I took my last final last night and school is over until January. That is one stress off of my plate.

These last few days have torn me up and it's really hard for me to get excited about Christmas this year. I'm not spending it with my family , along with all of the stress leading up to it just makes me want to sleep until it's over. I really hate feeling this way and tried so hard to get into the spirit. Also knowing that my relationship is on the rocks hurts. We texted a bit last night and I'm going to have the chance to talk to him tonight and I know things will get better. We both have a ton on our plate right now and have gotten thrown into this whirl-wind relationship pretty fast.

I don't know what's next in my life. I wanted 2009 to be an amazing year, and it was but it was also filled with a lot of tears. I'm kind of glad 2010 is right around the corner, a fresh start, time to breath and get ready for even more insanity that lies ahead.

I've decided to start back up on birth control again, as much as I hate to do it. It really levels my hormones out and I'm sick of being all over the place. This past month I've felt like I've been pmsing non-stop. I know guys don't understand it and it's hard to explain how you go from wanting to rip someones head off, to crying, to perfectly happy all in the span of 5 minutes. I also need to start getting over my trust issues, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that. I fear that he will leave me, I fear that everyone will leave me, which after both of your 'fathers' don't want anything to do with you it's pretty hard not to have that fear. All the experts say I need to forgive them so I can move on, but I'll never forgive them. I try to forget and pretend that everything is fine in my life but there will always be that hole.

::sigh::

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn difficult. Matt and I were great and one thing is ruining it, another girl.

He went on an interview at this girls store about 2 months ago. She thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, talked him up to people above them and continues to talk to him. Mind you, he was also told that this girl had a reputation of being a whore. She's the one who invited him to her Thanksgiving party for friends, she's the one who texted him asking for a picture to show her friends 'his stretched ears', she's the one who invited us over for a holiday party and then proceeded to kiss him on the cheek when we left. GUESS WHAT? I don't trust the bitch. She's married and investing way to much time in my boyfriend, something is not right and I've had this gut feeling something is not right since the beginning. I haven't been able to eat, Matt and I got in a huge fight and he pretty much told me that if I don't accept him being friends with these people than I should break up with him.

In my heart I know I'm not the girl that cares if he has 'girl' friends. He has other girl friends that I don't care if he talks with or hangs out with, but this one...something about her. I've had this happen personally in my life twice, and it ended badly both times. Also, one of the women was married so her being married has no bearing on what she is capable of.

I have finals today, I'm a wreck, I don't know what to do. I want to be able to not think about it and just let them be friends. Nikki gave me some good advice to just ride it out and see what happens but I'm afraid. The girl he's going to be working with all the time also texts him and calls him but I don't get any 'I want him' vibes from her.

I love him so much and to think that he would throw this away to be friends with her also eats me up. I don't know if he was just saying that because he was pissed anyways, I don't know.

Still haven't seen Matt and it is absolutely killing me. I know that's pathetic and I never really understood people who missed their significant others while they were gone but I GET IT now.

We had a lovely phone 'discussion' and then I clarified tonight some things I had been feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn't planning things with work as a way to distance himself from me. He was taken aback by this and told me in no way shape or form was that the case. This week just got to be crazy scheduling wise.

I get to see him tomorrow night if all goes as planned and I can't wait to smother him with kisses.

Got a lot of my Christmas present shopping done today. Bought my nieces some unique fun gifts, wish I could be there when they opened them :(

Last week of school before finals, have another meeting with the lawyer, a doctors appointment and potentially NYC on Saturday. Can't believe this year is almost over and I'm also 23. Eek!

In order to not say really mean things to a certain person I love, I'm going to vent here. Cute boy and I have been getting along swimmingly. Things were good, busy, hectic, but good. I try my hardest to spend quality time with him and admittedly it was usually at least 5 nights a week.

This week I've seen him once, and that was at 11 o'clock at night, right before I had to go to bed.

I'm frustrated, pmsing, hurt and angry.

On Sunday night we talked about going over to Nicoles house for a vegan potluck for Snak. We had these plans for about 3 weeks. Matt gets an e-mail shortly after from one of his co-workers (at another store-whom I think has a crush on him) that she is having an after Thanksgiving party. Higher ups were going to be there so he felt that it was important for him to go. Fine, go.

Monday he worked in Brighton, literally 10 minutes from my house. He was supposed to get off of work at 10, called me at 10:45 saying he was just leaving. Guess he had to tie up some loose ends.

Tuesday...I had a date night with Heather scheduled so I didn't see him. He had a man-date with his friend.

Wednesday I felt like I got hit by a bus because of my cold. I had been texting Matt throughout the day and agreed to go to his house at 8, when he would be getting home from work. He called me later saying that he agreed to drive something up to the Medford store from Providence. That means he drives literally 5 minutes from my apartment. I texted him and asked him if he would come snuggle after he was done just for a few and maybe bring me something hot to eat, i.e. soup. He said he didn't know if he had enough money for gas and food. I said forget about it, don't even come if you don't have gas. So he didn't. Secretly I just wished he would of. I know if he was sick I would do everything I could to help him feel better.

Thursday we made plans with John and Nicole to go see the Christmas lights display they have at Stoneham zoo. I thought Adrian would really enjoy it and we would get to hang out, just have fun. He called me in the middle of the day saying someone wanted to switch shifts with him so he would now be opening tomorrow, meaning he has to get up really early so he can't go out. I had to cancel the plans with John and Nicole and not see him for another night.

Friday, today. I'm babysitting until around 9 pm. I asked him if I could come over after because I really want to see him. He said sure but he's probably just going to go to bed. I asked him so when I come over you are just going to go to bed. He said yeah. At this point my head exploded. That's what you say to me?!?!? Couldn't you have just pretended you were really excited to see me and couldn't wait?!?!!? So fuck that, I think I'm going to go drink wine with Nicole.

Won't see him Saturday because I'm busy all day and babysitting tomorrow night. Sunday he has work and then needs to screenprint. I said maybe I'll come 'help' you screenprint and he said no because his friend Tom is coming over to see how it's done. Well fuck me. You tell me when you want to hang out next becomes I'm spent.

Again...still pmsing. Also found out today that I might have a cyst which I'm not too worried about but it would be nice to see my boyfriend. ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH.

I hate playing games but I'm about ready to become an ice queen and too busy to see him next week.

This weekend included the fun filled task of getting the Christmas tree! Growing up picking out the correct tree was also a process. We would hike into the woods and wouldn't leave until the perfect tree was found. While this seems fun, it usually ended in someone being upset and all of us with frozen toes.

This year was different. It was rainy and gross out so we walked into home depot and picked out the first tree was saw. It was already wrapped so we were hoping when we got home that it didn't have any gaping holes. We set it up, put some lights on, threw Batman on top instead of a star and it looks great. Adrian was ecstatic,which is the best part of the whole thing. We did have one mishap though, when Matt and I were tying it to my car we tied it with my doors closed so we tied ourselves out. We had to climb through the windows which was an interesting experience.

2 more crazy weeks and then I'll have a nice little break. This week is busy, next week is busy, then finals and I'm DONE.

Thanksgiving eve. It's still tough being so far away from family for holidays. I'm spending Thanksgiving this year with Matt's family. His two brothers, their wives, his sister, parents and two nieces. I think that's it, who knows who will show up.

I see everybody saying what they are thankful for and it's always family, friends and health. My family means more to me than they will probably ever realize. I know I can count on them for anything. Same goes for my friends. They are my family over here.

I need this break, from school...work...life.

This week has been flying by. Tomorrow is Friday, I'm still not caught up with last weekend.

On Friday Matt had to work and his parents were in Vegas so I offered to hang out with Adrian for the day. We went to the aquarium, rode the subway, bought a 'penguin' to hatch, watched a movie together and sat in traffic. I also lost the key to Matt's apartment in my car somewhere during this time and had a momentary freak out, but maintenance let me in and cut a new key. Kate went with us to the aquarium, had a fun time hanging out.




On Saturday the three of us went up to Rockport to go to Halibut Point State Park. The boys had fun throwing rocks in the quarry and I think I had 479 heart attacks thinking Adrian was going to fall in. We also played on the ocean rocks, Matt got himself soaked when he was standing on one rock and a wave came in. No photo proof because I was laughing my ass off.









Agenda for this weekend: Relax, thrift store shop, Matt's brothers birthday, Relax. We'll see how that goes.

We've only been dating for around 2 months and I can already tell that this relationship is so much different than my last, or any of all those other dates I've been on.

We were laying in bed last night and watching some documentary about truck drivers and he just breaks out into his truck driver accent and starts making out with me. It continued for a good 15 minutes and my sides were hurting from laughing so hard.

Life is going incredibly well right now and I am a lucky lucky girl.

California was fun...it was nice to see that side of the coast again, to watch the sunset over the ocean. I miss that so much. Plus the palm trees, ohhhh, the palm trees. But I also remember why I left, everything looks the same..beige and boring.

'

I had a good time hanging out with Heathers friends. We drove around LA in Trudy, the awesome car, went to the beach, In and Out, had the Halloween party, dug through the Goodwill in downtown, ate the most amazing donuts, and laughed. It was a nice weekend away. Plus the weather.......sigh.


For the Halloween party, I went dressed up as Octo-Mom! It was amazing, if I can say that. Being in a relationship at a party without that person is interesting and not as fun. I stayed and chatted with the other girls in the same situation, yet still managed to get hit on by 'actors'. It was pretty funny and just showed me how image and status are what it's all about in this town.



Then it was time to come home and back to the real world. Also back home to THIS....



That is Dan Aykroyd and I have fallen madly in love with this little lump of fur. He bounces and jumps to greet me when I get home, snuggles in my lap and cuddles with my back. He's just the best!

Sitting close to downtown LA right now, still on Boston time, enjoying some coffee while everyone else is sleeping. Heather and I flew out for the weekend to attend a Halloween party with her friends. Yesterday we went and got breakfast, drove around looking for plastic babies, saw cardboard couches, saw Snak, drove around dead ends and saw amazing skyline scenery, and had wig parties while dancing in the kitchen.

I bought the cutest little instant camera that I have a feeling is going to be draining my bank account. Film for that little sucker is expensive but SO CUTE. Can't wait to scan the pictures.

This weather is making me very sad and just wanting to crawl into bed and not move. There was snow yesterday in Mass..WAY to early. I took a mental health day yesterday, clear my head, get caught up, relax. It was the first time since I've been going to school that I missed a day and I hated it. Heather borrowed my car though and walking to the train in 30 degree weather when I'm getting sick just didn't sound appealing.

Had some insane drama over the weekend. Let's just say when your friend doesn't like your boyfriend, shit will usually hit the fan. I think that drama is over though and hopefully people will actually get to know him before they write him off. Things in that department are good though, couldn't ask for anything more right now.

Wednesday night Kate, Heather and I went and got treated to this.

Dean Mans Bones. Amazing! The album is perfect for fall, spooky yet inspiring. He had a kids choir with him as well and they made the show even better. Boston was their first show ever and seeing Ryan Gosling in person was nicceee.

Working today, tonight Nicole and I are getting our party on and tomorrow will be a nice relaxing day...carving pumpkins with Matt and the boy, baking apple treats and watching movies under blankies. I'm so excited.

October, holy fucking christ. This year can slow down anytime. This is my favorite month and my favorite time of year though so I’m trying to enjoy every single minute of it.

Apply picking with the boys went remarkable well. Matt’s son is adorable and very much a three year old. He was very well behaved until it came to testing out Ikea couches and then he was all over the place. That’s to be expected though. Jumping on couches that do not belong to me is also really tempting.



I brought Matt out to meet John and Nicole this past week, I needed some more opinions besides heathers. It was a quick visit and I think it went well. I’ve never brought a guy out to meet my friends that they didn’t already know so I was a little nervous. We are not official yet, don’t know exactly when or really care when that will be but I’d say we are dating and having a snuggle partner in time for the winter is awesome.

Today is heathers birthday so debauchery I’m sure will be done. We are going to go ride bikes (of course) and bar hop, with a stop off at the other side café to get some vegan chocolate cake. Dora and I are also making her vegan chocolate cupcakes, you can never have too much of that.

Weekend is busy, more apple picking, taking the little boy to his first movie ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) hopefully that is succesfull, more movies with other friends and lots of homework. Joy.

Can't get enough of her album. It's been on repeat for weeks now.


Sitting here procrastinating starting my homework. I have a pumpkin candle burning, iced coffee and Converge on. Ready to get down into some Family Law.

The boy and I are going apple picking tomorrow. Finally going to take some pictures. I feel like I haven't used my camera in forever. I'm also meeting his son. Dun Dun DUN.

I can’t believe fall is already here and it’s the middle of September. This is my favorite season and I hope I can drag it out as long as possible before the dreaded winter hits. School started two weeks ago and I have a feeling it’s going to keep me fairly busy this semester, along with boys. And friends. And work. After the whole fallout with the last boy I decided to join a dating website.



In my whole entire life, I never would have though I would be one to do that but fuck it, I did.
I was running out of boys to date in my circle, school doesn’t have the greatest selection and when I do go out im usually to nervous to talk to them. Anyways- I got quite a few messages from guys interested but none of them really did anything for me. Then about 3 days later this guy messaged me. He had tattoos, plugs, right up my alley. We met last Monday, talked at his apartment for a good 4 hours. He has a son which puts a whole new spin on things but I don’t want to discredit him just for that. Our second date, if you want to call it that, we went bowling, out to the other side café for some vegan food and then sat in a parking lot and talked for over an hour. I’m liking this guy. He’s funny and loud which I need but also very thoughtful and considerate which is something I’m not used to. I’m only thinking about the future ever so slightly, but for now I’m enjoying what is going on in the present. I believe things happen for a reason and maybe those 15 bad dates were getting me ready for this one. And if this one doesn’t work out….I really am becoming a crazy cat lady.

Dating! It is so much fun but so confusing. Things were going especially well with the boy, we spent a week together and it was awesome.

Then my mom came and he went to Vermont for the week. I said something joking to him and the joke went to far and I ended up saying things I did mean, but probably shouldn't have said to him. I was tore up the whole week about it. He came back from Vermont and we saw each other that night to talk about it. We talked it over, I explained myself, he explained what he was thinking and everything was good. I stayed there until 4 in the morning and then drove home. I also stayed over the next night. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday he wouldn't really talk to me. I invited him to come hang out....but he didn't want to. No big deal.

I texted him yesterday (thursday) to see how he was. I asked what he was doing that night and he said staying in because he was heading to Nova Scotia tomorrow with this girl friend of his.

????????

I was fine with that, but it almost seems to me like he is trying to piss me off and make me say crazy shit. We texted some more and I told him to let me know when he wants to hang out again because inviting him on all these hangouts only to be rejected is hurting my ego. I meant this in a totally lighthearted way but realized after I said it that he might take it the wrong way. Just like the last time. And he did, and he told me that I must be riding a ten speed bike with all of this backpeddling I'm doing. At that point I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I refrained.

I gently explained that I don't lie, it was a joke and he could make of it what he wanted. I also asked him if I did something this week that I am unaware of. Haven't heard anything back and at this point I'm so done. Done Done Done.

To celebrate this joyous occasion, Heather and I bought some big beers and headed to Dora's house for some chocolate eating, drinking and bitching about boys. It did the trick. I had a blast.

I'm also done being the pursuer in boys for awhile. They can come after me if they want it.
PHEW.

What a week. Last Saturday was my date and suffice to say it was amazing. The boy is amazing, we click, laugh, and I can't wait to see where it goes. We've hung out a few more times and will spend tomorrow together.

Delaware was fun, I always wish I could stay longer. Micah is getting cuter and cuter and I loved playing with him. That age is so fun. Of course it was nice to see Erika too ;).

Today I am meeting up with Nicole, Nikki and little Lucas. We are going shopping, I am getting tattooed, Nikki is babysitting with me and then hopefully the three of us are going to the club. I hope it happens!

And on Sunday my Mom comes....I'm so excited!

Summer needs to seriously slow down. It's already almost two weeks into August, ahhh!

Germany was amazing. There really are no words to describe how much I love Europe. I'll make a big post about that later.

For now, I've just been riding my bike and going on dates. Judd was back in town last weekend and we went out to see Doomriders. He stayed the night, we kissed and cuddled and then went to Autozone in the morning. My dates are so romantic. I don't know what's going on there.

I also have a date tomorrow with a boy I've never met. Heather set it up but Nicoles knows him as well. I'm excited! He asked if I wanted to help him move a tv to Maine and while there we are going to mini-golf, get some ice cream, play on the beach and look around. I think the house up there is empty and it also has a pool so who knows what will happen. I'm going to play it by 'year'.

I'm ready for school to start though, back to a normal schedule which my brain will enjoy.

I don't know when I got it into my head that whitewater rafting sound fun. I guess I just didn't think it would be that scary, just kind of floating along the river and encountering some little rapids. I was wrong. Heather told us to go to the Penobscot in Maine because all of the other rivers were 'boring'. That should have been our first clue that this trip would be nuts.

Heather had to go and get lyme disease the day before we left so she wasn't able to come with us :( We got to the rafting place bright and early at 7 am. There was this group of dirty old men that were there too and Kate and I kept joking about how we would probably get stuck with them. Out of the 150 people that went rafting that day, we got stuck with them. Ha! Just our luck.



It was actually probably the best thing that could have happened. These 6 guys were there for a bachelor party. They were crude, rude, tattooed and we all had a blast. We had an awesome chick guide named Jamie who fit right in as well.

We dropped in at the dam and were told we would be hitting our first class 5 rapid about 10 seconds downstream. Sink or swim time. I can't really explain what it's like to be paddling down a river, go over some water and look like your falling into a hole of water. It's awesome but scary and gets the adrenaline pumping. I paddled like crazy because there was no fucking way I was falling out of that boat. We hit more class 5 rapids, a waterfall and I didn't fall out once. We even surfed the rapids which was also a blast. I definitely want to go again.

The rest of camping was fun. Kate and I were so dead tired after rafting that we just ate some s'mores, had a beer, did some light painting and headed to bed.



We woke up Sunday, made pancakes and headed to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. That place attracts the trashiest people, it's awesome. I want to go there and just people watch. We ate seafood, had a few beers (shocker) and headed home.



Last night I went on a double date! It was the Stanchis and then Jeremy and I. We wanted to see the Sail Boston boats that came into town but only managed to see one. Right as we got to the pier to see it, it started leaving. Haha. So we went to the Barking Crab for some appetizers and headed over to see Bruno. That movie had me in stitches. Okay, got to get stuff done. 5 more days until Germany.

I've come to realize the past few weeks that I am most certainly a person who needs a schedule. This schedule can and should have moments of spontaneity, but there needs to be somewhat of a routine.

This summer there has been no schedule. Because of that I feel like my life is still spinning out of control. I feel like I'm forgetting to pay bills (I'm not) and get caught up on any sort of project. This week I have been slowly getting caught up on just little shit that has needed to get done. This also means that my summer has been extremely busy which is a good thing. I've been doing a lot of things at night, hanging out with friends and laughing.

This past Saturday was the fourth of July so Kate, Michael and I went to Alysons apartment in East Boston. There are pictures but I think I look like hell in all of them. I'm anxiously awaiting for Kate to put them up. I drank way to much vodka, ate some little hamburger cupcakes, watched the Boston fireworks from the roof deck, listened to impromptu guitar songs and helped clean up a broken smashed back window. It was one of the more memorable fourths I've had in a long time.

This weekend I'm headed up to Maine to camp, roast marshmellows, white water raft (!!!) and have more laughs with friends.

I haven't even started writing this post and I'm getting teary eyed. It's been an emotional day, even more emotional for me I think then when my blood nieces and nephews were born. I think it's just a different relationship with Nicole.

I consider Nicole one of my best friends but more than that. Everything is not always rainbows and butterflies with us which makes us more like sisters. We have been through a lot and at times I've wanted to strangle her, haha. I'm sure she's wanted to do the same. But we get through it and we still continue on. I love her like my sister and seeing her becoming a mom today was wild.

Got the call last night that her water broke and headed to the hospital a few hours later. We were told it was going to be 10 to 20 hours, I didn't believe them and was going to wait it out. At like 2 o'clock in the morning we all decided to head home, get a few hours of sleep and head back. I woke up at 7 and headed back to the hospital. Little did I know that 30 minutes after I arrived she would have the baby. We didn't find out until about an hour and half later.



John finally came out and told us all that a little Lucas Matthew was born. I was shocked, I thought all along it was a little girl. The family is so equipped for boys though and I can't imagine a little boy that wouldn't dream of growing up in a skate park.

Nicole looked amazing when I saw her, like she was on cloud nine. Didn't even seem like she just pushed a baby out!



I'm heading back up tomorrow to see them and visit a little longer. I'm so proud of Nicole and so excited for her and John and honored to be a part of this. I hope this little boy is ready for a life filled with crazy friends and family.