Still haven’t hung out with Matt yet as ‘just friends’. We were both busy last week and this week is proving to be the same. We have texted some but not a whole lot. He did text me yesterday that driving to Newport is not the same without me. I replied that life isn’t the same and he agreed. I’m getting a gut feeling that us hanging out with him continuing to text me that he would eventually like things to work out between us. I could just be pulling that out of left field.

Nicole asked what I thought about the idea of us getting back together. Deep down I’m still in love with him and still care greatly for him. The love I feel for him now is not the same as when we were together and again, I’m not going in to this expecting us to date again. We both made mistakes, nobodys perfect. I do think there is a potential for both of us to change what needed to be fixed and work through it.

I’m really not letting these thoughts consume me though, I’m learning to just let things happen.

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a paralegal. It’s a huge relief knowing that’s out of the way but my associates degree still looms so I’m not entirely out of the woods yet. I did re-write my resume and have started sending it out so let’s hope there is some interest.

I might be making a huge mistake doing this but I'm going to start hanging out with Matt as friends.

After not responding to his texts this weekend I had these overwhelming thoughts of never talking to him again. I couldn't sleep, it was all I thought about.

He lives in Allston now (close) and I told him I'm tired of talking about what happened, we both know how each other feels and I just want to move on. I'm not expecting us to ever get back together and wouldn't right now but I still miss having him as a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like I try and over-analyze everything and I just need to let life happen.

I've been in a funk the past few days but I think I'm getting out of it. I've been missing him like crazy and the thought of never talking to him again has been getting me down. This love bullshit is so ridiculous.

I've also been a little bummed about Justin which is just me being a girl. He is now in another relationship and for one I feel like I'm never going to see him again because he's spending all his time with her, two it was so damn fast and i don't want to see him get hurt right before he deploys. I know we all make choices when it comes to love and some of them are not the smartest. I just hope for him that it works out and I still get to see my friend.

Things I need to focus on right now:
-Writing a new resume
-Getting an actual job
-Saving for Texas and Spain



photo from weheartit.com

Today is grumpy day. I don't know why, probably because on days like today I really miss having someone to do something with. Everyone else is out with their significant others and I'm sweating inside my apartment. He texted me again this weekend and I ignored it. It was extremely hard. :(

I went to see Comeback Kid/Title Fight/Set Your Goals/Make Do and Mend/Soul Control yesterday. Another amazing show. I've never seen a crowd response quite like that. I told the boys I was with that if Set Your Goals played To Be Continued for their last song I would go in and sing. They played it, we all went in. I'm feeling it today...I'm so old.

I no longer have another human in my bed. Yay! My bed crasher is gone and it feels nice. I don't know if I'll ever meet another person who is like Greg. The kid is fascinating and has provided me with a good amount of entertainment over the last month but he also drove me up the wall so I'm not sad he's gone. He's was going to live with us permanently but apparently he has moved on to sharing another room with someone else.

I had my 'hang-out' last night with Brian. I asked him out so I don't know if it was considered a date? We had a lot of fun, mostly talking about Greg, haha. He seems like a good kid so more hangouts will probably be in order.

This week has crawled by. School is coming to an end and I'm burning out. I'm actually skipping class today to work on homework which I should probably go do so I get it done.

Deleted his number.

Have a date this week.

Moving on.

I don't even know how to sum up this weekend. There was lot's of dancing. There was some alcohol. There was vegan breakfast with friends. There was random adventures. There was new friends that were met. There were tears.

One of my adventures was hanging out with these dudes



I was sitting at Justin's house and he was talking with his friend Emily. He said he was sad because he wasn't able to go to a show with her and she didn't want to go by herself, so I told him I would go if she wanted, I had nothing else going on. Come to find out, she is dating the singer from Four Year Strong. I'm not one to fall over 'celebrities' so them being a big band didn't really do anything for me but it was interesting to see the event from a backstage perspective.

Then more texts from Matt which just resulted in more tears. I just need to stop responding.

Woke up this morning to two texts from Matt.

I'm sorry.

I miss you.




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Right now I was supposed to be in a car, driving with the windows down through smelly Jersey on my way to Delaware. Needless to say, I'm sitting in my apartment looking out at the rain clouds.

I took my car in to the dealership on Tuesday because the check engine light was on. They charged me $95 to look at the damn thing and then told me my car needed $2000 worth of work. I was grumpy. Being that I have very limited funds right now I decided it was in my best interest not to go to Delaware this weekend. One being money and two being that I didn't want my car to explode. My car is now sitting in a different shop, hoping for a different outcome of how much it will cost to fix it.

I also went vegan this week. Dun dun dun. I've been thinking of making the switch for awhile, and finally decided it's what I want to do. I don't have any interest in converting anybody, I don't care what other people eat, I made this decision for myself. My roommate decided he wanted to start in on me but quickly changed his tune when the other people he talked to pretty much agreed with me. I loved every minute of it, I'm not going to lie.

My weekends need to stop being so fun because I'm running out of the funds to keep them going. Friday night Brit, Renee, and I decided to go to Hell and dance. We walked in to Big D and the Kids Table playing which was a nice surprise. After they were done we got to dancing. We danced by ourselves and with this group of guys during the night. One of them turned out to be pretty cool and just so happens to know Greg. I told him we should go grab beers sometime.

Saturday the three of us drove to Worcester. The whole ride there we listened to these boys



They make me extremely happy. Saturday night we went to another show. That was a lot of fun as well. Ran into a guy I went out on a date with last summer. We chatted for a few and it wasn't entirely awkward. Tried to go to Hell again that night but couldn't get in because one of the kids we were with was wearing shorts. We just went back to Brit's, hung out and then I came home and crashed. I'm only working today this week and then I'm driving to Delaware this weekend to see my friend. Yay!

Matt texted me yesterday, asking if I had heard from Kevin about the shirts. I told him that I asked someone else to do it and he went off the deep end. Saying I apparently want him to suffer and how could I do this to him, I don't want to get back together.......and then he said since I'm doing so well he's going to fuck off and die. Nice, right? I thought I kept myself collected during the exchange. I laughed during some parts because it was so dramatic but it also makes me sad. Something is obviously not going well in his life and maybe he just needs to take his frustration out on me. He sent me another text this morning about listening to H20's song "Unconditional". I didn't end up listening to it but I read the lyrics, and then started to shed some tears in class. I hate it.

Needless to say Ruiner was on repeat again all day. Thought I was ready to move on to happier music but he just keeps digging the knife in.

It's getting easier and easier. I'm kind of restless in life right now though. I feel like I need a change. Whether that be apartments or city, I don't know. I don't want him to be the reason I move but I might just need to get away from Boston for a year or so. Or I might not leave at all.

Picture from weheartit.com

I should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as just sending an email.

After I sent the email I texted my friend that I just wrote Matt a good-bye email and I was tired. :( Because my brain was mush and I was in Matt mode I ended up sending him that text. Ooof. I told him that was meant for a friend, sorry. He said wow, be sure to get me that artwork and have fun with your new boyfriend.

And that's when I flipped my shit. I replied, "you need to stop thinking about yourself for once. You left me with no other option but to say goodbye. You left me hanging. This is all on you. Greg is not nor will he ever be my boyfriend. This isn't about that. This is about you treating me like an asshole. Don't tell me to get you the artwork. I'm doing YOU a favor but fuck that. I'll tell Kevin he should have someone else do it. I was being nice but fuck you Matt."

He said sorry, I'm just sad. I told him I've been sad for two months and he hasn't given two shits....and that was the end of the conversation. Do I feel like I have closure? I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm glad I've finally had a say in this. I've been keeping my mouth shut way too much and I needed to let it out. Will I be contacting him again? No. Will he try and contact me? I have no idea. And if he does I have no idea what I will do. I say I'm done with him but I will always care about him, he was my first love.

I sent Matt an e-mail just now. I needed to say good-bye.

Matt-

I probably shouldn't be writing this e-mail but I need too. I need to share what's on my mind and be done with it.

For some reason I thought going to your apartment last Thursday would be a good idea. I would either get closure on this whole deal or you would have magically decided that you made a huge mistake and wanted me back in your life. Obviously neither of those things happened.

You keep saying that you want to be with me but you can't right now. I don't understand this logic. Either you 100 percent want to be with me and no matter what the circumstances are, will be with me, or you don't. It's unfair to me to be in this position of uncertainty.

This is has been the hardest thing I have gone through. You have hurt me more than I can describe, and yet, I will always care about you. After leaving your apartment Thursday I was numb. As a person who didn't do anything wrong, getting treated like I was a pile of shit was hard to swallow. If one day you wake up and think that you want to be with me and make it work then let me know. I'm not waiting anymore though, I need to move on with my life. I can't just be friends with you, as much as that kills me. It is either all or nothing, so if it never gets back to that point then I can't talk to you.

This is me saying good-bye Matt. The time I spent with you and the boy will never be forgotten. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whatever that may be.

-Heather

I've been thinking about Matt a lot this week. I don't necessarily know why, because apparently I love to make myself feel like a bag of shit.

I ended up texting Matt yesterday and went to his house for dinner. I don't even want to talk about what was said because it was the same old shit he's been saying forever. Wants to be with but can't. I'm so fucking tired of hearing it.

He learned that Greg was sharing a room with me and turned into a total dickbag. He said if there was even a glimmer of us getting back together it's now ruined by him. Excuse me? You and I are not dating therefore you really have no say what I'm doing. ALSO, as much as I had a crush on Greg things are just not going to go down that road which I'm perfectly fine with. Us sleeping in the same bed does not equal we have sex. I left his apartment, stormed out. I have done nothing wrong yet I still can't let go of the douchebag.

I'm tired. I was doing so well but I've never felt like I've gotten closure. I still don't feel like I have closure.

What I want to do this summer (in no particular order)

















-Whitewater rafting
-Weekend trip to NYC
-A camping trip
-Whale watching
-Spain
-Maine/Acadia National Park
-Paintballing
-Red Sox Game


All photos from weheartit.com

Lot's to catch up on!

Greg came up on Wednesday (Thursday?) night to hang out and chat more about him crashing here. We went and grabbed dinner and it was decided that he was going to move in. We came back, watched Lost for a bit and then when I was getting tired we cuddled. While cuddling he told me to turn around to hug him, which I did, and then he kissed me. We kissed for a bit more and the topic of me liking him came up. He said he thought I was attractive and liked me too but didn't want to be in a relationship right now and would be a shitty boyfriend. At that point I kind of said meh in my head. I'm not going to put anymore effort into it if that's how he feels. Been there/done that. Doesn't mean I still won't cuddling, that never killed anybody. He met Heather that night and instantly started me asking all kinds of questions about her and why I'm skeptical of her now. He seemed very intrigued by her and being a dude I'm sure he wants to get to know her better to make me jealous, but it won't, I just might think he's an idiot.

Friday we went to the Celtics game. We sat in the nosebleeds, drank a way overpriced beer and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Came home and crashed.

Saturday I helped him move stuff from his apartment in Providence to a storage unit down the street. We stopped at Brit's apartment after and drove around for a good three hours singing terribly out of tune and way too loud. I love days like that. Came back to Boston and rode with Greg to Cambridge to get some ice cream. Once we got back to the apartment again, Heather invited us back out for another bike ride. I declined, just because I don't enjoy the company she rides with, but told Greg to go for it. He asked if I would be made if I went. I told him of course not, and I'm really not. I think it's great for him to go out and meet new people in Boston. Just because I have a not so great opinion about these people doesn't mean I'm going to be angry if he hangs out with them. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

I went out with Jasmine and Chad, some people I met when I was tanked with Justin on St. Patty's Day. We had a few drinks at the Model. It's always nice to get out and meet new people, dance a little bit and tell entirely too much information about yourself in one night. Chad wants to take me on a Q'doba date and while I don't necessarily see myself dating him, I would be stupid to pass up a quesadilla.

Today was spent on the Cape and at a beach. I don't think of a better way to spend Easter. I went with Justin, we flew a kite, dipped my toes in the freezing ocean, walked along the beach and talked about boys, girls and how we are all stupid.









Drinking a corona and getting ready for the upcoming week. Lot's of hangouts with friends, a tattoo appointment and a girls night. It should be fun :)

I love that life throws you unexpected things your way, at least when those things could potentially be good.

Justin and I went to the movies last night and after the movie I turn my phone on to see a text from Greg that says I'm fucked. I asked him why and he said that his roommate is moving out and he has to be out of his apartment by the 10th and has nowhere to go. This is the part where a normal person would respond that sucks, but not me. NO, not me. I responded with if you need a place to crash, feel free to crash at my place. We talked back and forth for a bit and he might actually do it! He also asked if I cuddled, ohhhh, I cuddle alright.

I feel like this is crazy but you only live once and life is too short to be boring and safe. Life might juts be getting more interesting after all.

The weekends are such a tease, no work, no school. Just how life should be. Back to reality tomorrow so I need to soak in today.

Friday I drug Brit out to Lowell to go see a show. I've been listening to so much more hardcore since the break-up, plus I just wanted to get out of the house. We had a good time talking, she's a good date.

Saturday I poked around the apartment, texted Greg around 3 to see if we were still meeting up. I went to Providence around 7 to see him. We drove around looking for places to eat, ended up at a Mexican place but the wait was 50 minutes so we decided against that. Ended up at AS220. Brit took me here for the first time about a month and a half ago, I've since been back three times. Nice little place with good food and old time sodas.


Greg really liked it too. We talked about life, past relationships. It was a nice chat. Also went to the movies but since I don't have a tv I really don't know what's in theaters anymore. He recommended:

I was extremely skeptical but he kept saying it had gotten good reviews so I went with it. I am so glad I did. I laughed throughout the entire movie. I drove him home after, he asked when he was going to see me next. :) No kisses though, I'm such a baby when it comes to this stuff. I'm also in no rush (actually I kind of am, he's so good looking) but I also want to make sure it's not just me who has these feelings. He texted me as I was driving back to Boston that he had a good time, I'm a sweet girl and to drive safe.

I'm off to Nicole's house today. Old friends of hers are coming over and I'm crashing the party. We might even play some Chatroulette bingo, I sure as hell hope so!

Justin and I went for sushi on Wednesday night. Nothing like avocado rolls to make this girl happy. We came back, he made a cake (ha!) and watched a movie. Bringing up the whole 'what are we' topic was a little weird but I told him that since we both just got out of relationships this would probably be best as just a friendship thing. He totally agreed, he's going to be gone training a lot in the next few months and then deploying. We still agreed to go on lot's of adventures. He's a good dude so I definitely want to remain friends. He also brought me a Guns up record and hoodie so I am forever indebted to him.

Greg had to cancel tonight but we are possibly hanging out tomorrow. I also scored tickets to the Celtics game next Friday and invited him. Judging by the amount of !!!!!!'s used in his text reply he seems really excited to go. I've never been to a Celtic's game or any professional basketball game so I'm wicked pumped too. Even if the seats are shitty we will still have fun.

I'm not feeling too hot today, I don't know if it's the weather or eating too much french toast last night but I feel blah. I didn't go to class and didn't go to my internship. To make myself feel better I bought this:


I can't wait for it to arrive. With that, it's back to homework. Summer cannot come soon enough.

My life with boys was nothing short of boring before Matt and it's proving to be the same after.

Juggling two boys is not something I'm good at, I feel like one of them is going to get hurt, maybe all of us. I'm not tied down right now though so this is the point of my life when I should be doing this. Have to put yourself out there and if you end up getting hurt, at least you tried.

I'm hanging out with Justin on Wednesday, we are having a sushi 'date'/hangout? Justin and I have done more than just friends do, but at this point I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends. We've both recently gone through break-ups, he's going overseas for at least a year in August and I think that would just set us both up for disappointment.

I've been laying low with Greg seeing if he would contact me and he did. He texted me today wondering when we are going to hang out next. I told him Friday since my week is booked. He thought that was too far away but what can you do. This week shall prove to be interesting, that's for damn sure!

Matt texted me out of the blue yesterday, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and the boy. I wanted to throw up immediately, seeing his name just gives me that reaction. It was a beautiful yesterday and he wanted to know if I wanted to come to Castle Island. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, especially seeing the boy. I also asked if he had been thinking this week. He said yes but that he thought I already made up my mind. I told him I had no other choice, hanging on was hurting me too much. I told him he knows what he needs to do remedy this situation and this was on all him. In no way does that mean I'm still waiting for him, I've moved on. Also doesn't mean I would give him another chance but he knows what he needs to do for that to even be a possibility.

Greg ended up making it to show. We left for a bit and grabbed some food and then came back and hung out. I didn't want to come on too strong, he's so god damn good looking he could get any girl he wants. It's rather annoying. I figure if he is interested then maybe he should have to work a little bit :P

Got tattooed this morning, did 4 more outlines of postcards. The sleeve is finally coming together and after coloring these in, there isn't much room left for anything. Might go to the bar tonight with Nikki, that should be interesting.

Apparently the key for me to not think about Matt is to put my energy into different people. That doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right away but hanging out with new people just takes my mind off of him.

St. Patrick's day I met up with a friend on Nicole's at a bar in downtown. He was there with three of his friends. I had a lot of fun, drank some Irish car bombs and too many coronas. Tonight is the show which another friend is supposedly coming too. We texted back and forth yesterday and he was bummed on life/girls so I told him not to feel pressure to come. Last night right before bed he said he was going to come again. Boys.

It should be a fun weekend, I'm getting tattooed tomorrow and then seeing one of my favorite bands, Guns up, on Sunday. Plus the weather is supposed to be good. AHHHH I love Spring.

Monday afternoon, after jury duty, I came home and started picking up my room. While getting things organized I found a Christmas ornament. This jogged my memory into reminding myself that I left all of my ornaments in Matt's closest at his apartment. The only thing I left there. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Normally I would just consider them a wash but all of my childhood ornaments were in there, pretty much the only mementos I have from that time of my life. I felt like my only option was to contact him and see if I could get them back at some point.

I texted him Monday explaining the situation, no response. I texted him later that night saying that if he got my first text could he at least respond with an okay, no response. I called him Tuesday morning assuming he was going to be at work in which case I would leave a voicemail. It rang and rang but never kicked it over to voicemail. At this point I got worried and thoughts of him potentially hurting himself went through my brain. I was keeping in contact with Nicole and she insisted on calling his work, disguising herself, just to check to make sure he was in fact still alive. Irrational, I know, but with things he has said previously to me and him being potentially depressed, I needed to make sure. He answered but couldn't hear Nicole so she didn't even have to make up some elaborate story, but at least I knew he was there. Then the fact that he is probably just ignoring me came to be. I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if he responds, if not, I might e-mail him.

I think for me to really get over him, stop thinking about him and moving on is to start meeting and hanging out with new people. So that's what I'm going to do! Tonight to celebrate the fact that I am not Irish but I can pretend, I'm going to a bar in downtown with one of Nicole's friends. He just so happened to break up with his girlfriend this past weekend. Break ups everywhere! We will go drown our sorrows with some Irish car bombs. Who wouldn't want to hang out with us? Friday, I invited this boy whom I've had a secret crush on forever, to come out to a show at the skatepark. He agreed, so let's see if it actually happens.

I feel like it's been raining for weeks when in reality it's only been days. It's been non-stop for days, not nice rain. Brutal rain. It's now raining in my bedroom. Landlord better come and fix that soon.



Even though I feel better, I still constantly think about him. I wonder when the day will come that I don't. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he knows he made a mistake or is genuinely happy that we are no longer together. I try not to think about these things but I do. I'm ready for the day when these thoughts are not a part of me anymore.

Picture source

Friday and Saturday have been a success. Friday I had some work to do at the courthouse downtown as part of my interning. They kept introducing me as a paralegal and it took me by surprise that this is finally happening. In a few months I will actually be a paralegal. Then I do a little happy dance on the inside because weeeee! I met a cute lawyer that works the program I am also working with. I hope it's okay to secretly wish that we will someday be in the office together even though he's probably 9 years older than me. I'm going back to the courthouse this Friday to do some family law stuff which I am very excited about. Right now I'm feeling pulled into that area of the law.

Friday night included a hardcore show. I love going from being in a buttoned-up professional environment to this.



Hardcore show also included cute boys, one in particular. Can never have too many cute boys in your life. Another nice night to get out and have a few drinks and become ultra giggly with Nicole.

Today I went and hung out with Brit again. While we were going through our very similar break-up situation together, hers has now taken a turn that mine will not. I know she will come through it and I really want to be there to support her. We are SO similar, it's eerie, the way we think about life and the way we treat people. I know she will be okay.

Picture source

I feel like this past month of my emotional roller coaster is finally coming to an end.

Talking with him last night really showed me that he isn't putting forth the effort that is needed right now. I have given him plenty of time and space, held onto every ounce of hope that things would work out. After writing the post this morning and thinking more about it, I had to tell Matt that I was stepping away. I feel sad, sad that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. Sad that these two people whom I cared and loved deeply will not be a part of my future. I'm excited for the future though, for meeting new people and going on new adventures. It's still hard but I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was exactly a month ago. I'm letting go on my terms. I wished him the best and hope he gets the help that he needs.

Source

I texted Matt on Monday. Called him yesterday. No replies to both. Kind of said fuck it in my head and went about my day. He called back last night while I was sleeping. I answered, I asked him about my text Monday and how I would appreciate it if he would answer my texts, especially when I ask a question, which I did. He said he was sorry. I don't know, I'm kind of getting tired. I'm done chasing, if he wants to be with me then he will make the effort too.

Then we discussed why I called him in the first place, Thursday night. He had to re-do one of the hoodies for me and I suggested coming to his place Thursday night to pick it up. He said he was going to be in Boston around noon on Thursday so he would just drop it by, clearly not wanting me to come over Thursday night. Again, fuck it. I told him that he said we could start slowly progressing our relationship and I feel like we are just going backwards. Going to let him be the one to decide when to do something next.

I'm going to enjoy my weekend and I have some awesome new clothes coming in the mail.

After texting back and forth for a bit last night with Matt he said part of me wants to invite you over. I told him that maybe that part should, although he wondered if it would be a bad idea. I told him that if he wants things to work again between us I saw no harm in hanging out for a few hours. He said okay...leave now. So I did.

I got there and didn't really plan to talk about us but eventually the conversation flowed into that. We decided together that things need to start slowly progressing in the next few weeks to build back up our relationship and make it better than before. Then he made me snuggle with him and it was the best 30 minutes of snuggling I've ever had. Truly did not realize how much I would miss that until i didn't have it anymore.

I'm hopeful that things will work out the way they need to. I think this was a wake up call for him and showed him that I truly truly love him and the boy. Bit by bit everything will fall into place and I just need to enjoy the ride, as hard as that is sometimes.

Today was filled with sunshine

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and movies



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and gift certificates from a sister to a lovely cupcake shop down the street.



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Have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not going to think about my love life and just let things happen. I go back and forth so much and this blog is my diary so I can recount how crazy my thoughts are, but I just need to stop thinking about it. While writing this he texted me to see how I'm doing. GAH. I haven't texted him for days so maybe he really is trying to make an effort.

I'm spending my Saturday night puppy sitting. What an exciting life I lead. As much as the puppy can be a little asshole I'm excited to spend the evening in an apartment with heat and cable. I enjoy the simple things in life.

Last night I came out the skate park for a show. It was probably one of the best shows I've been too in awhile. Thoroughly enjoyed all of the bands and have some downloading of music to do.

Also got to talking more with John and Nicole about my situation and how they think I'm not making the smartest choice. They don't want to see me get strung along and John being a dude knows how other dudes think. They are right and I'm only doing this for a few weeks and then our relationship needs to start progressing again. Nicole has also found the next boy with whom I should be set up with it. I haven't completely said no to this idea, and the kid is somebody I would definitely be interested in. Matt and I had the agreement of not seeing or hooking up with other people while we are on this break but if I don't start seeing some sort of effort on his part, I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Met my friend Kate after work last night for some Mexican food. Kate is amazing, the kind of friend you want in your corner. She wanted to get caught up and make sure I was okay. Apparently her husband was also worried about me. They have done a lot for me during this process as have all of my friends. Since I have no family around, my friends are my family and mean the world to me.

Kate and I got talking about the latest news and I asked her if she had ever had her heart broken. I knew Michael was pretty much her first relationship. She said that in the first year of dating Michael they actually broke up. This is something I did not know so I was very intrigued. She broke up with him for a few months, they continued to talk during that time and they finally got back together because they both knew they couldn't live without each other. Awww. It was nice talking about that and realizing that these things do happen and sometimes you come out even stronger than before.

Picked up hoodies from Matt last night outside his work. Driving there and any time I have seen him in the past three weeks I get an instant urge to vomit. He comes walking out and my heart just races, he is so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.

He sat in my car and we talked some more about life. We laughed and joked around...things between us seemed better. Not as tense, not as emotional. I mentioned to him that a new vegan cafe opened in Davis Square and he said maybe someday he will take me there and buy me dinner. That would be nice.

There is something about this boy that I can't explain and it's not something I've had with anybody else. Even as a teenager in high school I didn't date, I never saw the point. Nobody held my interest long enough. My first boyfriend was at the age of 19 and even then, that was a shit show. I've been on countless dates with countless guys and even joked with my friends about writing a book about them. They accounted for a lot of laughs. This one is different and because this one is different I can't let him go that easy. I'm sure some people think I should just move on and forgot about this and hanging on is pathetic, and I probably would too if I wasn't in the situation. Until you are, it's so hard to know what to do.

This hasn't been easy but I feel I have a pretty level head on my shoulders when it comes to most things and at this point I think I'm doing the right thing. Time will only tell.

I'm ready for the weekend, it's supposed to be sunny and possibly hitting 50 degrees. And my morning would not be complete without stopping at this place first. Not for the donuts, but for the coffee. Boston has converted me, I don't think I could live without it now.


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**For all two of you who subscribe to me in reader, I changed my url so you might want to update that**

That accurately describes how I feel life is going at the moment. I talked to Matt last night. I just needed to know that in his heart, when all is said and done, he does want to be with me. If he was questioning it then I would have needed to move on.

He said he wants to be with me but right now he can't be. I can either move on or wait this out and see what happens. He has this cycle in his life where he starts dating someone, things going really well-he gets comfortable-and then they go to shit. He doesn't want to be like this anymore which is why he broke up with me before things became even more serious and my feelings would have been more hurt. He needs to work on himself and has been doing so the past few weeks, he feels a little better in his finances and his car situation was taken care of.

Our communication needed to be addressed because we obviously were not on the same page. I told him I didn't want to talk for a month a few days ago but I don't really want to go that long without talking, neither does he. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week for now, potential moving up to seeing one another in a month or so.

I feel better. It's still a roller coaster but at least I know for sure that he does want to be with me in the end and now we just have to move through this gross phase.

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I was so excited to change my calendar last night from February to March. Good-bye to the worst month of my life, I'm ready for a new one.

I'm ready for the weather to start getting a little nicer. I really can't take this raining for a week straight, but it is better than snow.



I'm keeping myself busy this month with tattoo appointments, going to shows (Guns up!), jury duty and lot's of girls nights.

March is going to be okay, I can feel it.

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I wasn't able to fully talk to Matt yet but I think we are just going to take a month of not talking to one another and see what happens from there. It will take the pressure off of both of us, he can focus on what he needs to work on and I won't be checking my phone every hour seeing if tried contacting me. One day at a time.

Before dating Matt I was very independent, didn’t need a guy to make me happy, could stand on my own two feet. While I am still very much that person he made me happier and a better version of myself. I don’t know if I was the same for him. After only talking to him this week through about six texts, all of them involving screen-printing, I think I can safely say that maybe he doesn’t want to work on this. This was hard for me to come to grips with and I needed to know for myself that I tried but I can only try so much. If the other person involved doesn’t want to try, then I need to move on.

That’s what I’m going to do. I deserve someone who loves me no matter what, who thinks the world of me and would do anything for me. He was that way for a little bit but then it stopped and I don’t want it to ever stop. With me stepping out of his life I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs and learns to love himself. Learn that life isn’t about money or lack thereof. Life is about family and the people in it, the times you share together. I hope the next person he becomes involved with will love him the way I did and love that little boy as much as anyone could. I must not be that person and while that was hard to swallow, I’ve come to that conclusion. For myself, my feelings, my life, I need to see what else is out there. I’m going to focus on school and getting my career started. Make plans with friends to travel and see the world.

These past few months have been some of the greatest and some of the hardest. While I don’t want to forget about them, looking back is tough. I still can’t look at pictures without crying and I’m sure I won’t be able to for awhile. Those boys were an important part of my life and they taught me a lot about myself and how great love can be.


(I'm going to talk to him about this tonight but right now this is what I'm feeling. Who knows what will happen)

Another rough day, I do not think this forecast of rain forever is helping either. After talking with Matt on Sunday I felt good. I texted him Monday a question about the screenprint jobs and then left him be. Nothing else was said that day. I texted him twice yesterday (Tuesday) and no response. I'm frustrated, hurt, and this roller coaster of emotions I'm on is getting old. I'm tired. I know we are taking space and time apart but even just a two second reply to a text message would make my day and night so much better. We'll see what he says.

I kept myself pretty busy this weekend yet still had some down time. It was nice. On Friday I met up with my friend Brit who had started dating her boyfriend when Matt and I started dating. I sent her a message after Matt and I broke up and come to find out, her boyfriend did the same thing to her. We went out to a Hookah lounge in Providence and talked the rest of the night away. It was nice to be with someone going through pretty much the exact same situation, giving each other advice, while bitching about how stupid these dudes are.

Saturday morning I went chair hunting with Nicole, unsuccessfully. We will keep trying though! Saturday night Heather wanted me to go to dinner and get drinks with some director and film guys she is friends with. I didn't want to because I'm really into wanting to be a hermit but I agreed. We went and had pizza and then went for drinks. I really didn't drink but they did which provided some entertainment for me, along with the cover band that had me laughing so hard it hurt.


Sunday I met Kate and Michael, went and grabbed lunch and to the movies. I told them the situation with Matt and I and even they didn't know what they would do. Nobody wants to see me get hurt again, neither do I. I feel what I'm doing is right though, except we did forget to talk about something on Thursday. When couples go on 'breaks' that usually means the people can go hook-up with other people with no problem. I needed to clear this over with Matt because this was not happening. I called him last night to clear this up....I was afraid he was going to disagree, I don't know why, that is not the type of person he is. He just said obviously and kind of chuckled about it. Just said I needed to make sure and then we talked about the weekend and work. Getting my haircut this Saturday along with a girls night, now I just need to make it through the week.


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I had yesterday off of work so I sat in my room cleaning the whole day and going over what I was going to say to Matt. I rehearsed it, didn't cry, knew what I was going to say. I felt like I needed to tell him how I was feeling, go with my heart. My brain and heart having been telling me two different things this week and the heart won.

The talk almost didn't go down but after driving to Braintree, back to Boston and then back to Matt's apartment, it did. I just threw it out there that after thinking this week I love him too much to just let him go so easy. I'm willing to work on the things I can, support him while he gets help and start re-building. I needed to know if he was willing to do that or if I needed to be out of his life.

He said he's willing to work on things and he wants to be with me he just knows that he can be a better boyfriend and wants to make sure that happens first. We are still going to be taking time apart and have some space, but still keep in contact with each other. He asked when school is out this year and I said May. He wants May to potentially be the point where we can really start going ahead with things again. Then we just continued to talk for 2 hours about life and how we have both been miserable for the past week.

I'm optimistic that things will turn around and we can start an even better relationship. I asked if maybe next weekend I could come over and we could cook dinner with the boy and he agreed. Definitely taking things slow but I might actually be able to sleep at night now.

Today has been tough. Got to work and got slammed with running out again to get my boss Starbucks, a sick baby, having to deal with a playdate and know a baby won't sleep. Plus I'm seeing Matt tomorrow. I have money to give him from some screenprint jobs he is doing for me.

I just want to talk to him so bad. To see if we could start over, do things different. I realized this week that doing so much for him actually pushed him away, wish he would have told me that sooner because I would have stopped. I also think we spent too much time together. The only time I had to myself was when I was doing homework. I should have continued going out with friends on Friday night or doing something for myself Saturday. I want to talk but I'm afraid he's already done, and in other ways I just wish I could be done.

Matt called me last night to tell me the news he had found out about his taxes. While I was happy he called, it also stung a little bit. He sounded happy, like nothing was wrong, while my heart just sank. I texted him later that night saying while I want to support him in any way I can, I also need to think of myself. I asked him if he thought there would be a future for us because if not, I needed to take some time and not be communicating with him. He said he wouldn't be opposed to that and space really can heal pain. He also said he doesn't know what the future holds unfortunately. So for now, for my feelings and for me to really move on I can't talk to him.

Who does know what the future holds but it isn't fair to me to be communicating with him holding on to that one thought that maybe we would get back together someday. This relationship is over. I need to accept that, as much as it hurts, and move on. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get back to normal and I'll probably still have moments where it just hurts but that's okay.

I miss him, intensely. I just want to call him to hear his voice or see him and get a hug. I've never felt this way before and I never want to feel this way again. My chest hurts, sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want to go to sleep and wake up 2 months from now.

I can't sleep, tonight was rough. I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted but my brain won't shut off. The talk with Matt was hard but it was needed, I actually feel a tiny bit better.

When I first got there I handed him the bag of clothes and toys I had been getting A for Valentine's Day. I can't think about him without crying, so I don't. We then hugged and cried, it was so nice hugging him again.

He isn't happy with himself, or the way he is acting right now. He feels like he has put to much pressure on my to do things..i.e. take A to his Mom's house on Sunday. I've never really told him before but I like that time with A. When it's just us two in my car, telling ridiculous knock knock jokes to each other until we are both laughing so hard or playing I-Spy (even though I've explained to him 100 times it's so hard to play I-Spy in a car going 70 mph :p). He wants to get back to being as self reliant as he was before he met me and I can understand that.

He said this wasn't the end. He just needs some time to get better himself so he can be the boyfriend he wants to be. That doesn't mean I'm getting my hopes up that we will ever get back together. I'm going to take it one day at a time, I'll be there for him when he needs me while he will do the same. If things progress and we want to give it another shot then we will. If not, I hope we can be friends. To make things not as confusing for A, I'm just going to not be around for a few weeks and then we will all go to dinner or something. That way he knows I'm still here and I love him.

Going out dancing tonight, hoping it gets my mind off of things...I know it will. If nothing else Nicole and I can sit at the bar at people watch.

So this is what it feels like to get broken up with. 3 days before Valentine's day, when everything around me is all about love, hearts, kisses and bullshit. He was honestly my first love and now here I am. I got involved with someone who had a 3 year old, I opened myself up for the both of them. Loved them until it hurt, and now I've lost both in the same day.

I set my alarm extra early this morning so I could text him something cute before he went into work. At the exact same moment I sent my text, I got one from him. Pretty much said we need to talk, I've been thinking. I called him, I was going to wait until tonight to talk but I knew what was coming. I didn't want to have that pukey feeling all day, I'd rather know. He just said he's not happy, with himself. I'm doing everything right but he needs to work on himself before he is in a relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but it still doesn't make it easier. He said he still loves me, and I obviously still love him. Feelings just don't go away in a day. I'm meeting him tonight so we can talk in person and then life goes on.

Guess I spoke to soon about everything being okay with Matt.

We were texting back and forth yesterday morning after our normal wake up texts. I told him, just to let you know, Nicole and I are planning on going dancing Friday. Now normally when I tell him I'm going to do something with the girls he says, great, have fun! This time he just wrote back okay. This is also the first week that he has Friday and Saturday off so I texted him asking if he had any plans for us. He said nope. At that point I started to feel bad so I asked if he minded if I went.I should have just dropped it, but my feelings took over. He responded with I don't mind if you go. Do what you want. Was probably just going to sit home anyways.

This is when I thought, hmm...he doesn't want me to go. I over-analyzing everything, so I said I can go another weekend, I know you have Friday off. And then he blew up. Omg Heather! Just go!! I'm not a baby! I can handle being alone!!! That pretty much ended our conversation for the day. I was just trying to take his feelings into account, I know he can handle being alone but again, this was the first Friday and Saturday he's had off. I left it alone but texted him a few hours later saying that I was meeting with the Dean of my college tomorrow to talk about one of my Professors, and nothing. Not even an I hope it goes well.

I went to dinner last night with Kate and throughout dinner we were talking about it and I got my hopes up that he was going to call or text. 2 hours we sat there and still nothing. Came home, started painting that damn desk again, maybe he'll text me goodnight. Nope. Once again, going to bed with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't texted him since and don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me.

I don't know if he's going through something and just doesn't want to share. It's now day three of not really talking and it's all I think about. I've been crying all day, yesterday, last night, at the restaurant. I do so much for him and the boy. I love him more than I have loved anybody else in my life excluding my family. I'm just feeling very un-appreciated and un-wanted right now and I can't live like that. I realize people get depressed and in funks but you can't just not talk to your girlfriend for three days, because now I think it's all my fault when I really didn't do anything wrong. I need a little text during the day saying, hey hope your day is going well! or miss you! Something that lets me know that he actually is thinking about me. Eventually when I do talk to him I'm going to lay it out and if things don't change then I need to re-evaluate if this is the right thing for me.

So now the waiting begins, I'm not getting my hopes up for talking to him today.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on here is bitch. I feel like that is what a blog is good for though, bitching on it when I really don't want to bitch at other people. Getting my feelings out when I can't talk.

I know I pretty much only talk bad about Matt on here but he obviously is awesome or else I still wouldn't be with him. I just feel like we got thrown into this crazy relationship and have to work through it more so than other relationships. It's not easy going from being single to being a girlfriend and a 'step-mom'. That little boy puts this relationship into it's own category and while we don't ever fight about him, we always have to think about what we are doing and how it will affect him.

I talked with him yesterday and I was right, he just needed space. I didn't really feel like I was smothering him considering I had only seen him for Friday night and Saturday morning, but that's his deal. His work has been stressful lately, he's worried about money and his car is giving him problems. Add me in the that equation and I think he just shut down. So stepping back for awhile, not going to text as much or stay over. The texting is hard though because when I'm at work I have nothing else to do but just think and text. Maybe I need to start leaving my phone in the car or something, and switching gears.

Found this website today and the drawings are cracking me up. These are from Married to the Sea.

Sitting here typing as I'm waiting for paint to dry on my desk, got a itch to paint it today. $37 later (!!!)....the cats are also helping me, so I'm sure my bright green desk with have black cat hairs speckled throughout. Oh well.

The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm getting into somewhat of a routine with working 4 days a week and school 5 days a week. Still meeting with the criminal defense attorney, drafted up a few letters for him. Hopefully this Friday I will be meeting with an organization here in Boston, I think it might become a weekly thing and I'm very very excited for the opportunity.

Matt and I are doing okay. I'm starting to realize maybe I am spending and dedicating to much time to him. It's so hard because I love spending time with him and the boy but I also need to focus on me and what I need to do. His apartment has heat and cable which is so very tempting during these winter months. Today he told me that me being there without him makes him feel anxious and that he needs to rush home. I tried explaining to him that I really don't mind when he's not there and I've never told him he needed to rush home and see me. I don't mind being there without him. I understand he needs to do things, but he still feels anxious so I'm going to back off a bit. Hence why I'm painting today.

I did get tattooed Friday, the sleeve is a few more sittings away from being done. Yay! I think I've been working on it for 3 years now, I'm ready for it to be DONE. Already have my plans for the next sleeve and my ribs and feet, if only I was a millionaire.

(Thanks for the feedback on the last post. I don't know who you guys are but I do appreciate it, especially from an outsiders perspective, so thanks!)

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

Eep, that last post was such a bummer. It's normal in life to get down and feel like nothing is ever going to go right or things will never change. I have so many good things going on in my life though, and those are the things I need to focus on. I made up some goals that I want to put my energy into, whenever I feel like life is just getting too out of control, I just need to be reminded what I'm reaching for.

-Get my paralegal certificate...assuming nothing drastic happens I will achieve this in May. I was also under the impression that my current nanny job was ending in May but my boss let me know last week that that will not be happening. She said there family can't live without me. That gives me a big relief knowing that I have some time to find a paralegal job or continue on my way to getting my associates.

-Land a paying job in the paralegal field...once I get my certificate I will start looking.

-Learn to knit...I wanted to start last year but really had no time. I have no time right now but maybe during the summer somebody will teach me.

-Take another vacation...this is what keeps me going during the year, knowing that I have tickets booked to a different place. A place to explore new cultures, food, atmospheres, everything. Matt and I have been talking about going to San Francisco during the end of the summer. We want to take A and have also been talking with my family about possibly meeting them down there. San Francisco is one of my favorite cities besides Boston and I know it will be hard to pull Matt and I away from it.

That's it for now. I'm sure I have more, but I don't want to overwhelm myself ;).

Matt and I headed to Vegas last week. What a way to start the New Year. It was nice to get away with Matt away from life, but unfortunately, now we are back and life just dumps more on you.

School starts next week, I have classes everyday along with work 4 days a week and a potential internship one day a week. I'm already feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Throughout the day all that I think about is everything I need to get done and how busy I've made myself. I really have no other choice though. I've told myself I would also be able to financially support myself with whatever comes my way and becoming a paralegal is doing that. Would it be easier to give up? Yes. Do I want to give up? Sometimes. It's just so daunting thinking about the future. Will I get a job in May....I really really hope so.

My car is still broken. I googled the problem today and apparently other Jetta owners have also been experiencing the same thing. They mentioned it could be the brake light switch and come to find out, that was recalled. I have an appointment Thursday and if it doesn't get fixed Thursday I think I might actually strangle somebody. My windshield washer fluid also decided that it doesn't want to come out. It's not blocked, there is plenty of washer fluid in it, it just doesn't spray high enough up. Almost like a hose is disconnected or somethingt, which the people at Midas have also told me. I told Heather today I was having problems with it and she piped in that she put more fluid in it. THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM. You can put as much damn fluid as you want in there, it just pours out of the bottom of the car. She also told me she figured out the parking release issue. Who knew she was a mechanic? She said she found a way to get around it, I don't want a way to get around it. I want the issue fixed. I'm so done with her. Really.

Breathe Breathe Breath.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. REALLLLYYYY. Time can stop now, thank you.

(picture from www.weheartit.com....loving this site!)

Christmas is over. It's amazing how fast it goes, the anticipation building up for the months before and then -bam- it's over.


Matt and I talked things out, he agreed to be more sensitive of my feelings and I agreed to try not to be so crazy. Haha. He told me a story of another new girl that is going to be working with him at the new store who is boy crazy. Apparently she has gotten pretty close to crossing the friend zone line and he had a talk with her about it. He told her that their relationship is going to be purely work based and it wouldn't go beyond that. Makes me feel good that he shared that with me and actually put up those boundaries.

Back to Christmas. Christmas Eve we made cookies with Adrian and set them out for Santa and then Matt and I exchanged our gifts with each other. I knew Matt was strapped for cash so I didn't expect much and that didn't bother me. He did get me a few things but the card he got for me did me in. Wasn't the card per say-but what he wrote inside. It said:
Heather, I just wanna say thanks. Thanks for buying me dinner and things I don't need. Thanks for taking care of A. Thanks for being vegetarian. Thanks for sometimes being the big spoon. Thanks for putting up with my shit...even if you don't have family here, you can be happy with me! So smile, I love you! Merry Freakin' Christmas!

And then I cried and melted into a big pile of goo. We went to his parents house for Christmas day, got Grasshopper that night and just hung out.

I took my last final last night and school is over until January. That is one stress off of my plate.

These last few days have torn me up and it's really hard for me to get excited about Christmas this year. I'm not spending it with my family , along with all of the stress leading up to it just makes me want to sleep until it's over. I really hate feeling this way and tried so hard to get into the spirit. Also knowing that my relationship is on the rocks hurts. We texted a bit last night and I'm going to have the chance to talk to him tonight and I know things will get better. We both have a ton on our plate right now and have gotten thrown into this whirl-wind relationship pretty fast.

I don't know what's next in my life. I wanted 2009 to be an amazing year, and it was but it was also filled with a lot of tears. I'm kind of glad 2010 is right around the corner, a fresh start, time to breath and get ready for even more insanity that lies ahead.

I've decided to start back up on birth control again, as much as I hate to do it. It really levels my hormones out and I'm sick of being all over the place. This past month I've felt like I've been pmsing non-stop. I know guys don't understand it and it's hard to explain how you go from wanting to rip someones head off, to crying, to perfectly happy all in the span of 5 minutes. I also need to start getting over my trust issues, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that. I fear that he will leave me, I fear that everyone will leave me, which after both of your 'fathers' don't want anything to do with you it's pretty hard not to have that fear. All the experts say I need to forgive them so I can move on, but I'll never forgive them. I try to forget and pretend that everything is fine in my life but there will always be that hole.

::sigh::

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn difficult. Matt and I were great and one thing is ruining it, another girl.

He went on an interview at this girls store about 2 months ago. She thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, talked him up to people above them and continues to talk to him. Mind you, he was also told that this girl had a reputation of being a whore. She's the one who invited him to her Thanksgiving party for friends, she's the one who texted him asking for a picture to show her friends 'his stretched ears', she's the one who invited us over for a holiday party and then proceeded to kiss him on the cheek when we left. GUESS WHAT? I don't trust the bitch. She's married and investing way to much time in my boyfriend, something is not right and I've had this gut feeling something is not right since the beginning. I haven't been able to eat, Matt and I got in a huge fight and he pretty much told me that if I don't accept him being friends with these people than I should break up with him.

In my heart I know I'm not the girl that cares if he has 'girl' friends. He has other girl friends that I don't care if he talks with or hangs out with, but this one...something about her. I've had this happen personally in my life twice, and it ended badly both times. Also, one of the women was married so her being married has no bearing on what she is capable of.

I have finals today, I'm a wreck, I don't know what to do. I want to be able to not think about it and just let them be friends. Nikki gave me some good advice to just ride it out and see what happens but I'm afraid. The girl he's going to be working with all the time also texts him and calls him but I don't get any 'I want him' vibes from her.

I love him so much and to think that he would throw this away to be friends with her also eats me up. I don't know if he was just saying that because he was pissed anyways, I don't know.

Still haven't seen Matt and it is absolutely killing me. I know that's pathetic and I never really understood people who missed their significant others while they were gone but I GET IT now.

We had a lovely phone 'discussion' and then I clarified tonight some things I had been feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn't planning things with work as a way to distance himself from me. He was taken aback by this and told me in no way shape or form was that the case. This week just got to be crazy scheduling wise.

I get to see him tomorrow night if all goes as planned and I can't wait to smother him with kisses.

Got a lot of my Christmas present shopping done today. Bought my nieces some unique fun gifts, wish I could be there when they opened them :(

Last week of school before finals, have another meeting with the lawyer, a doctors appointment and potentially NYC on Saturday. Can't believe this year is almost over and I'm also 23. Eek!

In order to not say really mean things to a certain person I love, I'm going to vent here. Cute boy and I have been getting along swimmingly. Things were good, busy, hectic, but good. I try my hardest to spend quality time with him and admittedly it was usually at least 5 nights a week.

This week I've seen him once, and that was at 11 o'clock at night, right before I had to go to bed.

I'm frustrated, pmsing, hurt and angry.

On Sunday night we talked about going over to Nicoles house for a vegan potluck for Snak. We had these plans for about 3 weeks. Matt gets an e-mail shortly after from one of his co-workers (at another store-whom I think has a crush on him) that she is having an after Thanksgiving party. Higher ups were going to be there so he felt that it was important for him to go. Fine, go.

Monday he worked in Brighton, literally 10 minutes from my house. He was supposed to get off of work at 10, called me at 10:45 saying he was just leaving. Guess he had to tie up some loose ends.

Tuesday...I had a date night with Heather scheduled so I didn't see him. He had a man-date with his friend.

Wednesday I felt like I got hit by a bus because of my cold. I had been texting Matt throughout the day and agreed to go to his house at 8, when he would be getting home from work. He called me later saying that he agreed to drive something up to the Medford store from Providence. That means he drives literally 5 minutes from my apartment. I texted him and asked him if he would come snuggle after he was done just for a few and maybe bring me something hot to eat, i.e. soup. He said he didn't know if he had enough money for gas and food. I said forget about it, don't even come if you don't have gas. So he didn't. Secretly I just wished he would of. I know if he was sick I would do everything I could to help him feel better.

Thursday we made plans with John and Nicole to go see the Christmas lights display they have at Stoneham zoo. I thought Adrian would really enjoy it and we would get to hang out, just have fun. He called me in the middle of the day saying someone wanted to switch shifts with him so he would now be opening tomorrow, meaning he has to get up really early so he can't go out. I had to cancel the plans with John and Nicole and not see him for another night.

Friday, today. I'm babysitting until around 9 pm. I asked him if I could come over after because I really want to see him. He said sure but he's probably just going to go to bed. I asked him so when I come over you are just going to go to bed. He said yeah. At this point my head exploded. That's what you say to me?!?!? Couldn't you have just pretended you were really excited to see me and couldn't wait?!?!!? So fuck that, I think I'm going to go drink wine with Nicole.

Won't see him Saturday because I'm busy all day and babysitting tomorrow night. Sunday he has work and then needs to screenprint. I said maybe I'll come 'help' you screenprint and he said no because his friend Tom is coming over to see how it's done. Well fuck me. You tell me when you want to hang out next becomes I'm spent.

Again...still pmsing. Also found out today that I might have a cyst which I'm not too worried about but it would be nice to see my boyfriend. ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH.

I hate playing games but I'm about ready to become an ice queen and too busy to see him next week.

This weekend included the fun filled task of getting the Christmas tree! Growing up picking out the correct tree was also a process. We would hike into the woods and wouldn't leave until the perfect tree was found. While this seems fun, it usually ended in someone being upset and all of us with frozen toes.

This year was different. It was rainy and gross out so we walked into home depot and picked out the first tree was saw. It was already wrapped so we were hoping when we got home that it didn't have any gaping holes. We set it up, put some lights on, threw Batman on top instead of a star and it looks great. Adrian was ecstatic,which is the best part of the whole thing. We did have one mishap though, when Matt and I were tying it to my car we tied it with my doors closed so we tied ourselves out. We had to climb through the windows which was an interesting experience.

2 more crazy weeks and then I'll have a nice little break. This week is busy, next week is busy, then finals and I'm DONE.