It's getting easier and easier. I'm kind of restless in life right now though. I feel like I need a change. Whether that be apartments or city, I don't know. I don't want him to be the reason I move but I might just need to get away from Boston for a year or so. Or I might not leave at all.

Picture from weheartit.com

I should have known that it wasn't going to be as easy as just sending an email.

After I sent the email I texted my friend that I just wrote Matt a good-bye email and I was tired. :( Because my brain was mush and I was in Matt mode I ended up sending him that text. Ooof. I told him that was meant for a friend, sorry. He said wow, be sure to get me that artwork and have fun with your new boyfriend.

And that's when I flipped my shit. I replied, "you need to stop thinking about yourself for once. You left me with no other option but to say goodbye. You left me hanging. This is all on you. Greg is not nor will he ever be my boyfriend. This isn't about that. This is about you treating me like an asshole. Don't tell me to get you the artwork. I'm doing YOU a favor but fuck that. I'll tell Kevin he should have someone else do it. I was being nice but fuck you Matt."

He said sorry, I'm just sad. I told him I've been sad for two months and he hasn't given two shits....and that was the end of the conversation. Do I feel like I have closure? I'm not entirely sure yet. I'm glad I've finally had a say in this. I've been keeping my mouth shut way too much and I needed to let it out. Will I be contacting him again? No. Will he try and contact me? I have no idea. And if he does I have no idea what I will do. I say I'm done with him but I will always care about him, he was my first love.

I sent Matt an e-mail just now. I needed to say good-bye.

Matt-

I probably shouldn't be writing this e-mail but I need too. I need to share what's on my mind and be done with it.

For some reason I thought going to your apartment last Thursday would be a good idea. I would either get closure on this whole deal or you would have magically decided that you made a huge mistake and wanted me back in your life. Obviously neither of those things happened.

You keep saying that you want to be with me but you can't right now. I don't understand this logic. Either you 100 percent want to be with me and no matter what the circumstances are, will be with me, or you don't. It's unfair to me to be in this position of uncertainty.

This is has been the hardest thing I have gone through. You have hurt me more than I can describe, and yet, I will always care about you. After leaving your apartment Thursday I was numb. As a person who didn't do anything wrong, getting treated like I was a pile of shit was hard to swallow. If one day you wake up and think that you want to be with me and make it work then let me know. I'm not waiting anymore though, I need to move on with my life. I can't just be friends with you, as much as that kills me. It is either all or nothing, so if it never gets back to that point then I can't talk to you.

This is me saying good-bye Matt. The time I spent with you and the boy will never be forgotten. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, whatever that may be.

-Heather

I've been thinking about Matt a lot this week. I don't necessarily know why, because apparently I love to make myself feel like a bag of shit.

I ended up texting Matt yesterday and went to his house for dinner. I don't even want to talk about what was said because it was the same old shit he's been saying forever. Wants to be with but can't. I'm so fucking tired of hearing it.

He learned that Greg was sharing a room with me and turned into a total dickbag. He said if there was even a glimmer of us getting back together it's now ruined by him. Excuse me? You and I are not dating therefore you really have no say what I'm doing. ALSO, as much as I had a crush on Greg things are just not going to go down that road which I'm perfectly fine with. Us sleeping in the same bed does not equal we have sex. I left his apartment, stormed out. I have done nothing wrong yet I still can't let go of the douchebag.

I'm tired. I was doing so well but I've never felt like I've gotten closure. I still don't feel like I have closure.

What I want to do this summer (in no particular order)

















-Whitewater rafting
-Weekend trip to NYC
-A camping trip
-Whale watching
-Spain
-Maine/Acadia National Park
-Paintballing
-Red Sox Game


All photos from weheartit.com

Lot's to catch up on!

Greg came up on Wednesday (Thursday?) night to hang out and chat more about him crashing here. We went and grabbed dinner and it was decided that he was going to move in. We came back, watched Lost for a bit and then when I was getting tired we cuddled. While cuddling he told me to turn around to hug him, which I did, and then he kissed me. We kissed for a bit more and the topic of me liking him came up. He said he thought I was attractive and liked me too but didn't want to be in a relationship right now and would be a shitty boyfriend. At that point I kind of said meh in my head. I'm not going to put anymore effort into it if that's how he feels. Been there/done that. Doesn't mean I still won't cuddling, that never killed anybody. He met Heather that night and instantly started me asking all kinds of questions about her and why I'm skeptical of her now. He seemed very intrigued by her and being a dude I'm sure he wants to get to know her better to make me jealous, but it won't, I just might think he's an idiot.

Friday we went to the Celtics game. We sat in the nosebleeds, drank a way overpriced beer and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Came home and crashed.

Saturday I helped him move stuff from his apartment in Providence to a storage unit down the street. We stopped at Brit's apartment after and drove around for a good three hours singing terribly out of tune and way too loud. I love days like that. Came back to Boston and rode with Greg to Cambridge to get some ice cream. Once we got back to the apartment again, Heather invited us back out for another bike ride. I declined, just because I don't enjoy the company she rides with, but told Greg to go for it. He asked if I would be made if I went. I told him of course not, and I'm really not. I think it's great for him to go out and meet new people in Boston. Just because I have a not so great opinion about these people doesn't mean I'm going to be angry if he hangs out with them. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions.

I went out with Jasmine and Chad, some people I met when I was tanked with Justin on St. Patty's Day. We had a few drinks at the Model. It's always nice to get out and meet new people, dance a little bit and tell entirely too much information about yourself in one night. Chad wants to take me on a Q'doba date and while I don't necessarily see myself dating him, I would be stupid to pass up a quesadilla.

Today was spent on the Cape and at a beach. I don't think of a better way to spend Easter. I went with Justin, we flew a kite, dipped my toes in the freezing ocean, walked along the beach and talked about boys, girls and how we are all stupid.









Drinking a corona and getting ready for the upcoming week. Lot's of hangouts with friends, a tattoo appointment and a girls night. It should be fun :)

I love that life throws you unexpected things your way, at least when those things could potentially be good.

Justin and I went to the movies last night and after the movie I turn my phone on to see a text from Greg that says I'm fucked. I asked him why and he said that his roommate is moving out and he has to be out of his apartment by the 10th and has nowhere to go. This is the part where a normal person would respond that sucks, but not me. NO, not me. I responded with if you need a place to crash, feel free to crash at my place. We talked back and forth for a bit and he might actually do it! He also asked if I cuddled, ohhhh, I cuddle alright.

I feel like this is crazy but you only live once and life is too short to be boring and safe. Life might juts be getting more interesting after all.

The weekends are such a tease, no work, no school. Just how life should be. Back to reality tomorrow so I need to soak in today.

Friday I drug Brit out to Lowell to go see a show. I've been listening to so much more hardcore since the break-up, plus I just wanted to get out of the house. We had a good time talking, she's a good date.

Saturday I poked around the apartment, texted Greg around 3 to see if we were still meeting up. I went to Providence around 7 to see him. We drove around looking for places to eat, ended up at a Mexican place but the wait was 50 minutes so we decided against that. Ended up at AS220. Brit took me here for the first time about a month and a half ago, I've since been back three times. Nice little place with good food and old time sodas.


Greg really liked it too. We talked about life, past relationships. It was a nice chat. Also went to the movies but since I don't have a tv I really don't know what's in theaters anymore. He recommended:

I was extremely skeptical but he kept saying it had gotten good reviews so I went with it. I am so glad I did. I laughed throughout the entire movie. I drove him home after, he asked when he was going to see me next. :) No kisses though, I'm such a baby when it comes to this stuff. I'm also in no rush (actually I kind of am, he's so good looking) but I also want to make sure it's not just me who has these feelings. He texted me as I was driving back to Boston that he had a good time, I'm a sweet girl and to drive safe.

I'm off to Nicole's house today. Old friends of hers are coming over and I'm crashing the party. We might even play some Chatroulette bingo, I sure as hell hope so!

Justin and I went for sushi on Wednesday night. Nothing like avocado rolls to make this girl happy. We came back, he made a cake (ha!) and watched a movie. Bringing up the whole 'what are we' topic was a little weird but I told him that since we both just got out of relationships this would probably be best as just a friendship thing. He totally agreed, he's going to be gone training a lot in the next few months and then deploying. We still agreed to go on lot's of adventures. He's a good dude so I definitely want to remain friends. He also brought me a Guns up record and hoodie so I am forever indebted to him.

Greg had to cancel tonight but we are possibly hanging out tomorrow. I also scored tickets to the Celtics game next Friday and invited him. Judging by the amount of !!!!!!'s used in his text reply he seems really excited to go. I've never been to a Celtic's game or any professional basketball game so I'm wicked pumped too. Even if the seats are shitty we will still have fun.

I'm not feeling too hot today, I don't know if it's the weather or eating too much french toast last night but I feel blah. I didn't go to class and didn't go to my internship. To make myself feel better I bought this:


I can't wait for it to arrive. With that, it's back to homework. Summer cannot come soon enough.

My life with boys was nothing short of boring before Matt and it's proving to be the same after.

Juggling two boys is not something I'm good at, I feel like one of them is going to get hurt, maybe all of us. I'm not tied down right now though so this is the point of my life when I should be doing this. Have to put yourself out there and if you end up getting hurt, at least you tried.

I'm hanging out with Justin on Wednesday, we are having a sushi 'date'/hangout? Justin and I have done more than just friends do, but at this point I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends. We've both recently gone through break-ups, he's going overseas for at least a year in August and I think that would just set us both up for disappointment.

I've been laying low with Greg seeing if he would contact me and he did. He texted me today wondering when we are going to hang out next. I told him Friday since my week is booked. He thought that was too far away but what can you do. This week shall prove to be interesting, that's for damn sure!

Matt texted me out of the blue yesterday, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and the boy. I wanted to throw up immediately, seeing his name just gives me that reaction. It was a beautiful yesterday and he wanted to know if I wanted to come to Castle Island. I told him I didn't think that would be a good idea, especially seeing the boy. I also asked if he had been thinking this week. He said yes but that he thought I already made up my mind. I told him I had no other choice, hanging on was hurting me too much. I told him he knows what he needs to do remedy this situation and this was on all him. In no way does that mean I'm still waiting for him, I've moved on. Also doesn't mean I would give him another chance but he knows what he needs to do for that to even be a possibility.

Greg ended up making it to show. We left for a bit and grabbed some food and then came back and hung out. I didn't want to come on too strong, he's so god damn good looking he could get any girl he wants. It's rather annoying. I figure if he is interested then maybe he should have to work a little bit :P

Got tattooed this morning, did 4 more outlines of postcards. The sleeve is finally coming together and after coloring these in, there isn't much room left for anything. Might go to the bar tonight with Nikki, that should be interesting.

Apparently the key for me to not think about Matt is to put my energy into different people. That doesn't mean I want to jump into a relationship right away but hanging out with new people just takes my mind off of him.

St. Patrick's day I met up with a friend on Nicole's at a bar in downtown. He was there with three of his friends. I had a lot of fun, drank some Irish car bombs and too many coronas. Tonight is the show which another friend is supposedly coming too. We texted back and forth yesterday and he was bummed on life/girls so I told him not to feel pressure to come. Last night right before bed he said he was going to come again. Boys.

It should be a fun weekend, I'm getting tattooed tomorrow and then seeing one of my favorite bands, Guns up, on Sunday. Plus the weather is supposed to be good. AHHHH I love Spring.

Monday afternoon, after jury duty, I came home and started picking up my room. While getting things organized I found a Christmas ornament. This jogged my memory into reminding myself that I left all of my ornaments in Matt's closest at his apartment. The only thing I left there. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Normally I would just consider them a wash but all of my childhood ornaments were in there, pretty much the only mementos I have from that time of my life. I felt like my only option was to contact him and see if I could get them back at some point.

I texted him Monday explaining the situation, no response. I texted him later that night saying that if he got my first text could he at least respond with an okay, no response. I called him Tuesday morning assuming he was going to be at work in which case I would leave a voicemail. It rang and rang but never kicked it over to voicemail. At this point I got worried and thoughts of him potentially hurting himself went through my brain. I was keeping in contact with Nicole and she insisted on calling his work, disguising herself, just to check to make sure he was in fact still alive. Irrational, I know, but with things he has said previously to me and him being potentially depressed, I needed to make sure. He answered but couldn't hear Nicole so she didn't even have to make up some elaborate story, but at least I knew he was there. Then the fact that he is probably just ignoring me came to be. I'm going to wait a few weeks to see if he responds, if not, I might e-mail him.

I think for me to really get over him, stop thinking about him and moving on is to start meeting and hanging out with new people. So that's what I'm going to do! Tonight to celebrate the fact that I am not Irish but I can pretend, I'm going to a bar in downtown with one of Nicole's friends. He just so happened to break up with his girlfriend this past weekend. Break ups everywhere! We will go drown our sorrows with some Irish car bombs. Who wouldn't want to hang out with us? Friday, I invited this boy whom I've had a secret crush on forever, to come out to a show at the skatepark. He agreed, so let's see if it actually happens.

I feel like it's been raining for weeks when in reality it's only been days. It's been non-stop for days, not nice rain. Brutal rain. It's now raining in my bedroom. Landlord better come and fix that soon.



Even though I feel better, I still constantly think about him. I wonder when the day will come that I don't. I wonder if he still thinks about me. If he knows he made a mistake or is genuinely happy that we are no longer together. I try not to think about these things but I do. I'm ready for the day when these thoughts are not a part of me anymore.

Picture source

Friday and Saturday have been a success. Friday I had some work to do at the courthouse downtown as part of my interning. They kept introducing me as a paralegal and it took me by surprise that this is finally happening. In a few months I will actually be a paralegal. Then I do a little happy dance on the inside because weeeee! I met a cute lawyer that works the program I am also working with. I hope it's okay to secretly wish that we will someday be in the office together even though he's probably 9 years older than me. I'm going back to the courthouse this Friday to do some family law stuff which I am very excited about. Right now I'm feeling pulled into that area of the law.

Friday night included a hardcore show. I love going from being in a buttoned-up professional environment to this.



Hardcore show also included cute boys, one in particular. Can never have too many cute boys in your life. Another nice night to get out and have a few drinks and become ultra giggly with Nicole.

Today I went and hung out with Brit again. While we were going through our very similar break-up situation together, hers has now taken a turn that mine will not. I know she will come through it and I really want to be there to support her. We are SO similar, it's eerie, the way we think about life and the way we treat people. I know she will be okay.

Picture source

I feel like this past month of my emotional roller coaster is finally coming to an end.

Talking with him last night really showed me that he isn't putting forth the effort that is needed right now. I have given him plenty of time and space, held onto every ounce of hope that things would work out. After writing the post this morning and thinking more about it, I had to tell Matt that I was stepping away. I feel sad, sad that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. Sad that these two people whom I cared and loved deeply will not be a part of my future. I'm excited for the future though, for meeting new people and going on new adventures. It's still hard but I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was exactly a month ago. I'm letting go on my terms. I wished him the best and hope he gets the help that he needs.

Source

I texted Matt on Monday. Called him yesterday. No replies to both. Kind of said fuck it in my head and went about my day. He called back last night while I was sleeping. I answered, I asked him about my text Monday and how I would appreciate it if he would answer my texts, especially when I ask a question, which I did. He said he was sorry. I don't know, I'm kind of getting tired. I'm done chasing, if he wants to be with me then he will make the effort too.

Then we discussed why I called him in the first place, Thursday night. He had to re-do one of the hoodies for me and I suggested coming to his place Thursday night to pick it up. He said he was going to be in Boston around noon on Thursday so he would just drop it by, clearly not wanting me to come over Thursday night. Again, fuck it. I told him that he said we could start slowly progressing our relationship and I feel like we are just going backwards. Going to let him be the one to decide when to do something next.

I'm going to enjoy my weekend and I have some awesome new clothes coming in the mail.

After texting back and forth for a bit last night with Matt he said part of me wants to invite you over. I told him that maybe that part should, although he wondered if it would be a bad idea. I told him that if he wants things to work again between us I saw no harm in hanging out for a few hours. He said okay...leave now. So I did.

I got there and didn't really plan to talk about us but eventually the conversation flowed into that. We decided together that things need to start slowly progressing in the next few weeks to build back up our relationship and make it better than before. Then he made me snuggle with him and it was the best 30 minutes of snuggling I've ever had. Truly did not realize how much I would miss that until i didn't have it anymore.

I'm hopeful that things will work out the way they need to. I think this was a wake up call for him and showed him that I truly truly love him and the boy. Bit by bit everything will fall into place and I just need to enjoy the ride, as hard as that is sometimes.

Today was filled with sunshine

Source


and movies



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and gift certificates from a sister to a lovely cupcake shop down the street.



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Have officially come to the conclusion that I'm not going to think about my love life and just let things happen. I go back and forth so much and this blog is my diary so I can recount how crazy my thoughts are, but I just need to stop thinking about it. While writing this he texted me to see how I'm doing. GAH. I haven't texted him for days so maybe he really is trying to make an effort.

I'm spending my Saturday night puppy sitting. What an exciting life I lead. As much as the puppy can be a little asshole I'm excited to spend the evening in an apartment with heat and cable. I enjoy the simple things in life.

Last night I came out the skate park for a show. It was probably one of the best shows I've been too in awhile. Thoroughly enjoyed all of the bands and have some downloading of music to do.

Also got to talking more with John and Nicole about my situation and how they think I'm not making the smartest choice. They don't want to see me get strung along and John being a dude knows how other dudes think. They are right and I'm only doing this for a few weeks and then our relationship needs to start progressing again. Nicole has also found the next boy with whom I should be set up with it. I haven't completely said no to this idea, and the kid is somebody I would definitely be interested in. Matt and I had the agreement of not seeing or hooking up with other people while we are on this break but if I don't start seeing some sort of effort on his part, I don't know how much longer I can do it.