This is the first time I've gotten a chance to write anything in the past few days. This weekend was busy busy. Took Adrian to the frog pond, movies, the waterfront and the library.

I also started my new job. I've been there three days now and I'm starting to get the swing of things. They have their own intense computer system and one wrong button push could send out arrest warrant letters so I have to be verrrry careful with what I'm doing. I can also listen to my music while I work which is awesome.

Another busy weekend lined up...possible bowling tomorrow, Red Sox Friday and Matt has Saturday off so we want to do something fun. Hopefully the weather co-operates.

I'm sticky, sweaty and cranky. Not exactly what I wanted my last week of work to be filled with. I'm also working 10 hours a day in a house with no a.c. Ellie's room does have a.c. but you can only sit in a room so long before you start going stir-crazy. I have one more day left and then it's the end.

Last night I went out to dinner with the family I used to nanny for in California. Coincidentally they are the reason I started this blog...to bitch about them. We had a good time though. Now that I am not their 'employee' things were much more casual and relaxed. They seemed to enjoy Matt and he was on his best behavior :) The kids have grown so much and it's crazy to think about it. I don't feel as though I've aged that much but I must have.

4 more hours of work...I'm hoping to go get a burrito once Ellie wakes up. I've been forgetting to eat since it's been so hot, not that forgetting to eat is going to kill me.

New York. The trip almost didn't happen. We had planned this trip for a few weeks in advance, so the morning finally comes, we wake up early and take the subway to catch the bus. Not even thinking I just assume that the bus departs from Back Bay. We are sitting outside, about a half hour early, just us. I walk inside to grab an iced tea and come back out...still nobody else there. I thought..huh, that's weird, usually people would be here by now. I look at the tickets...they said "Gate 9", another huh moment. Back Bay doesn't have gates...and then it clicked! Oh shit! The bus is departing from South Station, not Back Bay, and it's 6:43, our bus is supposed to leave at 7.

We rush to the subway again and pretty much run through Boston knowing that we were not going to make it...and we didn't. I was so aggravated. I've never missed anything travel wise in my life and I hate being late. I was snippy with Matt, he was snippy with me and we almost just turned around and came home. BUT...I reserved a shitty hotel for half our life savings so we WERE going and we WERE going to have fun. We made it on the next bus which left only a half hour later and all was okay...until Matt threw up on the bus. Luckily he had a bag.

OHhhhhhhh.... poor guy. He gets motion sickness so easily.

Once we actually got to NY, we had a blast. We walked for miles, ate some yummy vegan food, saw Avenue Q and saw the sites. Matt had been to NY once with school and saw the Statue of Liberty so it was fun showing him all of the other stuff. Times Square, Rockefeller Center, Central Park and we went to the top of the rock.

It's nice to be able to go do things like this alone. While we both love having time with A, we also need to have time for ourselves, for our relationship. Matt actually texted me today that he's been meaning to tell me that he fell in love with me all over again on the trip, and then my heart turned to mush.

What a week! Matt and I enjoyed two days in NYC, but that's a whole other post in itself.

BUT...for now...I GOT A REAL JOB. I'm so excited, I've been smiling all day yesterday and today. This wasn't the job through my internship but with another law firm entirely. I went for the interview on Wednesday and they said they would get back to me next week. They called me the next day and offered me the position! I'm officially a legal assistant in the court results department and I start in a week. It's full time with really great benefits. It feels so good to have worked hard and now see things finally start coming together.

It's also bittersweet. To think I only have a week left watching Ellie makes me incredibly sad. I've been with her since she was six weeks old. We have so much fun together and even when I'm having a terrible day, I know her laughs and smiles will brighten it up. I know I'll still see them every now and then but not seeing her 4 days a week is going to be an adjustment. I've been doing this nanny gig for 6 years now and it's time for me to start my career. I'm excited!!

Matt's schedule can be unpredictable...such is life when working in retail. Because of this, I sometimes watch Adrian during the weekend. Matt had to work Friday this week so Adrian and I went on some adventures. We hiked in the JP Arboretum to the top where you get this awesome view of Boston. I want to go back at night...although I don't know if you can do that. He was all tuckered out, hence why he looks so thrilled.




After that we went to a few 'water' parks and shopped a bit. I came home and cooked vegan lasagna..which was the first time I've ever cooked dinner for Matt. Eep! He's such a good cook and I just don't enjoy cooking but I feel like I have to contribute every once in awhile. It actually came out really really good.

Saturday I had to babysit for 11 hours and I felt crappy....what a day that was.

Sunday was Father's Day so Adrian and I got to give Matt his surprises! Adrian made Matt cry with his gift of a little frisbee so he could "play with daddy." He also loved the Red Sox tickets, so all in all it was a successful day!

I don't want the weekends to end. I enjoy spending time with the boys so much. Of course it's nice to have some peace and quiet and time in my own space...but I'd rather be with them.

Matt had to work some of the time but yesterday he had the day off. We were planning on going to the common, walk around the gardens, look at the swan boats and then walk to Quincy market. The weather had other plans and decided to rain so we put those plans on hold and went bowling instead. We walked around Davis Square and went to Goodwill looking for figurines of Jesus. Even though both Matt and I are not religious in the slightest, we still appreciate the art of him? If that makes sense. We didn't find Jesus, but we did find a Johnny Cash record for 99 cents! The cover held a different album but I went searching through all of the loose vinyl and found Johnny. I was pretty proud of myself. Then we went to Harvard Square and walked around some more. I love this part of living in the city. No plans, just walking around different sections of the city.

We've been toying with the idea of moving in together in September. Or rather, I would move into his apartment. I know to some people that would seem crazy but I don't really care. We've kind of been mapping out what we want together and it seems to make the most sense. We would each be saving about $200 a month in rent which we would either use for a new car. We've toyed with the idea of also getting down to one car, which would also save money. If I get a job within Boston I could rely on public transportation. We ideally want to get our own place but financially speaking want to bank some money first.

I'm working three days this week, interning and hopefully hearing about an interview...fingers are still crossed!

Today was long. Dealing with a crabby, teething baby while you are pmsing is no fun. My schedule also got flipped all over the place. I thought I was going to be able to join Matt with his friend Hilary for lunch tomorrow in Chinatown but that's not going to happen. Ah well.

In order to get me in a somewhat better mood I picked up some de-fucking-licious vegan cupcakes from a little bakery down the street from work. I'm also going to pick up a movie and head over to Matt's. I don't have to go in to work until around noon so it's going to be an evening of cuddling and a nice slow morning tomorrow. Then a busy weekend!

These past few weeks have been so busy. I've been going non-stop. Tonight feels like the first night I can actually enjoy a solid 4 hours of nothing before going to bed.

Matt and I are getting back into the swing of things. I've definitely noticed an improvement in his actions and I'm improving mine as well. Most of the people in my life have wished me well in this. Some have been in this situation, some have not. Most want to see me happy but are a little skeptical because they don't want to see me get hurt again. Obviously I don't want to see that either. I've known since I met him that he is the one I want to spend my life with and this is what makes me happy.

Other than that aspect of my life, I've been submitting resumes consistently. The job I'm really waiting to hear from doesn't close until next Monday so I don't think I will hear about an interview until then. I just really hope I can line something up before Fall, if not, then I'm going to keep plugging away at classes. I plan to do that anyways but I just want a real job.

Spain is also probably not happening :( I'm extremely bummed but flights are around $1200 and I just can't justify spending that much money on plane ticket. Flights to China didn't even cost that much. Matt and I have been talking about Ireland so I think I'm going to save for that instead. It's much cheaper, only about $600, which would leave room for renting a car so we could drive around the country. I just need to leave the country and wanted to do so before the end of the year but January works too.

Alright, that's enough mindless bullshit for now.

Back to Yale for the weekend. It's nice to see the girls again and catch up and the money doesn't hurt either.

Some of that was spent buying tickets to



The three of us will be going in July. I bought the tickets for Matt for Father's Day. Haven't given them to him yet, but I'm stoked!

Waking up to three new text messages usually makes me worried in the morning.

Not when you open them and they say this:

I know you're sleeping, but I kinda wish you'd wake up. Also wish I wasn't working so early. I love you so much and I have this whole time. Guess it just scared me, but now I know more than ever that I truly love you and that I can't do this whole "life" thing without you. I love you.

What a nice way to start to the day. I also found this last night but it's only a design on shirts, I want it as a print for Matt.

Phew. It's been a wild week and a half.

Matt and I did finally hang out. We went to grab food, walked around Davis Square and went and saw a movie. I expected him to get in the car and just declare that "Yes, he missed me and wants to be with me". That didn't happen though. He said he was definitely feeling better about life and was almost to the point of being ready to be in a relationship again. We didn't really talk anymore about it and just got caught up on life in general. It was really fun and just made me realize how much I missed him.

He texted me the next day, and ended up coming over that night. I didn't really know what was going to happen. He came in and said I'm ready to do this. I wasn't expecting it. Of course this is what I've wanted for three months but I didn't think it was going to happen. He said he knows he wants to be with me and he wants this to be it. He's been seeing his counselor, which I believe helps immensely. I also kind of want to give his counselor a hug for making him pull his head out of his ass. He was explaining to his roommate yesterday the situation between us and Matt said, "I had this great girl who's smart, beautiful, loves me and is going places in her life and I let her go. I was stupid". That gave me warm fuzzies and I truly believe that he wants this to work.

We talked more about my reservations. I explained to him that I will do this again but that's it. We are working through things when they get tough and not just bailing.

I met with Kate the next day and we talked about things. I was deciphering whether I should tell him about me hooking up with someone while we were broken up. In the end, I decided to tell him. I was feeling sick all day thinking that once he heard he was just going to ask me to leave...but he didn't. He just said okay, I did hang out with a girl for about two weeks but she sucked so nothing happened. I feel much better knowing that we both told each other because I hate having secrets. While it really was none of his business what I did during the break, I couldn't keep it from him. Also why I can never cheat, that shit would just eat me up from the inside out.

Things are going really well. I'm learning to let go of some things, he's putting in the effort and now I'm just enjoying the moments.

Life feels a little surreal right now. I have an extremely busy weekend but I'll write more on Sunday.

I don't want to rehash the details of what happened but when a friend questions your intentions....feelings get hurt. I try to be the best friend/person I can be and of course I'm not perfect. I make mistakes and I will openly admit when I did something wrong and apologize.

I don't want to dwell on what was said, what happened. I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I think both sides made mistakes and that's what happens in any relationship. Ups and downs.

Also, can I go here? Please?


I'm spending the night working on my resume and cover letter for an amazing job opportunity that makes me just giddy thinking about the possibilities. It's not going to be an easy gig to get but I'm thinking positive.

I was going to write a post this weekend about friendships and how they take work. Lately I feel like I've been putting in a lot of work for some of my friendships and not getting a fair share back. I didn't write it though because I told myself that we all have busy lives and this is just the point we are at now and I should be grateful for what I do have.

Maybe my subconscious knew something was brewing because I got slapped across the face with it today.

This weekend was a baptism for a little boy whom I consider my nephew. I woke up Saturday not feeling well but told myself I needed to go. I drove over an hour to get there with a stop to cry. I got the the church and watched the baptism and proceeded to the house for a BBQ. Still wasn't feeling good so after about 45 minutes when another friend needed to leave, I also excused myself. I didn't mention why I was leaving, they were both busy. Should I have shot them a message later explaining why I left? Probably. The thought didn't even cross my mind though. My mind was on getting home and going to home to bed. I could understand being upset with me if I skipped out and went to hang out with another friend but that wasn't the case at all.

I texted her this morning to see if she was at work. We usually get online in the mornings and have our few minutes of gossip fest before work but she wasn't online. She replied later with an email explaining that she was hurt. And then went into more details about how she feels the only time I hang out anymore is for a potential boy connection.


I'm still kind of reeling and don't think I can express what I need to right now, so that will be for another day.

I'm still trying to process the last week. Tuesday night I texted Matt asking if we were still going to hang out on Wednesday. I told him what had happened with Brit and how I just needed a hug and to be able to get my mind off things. The whole time we were in a relationship I never really needed him. I wanted him, of course, but this week I did need him.

And then he canceled. Texted me Wednesday saying he had gotten a new emulsion for screen-printing and that he wanted to try it out. The text was littered with smiley faces. I started crying, I was angry, emotional, and upset. We're not dating so it's probably my fault for putting this pressure on him to be there for me but I was hoping there would have been a change. He would have known that I really needed to hang out and would have made me a priority, for once.

He said he wants to go out tomorrow after he gets off of work but I'm not counting on that happening either.

My boss gave me Thursday off and I took Brit to the beach. We talked, lounged and ate some yummy food. She appears to be doing okay.

After writing that last post and feeling somewhat stoked on life, I got kicked in the stomach with more news.

I texted Brit earlier in the day to make sure she was doing okay. She texted me back that she would call me later, things had been pretty hectic. I assumed she was at work, so around 7:30 she finally called.

Her voice was shaky, I knew something was wrong. She had said that she had been in the hospital for a bit.

I thought she miscarried. My heart sank, but I also almost let out a sigh of relief. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person but considering how this situation panned out, it was my first reaction.

The baby was fine. She was not. She took pills Sunday night, couldn't do it anymore. She realized that she would be hurting the baby so called the ambulance almost immediately. They flushed her system but she was still in and out of consciousness.

I don't even know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I wish I could do something, anything but just be there.

It almost feels surreal. I can't even process what would be happening right now if she was successful.

I'm either sick or allergies are kicking my ass. Either way, I don't approve.

I did get some encouraging news. One of the paralegals I work with at my internship said that because of me they have had the most bankruptcy case referrals, which is awesome! She also said the referral paralegal is leaving in the fall to attend law school if I would be interesting in applying for his position. YES! She said over two hundred people applied last time but she would put a good word in for me with the higher ups.

My whole point of becoming a paralegal was to help people, in whatever form I could. This organization does that and more and I could totally seeing myself working there. I'll continue volunteering and see what happens when the position finally opens up.

Another weekend gone. I took a three hour nap today because apparently I don't like to sleep on the weekends.

Friday we went to Providence to celebrate Renee's birthday. We went to Julians, again. I liked their breakfast better but their dinner wasn't too shabby. We went bowling after, and I almost beat all 6 people but I choked on the 8th string. OF COURSE.

Brit and I also had some photo fun in my car before we went out. I need to start taking way more pictures of life. I've been slacking.




Saturday we woke up and got breakfast at Whole Foods. Went shopping, watched movies, napped and then went to AS220 for the Ruiner show. I don't care how cliche or cheesy it is, but this band has really made these past three months bearable. The drummer (whom I didn't know was the drummer because I have no idea who's who in bands) started talking to Brit and I before they went on. We talked a little bit about there experience in China and then I just told him about the past three months and how they are what's gotten me through. He said that's the first time a girl has said that to him, usually it's dudes, hahah. Something about reading their lyrics and realizing that you are not the only miserable person on the planet makes it better. They put on a good show. Not a lot of people were as into them so I actually got to stand pretty close and sing my little heart out.



Today I came back to Boston and took a nice walk to Symphony to grab some sushi at Whole Foods. Lazy day. Matt and I have been texting more and plan to hang out on Wednesday. That should be interesting.

Still haven’t hung out with Matt yet as ‘just friends’. We were both busy last week and this week is proving to be the same. We have texted some but not a whole lot. He did text me yesterday that driving to Newport is not the same without me. I replied that life isn’t the same and he agreed. I’m getting a gut feeling that us hanging out with him continuing to text me that he would eventually like things to work out between us. I could just be pulling that out of left field.

Nicole asked what I thought about the idea of us getting back together. Deep down I’m still in love with him and still care greatly for him. The love I feel for him now is not the same as when we were together and again, I’m not going in to this expecting us to date again. We both made mistakes, nobodys perfect. I do think there is a potential for both of us to change what needed to be fixed and work through it.

I’m really not letting these thoughts consume me though, I’m learning to just let things happen.

As of tomorrow, I will officially be a paralegal. It’s a huge relief knowing that’s out of the way but my associates degree still looms so I’m not entirely out of the woods yet. I did re-write my resume and have started sending it out so let’s hope there is some interest.

I might be making a huge mistake doing this but I'm going to start hanging out with Matt as friends.

After not responding to his texts this weekend I had these overwhelming thoughts of never talking to him again. I couldn't sleep, it was all I thought about.

He lives in Allston now (close) and I told him I'm tired of talking about what happened, we both know how each other feels and I just want to move on. I'm not expecting us to ever get back together and wouldn't right now but I still miss having him as a friend.

I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like I try and over-analyze everything and I just need to let life happen.