I kept myself pretty busy this weekend yet still had some down time. It was nice. On Friday I met up with my friend Brit who had started dating her boyfriend when Matt and I started dating. I sent her a message after Matt and I broke up and come to find out, her boyfriend did the same thing to her. We went out to a Hookah lounge in Providence and talked the rest of the night away. It was nice to be with someone going through pretty much the exact same situation, giving each other advice, while bitching about how stupid these dudes are.

Saturday morning I went chair hunting with Nicole, unsuccessfully. We will keep trying though! Saturday night Heather wanted me to go to dinner and get drinks with some director and film guys she is friends with. I didn't want to because I'm really into wanting to be a hermit but I agreed. We went and had pizza and then went for drinks. I really didn't drink but they did which provided some entertainment for me, along with the cover band that had me laughing so hard it hurt.


Sunday I met Kate and Michael, went and grabbed lunch and to the movies. I told them the situation with Matt and I and even they didn't know what they would do. Nobody wants to see me get hurt again, neither do I. I feel what I'm doing is right though, except we did forget to talk about something on Thursday. When couples go on 'breaks' that usually means the people can go hook-up with other people with no problem. I needed to clear this over with Matt because this was not happening. I called him last night to clear this up....I was afraid he was going to disagree, I don't know why, that is not the type of person he is. He just said obviously and kind of chuckled about it. Just said I needed to make sure and then we talked about the weekend and work. Getting my haircut this Saturday along with a girls night, now I just need to make it through the week.


Source

I had yesterday off of work so I sat in my room cleaning the whole day and going over what I was going to say to Matt. I rehearsed it, didn't cry, knew what I was going to say. I felt like I needed to tell him how I was feeling, go with my heart. My brain and heart having been telling me two different things this week and the heart won.

The talk almost didn't go down but after driving to Braintree, back to Boston and then back to Matt's apartment, it did. I just threw it out there that after thinking this week I love him too much to just let him go so easy. I'm willing to work on the things I can, support him while he gets help and start re-building. I needed to know if he was willing to do that or if I needed to be out of his life.

He said he's willing to work on things and he wants to be with me he just knows that he can be a better boyfriend and wants to make sure that happens first. We are still going to be taking time apart and have some space, but still keep in contact with each other. He asked when school is out this year and I said May. He wants May to potentially be the point where we can really start going ahead with things again. Then we just continued to talk for 2 hours about life and how we have both been miserable for the past week.

I'm optimistic that things will turn around and we can start an even better relationship. I asked if maybe next weekend I could come over and we could cook dinner with the boy and he agreed. Definitely taking things slow but I might actually be able to sleep at night now.

Today has been tough. Got to work and got slammed with running out again to get my boss Starbucks, a sick baby, having to deal with a playdate and know a baby won't sleep. Plus I'm seeing Matt tomorrow. I have money to give him from some screenprint jobs he is doing for me.

I just want to talk to him so bad. To see if we could start over, do things different. I realized this week that doing so much for him actually pushed him away, wish he would have told me that sooner because I would have stopped. I also think we spent too much time together. The only time I had to myself was when I was doing homework. I should have continued going out with friends on Friday night or doing something for myself Saturday. I want to talk but I'm afraid he's already done, and in other ways I just wish I could be done.

Matt called me last night to tell me the news he had found out about his taxes. While I was happy he called, it also stung a little bit. He sounded happy, like nothing was wrong, while my heart just sank. I texted him later that night saying while I want to support him in any way I can, I also need to think of myself. I asked him if he thought there would be a future for us because if not, I needed to take some time and not be communicating with him. He said he wouldn't be opposed to that and space really can heal pain. He also said he doesn't know what the future holds unfortunately. So for now, for my feelings and for me to really move on I can't talk to him.

Who does know what the future holds but it isn't fair to me to be communicating with him holding on to that one thought that maybe we would get back together someday. This relationship is over. I need to accept that, as much as it hurts, and move on. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get back to normal and I'll probably still have moments where it just hurts but that's okay.

I miss him, intensely. I just want to call him to hear his voice or see him and get a hug. I've never felt this way before and I never want to feel this way again. My chest hurts, sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want to go to sleep and wake up 2 months from now.

I can't sleep, tonight was rough. I'm emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted but my brain won't shut off. The talk with Matt was hard but it was needed, I actually feel a tiny bit better.

When I first got there I handed him the bag of clothes and toys I had been getting A for Valentine's Day. I can't think about him without crying, so I don't. We then hugged and cried, it was so nice hugging him again.

He isn't happy with himself, or the way he is acting right now. He feels like he has put to much pressure on my to do things..i.e. take A to his Mom's house on Sunday. I've never really told him before but I like that time with A. When it's just us two in my car, telling ridiculous knock knock jokes to each other until we are both laughing so hard or playing I-Spy (even though I've explained to him 100 times it's so hard to play I-Spy in a car going 70 mph :p). He wants to get back to being as self reliant as he was before he met me and I can understand that.

He said this wasn't the end. He just needs some time to get better himself so he can be the boyfriend he wants to be. That doesn't mean I'm getting my hopes up that we will ever get back together. I'm going to take it one day at a time, I'll be there for him when he needs me while he will do the same. If things progress and we want to give it another shot then we will. If not, I hope we can be friends. To make things not as confusing for A, I'm just going to not be around for a few weeks and then we will all go to dinner or something. That way he knows I'm still here and I love him.

Going out dancing tonight, hoping it gets my mind off of things...I know it will. If nothing else Nicole and I can sit at the bar at people watch.

So this is what it feels like to get broken up with. 3 days before Valentine's day, when everything around me is all about love, hearts, kisses and bullshit. He was honestly my first love and now here I am. I got involved with someone who had a 3 year old, I opened myself up for the both of them. Loved them until it hurt, and now I've lost both in the same day.

I set my alarm extra early this morning so I could text him something cute before he went into work. At the exact same moment I sent my text, I got one from him. Pretty much said we need to talk, I've been thinking. I called him, I was going to wait until tonight to talk but I knew what was coming. I didn't want to have that pukey feeling all day, I'd rather know. He just said he's not happy, with himself. I'm doing everything right but he needs to work on himself before he is in a relationship. I understand where he's coming from, but it still doesn't make it easier. He said he still loves me, and I obviously still love him. Feelings just don't go away in a day. I'm meeting him tonight so we can talk in person and then life goes on.

Guess I spoke to soon about everything being okay with Matt.

We were texting back and forth yesterday morning after our normal wake up texts. I told him, just to let you know, Nicole and I are planning on going dancing Friday. Now normally when I tell him I'm going to do something with the girls he says, great, have fun! This time he just wrote back okay. This is also the first week that he has Friday and Saturday off so I texted him asking if he had any plans for us. He said nope. At that point I started to feel bad so I asked if he minded if I went.I should have just dropped it, but my feelings took over. He responded with I don't mind if you go. Do what you want. Was probably just going to sit home anyways.

This is when I thought, hmm...he doesn't want me to go. I over-analyzing everything, so I said I can go another weekend, I know you have Friday off. And then he blew up. Omg Heather! Just go!! I'm not a baby! I can handle being alone!!! That pretty much ended our conversation for the day. I was just trying to take his feelings into account, I know he can handle being alone but again, this was the first Friday and Saturday he's had off. I left it alone but texted him a few hours later saying that I was meeting with the Dean of my college tomorrow to talk about one of my Professors, and nothing. Not even an I hope it goes well.

I went to dinner last night with Kate and throughout dinner we were talking about it and I got my hopes up that he was going to call or text. 2 hours we sat there and still nothing. Came home, started painting that damn desk again, maybe he'll text me goodnight. Nope. Once again, going to bed with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't texted him since and don't plan on contacting him until he contacts me.

I don't know if he's going through something and just doesn't want to share. It's now day three of not really talking and it's all I think about. I've been crying all day, yesterday, last night, at the restaurant. I do so much for him and the boy. I love him more than I have loved anybody else in my life excluding my family. I'm just feeling very un-appreciated and un-wanted right now and I can't live like that. I realize people get depressed and in funks but you can't just not talk to your girlfriend for three days, because now I think it's all my fault when I really didn't do anything wrong. I need a little text during the day saying, hey hope your day is going well! or miss you! Something that lets me know that he actually is thinking about me. Eventually when I do talk to him I'm going to lay it out and if things don't change then I need to re-evaluate if this is the right thing for me.

So now the waiting begins, I'm not getting my hopes up for talking to him today.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on here is bitch. I feel like that is what a blog is good for though, bitching on it when I really don't want to bitch at other people. Getting my feelings out when I can't talk.

I know I pretty much only talk bad about Matt on here but he obviously is awesome or else I still wouldn't be with him. I just feel like we got thrown into this crazy relationship and have to work through it more so than other relationships. It's not easy going from being single to being a girlfriend and a 'step-mom'. That little boy puts this relationship into it's own category and while we don't ever fight about him, we always have to think about what we are doing and how it will affect him.

I talked with him yesterday and I was right, he just needed space. I didn't really feel like I was smothering him considering I had only seen him for Friday night and Saturday morning, but that's his deal. His work has been stressful lately, he's worried about money and his car is giving him problems. Add me in the that equation and I think he just shut down. So stepping back for awhile, not going to text as much or stay over. The texting is hard though because when I'm at work I have nothing else to do but just think and text. Maybe I need to start leaving my phone in the car or something, and switching gears.

Found this website today and the drawings are cracking me up. These are from Married to the Sea.

Sitting here typing as I'm waiting for paint to dry on my desk, got a itch to paint it today. $37 later (!!!)....the cats are also helping me, so I'm sure my bright green desk with have black cat hairs speckled throughout. Oh well.

The last few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm getting into somewhat of a routine with working 4 days a week and school 5 days a week. Still meeting with the criminal defense attorney, drafted up a few letters for him. Hopefully this Friday I will be meeting with an organization here in Boston, I think it might become a weekly thing and I'm very very excited for the opportunity.

Matt and I are doing okay. I'm starting to realize maybe I am spending and dedicating to much time to him. It's so hard because I love spending time with him and the boy but I also need to focus on me and what I need to do. His apartment has heat and cable which is so very tempting during these winter months. Today he told me that me being there without him makes him feel anxious and that he needs to rush home. I tried explaining to him that I really don't mind when he's not there and I've never told him he needed to rush home and see me. I don't mind being there without him. I understand he needs to do things, but he still feels anxious so I'm going to back off a bit. Hence why I'm painting today.

I did get tattooed Friday, the sleeve is a few more sittings away from being done. Yay! I think I've been working on it for 3 years now, I'm ready for it to be DONE. Already have my plans for the next sleeve and my ribs and feet, if only I was a millionaire.

(Thanks for the feedback on the last post. I don't know who you guys are but I do appreciate it, especially from an outsiders perspective, so thanks!)

I think it’s time for me to set up an appointment to talk to a counselor. This has always had a stigma to me, like whoever needs to talk to somebody must be a little nuts in the head. I’ve become that person and while it’s a hard pill to swallow I really hope it helps. Events in my life have made me who I am today and while I wouldn’t change that for anything, I thought just suppressing issues and not dealing with them was the way to get by. I’ve found it isn’t and it’s now causing problems as I try and build a relationship with someone I love.

I got off work last night, happy, ready to go see Matt. I brought stuff to stay over at his house so I didn’t even have to drive through Boston. Just jumped on Storrow and on to 93. As I was in the tunnel I called him a few times to make sure he was home, I didn’t want to be waiting outside his apartment for hours. He called me back a few minutes later said yes he was home and he had some news! Apparently before talking with me he was on the phone with Darcy. Darcy is his best friend, he’s known her for 8 years. She has a rare bone marrow cancer and has been in and out of the hospital. They haven’t talked for a good months and he wasn’t quite sure why, but he chalked it up to she just needed some time. Coincidentally, he got tattooed yesterday by Zane…who happens to be Darcys ex-boyfriend. They are living together right now and according to Zane are together but according to Darcy they are not. Anyways- Darcy wants to move out of Zane's apartment and move on with her life. Matt does live with a roommate but that also has a backstory-long story short the roommate though his job was going to be moved and hasn’t yet, so he is still working in Providence. Matt gets this novel idea to see if Jay wants to potentially live somewhere else and have Darcy move in.

He told me this on the phone and it hit me like a ton on bricks. I instantly got an upset stomach. Would a normal person react this way or just me? Matt told me he has never been attracted to Darcy, just wants to help a friend out in a time of need. After getting over the initial shock I tried to pin point exactly why I got so upset. All of my life I have been hurt by the people I’ve trusted the most. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. I’m afraid he is going to find something better, get closer to somebody else and leave me. I just want to be able to get over my trust issues and finally move on in my life. I don’t want to push away and potentially ruin the best thing I have going.

Eep, that last post was such a bummer. It's normal in life to get down and feel like nothing is ever going to go right or things will never change. I have so many good things going on in my life though, and those are the things I need to focus on. I made up some goals that I want to put my energy into, whenever I feel like life is just getting too out of control, I just need to be reminded what I'm reaching for.

-Get my paralegal certificate...assuming nothing drastic happens I will achieve this in May. I was also under the impression that my current nanny job was ending in May but my boss let me know last week that that will not be happening. She said there family can't live without me. That gives me a big relief knowing that I have some time to find a paralegal job or continue on my way to getting my associates.

-Land a paying job in the paralegal field...once I get my certificate I will start looking.

-Learn to knit...I wanted to start last year but really had no time. I have no time right now but maybe during the summer somebody will teach me.

-Take another vacation...this is what keeps me going during the year, knowing that I have tickets booked to a different place. A place to explore new cultures, food, atmospheres, everything. Matt and I have been talking about going to San Francisco during the end of the summer. We want to take A and have also been talking with my family about possibly meeting them down there. San Francisco is one of my favorite cities besides Boston and I know it will be hard to pull Matt and I away from it.

That's it for now. I'm sure I have more, but I don't want to overwhelm myself ;).

Matt and I headed to Vegas last week. What a way to start the New Year. It was nice to get away with Matt away from life, but unfortunately, now we are back and life just dumps more on you.

School starts next week, I have classes everyday along with work 4 days a week and a potential internship one day a week. I'm already feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Throughout the day all that I think about is everything I need to get done and how busy I've made myself. I really have no other choice though. I've told myself I would also be able to financially support myself with whatever comes my way and becoming a paralegal is doing that. Would it be easier to give up? Yes. Do I want to give up? Sometimes. It's just so daunting thinking about the future. Will I get a job in May....I really really hope so.

My car is still broken. I googled the problem today and apparently other Jetta owners have also been experiencing the same thing. They mentioned it could be the brake light switch and come to find out, that was recalled. I have an appointment Thursday and if it doesn't get fixed Thursday I think I might actually strangle somebody. My windshield washer fluid also decided that it doesn't want to come out. It's not blocked, there is plenty of washer fluid in it, it just doesn't spray high enough up. Almost like a hose is disconnected or somethingt, which the people at Midas have also told me. I told Heather today I was having problems with it and she piped in that she put more fluid in it. THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM. You can put as much damn fluid as you want in there, it just pours out of the bottom of the car. She also told me she figured out the parking release issue. Who knew she was a mechanic? She said she found a way to get around it, I don't want a way to get around it. I want the issue fixed. I'm so done with her. Really.

Breathe Breathe Breath.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. REALLLLYYYY. Time can stop now, thank you.

(picture from www.weheartit.com....loving this site!)

Christmas is over. It's amazing how fast it goes, the anticipation building up for the months before and then -bam- it's over.


Matt and I talked things out, he agreed to be more sensitive of my feelings and I agreed to try not to be so crazy. Haha. He told me a story of another new girl that is going to be working with him at the new store who is boy crazy. Apparently she has gotten pretty close to crossing the friend zone line and he had a talk with her about it. He told her that their relationship is going to be purely work based and it wouldn't go beyond that. Makes me feel good that he shared that with me and actually put up those boundaries.

Back to Christmas. Christmas Eve we made cookies with Adrian and set them out for Santa and then Matt and I exchanged our gifts with each other. I knew Matt was strapped for cash so I didn't expect much and that didn't bother me. He did get me a few things but the card he got for me did me in. Wasn't the card per say-but what he wrote inside. It said:
Heather, I just wanna say thanks. Thanks for buying me dinner and things I don't need. Thanks for taking care of A. Thanks for being vegetarian. Thanks for sometimes being the big spoon. Thanks for putting up with my shit...even if you don't have family here, you can be happy with me! So smile, I love you! Merry Freakin' Christmas!

And then I cried and melted into a big pile of goo. We went to his parents house for Christmas day, got Grasshopper that night and just hung out.

I took my last final last night and school is over until January. That is one stress off of my plate.

These last few days have torn me up and it's really hard for me to get excited about Christmas this year. I'm not spending it with my family , along with all of the stress leading up to it just makes me want to sleep until it's over. I really hate feeling this way and tried so hard to get into the spirit. Also knowing that my relationship is on the rocks hurts. We texted a bit last night and I'm going to have the chance to talk to him tonight and I know things will get better. We both have a ton on our plate right now and have gotten thrown into this whirl-wind relationship pretty fast.

I don't know what's next in my life. I wanted 2009 to be an amazing year, and it was but it was also filled with a lot of tears. I'm kind of glad 2010 is right around the corner, a fresh start, time to breath and get ready for even more insanity that lies ahead.

I've decided to start back up on birth control again, as much as I hate to do it. It really levels my hormones out and I'm sick of being all over the place. This past month I've felt like I've been pmsing non-stop. I know guys don't understand it and it's hard to explain how you go from wanting to rip someones head off, to crying, to perfectly happy all in the span of 5 minutes. I also need to start getting over my trust issues, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that. I fear that he will leave me, I fear that everyone will leave me, which after both of your 'fathers' don't want anything to do with you it's pretty hard not to have that fear. All the experts say I need to forgive them so I can move on, but I'll never forgive them. I try to forget and pretend that everything is fine in my life but there will always be that hole.

::sigh::

Why does being in a relationship have to be so damn difficult. Matt and I were great and one thing is ruining it, another girl.

He went on an interview at this girls store about 2 months ago. She thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, talked him up to people above them and continues to talk to him. Mind you, he was also told that this girl had a reputation of being a whore. She's the one who invited him to her Thanksgiving party for friends, she's the one who texted him asking for a picture to show her friends 'his stretched ears', she's the one who invited us over for a holiday party and then proceeded to kiss him on the cheek when we left. GUESS WHAT? I don't trust the bitch. She's married and investing way to much time in my boyfriend, something is not right and I've had this gut feeling something is not right since the beginning. I haven't been able to eat, Matt and I got in a huge fight and he pretty much told me that if I don't accept him being friends with these people than I should break up with him.

In my heart I know I'm not the girl that cares if he has 'girl' friends. He has other girl friends that I don't care if he talks with or hangs out with, but this one...something about her. I've had this happen personally in my life twice, and it ended badly both times. Also, one of the women was married so her being married has no bearing on what she is capable of.

I have finals today, I'm a wreck, I don't know what to do. I want to be able to not think about it and just let them be friends. Nikki gave me some good advice to just ride it out and see what happens but I'm afraid. The girl he's going to be working with all the time also texts him and calls him but I don't get any 'I want him' vibes from her.

I love him so much and to think that he would throw this away to be friends with her also eats me up. I don't know if he was just saying that because he was pissed anyways, I don't know.

Still haven't seen Matt and it is absolutely killing me. I know that's pathetic and I never really understood people who missed their significant others while they were gone but I GET IT now.

We had a lovely phone 'discussion' and then I clarified tonight some things I had been feeling. I wanted to make sure he wasn't planning things with work as a way to distance himself from me. He was taken aback by this and told me in no way shape or form was that the case. This week just got to be crazy scheduling wise.

I get to see him tomorrow night if all goes as planned and I can't wait to smother him with kisses.

Got a lot of my Christmas present shopping done today. Bought my nieces some unique fun gifts, wish I could be there when they opened them :(

Last week of school before finals, have another meeting with the lawyer, a doctors appointment and potentially NYC on Saturday. Can't believe this year is almost over and I'm also 23. Eek!

In order to not say really mean things to a certain person I love, I'm going to vent here. Cute boy and I have been getting along swimmingly. Things were good, busy, hectic, but good. I try my hardest to spend quality time with him and admittedly it was usually at least 5 nights a week.

This week I've seen him once, and that was at 11 o'clock at night, right before I had to go to bed.

I'm frustrated, pmsing, hurt and angry.

On Sunday night we talked about going over to Nicoles house for a vegan potluck for Snak. We had these plans for about 3 weeks. Matt gets an e-mail shortly after from one of his co-workers (at another store-whom I think has a crush on him) that she is having an after Thanksgiving party. Higher ups were going to be there so he felt that it was important for him to go. Fine, go.

Monday he worked in Brighton, literally 10 minutes from my house. He was supposed to get off of work at 10, called me at 10:45 saying he was just leaving. Guess he had to tie up some loose ends.

Tuesday...I had a date night with Heather scheduled so I didn't see him. He had a man-date with his friend.

Wednesday I felt like I got hit by a bus because of my cold. I had been texting Matt throughout the day and agreed to go to his house at 8, when he would be getting home from work. He called me later saying that he agreed to drive something up to the Medford store from Providence. That means he drives literally 5 minutes from my apartment. I texted him and asked him if he would come snuggle after he was done just for a few and maybe bring me something hot to eat, i.e. soup. He said he didn't know if he had enough money for gas and food. I said forget about it, don't even come if you don't have gas. So he didn't. Secretly I just wished he would of. I know if he was sick I would do everything I could to help him feel better.

Thursday we made plans with John and Nicole to go see the Christmas lights display they have at Stoneham zoo. I thought Adrian would really enjoy it and we would get to hang out, just have fun. He called me in the middle of the day saying someone wanted to switch shifts with him so he would now be opening tomorrow, meaning he has to get up really early so he can't go out. I had to cancel the plans with John and Nicole and not see him for another night.

Friday, today. I'm babysitting until around 9 pm. I asked him if I could come over after because I really want to see him. He said sure but he's probably just going to go to bed. I asked him so when I come over you are just going to go to bed. He said yeah. At this point my head exploded. That's what you say to me?!?!? Couldn't you have just pretended you were really excited to see me and couldn't wait?!?!!? So fuck that, I think I'm going to go drink wine with Nicole.

Won't see him Saturday because I'm busy all day and babysitting tomorrow night. Sunday he has work and then needs to screenprint. I said maybe I'll come 'help' you screenprint and he said no because his friend Tom is coming over to see how it's done. Well fuck me. You tell me when you want to hang out next becomes I'm spent.

Again...still pmsing. Also found out today that I might have a cyst which I'm not too worried about but it would be nice to see my boyfriend. ARGHHGHGHGHGHGH.

I hate playing games but I'm about ready to become an ice queen and too busy to see him next week.

This weekend included the fun filled task of getting the Christmas tree! Growing up picking out the correct tree was also a process. We would hike into the woods and wouldn't leave until the perfect tree was found. While this seems fun, it usually ended in someone being upset and all of us with frozen toes.

This year was different. It was rainy and gross out so we walked into home depot and picked out the first tree was saw. It was already wrapped so we were hoping when we got home that it didn't have any gaping holes. We set it up, put some lights on, threw Batman on top instead of a star and it looks great. Adrian was ecstatic,which is the best part of the whole thing. We did have one mishap though, when Matt and I were tying it to my car we tied it with my doors closed so we tied ourselves out. We had to climb through the windows which was an interesting experience.

2 more crazy weeks and then I'll have a nice little break. This week is busy, next week is busy, then finals and I'm DONE.