She is asleep on my couch right now.  The last few days have been a whirlwind and I'm worn out!  Matt and I have discussed getting a dog for some time now and it's always been an "in the future" type though.  I found a post on craigslist about a pitbull puppy mix that needed a new home.  I wrote the lady who had her, we exchanged e-mails, pics and this past Friday we went to meet her. The only thing that's throwing a thorn in our spine is our landlord.  I texted him on Wednesday to let him know we were looking at dogs, he was okay with this but wanted us to stay away from "aggressive breeds".  I told him about our meeting with Emma on Friday and if we should skip it, no response from him so we went.  

We didn't expect to take her home so soon but the owner asked if we wanted her and we said "sure!".  We had no supplies.  We get her home and that's when we receive another text from the landlord that he would prefer a different breed.  I wanted to bang my head against the wall.  If this guy is so concerned with us getting a dog, specifically one that has a little pitbull in her, then why is he taking days to respond. I texted him back stating that we had her for the weekend and we wanted him to come meet her before he makes a final decisions.  Still no response and that was on Friday!  Honestly, it sucks that this whole breed of dogs gets a bad rap because of media hysterics.  I understand that some of these dogs are bred to fight and obviously that's not okay and I feel bad for those little guys.  Emma has lived with a family since she's been born, a family with kids and another dog.  She's been nothing but friendly with us, doesn't bark and only get's a little crazy every now and then because she's still a puppy.  

I can't sleep, I just wish he would come and meet her and we would be all set.  I don't know what we are going to do if he won't let us have her :(  

These past few days have been incredibly busy though.  Man, I though I was busy before.  The focus is now totally on her.  She did have a few accidents inside but now we have her little potty spot outside and I think she's beginning to get it.  I still watch her like a hawk though.  We have hardwood floors which makes clean-up easy but I'd rather not have her peeing in the house.  I also feel incredible guilt leaving her alone. It's so bad and probably so irrational.  We are discussing putting her in a doggie daycare once a week or something just to get her out and socializing.  Matt has two days off during the week and I have the weekends off so she'll only be by herself for 3 days a week and even though his schedule staggers.  I keep telling myself she'll be okay but seeing her in her crate is depressing.  Eventually we will let her roam but that's probably a few months out.  We are definitely enjoying her snuggles though.

ETA-  While I was writing this post our landlord texted Matt and said we could keep her.  Yay yay yay!!

Just put my mom in a cab and sent her on her way to airport.  This visit was not all rainbows and butterflies like I wanted it to be.  I could lie and say it was but I won't.  My mom and I have a complex relationship.  I didn't live with her growing up, I would stay with her for a few weeks during the summer.  She's very motherly and likes to make sure everybody has everything they need but almost to the point of being overbearing.  I'm an adult now with my own little family, I have no interest in being mothered anymore. 

We also live two very different lives. Everything from our locations, what we eat, religion, politics...you name it, it's different.  There were a few moments where she was crying and stated she just wanted to go home.  It broke my heart because I was the one who was making her feel this way.  I felt like I was being judged the whole time she was here.  My sister kept texting me giving me ideas of what we should be doing, I should be feeding her meat, I should be doing this and that.  At one point even her boyfriend texted me and I've never even met the guy.  It was frustrating to say the least.  I don't tell them what they should be doing, I don't expect them to do it to me.  I think this would lead anybody to feel judged. 

I didn't want it to go this way.My aunt was supposed to fly in with my mom but because she was flying stand-by, they bumped her off.  I feel if my aunt was here the visit would have gone differently.  My aunt and I can usually laugh at my mom's antics.  I don't know if she will come visit again and after not seeing her for two years it makes me sad. 

My mother flew in a day early, threw a little wrench in our plans but I got one more day off and we are going out to enjoy it.

Yesterday I was joking around with Matt about wedding songs.  I don't know if he finds my jokes funny but that's beside the point.  He told me he already knew the song we would have our first dance too.  He has never shared this with me so of course I was curious.  He then played me "A Rainy Night In Soho" by The Pogues and that was it. 

I've been loving you a long time
Down all the years, down all the days
And I've cried for all your troubles
Smiled at your funny little ways
We watched our friends grow up together
And we saw them as they fell
Some of them fell into Heaven
Some of them fell into Hell

I took shelter from a shower
And I stepped into your arms
On a rainy night in Soho
The wind was whistling all its charms
I sang you all my sorrows
You told me all your joys
Whatever happened to that old song
To all those little girls and boys

Now the song is nearly over
We may never find out what it means
But there's a light I hold before me
And you're the measure of my dreams
The measure of my dreams

Sometimes I wake up in the morning
The gingerlady by my bed
Covered in a cloak of silence
I hear you in my head
I'm not singing for the future
I'm not dreaming of the past
I'm not talking of the fist time
I never think about the last

Now the song is nearly over
We may never find out what it means
Still there's a light I hold before me
You're the measure of my dreams
The measure of my dreams 

He had tears in his eyes by the time the song was done.  He said this would be the only thing he would ask for.  How can I say no to that.  

We don't have Adrian this weekend because he is with his mother, participating in his Uncle's wedding.  While I feel incredibly guilty for thinking it, the break has been nice.  Every parent needs a break every now and then.  Of course I miss him, but I'm enjoy sitting on the couch all day.  We've also taken advantage of our free weekend.

On Friday we went to see The Pogues. I bought the tickets for Matt for his birthday, some of the most expensive tickets I've ever bought for one act.  We went with friends and had a really good time.  This is their last US tour and Matt had a smile plastered on his face the whole time as well as all day yesterday.

Saturday after Matt got of work we went did dinner and movie.  We've been wanting to see The Adjustment Bureau since we saw the preview about a year ago-or at least it felt that long ago.  It was really good, a movie that kept your interest. 

I also booked our trip to Puerto Rico! I'm so excited.  I haven't traveled in forever which is not okay with me.  I have this need to see other places, cultures and I haven't been anywhere in far too long.  We chose Puerto Rico because we wanted to go somewhere and relax but I'm not that type of traveler so we will also see some sights while we are there.  Matt works with some guys who are from there and have the hook-up to a zip-lining, bridge adventure type place.  We will definitely be doing that and I would like to do one other sightseeing adventure.  The rainforest?  Caves?  Ponce?  I'm still re-searching them all. We will also be staying at a Sheraton which I'm not too sad about either.  This trip can't some soon enough.

My mom and Aunt are supposed to fly in this Thursday so today will be spent cleaning and getting ready for their arrival.






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Quite evening at home, waiting for the boy and then it's homemade pizza and t.v time.  I love nights like this.

I'm in a funk.  I've been so irritable the last few days and not exactly happy.  Walking into work this morning only to realize that my job was just one huge problem didn't help.  It amazes me that these attorneys can complete three years of law school, pass the bar, and still cannot get the simplest shit right.  I came home and I'm going to veg on the couch for the rest of the evening.  Of course, I came home to a bill for 'property sales tax' on my car for over $200.  I already paid excise on it, I'm rather confused and pissed. 

I did get to spend yesterday with a cute little baby but, it didn't bring me out of the grumpies.  I'm hoping the rest of the week is better.

The past 24 hours have been r o u g h. Wednesday are my long days, with a whole day of work and almost 4 hours of school after.  I'm taking an accounting class this semester and my professor might as well be speaking Russian, because I do not get it.  We had an exam last week and while I didn't think I did terrible, I was not expecting the grade I got.  My paper came back with a 44%.  I didn't even know getting a grade that low was possible!  I'm pissed.  I want so much to be able to understand this but it's just. not. clicking.  We read a chapter and do problems, that's it.  I don't learn that way because what I'm reading is not making sense.  It's frustrating.  I know it's just going to keep compiling onto each other so I set up an appointment for tutoring.  (in my spare time, hah).  I also e-mailed my professor to see what could be done. I can't fail this class, I can't fail any class. I've never failed a class.  I had a mini-anxiety attack at work and pretty much had tears rolling down my face all day.  I want to go to sleep and have this all be over.

I changed my name, I kind of hate the fact that my old blog just goes *poof* and I can't really tell anyone it moved.  Not that I had any followers, but still.

Still no word about the job, I'm getting so anxious.  I hate waiting!  I just want to know, either way.

and it's March 1st, C'mon Spring!  I'm ready!

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It's Sunday afternoon already, hrmpf.  I love my weekends and they just fly by so fast. I was a little scared this weekend was going to be dreadful.  We got a call from Adrian's mother on Tuesday saying that she had Adrian with her at the hospital for her ultrasound and he had been hitting and kicking her.  Of course this behavior is not acceptable, but her calling us was also kind of baffling.  Because of this, I thought we were in for a weekend of hell but it was surprisingly nice.  We had a long discussion with Adrian about that type of behavior and how it is not okay in either household and he seemed to understand.  I just think he was overwhelmed with the prospect of getting a new baby brother and realizing that the world is no longer going to revolve around him.  While that is perfectly normal thinking, acting out in the way he did was unacceptable and his mother's reaction was also less than thrilling.

What else happened this week.....The interview on Wednesday went well! I met the office manager who was really nice too.  They asked me a few more interview type questions, I asked some more questions and it was over.  I'm hoping that I hear something this week but again, I don't want to get my hopes too high.  I'm trying to remain positive though and if I don't get the job that makes planning a vacation in May a lot easier.  I'm crossing my fingers though!

I'm not feeling very well today, I don't know what's going on.  I've felt very blech since this morning.  I do have exciting news though, I have a second interview with that company next week!  I was actually expecting her to tell me she decided to go with someone else when she called but was presently surprised when it was the opposite. Now I just need to go plop myself on the couch.

Valentine's Day.  The over commercialized love-fest.  One that I got to enjoy this year.  We wanted to celebrate yesterday since we wanted Adrian to join in on some of the festivities and also because Matt is working tonight. Hmpf.

We started the morning making vegan mini donuts.  Yum yum yum.  Adrian made "special" ones with bits of chocolate on top.  

Matt also surprised me with some roses.  I'm not one of those girls that needs flowers but it sure is nice. 

After I dropped Adrian off, I spent the afternoon shopping with a friend to make the night really special. I bought ingredients to make vegan chicken potpie and vegan red velvet cupcakes, two little heart containers to bake the potpies in and some cologne for Matt.

I get home and only  have a few hours to get everything prepared so I'm feeling a little rushed.  I whip up the cupcakes and put them in the oven.  The recipe said to let them cook for 20 minutes which seemed a little long so I checked them around 7 minutes.  They were definitely cooking.  I started to smell something burning around 9 minutes.  I quickly grabbed them out of the oven and the bottoms of them were burnt to a crisp.  Ergh. I turned the stove down 150 degrees lower than it was supposed to and tried again, but the same thing happened!  I texted Matt that I didn't think the stove was working correctly and was way over-heating.  He texted me back that that may be the "thing" he ripped from the oven on Saturday.  Apparently there was something like a wire hanging in the oven the day before and it was annoying him so he ripped it out.  :blink blink:

I wasn't able to make the cupcakes or the potpies, so everything did not go according to plan.  He came home and we made wraps and watched Netflix.  I'm still laughing about it because sometimes boys can be so dumb.  Gotta love him. 

Today is another lazy Saturday.  Not as lazy as I would like it to be, there is laundry, homework, taxes to file and an apartment to clean up. 

I've been listening to her: 

Her music puts me in a good mood.  I listen to her songs on the commute home from work and they just make me calm.  Her voice, the music...it's amazing. 

The interview yesterday went well, I thought.  I interviewed with the owner of the company, she seemed to like me but she was also a little hard to read.  She said she might not make a decision for a few weeks because she wants to find the "right person".  To me that meant that I'm not it, haha, but we will see. Interviewing is always a learning experience.  

Also, my mom is coming to visit in March!  It was going to be too much of a headache for us to go see her, so she decided to come see us.  She is bringing my Aunt who has never been to Boston and they will be staying with us for about 5 days.  The apartment will be cramped but I imagine we won't be in it much.  She already bought tickets to go see Mary Poppins and the rest of the time will be spent relaxing and exploring.  I'm excited.  I haven't seen my mom in 2 years and I haven't seen my Aunt in probably 3.  It will be fun :) 

Today/this week have had some pretty exciting events.  This might be a reaction to my PMA thinking, ha!  

Matt and I have had some heated conversations about my lack of PMA (positive mental attitude).  I feel like winter just drags it out of me.  Not to mention, I'm just not one of those types to have sunshine shining out of my ass. But I'm trying to remain positive and to not let the little things, of which there are plenty, drag me down.  

The first bit of news was on Sunday.  This wasn't a great event, actually the opposite.  Every Sunday we drop the boy off with his mother.  We have a set time & meeting place.  She no longer will answer her texts and rarely her phone calls.  Last week she did us a favor by dropping the boy off at Matt's mothers house.  In return, we told her we would drive him to her house on Sunday, no need to meet up.  We get to her house on Sunday and she is nowhere to be found.  She must have completely spaced and went to the meeting place.  We called her and agreed to meet about halfway in-between.  She then called back and started yelling at Matt about how much of a horrible father he is and other bullshit.  I don't get it.  I sat there in awe.  We tried to do something nice for her and she STILL has to throw it back in our faces.  I will never understand it.  My only conclusion is that she is so miserable in her own life that she is trying to project it onto other people.  I don't think someone who is genuinely happy would act this way.  It makes me sad.  Sad that the boy is going to have to grow up with this.  We really just want to do the best for him and let him enjoy his childhood with as much normality as possibly but she won't let it happen.  I don't think she realizes the damage she is doing.  

One the flipside of this equation, Matt's lawyer called him today in regards to the letter we had send to her attorney.  They got a letter back saying that they are no longer representing her.  Now, to some people, this would really mean nothing.  TO ME...this means a lot!  Her lawyer was part of her Uncle's firm, aka she got of her legal visits/consults/paperwork/everything for free.  That is why she kept pulling Matt back into court time and time again, because it was no sweat off of her back.  I think it's horrible that I let out a little squeel at work when I found out, but honestly, I'm so tired of her getting everything handed to her.  I have a few solutions: some drama must have gone down in her family or they were tired of wasting their time in resources and court for absolutely nothing.  They have paying clients they could be spending their time on and instead they are wasting it on her.  I'm assuming if she is now going to have to pay for a lawyer and anything legal related, we will not be stepping instead a courtroom for a long time.  This could also be why she is being so bitch.  

Geez, didn't think I was going to write that much.  

My other news, Matt's brother and his wife found out today that they are expecting a little boy!  His family has our boy and then two little nieces so adding another boy to the mix is going to be lot's of fun.   I'm sure A is going to be ecstatic.  

And...I have an interview Friday!  It's in downtown Boston, literally 8 minutes from my house.  I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high but this would be amazing.  The job is somewhat related to what I'm doing now.  I'm not sure on the pay which is my only concern.  I have a bare minimum that I need to make just to survive and I'm hoping it's not below that.  I'm still excited though! 

A few pictures I came across today that just made sense for me, right now, and where I'm at.  That's all. 

The show last night was a success.  I feel like I'm turning into such an old lady, I could barely keep my eyes open, but I perked right up when she started performing.  It was nice to get out and actually be a human being, although just sitting on the couch with my boyfriend is as equally appealing. 

The other morning when I was the train to work, a girl was holding a french bulldog in her lap.  I about died.  

I can't handle the cuteness.

I also decided that this is the type of dog we should get and Matt agrees.  It's a small enough dog to appease the landlord but they are so cute that I will just be smothering it with kisses all day. 

Tomorrow I have an Ikea date.  Matt and I had crazy schedules this week and didn't really get to see each other so we are choosing to spend our time together there.  That's true love.

I think I'm going to change the name of my blog this weekend.  This name seems so depressing.

Until then, Matt and I have recently become obsessed with the show Mad Men.  I wasn't able to watch it when it first started but now we are catching up on demand. 

 

We come home pretty much every night to see if a new episode has been posted.  I wish I worked in an office like this one, mainly for the dress.  I love the time period.

 

and in other randomness I'm going to see Robyn tomorrow in Boston.  My friend Kate had an extra ticket and asked me to tag along.  I really don't know who she is but Kate says she has fun dance music and I can get into that. 

  Should be fun. One more long day of work and then onto a the weekend.

Another frickin' snow day here.  Grumble grumble grumble.  I had the lovely task of driving to court about 45 minutes away from work yesterday.  It took me two hours to get there because the roads were not plowed.  It then took me almost three hours to get home.  I am staying put today and getting caught up on some housework.  Also gives me time to catch up on this ol' thing.

Saturday was Matt's birthday and ice skating went off without a hitch.

Adrian did so good ice skating.  He was really scared for a few days about going but once he saw the rink got more excited.  He held on to the edge of the rink for dear life the first few times but then would skate around holding our holds.  By the end, he was skating by himself.  

We then went and had a nice dinner and came home and crashed.  

Off to go shovel.

Today is my other half's birthday.  He is going to be 26! Last night I surprised him with dinner with friends at one of our favorite vegan restaurants.  

He is having band practice right now but when he gets home we are headed downtown to meet his family.  We are going ice skating at the frog pond at out to dinner in Chinatown.  I'm wicked excited.  I haven't been on ice skates in probably 15 years so I'm a little nervous I'm going to break something but it will be worth it.  

I feel like we are finally starting to find our grove.  

This step-mom gig is hard, as I've talked about before.  I have a really hard time conveying what I want to say because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings and come off as a bitch.  I know there is a parent/child connection that I have not yet experience and will never experience with him.  He is not mine.  As much as that sounds selfish, it just will never be there.  I don't think that is something you can duplicate and since I haven't had my own child, I'm not exactly sure what it feels like. That doesn't mean I don't love him unconditionally as if he wasn't my own though.  I would do anything for him.  I go into mama-bear mode when we are at a playground and somebody is mean to him.  These past few weeks have been really great though.  I miss him during the times that we don't have him.  I feel like we are both finally starting to get one another and he is realizing that I'm not going anywhere.  It's a good feeling. 

As much as I really wish school was over for me, there is an incredibly nerdy part that still enjoys going.  I even started researching what it would take for me to get my bachelor's degree today.

I'm putting myself through school, working while doing so and not accumulating any school loans.  I feel good in that sense but then I look at my peers who are my age or younger and have bachelors degrees.  It makes me feel like I did something wrong.  I looked into transferring to Suffolk and with the 60 credit hours I would need, it would cost me around $40,000 just in tuition.  That doesn't include any books or other fees.  I have such a hard time justifying that to myself.  I was really getting excited and that just deflated all of the excitement I had. Suffolk is a private university so it does cost quite a bit more but it is the only college around that offers a bachelors in legal studies.

Decisions, decisions.  On one hand I just want to be satisfied with my associates and just be done.  Get my degree, get married, have some babies and enjoy life. I still have probably another year left of school though so these thoughts can wait for a little while more.  Hopefully before then, I will have a new job where I'll be happy and things will all be okay.