure as hell am not painting it now between trying to wrangle a dog and pack.  He eventually called Matt because he didn't like the answers he was getting from me because I can't take his shit.  He picked the wrong person in the relationship to be a dick to.

Matt, oh Matt.  I've been trying to deal with him civilly and I think I've done a pretty good job but why am I the only that has to drop everything and re-arrange my schedule when we have apartment showings?  He's out gallivanting around town doing God knows what, won't even respond to a pretty important text message, while I'm trying to pick up all the pieces.  I have my own shit to do but I guess that's not important. 

This needs to be over soon before I fucking murder someone.

I have a place to live!  I got word this morning that the girls in the apartment I went to look out would love to have me. I'm so relieved and excited.  It will be a fresh start, I'll (hopefully) make some new friends and things will be okay.  I still have a long list of things to accomplish but at least that's over with.

Last night I went out with an old coworker.   We always have a great time bitching about men and drinking margaritas.  She's a big music fan and usually drags me along to great shows.  We went and saw Snow Patrol.  Their music takes me back to road tripping across the US with my ex, him sleeping the whole fucking way and me being left alone with my thoughts on long dark roads. 

Of course I sat behind the two biggest lovebirds in the whole place.  She couldn't stop touching his butt and sucking his face.  After awhile it was comical because it was SO over the top. He went to grab a beer at one point and I didn't think he would come back. But he did.  Snow Patrol put on a great show though.  Some of their songs give me chills...

Emma and I are having a date night tonight.  It saddens me that my days of snuggling her are getting fewer :( 

Saturday I have some appointments and then will be going to a basement hardcore show.  I plan to get a little tipsy with Nicole and stay over.  Maybe paint our nails in between bottles of wine, we'll see.

Nothing has changed.  No home for Emma, no home for me. 

My days are filled with tears because I'm barely hanging on.  This is way way too much change at once.  I go between moments of being incredibly angry at Matt to just completely exhausted with no emotion. I'm not mad at him for breaking up with me, but right now?  The timing couldn't have been more worse.  I'm getting closer to the end of school which means finals and my work is slammed. Plus that whole doing this all in three weeks thing.

I haven't even started packing and I still need to sell a lot of furniture but I don't want to sell the big stuff until sooner to the move, but then what if I don't sell it?  Tons of money just down the shitter which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.

Algebra has me incredibly tense.  It's so difficult to concentrate with all of this going on.

I hope things start falling into place soon.

Now I'm getting stressed.  In 3 weeks I'll need to be out of my apartment but I have yet to find a new place, find a new home for Emma, pack, sell furniture, all while staying on top of my schoolwork and functioning at my job.

I also got a lovely email from my insurance company this morning that any money above the $15/day I have for rental coverage is my responsibility. Huh? I went over this and over this with them.  Some drunk bitch hit me, her insurance will have to pay.  Yet, that's not happening?  So help me God, I'm going to strangle someone through my phone. My boss already said we would send her insurance company a letter if they dick around so, yay for working for a law firm! I shouldn't have to pay over $200 so some twat can walk away from an accident and be all set.  (Yes, I said twat)

Things might be a little quiet around here for awhile but come May, please send lot's of alcohol.

Amazingly, I'm feeling pretty peaceful about this whole situation.  It's quite weird. 
(Minus the stuff to do with Emma.  I don't like thinking/talking about her, it makes me cry).

This is so different from last time.  Maybe because I've been  through it before? I don't know.  Although, this time there is a lot more stuff to figure out.  We've furnished an apartment together, merged health insurance, phones, etc., so dividing all of that up is going to be a fun task.  As well as trying to move an apartment worth of stuff into a room.  I can't afford a place in Boston by myself so I'm going to have to go back to living with roommates.  Sigh.

I woke up this morning and things felt normal.  I came out of the bedroom and Emma leaped off the couch doing her little tail wags, unbeknownst to her that things are going to drastically change soon. Things in our relationship have been kind of rocky for the past few months and I just kept on trudging on.  I thought maybe things would eventually change or our stresses would start to die now and we'd be okay.  Writing about your shitty relationship isn't something that's normally done, nor is talking about it, so while this break up may not be as much of a shock to me, most of my friends and family are. My friends have been great and I think it's during times like these that you really find out what you are capable of.

I hope Matt comes out okay too.  I hope he finds what he's looking for in life and can find happiness. 

The joke about Matt being single if he won wasn't a joke I guess.  He didn't win but now I'm single.

I spent my whole day planning out A's birthday party.  I was excitedly chatting with Nicole all during work as we came up with a thousand fun ideas.  I texted Matt and emailed him my plans but no response.  He texted me when he got off of work that he was sorry, he was just having a crazy day and we would talk when I got home.  Something felt off about this text message so I asked him if everything was okay.  He said yes.


I walked in the door and he was sitting in the bedroom.  Just sitting.  He said we needed to talk.  Everybody on the face of the earth knows what that means.


So, that's it. I didn't melt down like before.  I almost feel okay, like I need to power through it.  We are practically married, having everything intertwined in our lives besides the legal aspects so that sucks.  Also, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep Emma which absolutely rips me apart.  I just know she deserves more than I'm going to be able to give her by myself.  I think that's what I'm most sad about now.


I'll never do this again though.  I'm jaded.  Extremely extremely jaded.  I will never ever date a man who already has a child.  It's not for the weak and I'm not weak but we still couldn't make it.

Anybody else pick up some tickets (or 5, like myself)? I've never played before but I thought why the hell not.  It's a buck (or 5) and it's kind of fun. I know the chances of me winning are like, one in 30 billion but somebody eventually has to win so I may as well take that chance.

If I win, none of y'all will know because I would keep my identity a secret.  I can't imagine the crazies that would come out of the wood work for some of that. I would also talk to attorneys and financial people to see what the best way to go about investing or what not. I hear it's best to not spend any of the principal and just live off the interest but I'd want to help some people out first.  Enough of that boring stuff, now the fun stuff.

-Pay off my Mom's house and debts, buy her or build her a house anywhere she wanted.  This goes for my siblings and friends. I would probably give them a hefty chunk, like 10 million each, to be comfortable. I'd set up college funds for my nieces and nephew, although with that kind of money, would you go to college?

-I'd buy myself a few properties around the world. Nothing crazy like a palace, but modest, like a charming cottage in Ireland (with lots of sheep).

-Finish school?  Man, I don't know.  With that kind of money, I think I'd be all set.

-Quit my job.  Yep, sorry job!

-Travel.  I'd probably take a year or two and travel the globe.  ALL of it. I want to see everything.

-Since I would no longer be working, I'd start doing something that I'm passionate about, such as helping animals.  I think I would set up animal sanctuary around the US, or animal rescues.  Maybe have a huge piece of land with just a ton of dogs running around who were discarded.  Definitely something to help my furry friends.

-Donate, donate, donate.  Or else anonymously help families or people in need.  I always thought it would be so cool to leave a $1,000 tip for a waitress just because. I obviously can't do that at this point, but we're dreaming.

Now, on to Matt's dreams.  I asked him last night what he would do.  He said:

-Buy the Red Sox

-Be single.  NOTED. ;)

I'm still in a bit of a funk and instead of just spewing my hatred for everything on my blog, I just stay away.  Sometimes I bitch it out on Twitter so if you're feeling brave, you can find me there.

Last week I was on Spring Break from school, sadly I still had to come to work.  It was glorious.

But, just because the universe loves shitting on my parade, my car was hit by an "alleged" drunk driver Friday night.  Matt decided to go to bed early because he had to wake up early to go to a meeting so I was just settling in to watch some tv on the couch with Emma.  I heard him start screaming and really didn't think much of it.  (He's known to be a little dramatic) I thought maybe his guitar fell off the bed or something but no, he came running out in his underwear, running to the front door and screaming that a driver just hit our car. 

I jumped up, and ran outside too (Bra-less and shoe-less, we were quite the sight).  Sure enough, there was a Camry just smushed into our car. The driver, a female, took off on foot and I called 911.  She drove the wrong way up our one way street, playing ping pong off cars all the way up and eventually landed on mine.  She did leave her purse which had her license in the car as well as the car registration.  Miraculously, I was cool as a cucumber during this incident.  I think minor annoyances in the workplace set me off more. 

The person who was driving was driving a company vehicle with livery plates so we assumed they had insurance, they do, so when all is said and done, we won't have to pay anything and we get to drive around a rental for awhile. That was part of my weekend but I was determined not to let it ruin it.

This is the damage.  Not too bad but considering about 4 dents were over $1400 to fix, I'm sure this will reach maybe $5000.  She took the wheel off too, not sure if they'll be able to put it back on or how that works.

Saturday, Emma and I played at the park for a bit and then both took like 6 hour naps.  Emma was not invited back to daycare due to an incident which I believe is bullshit so, that's also another thing we've had on our plate, a crazy energetic dog.  But she did great on Saturday and Sunday.

Yesterday Matt and I went and saw the Hunger Games with some friends of mine.  He didn't read the books, I devoured them and I loved the movie.  We went out to lunch, came home, I took another nap and then we settled in to watch Mad Men. It was a pretty great weekend.

I hate logging into Blackboard, expecting to see an 80% on your test, only to see that you got a 65%.  OH WELL. I had a 90% in Algebra, until yesterday.  I kind of bomb it on tests.

But...I decided I'm going to do something fun.  I'm going to plan a "Yay, I graduated" trip!  I was looking through photos the other day of my trip to Frankfurt, Germany and Amsterdam and I got a little teary.  That trip was so much fun.  No worries, just friends.  There was a meltdown walking through the red light district of Frankfurt but we pulled ourselves together and had a blast.

This trip probably won't happen until next Summer or a little later but it gives me something to focus on.

My friend lives in Frankfurt and I would love to go see her again.  It sucks living in two different countries but it also kind of awesome when you want to visit.  Maybe a road trip to Spain?  A side trip to Morocco?

(I can't believe those are the only two pictures I have from the whole trip in my photobucket.  Kind of sad)

Source

As I was watching the news last night, they shared a story about a fire in Boston's Back Bay area of the city.   I didn't think much of it but when I woke up this morning they were still talking about it.  Apparently it caused a transformer to blow and that section of the city was without power.  I work in that section of the city so I was fluttering around all morning hoping I would get into work, the lights would be off, and I would return soon after to my couch. 

That didn't happen.  

I got off the train and started walking.  Cops were everywhere direction traffic, news crews were set up and as I walked, nothing was open.  I turned the corner, still dark.  As soon as I got to my building, the lights were on.  Fuck.

The days gone downhill since then.  I have a midterm tonight and I'm trying to study between writing up 146 different versions of a stupid memorandum and every time I switch to my algebra, I don't remember any of it.  It's all escaped me. My face is breaking out, I can't stop twitching or bouncing my foot, tears have been flowing while trying to type. This day needs to end.

Things have been awfully quite around here.  I kind of lost the blogging umpf. Sometimes I want to write multiple posts in one day, and sometime I want to be silent for weeks.

This weekend consisted of good and bad.  It was our first weekend of not having A after having him for 3 weeks so Matt worked on Saturday meaning that Emma didn't go to daycare.  And that's our routine, Emma goes to daycare on Saturday.  Her not going meant that she was extremely hyper and after having a terrible week, I really had no energy to deal with her.  We had some freak show weather on Saturday, it was cold and some snow fell so I couldn't take her to the park so her and I sat inside and sulked.  It wasn't pretty. I tried to do homework which is impossible with a 55 pound dog up your ass, so nothing got done. I was in tears most of the day and night. I put myself to bed early on Saturday and just wanted the week to be over with.


I hate when I have these days.  It makes me question if there's a deeper problem going on, like depression.  I'm not sure if these are "normal" outbursts or if I'm just so incredibly overwhelmed that this is what happens when I break. "Normal" 25 year olds are not working full time, going to school, trying to take care of an apartment, a relationship and share custody of a 5 year old. I think, if I wasn't in school, my life would be easier to control.  I only have 3 classes left though (after the two I finish that I'm in now) so I can't stop.

I woke up Sunday, took Emma to daycare, grabbed a coffee on the way home and determined not to have another awful day.  I got to work on my homework, completed it within an hour and took off to go do some shopping by myself before Matt woke up.  I grabbed some new coral skinny jeans, a flowy top and cardigan and some new nail polish.  It's amazing what a little retail therapy does. We later went to the movies and saw Wanderlust, came home and relaxed.  It was a nice way to end the week and hopefully this week will be less miserable.

So, speaking of new nail polish, I think I've rekindled my love for it.  I wasn't very big on wearing polish but after Zoya did a promotion for two free bottles, I've been on a kick lately.  I bought that pretty plum color this weekend and have about 10 more bottles in my cart waiting to be purchased.

 (Pandora*Stacy*Tao)

Here's to a new week filled with lot's of sunshine (at least in Boston) so I'm hoping to make it a good one.

Things have been boring lately, which I guess is a good thing.  I don't really want to bore everyone else with the mundane details of life though. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep and get up to do it all over again.  Very titillating.

But, now that the weather is starting to warm up and Spring is on its way, we will actually be able to go do things. So, in short, I'm still here, just boring. Also not pregnant or engaged or getting married so...very uninteresting.

This weekend was refreshing.  I'm back at work Monday with a smile on my face again, ready to tackle the week.  I'm sure by Friday, I'll be ready to jump out the window, but for now, we're good!

This week we had A again since it was school vacation.  We wanted to do something fun instead of watching tv or playing wii so we headed out to Castle Island again with Matt's brother, girlfriend and niece.  This time Sullivan's was open which is a local icon in South Boston.  As soon as we walked in, Matt was asked for an interview by the Boston Globe.  I was warding off old ladies trying to cut me in line so I didn't get mentioned. Usually people steer clear of Matt because he's kind of scary looking.

This wind was absolutely insane this weekend so we stayed for about 3 minutes before deciding to go bowling instead.

Us girls sat and watched the boys and kids bowl because it was like $15 a person to bowl, how crazy is that?  I like bowling but not that much.

Last week we tried to take the kids to the Rainforest Cafe but after hearing there was an hour and a half wait, meltdowns ensued (by the adults) and it didn't happen.  This weekend we were more prepared and we made a reservation for Saturday night.  This was both of the kids' first time to the Rainforest and their reactions to all of the theatrics were pretty darn cute.

We got a great seat right next to the aquarium and talked about all of the "Dory's" most of the night.  My heart started hurting when the bill came, but it's nice to have these fun adventures every once in awhile. 

After eating, Matt's brother's girlfriend (that's a mouthful), went shopping while the boys wrangled the kids.  We stopped in Forever 21 since I still had leftover gift cards from Christmas and I picked up a pair of Glee sweatpants.  Yeah. I'm wearing them all over my neighborhood while I walk Emma.  No shame! I also signed up for Hulu Plus so I could get caught up on season 3 of Glee and...

(spoilers ahead, don't keep reading if you don't want to know)


WHAT THE?  The last episode certainly was a heaving one but they can't leave us hanging like that.  Quinn is my favorite, if they kill her off, I'll be sad. I love how they go in depth to issues that are plaguing a lot of high schools these days though and the first part of that episode was...oof.  Okay, enough Glee talk.

I hope you all three of you had a lovely weekend ;)

I've been up to my earlobes in homework this week because I took Monday off and then I logged on Tuesday only to find that I had 2 math quizzes and a macroeconomics test all due on Friday.  That was a wake-up call.   I've knocked the two quizzes out and I can't start the test until I get home tonight so I'm feeling a little less psychotic.

Today is dreary in Boston.  We've been having some pretty awesome weather for February but it's very grey right now.  Since it's so grey, I've started looking at pictures of other destinations and dreaming of what to do in a matter of 2, potentially 3 short days. Oh, California.  As much as I can't stand most of your inhabitants, your beauty makes my heart hurt.

Source

I lived in California for a year as a nanny, coincidentally that was also when I started blogging.  I was a young 18 year old girl who still hadn't received a high school diploma, on my own, taking care of someone else's kids.  While there I got to go up and down the coast and really explore, but Matt has never been and California is probably at the top of his "to visit" list.

This July, my friend is getting married.  She lives in Las Vegas but I've been to Vegas so many times, I really have no interest in spending another week there.  So Matt and I decided to rent a car and go on a little road trip to California while we have a few days free between when we fly in and when she gets married.  I kind of wanted to go to Disney for a day but now I'm rethinking that decision.  I'm thinking maybe a drive up or down the coast and stopping at little towns/picturesque views and just enjoying our time.

3 day weekends, I LOVE YOU.

Some things I did this weekend:

-Met with my girls for some karaoke on Friday night.  I did not have big enough balls to karaoke on my own and nobody else would sing "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls with me, so we mainly just watched everyone else make a fool out of themselves.  Except for the girl who sang "Shoop".  She put us all to shame.  This might become a monthly thing.

-Having my own karaoke in the car ride there, singing at the top of my lungs to show tunes.  Even I could tell I sucked but that's okay!

-Going to Castle Island and dressing completely inappropriately. It's always windy and cold since it's right by the ocean and I always forget.

-Trying to eat at the Rainforest Cafe only to realize the wait was 2 hours.  HAHA.  So much for driving 30 minutes to go to dinner.

-Watched Drive and 50/50.  Good googly moogly.  Ryan Gosling is such a dream boat.  Have you heard of his band Dead Mans Bones?  I saw them on their tour in Boston and it took everything in me not to jump on stage and smooch him.

-Ate too much pizza.  Not vegan.  Yes, I've started eating cheese again.  Just now and then so I still eat mainly vegan but I guess I can't call myself a vegan anymore and I'm cool with that.  I don't need no labels.

-Took Emma to the park next to the ocean, again, it was freezing so we spent about 20 minutes playing but she was a happy pup.  She was so sleepy all weekend from playing at daycare.  I love when she's a sleepy puppy <3

-Got a pedicure. It was heavenly.  Actually, no it wasn't.  My feet are so damn ticklish that it's almost torture but I love my cute painted toes.

Some things I didn't do this weekend:

-Algebra.  WHOOPSIES.

While I'm sure most everyone else is celebrating with their significant others tonight, I am busy taking pictures of myself in the mirror because Matt scheduled himself to work.  Intentional, perhaps.



I'm also putting off the inevitable...homework.

Matt bought me some flowers yesterday though, yay Matt!  I bought him a card about flatulence.  That's the extent of our Valentines Day.


So, yesterday, Fleur De Moi gave me a Cute Blog Award and since I'm procrastinating like whoa, I may as well accept it.  I really enjoy Fleur's blog.  It isn't pretentious, it's real and her job working on films and living in New Orleans makes it an interesting read.  If I ever venture down there, which I want to, I may call her up and we can go eat cheese together while were both breaking vegan edge.  I have a feeling we would get along seamlessly.

Here are the rules...

Upon receiving this award, you are to:
1) Link back to the person who awarded you;
2) Answer all of the award questions;
3) Tell something about yourself that you haven't told anyone on your blog yet;
4) Award as many bloggers that you think are worthy of this award and make them aware of it.

Here are the questions:

What is your go-to makeup brand:

Oh.  This is assuming I have a make up brand, which I don't.  I wear mascara in the pink/green tube. I need to start trying out lipsticks and stuffs but I'm afraid of looking like a drag queen. 

What was your favorite fashion trend of 2011:

I'm with Fleur, I'm not much of a "fashion maven".  I like wearing leggings though even if I shouldn't. My bum is always covered though. 

What is your favorite dessert: 

I used to have such an insane sweet tooth but after going vegan, that kind of went away.  I love carrot cake though. 

What is your favorite color:

Yellow

What is your middle name:

Nicole

The last song you listened to:

Someone Like you by Adele

Dogs or cats?

Doggies

Something I haven't told anyone of my blog yet:

This is tough, I think I've shared most things here but for people who didn't read 4+ years ago, I've never met my real father and I have half siblings out there.  Who knows, we could be RELATED. 

I'm going to nominate:

Nicole from I Can See for Miles and Miles 

Jess from Notes of Life and Love

Julie from Life with a Cinnamon Girl

So now that I've finished watching all of the 44 episodes of Glee that Netflix has to offer, I'm rather bored.  It was a nice distraction over homework and I'm going through withdrawals.  I can't start watching the newest season because on-demand only has the last few episodes and I don't want to watch them out of order (first world problems).

I've been doing okay school wise.  Macroeconomics and College Algebra seem much more manageable to me than Accounting.  I have my moments of freak outs but I'm learning to YouTube my problems and the results are amazing!  My Algebra professor literally posted one page since the semester started so we are left to our own devices.  Must be nice to not have to answer any questions yet still get paid.

This weekend I had the pleasure of going to babysit two little munchkins who I haven't seen in over a year. I had M in my infants class when I worked at a daycare and now she's 5 years old.  Holy shit.  I remember walking around the center with her because she just cried and cried and cried.  Now she's telling me I'm going to have a baby soon but I need a ring on my finger first, oh, and she doesn't believe in God.  I kept my mouth shut. This family is pretty much the complete opposite of myself.  They look like the stepped out of a pottery barn catalog, and I....do not.  I love that they choose me, the tattooed girl, to babysit their children.  Gives me hope for society. We made chocolate valentines day suckers and stuff and played with Fenway the dog, who I kept calling a boy but is most definitely a girl, sorry Fen.

This week is work work work and school. This Friday we have a scheduled girls night to go to the Chinese food bar place where they do karaoke.  Depending on how many drinks I have will depend on how many songs I sing, but, it will be good. For now, here's a song that I've been playing over and over again, and yes I found it from the commercial which makes me a horrible human being because I didn't know about it before then.  (You'll want to listen, it will make your Monday more happy)

Still here.  I'm slammed at work and up to my eyeballs in Algebra.  I've also been falling behind on reading blogs.  Y'all post a lot! ;) I can't keep up. I'm also just feeling blah so things may be a little slow for awhile.

Life is still moving. It's weird, I feel like I shouldn't be laughing or having fun because my sister is in such pain. There's nothing really I can do, I feel helpless. I know with time things will get better but things will never be the same for her.

One of my co-workers has been extremely insensitive about what happened and the thoughts that go through my head regarding him have been most unpleasant. Just a note, when someone passes away, it isn't polite to yell across the office and ask how that person passed. It's also not very kind to ask the same question again the next morning, and then proclaim that, "It's weird the autopsy hasn't found anything yet." Yes. Bad thoughts regarding him.

Work has been completely swamped this week which makes me go home and want to do absolutely nothing. I'm looking forward to the weekend to get caught up on homework and go back to a little vegan diner to celebrate Matt and I's birthdays.

My friend texted me this morning asking if I wanted to take a quick weekend trip, no boys allowed, to Montreal.  UM YES.

Source

We will probably shoot for March.  I feel very stifled when I stay in one area for too long and right now, I'm suffocating.  I need to get out, walk around in another city, explore new sights and food and take it all in.  Give myself a break for the day-to-day, which right now,  leaves me unfulfilled. My job is extremely taxing and I'm going to try and wait until May before I start applying other places but it's going to be tough.  This place tests my patience more than I ever thought possible.  Enough job talk, it makes me grouchy.